Intimacy: Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen...

By Sexylarry - France

Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. She said, "Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts." FML

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Intimacy

Don't Give Up

Kids will be kids

Signs

By I.Want.Food. - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML

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By 464424 - United States - Dayton

Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML

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By Lor - Canada - Toronto

Perfume Allergy Man strikes again!

Today, a woman got on the bus wearing extremely strong perfume and sat in the seat in front of me. The gentleman I was sitting next to began violently sneezing, so much so that he eventually sneeze-vomited all over my lap and backpack. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2021 02:01

Time to bail

Today, I spent several hours consoling my crying girlfriend. Why was she crying? She had been told to stop 'leading on' a guy at work who has a crush on her. Worse yet, she has a crush on him, thus the crying. Worse still, this isn't the first time. FML

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By FuckedOver - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my mom took around $2,500 from my savings account to pay off my sister's college tuition. She recently flunked out of her studies and won't be returning to college anyway. FML

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By ...thanks - United States

Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML

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By Dang - United States - Freeport

Today, I was in class with a water bottle on my desk. I was on my phone not paying attention, when some girl knocked it over by accident. I went to grab it, even though it was in the corner of my eye. I caught the bottle of water but I also happened to grab her ass at the same time. FML

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By fml - United States - Perry

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

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By shorty4 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML

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By Hm - United States

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

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By Sad - United States

Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML

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By byebyeromance - United States - State College

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend before going to bed. He farted really loud and spat in my face as he laughed. FML

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By killmenow - Canada - Halifax

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

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By WTF - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was emptying the cutlery section of the dishwasher when I reached down and accidentally got the tip of a steak knife wedged half-way under my fingernail. My mum yelled at me for getting blood on the clean dishes. FML

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By jack - United States - Mcnabb

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months got mad at me because I thought she was attractive. She has an identical twin, and she says if I think she's attractive, I must want her twin too. FML

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By Evaki1 - Greece

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my tampons weren't ear plugs. FML

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By livvlynette - Australia

Today, I went to a family funeral. Talking to my grandfather, trying the make chitchat, he says "You're gaining weight, aren't you?" FML

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By Ouchithurt - United States

Today, I was following my girlfriend up the stairs, I was pretty sure I was going to get lucky. As I was almost up the set of stairs, she lifted her skirt and revealed to me that she wasn't wearing any panties. I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

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By Powerfool - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

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By Username

Today, my assistant manager was arguing with a customer. I interjected letting the customer know that "we want everything to be copacetic." After the customer left, I received a write up for using "big words." FML

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By Betterthanthis - United States - New Berlin

Today, when my boss said, "Don't worry, I know all the requirements," she actually meant, "I know nothing, and will scream at you in rage because you cannot psychically divine all the requirements the day before a major holiday when no one is available to talk to you." FML

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By awilson - United States

Today, I was eating MandMs on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering, "Where is that little bastard?" FML

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By notsogoodtrainee - United States - Fargo

Today, at my first day of work, I was impressing my trainer with my skills by carrying many trays at once. Well, I could until I came around the corner and ran into a customer. With food all over his front, he introduced him self to me as the head manager. FML

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By Stinkycar

Today, it was an unusually hot day and I saw one of my friends walking down the street carrying a large bag. I stopped and asked if he needed a ride. When he got in, I noticed a horrible stench. He then told me he'd just been dumpster diving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I admitted to my mother that I've had sex with my boyfriend. She seemed to handle it well, but when my boyfriend came over, she condemned him to hell in between asking him what he would like to have for dinner. FML

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By Pooldead - Germany - Munich

Today, while introducing my girlfriend to my family, everyone told me that she looked exactly like my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was confronted by my father after I got back home from a party in the early hours. He demanded to know if I'd been doing any drugs, and then decided to give me a scare lecture on the dangers of alcohol. I'd had a few beers. He had the smell of tequila on his breath. FML

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By Cùchulainn - France

Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML

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By crazyclumzy - Canada

Today, I had lunch with a co-worker, and after having a good talk and enjoying each others company, we got up to leave. Right before we said goodbye, she looked me right in the face and looking legitimately confused said "you know, I really don't understand why no one at work likes you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kapolei

Today, I woke up to my friend stroking my face with the bottom of his foot and whispering, "Shh, you're okay." FML

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By I shaved my legs for this

Today, I prepared for my first date in two years. I shaved my legs, did my hair and nails, painted my face, found the perfect outfit, then waited for hours for a man who never came. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum excitedly discussed with me the prospect of starting a mother-son YouTube duo. Thinking she was joking, I went along with it. She is now installing a 24-hour webcam in the house to record our conversations, which she perceives as hilarious, and is going to upload them. FML

