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I put something on it to make it stop bleeding right after I shaved but it must have opened up again before I left the house. And no, I don't work at Starbucks...I stopped by to pick up breakfast and then came back home.

OCD

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 13:53 - Australia

Today, I decided to dress up sexy for my boyfriend. I put on cute undies and a corset because they made the most of my assets. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "The colours don't match." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 567

You deserved it 5 776

By Anonymous - 03/07/2014 04:53 - United States - Muncie

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. After breaking the news to my parents, I heard my dad mutter when I left, "Damn it, I liked her better than him." My mother didn't protest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 714

You deserved it 13 217

Baby fever

By SkeetinKeaton - 06/05/2013 06:29 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 440

You deserved it 6 570

By Anonymous - 15/06/2014 18:01 - United States - Corona

Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 077

You deserved it 4 690

Spicy date

By veggiedude - 08/05/2014 03:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend suggested we try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand what she had in mind, and ready to fool around, I hurried over to her place. Turns out she's just taken up vegan cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 842

You deserved it 6 668

At least you tried, son

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Canberra

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform her, I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 309

You deserved it 3 278

By BeatByA9yrold - 12/04/2014 19:59 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my girlfriend's little brother challenged me to a water gun fight. I accepted, not knowing he was going to fill his gun with vinegar, then shoot me in the eyes with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 734

You deserved it 4 681

By slashteddy - 09/09/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, at work, I was on my break when I had to use the bathroom. I was on the toilet taking a dump when the door latch loosened and the door swung open. The little girl standing there took one look and screamed. Security busted in. My pants were still down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 982

You deserved it 2 811

By Around - 23/05/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, after doing a graveyard shift at work, I took the bus home. I fell asleep on the way and woke up 25 miles away from my bus stop. I took another bus heading back and couldn't stay awake. I then woke up where I started from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 143

You deserved it 14 123

By DaoOfPow - 23/05/2015 07:51 - United States - Danbury

Today, my mom told me I'm the reason she's going to kill herself one day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 337

You deserved it 3 244

Help! I need somebody!

By crippled shopper - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Streamwood

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 952

You deserved it 4 821

By anon - 06/05/2015 12:50 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 539

You deserved it 3 395

By Anonymous - 04/12/2013 20:25 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 564

You deserved it 2 789

By paranoid neighborhood - 27/11/2013 17:51 - United States - Orlando

Today, I was walking back home from a party, when I received an email from our neighborhood watch. It said to beware, because a "thug-like" stranger with a white shirt and brown hair had entered the neighborhood. My hair is indeed brown and I was wearing a white shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 362

You deserved it 4 231

By Banana_Lord - 03/03/2015 10:41 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I walked twenty minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 831

You deserved it 3 170

By ThisIsAgony - 25/10/2013 06:48 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my little sister is having a friend spend the night. Our rooms are right next to one another and the walls are thin. We are now entering the fourth hour of a singing contest so off-key that it should be illegal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 909

You deserved it 3 630

By anon - 01/02/2016 16:37 - United States

Today, I visited my 90-year-old great-grandmother and her boyfriend. This wouldn't be a problem, if this boyfriend wasn't different than the one she had yesterday. She told me not to tell him about "the other one". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 833

You deserved it 1 712

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Random

Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. She said, "Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 659

You deserved it 8 239

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 064

You deserved it 84 139

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 123

You deserved it 31 843

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 717

You deserved it 497

Today, I took my Switch into work because I was the only one working, I figured if everyone had the day off, I could enjoy some me time. It turns out I did nothing but work. I put my Nintendo Switch with the bag orders I had to deliver to the post office, but I forgot to take out the Switch out of the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 319

You deserved it 1 282

Today, my wife’s step-sister asked if she could join us in a three way. My wife actually said yes, but we’re both gym addicts so I like toned girls like my wife, so even though her sister is a lovely lady, I'm not going to be able to get a boner for someone 10 stone overweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 598

You deserved it 1 280