Intimacy: Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen...

By Sexylarry - 03/09/2010 19:42 - France

Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. She said, "Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 527

You deserved it 8 183

Intimacy

Late term

Triage

Problematic language

By PiZzA_FaCe - 29/05/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 246

You deserved it 5 239

Pervs, pervs everywhere

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 10:33 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was on the bus when I felt a big yawn coming on, one so big that my mouth stretched and my eyes closed. It was at this point that the strange man beside me decided to lean over at lightning speed and put his tongue in my mouth. Technically it was my first kiss. I'm 21 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 083

You deserved it 5 501

By ForeverAGirlfriend - 13/06/2016 04:40 - United States - Aliquippa

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 985

You deserved it 3 169

By NoDocVisit - 27/07/2016 02:27 - United States - Parrish

Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doc. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 986

You deserved it 1 111

By jobless - 07/05/2009 21:10 - United States

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 320

You deserved it 58 246

By feelthelove - 02/11/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find a very gorgeous girl in my bed. Her only words to me were "did anything happen?" When I replied yes she began to cry. Nice to know I was someone's rock bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 474

You deserved it 5 559

By Anonymous - 22/07/2019 00:01

Today, my family drove me to the airport. Before they said goodbye, my mom discreetly pulled me to one side and asked if I'd remembered to pack my birth control pills. Unfortunately, my little sister heard, then chased me through the security line, yelling, "YOU'RE ON BIRTH CONTROL?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 636

You deserved it 225

By Laura - 11/03/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 472

You deserved it 4 597

By xoxo96 - 03/05/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I went to a Bat Mitzvah. We played a game where all of the girls grabbed one of their shoes and placed it in the middle. Then, all of the guys had to pick a shoe. Whatever guy picked the shoe, the girl had to dance with. No one picked my shoe. Everyone else was dancing except for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 339

You deserved it 5 088

By jbhadafuckedupday - 15/03/2018 01:30

Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 029

You deserved it 423

By hopeless - 03/10/2014 21:13 - Canada

Today, a customer was looking for some decking materials. I took her around the store and pointed out some nice plywood, noting that it's also fire-retardant, which might interest her. She got pissed off and bitched me out for supposedly calling her a retard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 787

You deserved it 2 942

By Anonymous - 22/07/2013 19:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 984

You deserved it 4 498

By fuck off, for real - 03/04/2016 13:26 - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, my girlfriend dumped me by text for another man while I was at work. While I worked the drive-thru, a customer noticed me choking back my tears and said "I'd be cryin' too if I worked your dead-end job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 128

You deserved it 2 272

By no touching - 06/03/2015 14:03 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 588

You deserved it 5 175

By Unknown - 09/02/2010 05:50 - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 675

You deserved it 35 097

By newbornphotog - 03/05/2016 13:20 - Germany - Berchtesgaden

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 735

You deserved it 2 100

By supermanxs1 - 09/03/2010 15:32 - United States

Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and nearly pulled my tooth out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 727

You deserved it 6 302

By therealkathl - 05/03/2015 13:32 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend convinced a girl at the club to break up with her boyfriend and go home with him. She did. Now I'm single too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 192

You deserved it 3 408

By Kensie - 04/03/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, it is my twin sisters and my birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me pretty also. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121 508

You deserved it 5 964

Delusional

By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 11:02

Today, my sister made serious plans to move to another country to be closer to the married man she's having an affair with. She thinks this will force him to leave his family. I know who will have to listen to her whining when she is sitting all alone in a different country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 89

By Anonymous - 10/03/2013 22:37 - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 102

You deserved it 4 359

Keep out

By username - 06/06/2020 08:04

Today, my social awkwardness got to an all-time high when I hoped that I wouldn't get the job that I applied for, because I'd be working with the public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 292

You deserved it 321

Get back here!

By anythingjean - 25/05/2009 21:46 - Canada

Today, I saw a cute guy on the bus. I smiled at him and he smiled back. After a couple of stops, he got off the bus. He bumped into me, turned around, apologized, and winked. I stood there feeling good about myself. Then I realized he stole my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 612

You deserved it 9 718

By SilverZephyr - 16/01/2015 12:49 - United States - Marion

Today, I asked out a girl that I've liked for a while. She thought I was joking and laughed, saying, "No. Have you met yourself?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 594

You deserved it 3 446

Teacher's pet

By Anonymous - 24/01/2021 08:01

Today, I finally found out why I never got invited to parties in college. My fellow students considered me too ambitious to want to do anything but study hard. The reason they thought that? I tended to be present and on time for classes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 94

By therewasnocurtain - 06/04/2015 20:07 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 984

You deserved it 2 525

By filipkm - 28/04/2016 22:04 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I learned that you should always check the inside of your guitar to avoid a snake bite. Nope, strings don't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 543

You deserved it 821

Tesla was robbed

By Fuck you, Tesla. - 21/09/2021 14:00

Today, my car ran out of battery. I'm writing this from the middle of the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 561

Bricked

By Anonymous - 13/03/2021 14:01

Today, I blew out the dust from my GPU, and when I went to reinstall it, it turned out that I had inadvertently shorted something and now it's dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 201

By Anonymous - 06/08/2018 22:00

Today, I learned that the "nasty smell" in my room, which I cannot detect, does not exist. It was just my stepmother trying to make me go insane deep-cleaning my room for her personal amusement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 008