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By rkaneki

Twice error

Today, the guy I've been seeing told me he did not want to pursue a relationship with me after over 2 months of talking. He did the exact same thing to me 7 years ago. I fell for him twice. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to quit my job. Why? Because I don't have a babysitter anymore. All I did was tell them I didn't want them mocking my baby when he cries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2008

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By ifhehadadickforaheaditdbefuckingsmall - Cyprus - Strovolos

Today, my husband was arrested for having sex in public. FML

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By TakenAdvantageOf

Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML

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Today, a guest at my restaurant asked me what a tip was. I had to awkwardly explain to him that servers don't make hourly wages, and we rely on tips from customers to make money. After I finished, he laughed at me, called me a sucker, and stiffed me on a $120 tab. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Bye, dipshit

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

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Top comments

By bambi114 | 0

#1346310 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:19

I don't blame her . I wouldn't miss my fav tv shows for sex . but sorry anyway

By RoccoRox | 0

#1346358 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:25

couldn't she record it? or better yet you guys could go at it while gossip girl is on. win win situation.

COMMENTS

By bambi114 | 0

#1346310 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:19

I don't blame her . I wouldn't miss my fav tv shows for sex . but sorry anyway

Einstein714 | 0

#1346361 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:26

hey, no problem, a quickie is always a winner

porschka | 0

#1346431 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:31

tivo

iSitt | 0

#1346446 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:34

she gives you what you want, you give her what she wants.

KingDingALing | 9

#1346522 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:56

You should cum in her eyes and say "How are you gonna watch Gossio Girl with cum in your eyes, BITCH!" Then you cockslap her and go to sleep. The end:)

StopTheFuckinCar_fml | 0

#1346657 - Saturday 4 September 2010 0:34

not an fml. compromise dude. not a big deal. or wait till after the she finishes her show. she said yes anyway, what's the problem? a quickie before, more than that after.

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#1346739 - Saturday 4 September 2010 1:03

lmao i love how OPs girlfriend was in the kitchen :)

free2speak | 14

#1347219 - Saturday 4 September 2010 2:02

sounds like a win to me!

MarkerofMagic | 0

#1347479 - Saturday 4 September 2010 2:42

doggy Style ftw??

beautikill | 4

#1347587 - Saturday 4 September 2010 3:04

<3 gossip girl!!! :D

Phirr | 0

#1348067 - Saturday 4 September 2010 4:20

I like how you had to walk into the kitchen to find her LOL

riceplum | 0

#1348604 - Saturday 4 September 2010 6:25

sooo...she's dtf I dont c the problem...

MarkeiMark | 0

#1348879 - Saturday 4 September 2010 7:22

dudee, you better have finished before. stuff like tv shows, that stuff is LEGIT.

By fmlbai | 0

#1346318 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:19

quicky ftw

izzy21_fml | 0

#1349729 - Saturday 4 September 2010 11:17

gossip girl is the shiiiieeett

By RoccoRox | 0

#1346358 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:25

couldn't she record it? or better yet you guys could go at it while gossip girl is on. win win situation.

H0rnykailey | 0

#1346426 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:31

yeah just have sex while it's on :D

skgirl | 0

#1346705 - Saturday 4 September 2010 0:48

agreed just either record it or have sex while watching and just wait till after the show is over if she's not down

underaegis | 0

#1349266 - Saturday 4 September 2010 9:12

no that would be akward... gasp bobs cheeting on me... you: like this stuff actually happens... GF: umm yeah sure

ifuckuprandomly | 28

#7477736 - Friday 30 June 2017 11:07

I've done that and its not that fun when she keeps stopping to watch Chuck and Blair say some cheesy shit

By mattman1994 | 0

#1346363 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:26

it was an emergency

By colleen2920 | 0

#1346372 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:26

where's the fml in this?

impatientkarma | 0

#1346423 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:30

I was thinking the same thing. At least she still wanna do it.

By Hevzy | 0

#1346428 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:31

Even better - watch gossip girl WHILE you are doing it. GENIUS!

By substitutes | 0

#1346438 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:32

I would rather watched gossip girl

By Fedor_is_KING | 0

#1346487 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:43

Sounds awesome! You get to finish early and not feel bad. Plus, you get to watch "Gossip Girl" after!

weightnc | 1

#1348511 - Saturday 4 September 2010 6:02

win^^

Serec | 0

#1349297 - Saturday 4 September 2010 9:18

Hahahahahhaha!

By XxMidnightReader | 0

#1346494 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:45

: sux

By KittehKatt | 0

#1346502 - Friday 3 September 2010 23:48

aww op it's not so bad,
just watch gossip girl at the same time,
me and my boyfriend "multi task" all the time :P