Intimacy: Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to...

By idiot says pussy - 21/01/2014 17:43 - United States

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 284

You deserved it 7 914

Intimacy

Taking stock

Leave us alone

Triage

By K-Rat - 09/10/2016 12:16 - United States

Today, my cat loves to chase birds. In fact, he loves it so much, he ran out of the litter box mid-poop to chase one, forcing me to wipe his ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 408

You deserved it 1 037

By lisha182 - 20/02/2011 11:49 - Australia

Today, I got demoted from my manager's position, only to be replaced by a 21 year old who has never worked in retail in her life. I now have to spend the next month teaching her my job so they can fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 193

You deserved it 3 545

By Anonymous - 18/03/2017 03:00 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, it's my first day at my new job. Unfortunately, I have a very bad cold. When my boss leaned in to show me something on the computer, I sneezed all over him. A hell of a first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 421

You deserved it 643

Social parasites

By BlackBear1996 - 04/11/2021 05:00

Today, I blocked my landlord on social media messengers because he wouldn't stop trying to get with me, while living in a house with him, his wife, and kids. I wasn't interested, and wanted to be respectful and protect my living situation. My disinterest upset him. I now have until next month to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 211

You deserved it 77

By Anonymous - 13/05/2009 17:46 - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 964

You deserved it 3 830

Boozehound alert

By guiltyschuldig49 - 25/04/2020 23:00

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 572

You deserved it 201

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 22:38 - United States

Today, as I was making instant hot chocolate from the hot water dispenser in the break-room at work, a coworker informed me that it was industrial "recycled" wastewater that was only supposed to be used for washing tools. Thanks. I've only been doing that every day for the past 8 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 024

You deserved it 5 242

By NoKeyNoCar - 13/08/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I rented a car that has a smart key. The proximity of the key determines if the doors will unlock. I went to a meeting and returned to the car with the trunk popped open and all my luggage gone. The rental company decided to store a spare key in the glovebox for safe keeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 975

You deserved it 3 269

By Anonymous - 29/04/2009 23:12 - Canada

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 492

You deserved it 79 229

Never leave evidence

By Anonymous - 14/11/2021 02:00

Today, I asked my crush out, after a year of liking her. What did she do? She laughed, took a screenshot of it and sent it to her friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 966

You deserved it 94

By throwinguptears - 02/11/2016 14:30 - United States - Marlborough

Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything was perfect, I was ready to go see my favorite comedian live. I got the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 959

You deserved it 1 266

Keys, how do they work?

By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 01:56

Today, I had to call a locksmith because I got locked out of my apartment. It cost a total of $350 to break in and repair the lock. Not even 3 hours later, I dropped my only key in the sewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 758

WHAT?

By Nohearingornoeating - 17/05/2018 15:00

Today, my brand-new digital hearing aid fell out of my ear as I was walking home from the store. I've retraced my steps, but cannot find it anywhere. It cost $2000, and replacement, like the hearing aid itself, is not covered by insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 079

You deserved it 376

Batshit

By fuck your indoctrination - 26/03/2021 09:01 - United States

Today, my cousin died of a very treatable illness. She was pressured into herbal and holistic "faith healing" instead of seeking "poisonous western filth". Her husband, church and family all seem to think she made the right choice. I’ve been shunned for disagreeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 344

You deserved it 77

By Powerfool - 07/04/2009 10:07 - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 185 968

You deserved it 10 694

By anonymous - 23/11/2010 09:32

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 797

You deserved it 3 095

So special

By Anonymous - 18/05/2020 20:00

Today, my boyfriend gave me the best birthday ever, then promptly broke up with me at midnight to get back with his ex, because he "didn't want to ruin my special day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 797

You deserved it 111

How does that work?

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 20:00

Today, after I spent years, and thousands of dollars, searching for my birth father, he changed his mind about adopting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 136

Oh, hai Mark!

