Today, my girlfriend's little brother challenged me to a water...

By BeatByA9yrold - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my girlfriend's little brother challenged me to a water gun fight. I accepted, not knowing he was going to fill his gun with vinegar, then shoot me in the eyes with it. FML

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Kids

Not now!

Small town blues

How's your hovel?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a family gathering, my aunt asked me when I was planning to have children. I'm only 16, I laughed and said not for a while, definitely not until I get married. My family shook their heads, and ignored me for the rest of the day. Apparently, teenage pregnancy is valued in my family. FML

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By sickofthisshit - United States - Oceanside

Today, I nearly got written up for "publicly humiliating" a coworker. All because I left a note in the restroom asking whoever keeps peeing all over the floor to please be considerate of other people. FML

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By themanzz - Canada

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life. Actually I ran into a billboard for her college, where apparently she is the new "poster girl" for their advertising campaign. I have now seen her on 2 billboards, a newspaper ad and a bus. FML

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By Indiana - Canada

Today, I was getting off the bus, when these two guys behind me started commenting on my bag, oblivious to the fact that I could hear them say, "Look at his ugly man-purse," and "It that looks like the satchel that Indiana Jones has". I'm a girl. Who is planning majoring in fashion studies. FML

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By northernlass - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

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By futuremum - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I had to yet again tell my mother-in-law that I wasn't going to name my unborn baby "Ermintrude" after her late mother. My husband told me to stop being difficult, and that he agrees that it would be nice. FML

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By Disappointed - 4/9/2020 20:08 - Austria

Quickie

Today, my 6-minute-long-shower lasted 3 times as long as the sex prior to it. Including foreplay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my dead phone that had been missing for two weeks. I turned it on to see that I had only gotten 2 text messages during the two weeks. They were both from my mother. FML

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By batgirlrules881 - United States

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

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By no low five - United States

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I flew 1800 km with my two small children to a remote northern village for work. Our bags were lost, leaving us without winter gear and only one change of clothes. Just to make things extra fun, we now all have uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. FML

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By oh my dad - United States - Florence

Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML

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By fed up/turned off - United States - Fresno

Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty pictures and texts, describing in detail all the things I was going to do to him when we have the house to ourselves this weekend. He responded by quoting that crappy movie 'The Room', saying, "Oh hi doggie!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML

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By Chelsea - United States

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

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By CandlesSuck - Canada

Today, I invited my girlfriend to come over, telling her I had a surprise. I filled the bathtub and lit a lot of candles to be romantic. She gets here, and we start doing our thing. Until we smell something burning. It was my hair. I now have a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

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By fucking moron - United States - Mount Holly

Today, while fasting for a medical test, my blood sugar became so low that I had heart palpitations and passed out. My doctor's advice? Fast, so he can run more tests. FML

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By Justaddwater - France

Today, I spent an hour and a half trying to rid my house of smoke and burnt plastic smell because my little sister didn't know she was supposed to add water in the package of microwaveable mac and cheese. FML

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By georgiahick

Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML

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By browniepoints - United States

Today, it dawned on me that the most romantic thing my husband has done in the last three years, was a put a wedding ring on his xbox avatar. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

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By Vanessa8221 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I gave a sexual harassment seminar, explaining how important it is to not do anything that makes co-workers uncomfortable. Someone joked, "Like telling you your fly is open?" I tried to zip up, but it got caught on my underwear. There were 20 minutes left in the program. FML

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By jessiluvxx - United States - Kearny

Today, I was called to be told I'm fired for not showing up for my shift. I guess she didn't check her voice message to see that I gave birth last night. FML

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By stinky breath - United States - Whittier

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

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By catattack78 - United States

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By razzipost1 - Canada

Today, I came home from work to my basement flooding. With sewage. That wasn't from our house. FML

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By mee - 10/10/2020 05:01

Messed up

Today, I started new meds because I’ve been emotionally numb since I was 14. I never learned how to manage real feelings and I’m on a rollercoaster that involves crying over nothing, feeling jealous of my husband’s Xbox, and getting angry at inanimate objects. Is there a return policy on this? FML

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By ===== - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, the sewage pipe busted on the side of our house, spew fecal matter and the condoms I recently flushed. My parents now refuse to talk to me, and won't let my girlfriend anywhere near the house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after sweeping up a spill, I managed to break the cupboard door. With my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2020 03:00 - United States - Silver Spring

Birthday gift

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

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By shinoza - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

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By unlicensed - United States - Charlotte

Today, I drove 45 minutes to take my full driver's test. At the end of the test, the instructor told me I'd done everything perfectly, but had failed before I left the parking lot. I didn't see the "one way" sign at the entrance. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I got a steering wheel cover to stop my obsessive steering wheel picking. After putting it on, I realized it was crooked, causing me to have OCD fits every time I drive. I can still pick at the steering wheel around the cover. FML

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By Ashleighx94 - United Kingdom

Today, my bedridden mother called me selfish. After an operation two weeks ago, all I've done is feed her, clean her and the house every day. She called me selfish because I couldn't lift a TV into her room. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2020 08:08

This is America

Today, I found out a test I need to see if I need surgery on my gallbladder costs more than my pay check, even with insurance. FML

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Top comments

By GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5912790 - Sunday 13 April 2014 1:42

Tell him ur gonna get revenge so bad he won't believe it then don't do anything. Him living in fear would be everything u would need to get him back.

By cakefete2 | 30

#5912795 - Sunday 13 April 2014 1:43

That would be rated R... For R Kelly.

COMMENTS

By spikekutter | 9

#5912779 - Sunday 13 April 2014 1:38

that sucks

By Black_Knight80 | 13

#5912787 - Sunday 13 April 2014 1:40

Well at least you played fair.

HersheySquirts | 17

#5912995 - Sunday 13 April 2014 5:10

There is no playing fair at this point, you have to get even in this equation.

lexi365 | 20

#5913137 - Sunday 13 April 2014 9:44

OP should get a paintball gun or something. Even up the score.

By Neoking | 4

#5912789 - Sunday 13 April 2014 1:41

Put alcohol in the gun and shoot the fucker! It won't be so funny anymore.

cakefete2 | 30

#5912809 - Sunday 13 April 2014 1:48

Depending on the kind of alcohol this could get interesting.

PengiPou | 12

#5913036 - Sunday 13 April 2014 6:07

I say vodka

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5913122 - Sunday 13 April 2014 9:06

isopropyl.

pinkster2014 | 25

#5915908 - Wednesday 16 April 2014 2:44

I thought he was talking about rubbing alcohol, since it looks like water but can burn

By GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5912790 - Sunday 13 April 2014 1:42

Tell him ur gonna get revenge so bad he won't believe it then don't do anything. Him living in fear would be everything u would need to get him back.

cakefete2 | 30

#5912796 - Sunday 13 April 2014 1:44

Psychological warfare? I like the way you think.

Indianboy9321 | 25

#5912798 - Sunday 13 April 2014 1:45

Taking the Family Guy approach, where Brian won't tell Stewie when "his revenge" is coming. Just don't push your girlfriend's little brother into a bus!