Work: Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking...

By Brian B - 13/09/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 949

You deserved it 25 376

Work

Scarcity

Operation time!

Size zero

By Anonymous - 04/01/2009 15:18 - France

Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 333

You deserved it 7 293

By Anonymous - 16/09/2015 17:16 - Japan

Today, I'm on vacation in Japan with my brother. When he said he could speak Japanese, I guess what he really meant that he's a dumbass weeaboo who only knows the words "kawaii", "baka", "sugoi" and a few others. He ended up offending two locals so much that they beat the shit out of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 894

You deserved it 3 338

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, a customer at work made threats against me and my two-month old son. Instead of following policy by notifying the police, my manager apologized to him and told me to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 038

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 10/05/2011 21:20 - United States

Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction on our school. I had to take a dump really bad, and had to use the built in bathroom. As I was in there I heard laughing. Turns out, every sound you make is an entire broadcast to the class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 644

You deserved it 4 417

By crushed - 29/03/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I was hanging with my boyfriend and when his mom came to pick him up, he introduced me. She talked to me politely and i thought we hit it off very well. As I was walking away I hear her say "That's your new girlfriend? Honey, you could do so much better". FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 049

You deserved it 4 455

By Anonymous - 22/06/2011 05:35 - United States

Today, it was my first day at my new job. My new boss asked me if I was single. After telling him I have been happily married for 6 years, he fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 964

You deserved it 3 915

By Masonlee89 - 21/11/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 774

You deserved it 41 897

By mackenzie_cain - 14/01/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to jail for a DUI. In a panic, I rushed to go bail him out. On the way to the jail I was stopped for running a red light. I soon joined my boyfriend in jail with my very own DUI charge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 422

You deserved it 65 473

By CyberPsycho - 28/07/2016 16:24 - United States - Nashville

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 079

You deserved it 6 090

Christmas is treacherous

By Jeremy - 20/12/2020 23:00

Today, I decided to take my girlfriend out to look at Christmas lights and get hot chocolate. While cleaning my snow-covered truck, I slipped and broke three bones in my ankle, and now need surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 060

You deserved it 60

By stickyservice - 26/04/2014 01:21 - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, an angry customer threw her sticky toffee pudding at the wall and pointed out that because it didn't stick, it was not really a "sticky" toffee pudding, and that she'd been mislead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 187

You deserved it 3 261

By Anonymous - 26/07/2013 07:06 - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 772

You deserved it 3 615

By Anonymous - 20/12/2015 08:25

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 803

You deserved it 1 650

By AlexB - 19/08/2016 07:01 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, in an effort to try and get fit, I was doing yoga on my carpet when my foot slipped. It went under my radiator, which peeled the skin off my heel like peeling a potato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 320

You deserved it 1 425

By Anonymous - 31/07/2014 16:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, my son said his first word. Unfortunately, that word was "cock." I've tried convincing myself that he's trying to say "clock" but I just can't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 192

You deserved it 7 736

By cactii - 16/02/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 367

You deserved it 14 382

Stability

By Terrible Boss - 18/09/2019 02:04 - United States

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 6 334

By Anonymous - 16/03/2013 00:12 - France - Bourges

Today, my boyfriend still won't talk to me, after I caused him the "worst embarrassment" of his life in front of his friends. What did I do wrong? I joined their conversation and ended up confusing the fictional characters of Gollum and Yoda with one another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 701

You deserved it 64 408

By instinct - 12/06/2013 03:06 - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, after years of faking pleasure with my boyfriend, I visited the gynaecologist. As soon as she touched my privates I instinctively let out a fake moan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 779

You deserved it 78 069

By Anonymous - 29/08/2010 07:27 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 820

You deserved it 15 502

By newdad - 06/09/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 720

You deserved it 5 983

By parentalissues - 15/02/2013 15:50 - United States

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 267

You deserved it 2 967

By RichardPencil - 07/10/2016 10:32 - United States

Today, I thought everyone was smiling at me because they liked my "skateboarding behind a police motorcycle" prank. Turns out, they all saw the open sewer manhole 10 metres ahead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 174

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people; 17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 009

You deserved it 40 705

Knackered

By bandeek - 23/10/2016 18:52

Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 972

You deserved it 2 841

By ZAS - 18/04/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 558

You deserved it 6 249

By vlcardenx3 - 12/03/2011 21:11 - United States

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 519

You deserved it 6 132

By vetapplez - 04/04/2009 08:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 269

You deserved it 8 603

By yummolives - 26/08/2009 20:31 - United States

Today, my little sister recieved a fairy costume from my aunt. She put it on and waves her wand at me. She said,"Abra cadabra bibbity poo. I wish Sydney was pretty." When I did nothing, she put her hands on her hips and says,"Cant you just act pretty?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 170

You deserved it 5 457

Fast food

By hpberkla - 05/09/2020 23:01

Today, I was at the Wendy's drive-through with my four kids in the car. As the worker handed me my food through the window, a man wearing a ski mask ran right between us, snatched the bags of food and took off. They refused to refund me for the food, because they said I staged the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 884

You deserved it 278

When pranks go wrong

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 08:01

Today, as punishment for a prank, my girlfriend has banned all forms of sex, kissing or touching for the foreseeable future. She’s also started stripping as soon as she gets home and walking around in just her thong, or sometimes even completely naked, just to make my suffering worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 2 224

