Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen...

By Sexylarry - France

Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. She said, "Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30483

You deserved it

8171

Favorite

Intimacy

Nutters Inc.

What a tool

Boozehound

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I finally had enough money to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring, which I was going to pick up after work. On my way to work, I slid on the ice and crashed into a parked vehicle. The damage to my car is almost twice the amount of the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37629

You deserved it

3558

Favorite

By anon - United States

Today, I was performing in an orchestra concert. My stand partner and I commented on people in the audience the whole time, saying how fat they were, etc. Towards the end of the concert, I realized we were sitting right by a microphone, and the whole audience could hear us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11051

You deserved it

102989

Favorite

By kazmatazz - Oman

Today, I found out that the extremely attractive man that works in my building can hear everything I say about him through the paper-thin walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23429

You deserved it

9026

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 17:01

Marxism intensifies

Today, after three weeks of suffering from COVID, I returned to work. I met with my boss, and was written up for absenteeism. Oh, and we're closing early because there are ongoing riots. Oh, and we lost the contract and I'm unemployed in three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1551

You deserved it

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45076

You deserved it

5023

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend of eight months that if she didn't start taking my band's music seriously, we couldn't see each other anymore. She said fine, and I hugged her, but then she stood up and said 'I hope we can still be friends,' and walked out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11045

You deserved it

71817

Favorite

By nomorecleaning - United States - Augusta

Today, I discovered that the reason my mom hasn't been noticing the extra cleaning I've done lately is because her boyfriend took credit when she asked about it; and was rewarded for it in bed. I helped him get with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42024

You deserved it

3961

Favorite

By Xandar

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3299

You deserved it

486

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I'm travelling across the country with my family. My grandma thought it would be a good idea to take her shoes off. It's been 5 minutes and my eyes are watering from the stench. We still have over 200 miles left until we get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21856

You deserved it

1532

Favorite

By squeezable - United States

Today, a little girl standing next to me on the train suddenly hugged me. I thought maybe she was sad or I reminded her of someone, and hugged her back. Then she smiled, squeezed my lovehandles, and said "Honk, honk!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44296

You deserved it

6785

Favorite

By anonymous - France

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32380

You deserved it

2584

Favorite

By Chicketi - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39912

You deserved it

8219

Favorite

By ??? - 12/10/2020 08:00 - United States

Tiger King

Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1189

You deserved it

192

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28784

You deserved it

2502

Favorite

By News-print Face Kate - United Kingdom

Today, a man slapped me in the face with his newspaper because I didn't get out of his way fast enough at the train station. I guess he didn't notice I was on crutches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31844

You deserved it

1852

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates

Today, this guy I've been "seeing" for a year said he didn't want to share my birthday with me because he doesn't want us to get serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29504

You deserved it

3907

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our school's university center. I crept up behind him, grabbed his shoulders abruptly, and shouted in my best deep man-voice, "Give me all your money!" Turned out to be a poor, unsuspecting freshman. He gave me his money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13887

You deserved it

74063

Favorite

By stinkypants - India

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30691

You deserved it

11800

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my sixteen year old son told me that he's following his guidance counselor's advice: to do what his hero does for a living. The problem? His hero is SpongeBob Squarepants. His ambition in life is to become a fry cook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30266

You deserved it

4612

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29538

You deserved it

7143

Favorite

By Unimpressed - Australia

Today, I was taken a taxi home after drinking too much. I started to feel sick and, not wanting to be charged the cab cleaning fee, threw up into my handbag instead. When we got to my place I then had to fish through that bag for my wallet to pay the driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12482

You deserved it

58834

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work on a smoke break. I work at a truck stop, and it was around 2am. This old man pulls in and asks me if I would like to join him for some dinner. I said no, and told him I was working. He replies, "How much do you charge?" Apparently, even in sweats I look like a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33970

You deserved it

6655

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 17:04 - United States - El Macero

Ding dong

Today, I got an ingrown hair. It wouldn’t be so bad, if it were anywhere other than my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

725

You deserved it

Favorite

By Julie - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

I agree, your life sucks

123098

You deserved it

6713

Favorite

By Protectress - United States

Today, while going around trying to find a job, a manager came up to ask me, "Are you looking to work here?" I nodded happily, hoping this would be the end of my search. She looked me up and down, saw I had a jacket on to hide my tattoos and said, "Sorry, I can't hire heroin addicts." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33084

You deserved it

10483

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Alfreton

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy. Last week, she wrote sweet things like "Love you forever" and "Light of my life" on my arm cast. I have to wait two more weeks until it's taken off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50921

You deserved it

3898

Favorite

By Bestfrienduncool - France

Today, I found out that the reason my best friend is not allowed over anymore is because he hits on my mom and writes her love letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34650

You deserved it

2655

Favorite

By failure - Canada

Today, my parents are freaking at me because I just got my report and I failed my first year of college. They told me they have never been more disappointed in me. I have to tell them that I'm also pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24545

You deserved it

101778

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was trying on dresses in a stall that requires an employee of the store to have a key to open. After I took off one dress to go to another, an employee quickly opens my door, to give the stall to someone else. The entire store could see me in my granny panties and bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35945

You deserved it

6491

Favorite

By Desertdryspell

Today, I dressed up in new lingerie I had bought to surprise my partner. He said "what do you want? Just go to bed instead". So much for that new confidence. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

