The Top

The pumpkin was for a contest. It weighed in at over 500 LBS. No-one was hurt by it being in the intersection, only vehicle damage. Cuplrits have been found and charged with Meyham, 2 counts of Grand Theft (one for the pumpkin, and one for a forklift), Criminal Trespass, and Vandalism. Cinderella, didn't make it to the ball.

Always ask for documentation

By Anonymous - 20/09/2020 08:02 - United States - Arlington

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 979

You deserved it 312

By trippybmth - 23/12/2014 00:54 - United States

Today, after doing tons of research on a wand my little brother wanted for Christmas, I finally found one on eBay for $60. After already giving my credit card info and confirming the purchase, my dad called me and told me he found the exact same one for six bucks at a local toy store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 733

You deserved it 6 938

By 1dvos_grl3 - 19/12/2014 12:53 - United States - Mandeville

Today, the lady whose son I babysit sent me a text, saying she left a gift for me for all the hard work I've done. I found a beautifully-wrapped box where she said the gift was. It turned out my actual gift was cookies sitting right next to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 755

You deserved it 3 806

1dvos_grl3 tells us more.

1dvos_grl3 21

Saturday 20 December 2014 1:00

Hey everyone, OP here. Let me shed a little light here. I was greatful she got me something to begin with! So don't say I wasn't, the sugar cookies were very yummy. It was just very misleading is all. And everyone curious what was in the wrapped present I didn't open it, there was a note flap on it and it didn't have my name on it. I texted her confused and she said it was the cookies. So yes I was greatful, and I'm a bit curious what she got 'Sara' too.

Stars of CCTV

By Anonymous - 04/03/2023 15:00

Today, my first kiss was caught by my mom's doorbell camera which links to her phone. She uploaded the video to Facebook, along with a soppy comment about her baby girl becoming all grown up. Most of my school has seen and commented on it already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 527

You deserved it 173

By kebaby - 19/06/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, I spent a long time steam-cleaning a mystery stain on my living room carpet. I turned the light on to get a better look at it, and realized that it was a shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 946

You deserved it 48 212

Foolproof

By Anonymous - 25/07/2024 16:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a package addressed to my husband. I thought it was a surprise gift for me, so I excitedly opened it. It turned out to be a 3-foot tall realistic-looking penguin. Confused, I asked him about it. He sheepishly admitted he'd bought it to scare off the neighbor's cat, who's been using our garden as a litter tray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 760

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 04:16 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 655

You deserved it 6 865

Diss track

By Popscene - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument; however, his new-found passion for hardcore rapping meant that he tried to "diss" me using bad rhymes and ill thought-out putdowns. It was ridiculous, and didn't really make any sense, so I started giggling. He stormed off, grumbling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 755

You deserved it 3 029

Sing me to sleep…

By anonymous - 25/09/2020 20:01

Today, my best friend informed me that he had lost his virginity to my sister, which I already knew. However, he told me the location. My room. While I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 159

Spooky stuff

By thanks, dad... - 30/08/2013 17:24 - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked, "Who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door, "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 144

You deserved it 14 498

By loneliness - 30/12/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 150

You deserved it 7 378

By bummed - 10/01/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, I finished up a week of this new "Liquid Foods" diet I learned about from a friend. After a week of denying myself of my favorite foods and eating only non-fat yoghurt and smoothies, I have not only gained 2 pounds, but have diarrhea. Just in time for my anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 434

You deserved it 31 798

By embarrassed4life - 25/06/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 429

You deserved it 90

By Pimaan - 26/10/2011 16:14 - United States

Today, I decided to be a generous guy and slip a dollar from my pocket to a beggar. Turns out I'd slipped my hard-earned $100 bill instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 753

You deserved it 35 953

Collector's item

By Shepaintsmusic - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff

Today, an antiques dealer made a joke about chopping off and buying my deformed left hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 788

You deserved it 2 907

By peace_lost - 29/06/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I walked to her couch while kissing with our eyes closed. Stumbling, we reached the couch and dropped our bodies, her on top of me. What I didn't know was that her kitty, Elvis, was napping. Elvis was very angry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 781

You deserved it 16 196

By Anonymous - 25/08/2013 18:21 - Canada - Grand Falls

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 547

You deserved it 10 643

By Birdwatcher - 18/09/2012 16:19 - United States - Woodstock

Today, I found a tiny, featherless baby bird. I knew it was impossible, but I tried to keep it alive through the day. Before I could get it to the wildlife center, it died, and when I got all choked up over it, my mom started laughing at me and saying how "weak" I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 225

You deserved it 4 750

By Bree - 22/10/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 429

You deserved it 3 177

By prostitutes boyfriend - 21/10/2011 14:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't go to work, she's actually been seeing another guy purely for sex, and each time he gives her money to "support her unemployment." Pretty sure that means I'm dating a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 444

You deserved it 4 409

By Ugly - 22/08/2013 23:40 - United States - Jerseyville

Today, I went to my high school reunion. Someone walked up to me and said, "Wow, you look so different!" She then followed it up with, "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 215

You deserved it 3 524

By Anonymous - 15/09/2012 16:11 - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. I said aloud, "Dang, that actor is hot." My grandma pointed out he was a spitting image of my cousin. I realized she was right, and that I may as well be attracted to my own cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 964

You deserved it 3 866

By asdf - 20/06/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, was my high school's senior awards ceremony. Over 400 people were crammed in the hot auditorium. I won five awards and each time I was called up the laughter grew louder. Apparently even the back row could see my pit stains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 642

You deserved it 5 368

Parasocial to the max

By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Santa Monica

Today, I discovered my friend will be upstaging my birthday by hosting another birthday party shortly afterwards. Not for her of course, but in honor of her favorite actor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 807

You deserved it 203

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons, and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song that he'd written himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life… if I knew who he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 707

You deserved it 3 968

Today, I looked at house listings, found my parents' home, empty and repainted. I hope they're OK. No calls. I'd been gone for months, ill, weak, and struggling to recover. They knew this. They threw away life memories, my body of work, new clothing and supplies for when I got back on my feet, and more. Gutted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 333

You deserved it 98

Random

Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 2 119

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding at the last moment, because her neurotic sister thinks she's "too fat" to be the maid of honor, and says she needs several months to lose weight. So that's a few thousand dollars wasted. My fiancée says I'm "overreacting" and that I "just don't get it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 316

You deserved it 3 348

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 535

You deserved it 5 578

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family for the first time. My mother's immediate reaction was, "We didn't know you were gay!" No mom, she really is a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 534

You deserved it 3 212

Today, as my husband normally initiates sex and sometimes I want to but always chicken out, I was feeling brave and did so. After he came, he continued working on me and I farted. I embarrassingly apologized and he said it was ok and kept going. I then continued to fart, and I had to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 481

You deserved it 327

Today, over the last year, my husband has gone from listening to normal people music to constantly listening to boring classical music thanks to his new coworkers. We went to a work party and he spent half the time debating dead white composer men. LISTEN TO REAL MUSIC, YOU WEIRDO! FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 1 011