Sex, Different idea

By BloodyButUnbowed - 24/11/2019 03:00

Today, I was deceived into a contract to "edit" porn. It was sick, disgusting material which stirred up all my sexual-abuse-survivor issues and made me retch. When I went to my husband to tell him what happened, his only comment was "Is it hot?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 575

You deserved it 550

By fucking fuck it fucking hurts - 21/12/2012 22:41 - United States

Today, after nearly a week of awful pain in my right lung, I finally went to see a doctor about it. When I mentioned my history of lung problems and suggested it could be pneumonia, he told me to "leave the diagnosing to the professionals" and ended up claiming I have acid reflux. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 570

You deserved it 6 163

Basted High School

By RoastedbyNature - 21/05/2017 22:00

Today, my high school decided to practice graduation outside for 4 hours instead of inside, as well as serve lunch outside. Now everybody, including myself, is going to be sunburnt in their graduation pictures, because we were told practice was inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 436

You deserved it 385

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 13:01 - United States

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 023

You deserved it 11 180

By Anonymous - 04/07/2012 16:40 - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 593

You deserved it 3 274

By Australian Lifeguard - 22/10/2014 03:18 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 793

You deserved it 4 016

By neveragain89 - 06/01/2012 00:37 - Australia

Today, I had shelves installed using a builder who came highly recommended by my co-worker. Turns out the builder is her friend, who has no actual qualifications or experience as a builder, but 'it's his dream'. I now have a gaping hole in my kitchen where the shelves should be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 728

You deserved it 5 308

By hopelesss88 - 17/06/2010 12:42 - Australia

Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later his twitter account said otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 546

You deserved it 4 310

By Anathema_360 - 20/09/2009 23:19 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 132

You deserved it 3 895

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Top comments

ollie179 21

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:44

*strain* plop! ZzzZzzzzzzzzZZzzZzzzz

erazzle 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Good poo?

erazzle 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Good poo?

stro88 6

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:13

Damn and you didn't get an ass sore from that? Shit you must be used to being dirty.

EvilPotato 14

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:27

Or a fiesty poo that tired him out either one really.

NotAPedo 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:39

Must've been those boring ones since he fell asleep. You know, those dumps when you forgot your iPod or phone to entertain yourself

fatgirllovesfml 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:53

How could you sleep with all that smelly shit swimming under you -__-

hockey199813 5

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:34

Ha?

angeljewlz 7

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:13

Must've taken a lot out of you lol

fakeaccountX 6

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:49

Musta been mighty uncomfortable in there without a pillow.

drdingus 27

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Thursday 23 February 2012 12:11

ouch

GabbyCharityM 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Well that's a shitty situation.. Someone had to say it.

turkishjew 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:42

jondivey 9

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:59

No is right, and next time op tell the truth no one is gonna give you that much shit. Lol

EvilPotato 14

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:24

18 that was not necessary either.

NotAPedo 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:40

No, no one had to say that.

LouisianaBob 9

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:24

I'd just be honest about that. People won't think less of you if you're honest about embarrassing things.

13FTW 9

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:45

Well, that's a shitty situation.. (;

white16sox 19

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:28

39 are you an echo?

xXshadowrollerXx 6

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:41

53 - More than just an echo.. A flirtatious echo. I heard that's the worst kind.

Saltime 0

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:07

I swear, the next person that make a "shitty situation" pun, is in deep shit. Pun fucking intended.

13FTW 9

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 4:42

Sadly, I meant it as a joke to people. I didn't literally mean it. It was said it was obnoxious so I obnoxiously stated it once more.

rallets 22

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:52

ive had enough of this shit

vegan_muffin 4

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 20:43

...I hear that's the worst kind ;) *bats eyelashes*

Ima_monster_x3 12

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Unluckaaay.

gigi03 5

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:12

I know right

decidedlyvague 11

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 8:41

Every kiss begins with unluc kaaaay?

StopDropNRoll 11

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:50

Ends with ^?

Quest_ 13

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:42

Wait, what?

Quest_ 13

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:54

Also may I add that I hope you enjoyed your fecal-encrusted anus after you woke up. Did it clog up like an uncapped tube of super glue?

iam_yummylicious 12

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:46

IDK why but I'm rofling so hard I can barely breath =|. Thanks for putting a smile on my face ^_^

bdair 1

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:01

WTF ?!

ollie179 21

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:44

*strain* plop! ZzzZzzzzzzzzZZzzZzzzz

Poopolicious 5

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:49

The force was so strong you got knocked out... Ehh

dreamering 16

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:45

Were you able to walk after that?

flockz 19

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:46

home:where i can poop for however long i want. thats the only thing that gets me through the day.

pinkpolarbear 8

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:02

Demotivational poster status!!

alexiiiis09 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:48

Shit sucks

spicywatermelon 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:48

Lmao. Fav.

HentaiBunny 4

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:49

What's so shameful about snoozing in your own feces? Brag about that shit, literally.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 16

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 1 085

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 1 237

Christmas is treacherous

Stability

Knackered

Fast food

When pranks go wrong

Sex, Different idea

Basted High School

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