Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking...

By Brian B - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

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12927

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Work

Great speech, thanks!

Toxic people

Child's play

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 20:02

This guy is a GENIUS

Today, in a bid to avoid going to the dentist, my husband decided to have one of his drunk buddies pull his tooth out with pliers. Now he has to have surgery to remove the shards of tooth left rotting in his mouth. It’s going to cost thousands. Thanks babe. FML

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1013

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By unwantedlove - France

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, "You're blocking the TV." FML

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40999

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6879

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By :| - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I heard my neighbors having a violent argument in their front yard. I listened in, and soon found out why the wife wasn't happy with her husband. Apparently, she had caught her husband peeking through my windows for the second time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29771

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2360

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By Anon

Today, I was working on an art commission for some random kid's OC and I didn't notice that I made the nose look like a man's private parts. The mother was upset and spammed my mailbox. FML

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1800

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444

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By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27842

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1879

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By Lifeless - United States

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14589

You deserved it

33551

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By ElleSavage

Today, I finally found a dress I'd been missing for months. It was in a casket, on my recently deceased cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4676

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253

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By knevs - United States

Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35640

You deserved it

2956

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By Crish - 22/11/2020 05:05 - Italy

Simple plan

Today, I was patiently explaining to my boyfriend what I liked in bed, after several weeks of unsatisfactory sex. He snapped at me and said, "80% of women fake their orgasms. Why can't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1281

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115

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By romea244 - United States

Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus. While picking up the pieces to throw away, I noticed a spider on my forearm. Without thinking, I swiped at the spider with a piece of the cactus. I missed the spider, not my forearm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14615

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26941

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By crash - United States

Today, I went dirtbiking. While I was going down a hill, I spun out of control and flipped over my handle bars. I now have a sprained arm, multiple bruises and a crescent-shaped gash on my neck that looks like I was bitten. People are asking if my boyfriend and I were being frisky last night. FML

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43121

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8875

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By dangit - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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22949

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14105

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 20:06

You're so vain, you probably think this FML is about you

Today, my daughter is so selfish, she did her makeup in her hospital room so she could take a selfie with her newborn son in the background BEFORE she had even held him for the first time. Yes, BEFORE. My grandson spent his first hour of life waiting for his mom to be ready for a photo op. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2262

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281

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By Kayak - United Kingdom

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

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44373

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4461

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By badhairday - United States

Today, was a nice day, so I opened the sunroof and all the windows in my car. My hair started flying around and at one point it went out the sunroof. My friends thought it would be funny to close my hair in the sunroof. They laughed until they couldn't open it up again. It short-circuited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44726

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3390

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By MrZach - United States

Today, I had a tooth pulled. An hour or so later, I removed the gauze from my mouth, because I thought the bleeding had stopped. I got on my laptop. A few minutes later I looked down, to see that I had drooled blood all over the keyboard, and didn't know because my mouth was numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14822

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33729

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By Dumped - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31557

You deserved it

3370

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML

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66607

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4064

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

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29412

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13822

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By heartbrokenl12453

Movie night

Today, my girlfriend decided that the best place to break up with me was during a movie about two couples breaking up. FML

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1520

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112

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

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35664

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13722

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

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15333

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70068

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By emih - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

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25422

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3112

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By Forgotten One - France

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years decided to start an online blog about his life. He mentioned his cars, his friends and even his staff. I was never mentioned. FML

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29802

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4907

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37081

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5214

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By notagyno - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

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41742

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9079

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By just socially awkward

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2980

You deserved it

189

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By limpdick9 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cop car was tailing me. I was scared, and trying to avoid any tickets, I drove straight through a huge pothole rather than swerving to avoid it. The cop pulled me over and insisted I was intoxicated, because "anybody in their right mind would've dodged that pothole." FML

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35182

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7060

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By parenting_failure - France

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51978

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8715

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, after my daughter told half her class about my retainer, I advised her to keep mummy's personal details personal. Now she responds, "I'm not supposed to tell" to any question regarding our home life. Thus far, I've received six very concerned calls. FML

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25866

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2595

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By Typidiot

Today, I spent ages writing a draft press release as part of a copywriting job application. I worked really hard and read it through several times before submitting. They emailed me to point out that I'd misspelled the name of the company. Twice. FML

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1709

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2555

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By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, feeling very distant to my daughter recently, I decided to sneak a peek in her diary to see what was on her mind. The book was apparently one of those that play the sound of a woman screaming when opened improperly, and alerted everyone in the house to my actions. FML

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6759

You deserved it

61986

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By AllThatJazz - United States

Today, I was stage managing a school show. Some kids were goofing off backstage, so I yelled at them that they could hurt themselves. While walking back to my chair, I tripped over my own feet and fell 5 feet off the stage. I shattered my cheekbone telling kids they would hurt themselves. FML

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52927

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By ToiletTroubles - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

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44974

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3084

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By promoted - Australia

Today, my boss quit his job and stopped coming in without warning. Guess who just inherited his tasks and responsibilities without the training or pay associated with his manager role. I was hired last year as a junior system admin. FML

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27567

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3085

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I arrived at my apartment to find the door kicked in. Inside, I found my TV, Xbox, stereo, CDs, and laptop had all been stolen. When my roommate got home, I told him about it, to which he replied, "Yeah, I left my keys inside this morning, so I kicked the door in to get them." He left with the door kicked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36308

You deserved it

2540

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2020 08:04 - United States

Worldstar! Worldstar!