2413

You deserved it

202

Favorite

By Not dying. - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28930

You deserved it

10800

Favorite

By ljennette25 - United States - Princeton

Today, I started a new job as a school bus driver. I was sent on the hardest route in the area, and not 5 minutes in I came across a broke down truck in the middle of the road. I was stuck behind him for over an hour with a bus full of elementary school kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12174

You deserved it

868

Favorite

By eminem blows cock - Ireland - Kilflynn

Today, after having stayed up all night studying, all the coffee I'd drank to keep me awake hit my gut with a vengeance. I ended up missing two exams because I was emptying my bowels into the toilet all morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22175

You deserved it

9691

Favorite

By Georgia

Today, my boyfriend turned down a shower with me because he didn't want to get his hair wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40464

You deserved it

6024

Favorite

By Mojo - United Kingdom

Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We sat on an old bench and were just about to kiss when I screamed. I now have a huge splinter in my arse and he can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30436

You deserved it

5150

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Hagersville

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15357

You deserved it

55816

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Cranford

Today, despite seeing her every weekend, her not telling me her work schedule, and her having ignored me every time she gets a boyfriend, my sister is upset that I "don't make more of an effort to see her." Sorry, I'm trying to not rely on people who hurt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1538

You deserved it

129

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47605

You deserved it

8866

Favorite

By la poisse - France

Today, I spent the night in hospital. As soon as I was alone, I writhed and twisted in all directions in my attempts to pee in a bottle left precisely for that purpose. It was at that moment that the doctor, a good-looking guy, came in. My legs were spread wide and I was right in the middle of doing my business. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34919

You deserved it

3488

Favorite

By blahppl14 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend got high and decided to text all our friends and family the crazy stories about us. He was even nice enough to include pictures. I hear a nude one made it to my Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30981

You deserved it

13489

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By bambi114 | 0

#1346310 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:19

I don't blame her . I wouldn't miss my fav tv shows for sex . but sorry anyway

By RoccoRox | 0

#1346358 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:25

couldn't she record it? or better yet you guys could go at it while gossip girl is on. win win situation.

COMMENTS

By bambi114 | 0

#1346310 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:19

I don't blame her . I wouldn't miss my fav tv shows for sex . but sorry anyway

Einstein714 | 0

#1346361 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:26

hey, no problem, a quickie is always a winner

porschka | 0

#1346431 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:31

tivo

iSitt | 0

#1346446 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:34

she gives you what you want, you give her what she wants.

KingDingALing | 9

#1346522 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:56

You should cum in her eyes and say "How are you gonna watch Gossio Girl with cum in your eyes, BITCH!" Then you cockslap her and go to sleep. The end:)

StopTheFuckinCar_fml | 0

#1346657 - Saturday 4 September 2010 0:34

not an fml. compromise dude. not a big deal. or wait till after the she finishes her show. she said yes anyway, what's the problem? a quickie before, more than that after.

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#1346739 - Saturday 4 September 2010 1:03

lmao i love how OPs girlfriend was in the kitchen :)

free2speak | 14

#1347219 - Saturday 4 September 2010 2:02

sounds like a win to me!

MarkerofMagic | 0

#1347479 - Saturday 4 September 2010 2:42

doggy Style ftw??

beautikill | 4

#1347587 - Saturday 4 September 2010 3:04

<3 gossip girl!!! :D

Phirr | 0

#1348067 - Saturday 4 September 2010 4:20

I like how you had to walk into the kitchen to find her LOL

riceplum | 0

#1348604 - Saturday 4 September 2010 6:25

sooo...she's dtf I dont c the problem...

MarkeiMark | 0

#1348879 - Saturday 4 September 2010 7:22

dudee, you better have finished before. stuff like tv shows, that stuff is LEGIT.

By fmlbai | 0

#1346318 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:19

quicky ftw

izzy21_fml | 0

#1349729 - Saturday 4 September 2010 11:17

gossip girl is the shiiiieeett

By RoccoRox | 0

#1346358 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:25

couldn't she record it? or better yet you guys could go at it while gossip girl is on. win win situation.

H0rnykailey | 0

#1346426 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:31

yeah just have sex while it's on :D

skgirl | 0

#1346705 - Saturday 4 September 2010 0:48

agreed just either record it or have sex while watching and just wait till after the show is over if she's not down

underaegis | 0

#1349266 - Saturday 4 September 2010 9:12

no that would be akward... gasp bobs cheeting on me... you: like this stuff actually happens... GF: umm yeah sure

ifuckuprandomly | 28

#7477736 - Friday 30 June 2017 11:07

I've done that and its not that fun when she keeps stopping to watch Chuck and Blair say some cheesy shit

By mattman1994 | 0

#1346363 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:26

it was an emergency

By colleen2920 | 0

#1346372 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:26

where's the fml in this?

impatientkarma | 0

#1346423 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:30

I was thinking the same thing. At least she still wanna do it.

By Hevzy | 0

#1346428 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:31

Even better - watch gossip girl WHILE you are doing it. GENIUS!

By substitutes | 0

#1346438 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:32

I would rather watched gossip girl

By Fedor_is_KING | 0

#1346487 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:43

Sounds awesome! You get to finish early and not feel bad. Plus, you get to watch "Gossip Girl" after!

weightnc | 1

#1348511 - Saturday 4 September 2010 6:02

win^^

Serec | 0

#1349297 - Saturday 4 September 2010 9:18

Hahahahahhaha!

By XxMidnightReader | 0

#1346494 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:45

: sux

By KittehKatt | 0

#1346502 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:48

aww op it's not so bad,
just watch gossip girl at the same time,
me and my boyfriend "multi task" all the time :P