Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend and I walked to her couch while kissing... - FML

By peace_lost - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I walked to her couch while kissing with our eyes closed. Stumbling, we reached the couch and dropped our bodies, her on top of me. What I didn't know was that her kitty, Elvis, was napping. Elvis was very angry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42680

You deserved it

16116

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Assumptions

Tinder surprise

By Shoeless - United States

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7339

You deserved it

35237

Tweet

Share

By okaykk

Thanks babe...

Today, after having hardly any sleep the whole weekend, I was woken up at 3:30 am by the sound of running water. I opened my eyes to find my fiancé peeing in my favorite water bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2397

You deserved it

198

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Gladewater

Today, my boyfriend admitted to me that the reason he won't have sex with me is because "condoms are too expensive." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56034

You deserved it

6386

Tweet

Share

By Goatbeard - United States

Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24092

You deserved it

3976

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39192

You deserved it

34887

Tweet

Share

By Sam

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4128

You deserved it

1217

Tweet

Share

By why?? - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12488

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1344

Tweet

Share

By diddlebuag - United States

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42928

You deserved it

6225

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my co-worker insisted there must be an underlying, romantic reason for why I spend so much time teaching him everything, and that I didn't mean it when I told him that's what I'm paid to do. I'm actually supposed to train this guy for three weeks. Two more weeks to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28629

You deserved it

2712

Tweet

Share

By Tingly - United States

Today, I realized that that tingly feeling on my face when I put a new combination of acne wash, acne medication, and my usual moisturizer on was not, in fact, "it working." It was slowly peeling away the top layer of skin. I look and feel sunburned. I also still have acne and oily skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29361

You deserved it

6242

Tweet

Share

By Hatty - United Kingdom

What the fuck was that?

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13666

You deserved it

23600

Tweet

Share

By anonymous2.0 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I asked my husband to come upstairs to our bedroom, thinking I could get some "special time." It ended up with us arguing about his mother, and him falling asleep cuddling my pillow while sucking his thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24192

You deserved it

3627

Tweet

Share

By Lindsey Taul - United States - Granite City

Today, while driving home from work, I heard a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of wind and shifting glass over my head. My sunroof exploded for no perceptible reason 5 days before Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4130

You deserved it

279

Tweet

Share

By Nirah - Canada - Parksville

Today, I'm a week into a prescription of extremely constipating antibiotics. I also just caught the stomach bug going around at work that causes aggressive diarrhea. The two combined mean I have a constant, slow-moving stream of thick, foul-smelling sludge coming out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1931

You deserved it

141

Tweet

Share

By alice - United Kingdom

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30224

You deserved it

3537

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Hartford

Today, I realized that although I'm dating the most loveable, caring and genuine man, the fact that he's a crack addict means I'll never be his drug of choice when he needs a hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30847

You deserved it

21492

Tweet

Share

By hcflorence1 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend went on a date with her mechanic. She said it was to get discounts when she goes in for maintenance. Not only does she not see a problem with it, but she's probably getting discounts on other services too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38629

You deserved it

5237

Tweet

Share

By uglychick - Canada

Today, my brother came out of the shower and sat with my mom and me on the couch. He then says he liked the idea of the extra toothbrush in the shower, it helps him clean between his toes. I have been using that to brush my teeth for the last two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41685

You deserved it

9702

Tweet

Share

By Whoops

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5058

You deserved it

234

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, when I was at the gynecologist my dr told me that I was really tense and the exam would be impossible if I didnt relax. So I started thinking about my boyfriend to relax and my mind went back to our last sex session. I started getting wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24207

You deserved it

69851

Tweet

Share

By unitythemene

Today, I was worried because it's July and I still haven't found a summer job, despite applying to 50 places. It was fine, because I remembered my savings account. I told my parents. Instead of being relieved, they said they're going to take the money from me for being lazy, and using it for my tuition, despite promising to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1684

You deserved it

312

Tweet

Share

By why... - United States - East Orange

Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32853

You deserved it

3512

Tweet

Share

By bigdawg702 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of 9 months that I was ready for marriage and start having kids. She hasn't called or texted me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18271

You deserved it

68868

Tweet

Share

By ohyaknow - United States

Communication

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12952

You deserved it

37421

Tweet

Share

By ~JESSICA~ - United States

Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling me he left me a present in my car. Excited, I went to investigate. I then saw that his "surprise" was fresh fish he had caught. I hate fish, and now my car stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26800

You deserved it

3587

Tweet

Share

By

Today, after 3 years of unemployment and 6 months of hard studying, I found out I hadn't actually registered myself for the public service exam that will happen later this month and could finally get me a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5429

You deserved it

2426

Tweet

Share

By thunder thighs - United States

Today, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music when we were driving to dinner. When I asked him what he was doing he replied, "Just watching the ripples." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40431

You deserved it

6267

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Give me a break!!

Today, in an effort to avoid having the same break as my annoying coworker, I went a little earlier than I usually do. Guess who got moved to a position with an early break? She sat next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1419

You deserved it

199

Tweet

Share

By whovian - United States - Gorham

Today, my mom got me a Christmas present. Since I'm a whovian, she thought it would be cool to get me what she thought was a sonic screwdriver. It was actually a dildo shaped as one. I opened the gift in front of my entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40363

You deserved it

4586

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55633

You deserved it

12781

Tweet

Share

By shotdown - United States

Today, in the middle of hot passionate sex with my husband, he stops and tells me he won't be able to finish until I go brush my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13561

You deserved it

41395

Tweet

Share

By Lucas79 - Australia

Today, I was walking down the street on my way to work, when an old lady's walking stick caught my leg and sent me crashing to the ground. She apologised for the accident and watched me stumble to my feet. I said not to worry. Just as I turned to leave, I could swear a smirk crept over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29153

You deserved it

3417

Tweet

Share

By deerslayer559

Today, while playing golf, I hit my ball near some tall grass along the edge of the water. Unbeknownst to me, there was an alligator hiding in the grass. He growled at me during my shot, causing me to put the ball directly into the pond. Alligator: 1 Me: 0. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2639

You deserved it

396

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25183

You deserved it

7572

Tweet

Share

By yamsterr - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I agreed to tell her parents that she's pregnant. When they started freaking out, instead of dealing with the situation maturely, she went into straight-up denial and said, "It's okay, I'm not the mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33849

You deserved it

6659

Tweet

Share

By artist - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36785

You deserved it

4504

Tweet

Share

By gabxoxo03 - United States

Today, I snuck up on my girlfriend to give her a kiss. Only after I planted a big one did I realize it was not my girlfriend, or even a girl for that matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23938

You deserved it

52647

Tweet

Share

By sammsamm56 - United States

Today, I found out that my over protective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34315

You deserved it

4635

Tweet

Share

By fucking moron - United States - Mount Holly

Today, while fasting for a medical test, my blood sugar became so low that I had heart palpitations and passed out. My doctor's advice? Fast, so he can run more tests. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33168

You deserved it

2848

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1335

You deserved it

146

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Rozeyyy | 25

#7414760 - Wednesday 22 February 2017 16:28

Now you know not to mess with Evlis...

COMMENTS

By Rozeyyy | 25

#7414760 - Wednesday 22 February 2017 16:28

Now you know not to mess with Evlis...