By - 16/2/2020 14:00

Oh gosh

Today, I noticed a strange mark on the inside of my mouthwash bottle. As I was bending down to investigate, my hands tightened around the bottle and mouthwash squirted in my eye. It still burns. FML

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Serious times

Fashion Police

Non-baby fever

By notdrivinganytimesoon - 4/3/2015 02:35 - United States - Richardson

Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML

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By pacificbeach - 2/3/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

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By Dina - 23/11/2008 09:24 - France

Today, whilst chatting with my mum on MSN, she unintentionally sent me an animated emoticon of a penis jerking off repeatedly. I don't even want to know the type of conversation she was having. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 02:52 - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML

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By imagrouch - 30/7/2013 14:25 - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my 30-year-old husband about why Sesame Street isn't a "soap opera." FML

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By dammit - 23/5/2017 04:00

Today, my grandma was arrested for throwing her cane at a man who she thought was mocking her walk. That man was my boyfriend's father, who limps because of his cerebral palsy. He refuses to drop the assault charges. FML

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By smidge - 2/6/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I've been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they'd made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

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By *sigh* - 23/5/2010 01:24 - United States

Today, I was working as a counsellor at a special needs camp when one of the parents came up to my friend and asked her what my disorder was. FML

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By shanti - 16/2/2014 17:30

Today, my husband cracked a "rectum? damn near killed him" joke at my grandfather's funeral. He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic. We were both kicked out. My family thinks I put him up to the whole thing. FML

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By Trumpet - 28/6/2019 02:49

Today, my mom called me again to whine about what she heard about Trump on the news. I don't like him either and often agree with her, but she does this every 20 minutes so she can update with me. She's done this since he took office. FML

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By tannerpaul - 25/3/2011 01:30

Today, I went to the hospital as my girlfriends emergency contact. When I saw her, she was under a blanket because she had no pants. She had a seizure in a guy's bed and he brought her here. He's here and she wants us both to stay. FML

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By fyourlife - 21/10/2009 19:53 - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was flirting with this cute girl. When I asked her if she had her store card she said "No", paused, then said "Can I give you my number?". I said "Sure, that would be awesome, do you want mine?". She said no. I didn't know I could just enter the card number. FML

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By sochunky - 5/1/2016 22:23 - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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By spekledworf - 5/8/2014 23:46 - United States - Plymouth

Today, as I wandered through the streets of an unfamiliar city, I spotted a cop and darted across the street to ask for assistance. He kindly gave me directions as he wrote me out a citation for jaywalking. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 21:54 - United States

Today, my boss announced that instead of holiday bonuses being on the cards, the company is going under and we'll all be out of a job next year. FML

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By 11321 - 22/4/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2012 17:42 - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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By what the fuck, mate - 30/9/2012 19:00 - Australia

Today, I started working my crappy, minimum-wage retail job at a local electronics store. An hour into my shift, my boss sent me to scrub out a discount bin, after some drunk cunt in his teens staggered into the place yelling, and puked his guts into it. What a life. FML

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By srsly_what - 28/4/2011 23:13 - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

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By Depressed - 4/8/2011 11:45 - Sudan

Today, I arrived in Africa to start my new job. I agreed to come to a city with little to no electricity, and poor water for triple the money I was making in Canada. I just realized my boss and I negotiated in two completely different currencies, and I'm now making half of what I used to. FML

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By TubaAssassin - 28/11/2017 06:00

Today, I came home to find that my roommate had picked my lock and stolen my new laptop. When I tried to take it back, he called the police. They sided with him since he had also taken the receipt, which was "proof" that it was his. FML

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By decenthumanbeing - 14/7/2016 13:13

Today, I entered a restaurant just to use the WiFi. In order not to look cheap, I ordered a meal and a beverage. The WiFi didn't work and now I don't have enough money to buy dinner. FML

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By goshoveafuckingfrappuccinoupyourvagyoupsychocunt - 7/9/2013 21:43 - United States - Midlothian

Today, a customer kept harassing me and threatening to sue me for all I'm worth because I wouldn't give her a free refill. Her reasoning was that it's "illegal" to deny people a free refill if there's still a little drink left in the cup. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By Winxy - 29/4/2015 22:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my three-year-old nephew chose to jump out of a window and break his arm rather than be babysat by me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 20:05

Today, my social life consists of eavesdropping on my two coworkers chatting. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2020 01:00 - Sweden - ?ngelholm

One night

Today, I woke up from putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize until I smelt burning plastic.. FML

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By Boneo and Juliet - 16/7/2015 19:22 - United States - Amherst

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

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By explanations - 14/6/2013 06:48 - United States - Des Plaines

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

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By gahdamnit - 28/5/2010 13:18 - Australia

Today, I tested the new taps in the shower, with my head. Yep, they're strong enough. FML

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By asdfasdf - 3/3/2009 15:38 - United States

Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

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By anon17 - 18/3/2010 13:49 - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had responded to an online missed connection posting. He has been emailing, exchanging pictures and making plans to go out with this girl. We are supposed to be married in the fall and just put down the non-refundable deposit on our reception site. FML

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By chuffberry - 19/4/2016 13:39 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 11:38 - Australia

Today, my mum is convinced I'm a hoarder. While I was out of the house, she went through my room and threw out stuff I "don't need." This included $500 worth of textbooks, a flash drive with crucial work on it, and my phone charger. FML

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By crazygirl10 - 28/5/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, both my parents were at work so I was home alone. My boyfriend had wanted to surprise me and take me out to lunch. He found me dancing on my kitchen table singing "Like a Virgin" at the top of my lungs. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 16:00

No internet, just cuddles

Today, my cat decided that the best place for her to pee was over the surge protector where my modem, router, and printer are plugged in. FML

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By Tali - 28/7/2011 06:18 - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By fuji - 16/10/2018 17:30

Today, I was pulled over and given a ticket for a broken tail light. On the way to the mechanic. To get my tail light fixed. FML

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By handygirl - 31/1/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

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By - 26/2/2020 20:00

No thanks

Today, I ask the guy that I like if he want to go to lunch tomorrow at a local restaurant. He answer that he doesn't like their food. I think that's is a no. FML

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Top comments

By hereforfmls | 17

#7883002 - Sunday 16 February 2020 14:32

So don't leave us in suspense what was the mark

By Paul Rushing | 21

#7883137 - Monday 17 February 2020 6:35

Yeah that whole hand-eye coordination thing is really difficult..

COMMENTS

By hereforfmls | 17

#7883002 - Sunday 16 February 2020 14:32

So don't leave us in suspense what was the mark

By Paul Rushing | 21

#7883137 - Monday 17 February 2020 6:35

Yeah that whole hand-eye coordination thing is really difficult..

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7883209 - Monday 17 February 2020 14:14

So what was the strange mark?