By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend's antisocial father actually decided to talk to me. Too bad I couldn't respond, due to the fact that I still had his son's penis in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 057

You deserved it 750

By Anonymous - 13/08/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming. I went to put a sharp kitchen knife in the sink while she was washing dishes, and stabbed her in the finger instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 089

You deserved it 930

Where there's a will…

By Anonymous - 09/02/2021 05:01

Today, as a final effort to get me to lose weight, my recently deceased father left me $25,000 on his will, which is only to be released to me once I weigh 150 pounds. No exceptions. I'm about to lose my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 991

You deserved it 441

By queenmeme - 08/10/2014 06:02 - United States - Redlands

Today, I showed my mom a picture of a baby sloth. She then said, "Wait, sloths are real?" She thought Ice Age made them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 291

You deserved it 3 714

By Passtheicecream - 25/01/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 406

You deserved it 592

By LongDriveNoSleep - 24/05/2016 10:38 - United States - Washington

Today, my friend, who I'm moving in with, flew up to drive from Pennsylvania to Texas, where she lives, with me. I went to the airport to pick her up and we discovered she accidentally flew to the wrong airport. On the other side of the state. I'm driving through the night to rescue her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 044

You deserved it 1 330

By Anonymous - 02/09/2014 17:03 - United States - Portland

Today, I saw someone purposely drive into someone's garbage can with their car. Trying to be nice, I stopped and started to pick it up. As I did, the owner came out of his house and chased me away with a knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 591

You deserved it 3 842

Unreasonable

By fml9124 - 10/07/2020 08:01

Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 374

You deserved it 80

Awkwaaaaaaard

By Zoe Avila - 09/08/2011 22:55 - United States

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 826

You deserved it 9 043

By Anonymous - 27/12/2015 02:07 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 133

You deserved it 2 172

By Cult - 30/03/2014 14:27 - United States - Glenside

Today, I found out that my favorite band logo is no longer being used by said band because of copyright issues. I have this logo tattooed on my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 281

You deserved it 57 397

By Anonymous - 26/05/2010 20:14 - Switzerland

Today, I found out I'm allergic to the pills my doctor prescribed for coughing, which I really need because I ripped a muscle in my stomach. Now my whole upper body is covered in a terrible itchy rash. I also found out it will last for at least another week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 915

You deserved it 2 573

By slamo - 06/08/2009 10:10 - Australia

Today, I walked into my new maths class. I stepped inside only to be yelled at by the teacher for nearly 15 minutes. I was then told never to enter her class again and was sent to the principal. My identical twin brother was in her class the period before me. He also has a thing for older women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 896

You deserved it 3 328

By TipsyTj - 29/03/2016 13:05 - Canada - Kentville

Today, I was on my run, running past the home of the very attractive guy in my English class. This time he was outside. As I was running I casually waved, he waved back, but because I was distracted, I didn't notice a rock on the sidewalk and ended up tripping and pantsing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 145

You deserved it 3 235

By Anonymous - 02/10/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, on my way to work I swerved to avoid hitting a dead animal. Too bad I ended up hitting a live one instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 869

You deserved it 8 982

By Anonymous - 16/03/2014 03:46 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 704

You deserved it 21 854

By OutOfLuck - 17/09/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, my professor informed me that if I didn't "show more commitment" to my choral ensemble he would give my spot to a "more interested young woman." I missed class to see my neurologist. Apparently my seizures are a symptom of lack of commitment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 301

You deserved it 2 752

By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 15:17 - Ireland

Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window-pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 556

You deserved it 3 327

By bm128902 - 01/10/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was going around saying that she tries to give time off to the other managers so they can spend time with their family and significant others. She looked at me and said she doesn't for me because I have no one special to spend time with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 456

You deserved it 2 840

Supportive

By Burden - 12/03/2021 06:31 - India

Today, once again, my mom ranted about how she sacrificed so much for me by moving to a better city. I said it was for my education and to stop making me feel like a burden. She scoffed, "Right, you never should've been born. My mistake." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 155

You deserved it 128

By an unlucky man - 05/08/2016 09:37 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 893

You deserved it 3 080

By little_star78 - 13/11/2013 11:08 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I tried to put the little girl I babysit in timeout for lying to me. I was about to sit her down when she made a mad dash for the basement stairs, slipped on the wood floor, and fell down them. She told her parents and everyone at the ER that I had thrown her down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 077

You deserved it 3 587

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Top comments

Dthsapprntc 23

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:00

You moved in on his territory, of course he is going to be pissed at you.

Pleonasm 35

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:01

"Idiot says pussy." Very strategic name, OP, let's see if it pays off in the comments.

Dthsapprntc 23

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:00

You moved in on his territory, of course he is going to be pissed at you.

Sports_guy3 28

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:11

Guess you fucked the wrong pussy ;).