You deserved it 259

By Anonymous - 14/01/2014 20:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my dad and I got royally bitched out by my mother, because she found a bill for a porn site subscription, which was paid by my dad, but made out to my name. I had no idea about any of this, but she now thinks I'm a filthy porn addict and that my dad is an enabler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 690

You deserved it 5 828

By pathetic_girl - 14/10/2010 14:45 - Canada

Today, I accidentally admitted to two girls in my first year university astronomy class that I have a strict 10pm bedtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 672

You deserved it 33 402

By anon - 07/02/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, when I went over a bump, I was assaulted by a badly-fitted bicycle seat. I've been walking like John Wayne all afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 037

You deserved it 765

By NairyAGoodIdea - 15/01/2015 21:05 - United States

Today, I tried to manscape with some Nair. Nothing helps the pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 647

You deserved it 10 171

Damn Luke

By So not a Luke - 11/03/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, a very large guy came up and asked if I was Luke. Before I could explain that Luke’s my cousin and that we do look like twins, he picked me up off the ground and hung me by my belt loops from a metal fence, telling me to stay away from his aunt. I had to undo my pants in public to climb down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 258

You deserved it 95

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, I was turned down for a job as a cashier at Best Buy. I worked like hell to get into and then graduate from one of the top Telecommunication schools in the country. I spent all my time with extracurriculars to help my resume instead of partying like my friends. I can't even be a cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 331

You deserved it 4 258

By anonymouss - 21/09/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 044

You deserved it 45 224

By ninjapup - 02/01/2010 04:40 - Canada

Today, I was at a party, chatting up this guy while we were petting my friends dog. The dog had just been outside and was kinda wet, I assumed it was raining out. Just then someone came up and said "Um, that dog's covered in pee." Apparently someone peed off the deck onto the dog as it walked by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 073

You deserved it 2 953

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

By maystar - 26/05/2018 15:00

Today, it's my birthday. My mom and three other relatives each bought me a copy of Diablo 3 for my birthday. A video game that I didn't ask for, for a console I don't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 812

You deserved it 292

By Grant - 11/01/2013 00:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 684

You deserved it 3 085

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bambi114 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:19

I don't blame her . I wouldn't miss my fav tv shows for sex . but sorry anyway

RoccoRox 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:25

couldn't she record it? or better yet you guys could go at it while gossip girl is on. win win situation.

bambi114 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:19

I don't blame her . I wouldn't miss my fav tv shows for sex . but sorry anyway

Einstein714 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:26

hey, no problem, a quickie is always a winner

porschka 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:31

tivo

iSitt 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:34

she gives you what you want, you give her what she wants.

KingDingALing 9

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:56

You should cum in her eyes and say "How are you gonna watch Gossio Girl with cum in your eyes, BITCH!" Then you cockslap her and go to sleep. The end:)

StopTheFuckinCar_fml 0

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Saturday 4 September 2010 0:34

not an fml. compromise dude. not a big deal. or wait till after the she finishes her show. she said yes anyway, what's the problem? a quickie before, more than that after.

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Saturday 4 September 2010 1:03

lmao i love how OPs girlfriend was in the kitchen :)

free2speak 14

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Saturday 4 September 2010 2:02

sounds like a win to me!

MarkerofMagic 0

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Saturday 4 September 2010 2:42

doggy Style ftw??

beautikill 4

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Saturday 4 September 2010 3:04

<3 gossip girl!!! :D

Phirr 0

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Saturday 4 September 2010 4:20

I like how you had to walk into the kitchen to find her LOL

riceplum 0

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Saturday 4 September 2010 6:25

sooo...she's dtf I dont c the problem...

MarkeiMark 0

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Saturday 4 September 2010 7:22

dudee, you better have finished before. stuff like tv shows, that stuff is LEGIT.

fmlbai 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:19

quicky ftw

izzy21_fml 0

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Saturday 4 September 2010 11:17

gossip girl is the shiiiieeett

RoccoRox 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:25

couldn't she record it? or better yet you guys could go at it while gossip girl is on. win win situation.

H0rnykailey 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:31

yeah just have sex while it's on :D

skgirl 0

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Saturday 4 September 2010 0:48

agreed just either record it or have sex while watching and just wait till after the show is over if she's not down

underaegis 0

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Saturday 4 September 2010 9:12

no that would be akward... gasp bobs cheeting on me... you: like this stuff actually happens... GF: umm yeah sure

ifuckuprandomly 28

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Friday 30 June 2017 11:07

I've done that and its not that fun when she keeps stopping to watch Chuck and Blair say some cheesy shit

mattman1994 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:26

it was an emergency

colleen2920 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:26

where's the fml in this?

impatientkarma 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:30

I was thinking the same thing. At least she still wanna do it.

Hevzy 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:31

Even better - watch gossip girl WHILE you are doing it. GENIUS!

substitutes 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:32

I would rather watched gossip girl

Fedor_is_KING 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:43

Sounds awesome! You get to finish early and not feel bad. Plus, you get to watch "Gossip Girl" after!

weightnc 1

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Saturday 4 September 2010 6:02

win^^

Serec 0

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Saturday 4 September 2010 9:18

Hahahahahhaha!

XxMidnightReader 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:45

: sux

KittehKatt 0

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Friday 3 September 2010 23:48

aww op it's not so bad, just watch gossip girl at the same time, me and my boyfriend "multi task" all the time :P

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 7

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 356

You deserved it 97

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 228

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