Today, I went to buy some flowers for the anniversary of my grandpa's death. I was feeling sad as I finished paying, but as soon as I got near the exit, two women started fighting at the door. We had to wait for the fight to finish because the staff decided to record it and not break it up. FML

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1123

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By nottililgirl - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7987

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43987

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having a screaming argument with my son in our front yard, I suddenly realized we are "that white trash family" in the neighborhood. FML

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11298

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By Anonymous

Today, a guy asked for hot fries at the drive thru. After receiving the fries, he threw them at the drive thru window, complained that they were too hot, and asked for the manager for burning his mouth. I am the manager. FML

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2940

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138

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Top comments

By GabbyCharityM | 0

#3284416 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Well that's a shitty situation..
Someone had to say it.

By erazzle | 0

#3284414 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Good poo?

COMMENTS

By erazzle | 0

#3284414 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Good poo?

stro88 | 6

#3284640 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:13

Damn and you didn't get an ass sore from that? Shit you must be used to being dirty.

EvilPotato | 14

#3284734 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:27

Or a fiesty poo that tired him out either one really.

NotAPedo | 0

#3284793 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:39

Must've been those boring ones since he fell asleep. You know, those dumps when you forgot your iPod or phone to entertain yourself

fatgirllovesfml | 0

#3284853 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:53

How could you sleep with all that smelly shit swimming under you -__-

hockey199813 | 5

#3285840 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:34

Ha?

angeljewlz | 7

#3286071 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:13

Must've taken a lot out of you lol

fakeaccountX | 6

#3286247 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:49

Musta been mighty uncomfortable in there without a pillow.

drdingus | 27

#4076824 - Thursday 23 February 2012 12:11

ouch

By GabbyCharityM | 0

#3284416 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Well that's a shitty situation..
Someone had to say it.

turkishjew | 0

#3284426 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:42

jondivey | 9

#3284578 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:59

No is right, and next time op tell the truth no one is gonna give you that much shit. Lol

EvilPotato | 14

#3284706 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:24

18 that was not necessary either.

NotAPedo | 0

#3284801 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:40

No, no one had to say that.

LouisianaBob | 9

#3285032 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:24

I'd just be honest about that. People won't think less of you if you're honest about embarrassing things.

13FTW | 9

#3285138 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:45

Well, that's a shitty situation..
(;

white16sox | 19

#3285810 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:28

39 are you an echo?

xXshadowrollerXx | 6

#3285876 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:41

53 - More than just an echo.. A flirtatious echo. I heard that's the worst kind.

Saltime | 0

#3286030 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:07

I swear, the next person that make a "shitty situation" pun, is in deep shit.

Pun fucking intended.

13FTW | 9

#3286481 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 4:42

Sadly, I meant it as a joke to people. I didn't literally mean it. It was said it was obnoxious so I obnoxiously stated it once more.

rallets | 22

#3286863 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:52

ive had enough of this shit

vegan_muffin | 4

#3289563 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 20:43

...I hear that's the worst kind ;) *bats eyelashes*

By Ima_monster_x3 | 12

#3284419 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Unluckaaay.

gigi03 | 5

#3285312 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:12

I know right

decidedlyvague | 11

#3287038 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 8:41

Every kiss begins with unluc kaaaay?

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3287156 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:50

Ends with ^?

By Quest_ | 13

#3284432 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:42

Wait, what?

Quest_ | 13

#3284534 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:54

Also may I add that I hope you enjoyed your fecal-encrusted anus after you woke up. Did it clog up like an uncapped tube of super glue?

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3285597 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:46

IDK why but I'm rofling so hard I can barely breath =|.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face ^_^

bdair | 1

#3287075 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:01

WTF ?!

By ollie179 | 21

#3284447 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:44

*strain* plop!

ZzzZzzzzzzzzZZzzZzzzz

Poopolicious | 5

#3286855 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:49

The force was so strong you got knocked out... Ehh

By dreamering | 16

#3284454 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:45

Were you able to walk after that?

By flockz | 19

#3284460 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:46

home:where i can poop for however long i want. thats the only thing that gets me through the day.

pinkpolarbear | 8

#3285693 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:02

Demotivational poster status!!

By alexiiiis09 | 0

#3284474 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:48

Shit sucks

By spicywatermelon | 0

#3284476 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:48

Lmao. Fav.

By HentaiBunny | 4

#3284482 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:49

What's so shameful about snoozing in your own feces? Brag about that shit, literally.