Dthsapprntc 23

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:22

Nope. I always double check to make sure I fuck the right pussy. That way I avoid any awkward and/or painful situations.

FangirlingAlways 14

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:57

All these pussy jokes. Ya'll need Jesus.

naren723 11

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 0:31

Doesn't matter, had sex.

Dthsapprntc 23

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 1:33

Jesus, the new wonder drug from ACME Medicine. It cures any illness and makes your life better. It even turnes water to wine. Side effects include, but are not limites to, arrogance, ignorance, intolerance, hatered, holier than thou attitude, and a tendency to tell others that they need Jesus. ACME Medicine not liable for any bloodshed done while under the influence of Jesus. Yes, I'm well aware that I am going to Hell.

HockeyGirlLover 7

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 1:58

I give you a round of applause for this post

dachayke 16

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:50

Yes, quite a few protestants can be Jesus jerks at times, but there are also quite a few depressed, emo, atheists who shove their opinion in everyone's face and insult God and anyone who believes in him.

smokecloud_ 37

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 4:18

Pretty sure 47 was making a, very successful, joke. By the way, not all atheists are depressed emos while we're correcting stereotypes. ;)

Never_Land 10

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 4:48

Even being a man of faith I agree with you

tman1985 9

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 9:49

with all of the pussy comments, how in the hell is beaver supposed to get any recognition?

xerbrus 14

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 13:13

someone with the screen name fangirlingalways said we need Jesus...You know obsession is a sin right???

Jebitesevsi 11

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 15:48

No, you're going to the hall of fame!

incoherentrmblr 21

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Friday 24 January 2014 3:32

The pussy is mad b/c he's not getting any pussy...

Adhdkid107 9

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:01

Someone's pussy doesn't like that.....

kjack49044 18

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:17

But...worth it.

184886837272837 32

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 1:43

It's best to only try to please one pussy at a time

Ch_rae5 19

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 6:10

I bet her dad trained it.

TheOnlyMizLiv 22

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 7:22

Aaaand someone didn't read the username.

Pleonasm 35

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:01

"Idiot says pussy." Very strategic name, OP, let's see if it pays off in the comments.

TorturedXeno 27

Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:02

Looks like someone fell in the trap already.

Pleonasm 35

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:04

It's a minefield out here, and it seems that everyone is playing "Don't touch the lava." Seriously. Every single one.

Adhdkid107 9

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:21

Hey it was worth a shot xD

codyswearingen 3

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 0:21

Shut ur mouth

184886837272837 32

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 1:54

fuck...

dachayke 16

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:53

#51, I hope you have your username written down in case you accidentally sign out.

ruckfules85 34

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:02

Hes like "hell yeah. You ain't doing to this pussy what you do to that pussy."

CaptMurdock 25

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:04

Well looks like you might not be getting any friendly pussy any time soon.

gingaa96 18

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:46

Well I guess you're an idiot..

parism143 28

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:05

I don't think her pussy was satisfied with your actions!

cyttex 13

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 1:58

Every damn time there's a fml involving a cat..

parism143 28

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 4:17

I apologise, I wish I could delete it but sadly FML doesn't offer that option.

israelnotjacob 20

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:06

Does that really override the fact that you got some?

jnanderson 16

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:14

DM;HS

israelnotjacob 20

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:21

I normally hate that joke because it's so overused, but I think this time its a legitimate argument. I even am a cat person, but a cat hissing at me could hardly ruin a sexual experience.

StompinOnCrayons 15

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:08

Don't expect both the pussies bro

PieReaper 11

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 13:06

Okay bro

perdix 29

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:08

If you want to dominate one pussy in a household, you have to dominate them all!

JaegerMayCry 13

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:22

I don't think I like where this is going....

perdix 29

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Tuesday 21 January 2014 23:26

#24, do you mean you don't like the puns, or that you'd prefer to be pussy-whipped?

Zelphoric 25

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 0:27

No im pretty sure he was talking about bestiality... Which is always a bad idea

sdroze1389 31

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 0:34

#39. he wasn't talking about bestiality, unless it's a story involving a donkey then the chances are high. Texas is close to Mexico....

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:09

not necessarily bestiality. ..its just showing animals who's boss...he didn't say fuck the cat, just stand up to him/her. you cant let an animal dominate you.. thats where poorly behaved animals come from.