Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking...

By Brian B - 13/9/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

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Work

Time don't heal nothing

Caught red-handed

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By Angelofkarma - 25/5/2009 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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313689

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2013 07:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

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By chickenshit4 - 15/5/2016 00:57 - United States - Pine Ridge

Today, my 43 year old mother came home covered in hickeys. FML

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13090

Phew, glad it wasn't me

3011

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By pathetic - 23/4/2012 22:06 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I was trolling in a chat room when someone said, quote: "He's just a no-life, unemployed loser still living in his mom's basement. Probably spends all day stroking his tiny dong and fantasizing about having a real girlfriend." I actually started crying because it was so accurate. FML

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By Nik - 23/1/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

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By Crombinator - 1/5/2015 05:30 - United States - Estacada

Today, my roommate was making a waterproof iPhone case and decided to use my phone to test it out. It didn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2014 04:34 - United States - Boston

Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML

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By danyelicindereli - 29/5/2009 03:41 - United States

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

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21167

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By greek_dancer - 13/7/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

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By - 5/12/2018 03:30 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today my wife came home and said "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened". She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her did not. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3 inch hole in the bumper. FML

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You deserved it

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By victoriassecret - 3/3/2010 09:24 - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to take my bra off during sex. My breasts had "deflated" somewhat due to weight loss and I was really self-conscious about them, but my boyfriend insisted I was hot no matter what. When the bra came off, the dick got soft. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 04:37 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML

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By me - 23/10/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

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By brandiboobarry - 29/11/2010 06:01

Today, I told my mom that I wanted professional head-shots done for Christmas. When asked why, I said "I want to submit them to a modeling agency." My mom exchanged looks with my sister before laughing so hard that she wet herself. FML

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By machina - 16/7/2019 04:01

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

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By crayons128 - 24/1/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

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By Single and wigless - 14/4/2019 04:00

Today, I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I like and my cat, out of nowhere, attacks my head and snatches my wig off. FML

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You deserved it

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By k - 16/2/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looks at me and asks "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

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By wtfuraretard - 19/2/2010 20:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

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By BrokeCollegeStudent - 30/6/2017 18:00

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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3541

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By RektForLyfe - 25/7/2016 03:32 - United States - Wickliffe

Today, I was accepted to the college of my dreams. Then I checked the address. Turns out, the letter was meant for my neighbor. I was actually denied. FML

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17439

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By why me?? - 7/8/2013 04:21 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

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22035

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By cashier - 12/7/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, I was trying to clean the belt of my register at work at a grocery store. I noticed two strips of rubber stuck in the corner of the belt, and after pulling on them periodically all morning one finally came loose. It was a foot. I had been pulling at a dead rat trapped in the belt. FML

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By mongoosemike - 7/6/2011 05:55

Today, I walked downstairs, made a bowl of hot cereal, and held a full conversation with my brother's girlfriend, before I finally put two and two together and realized I hadn't put any pants on. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 06:39 - Canada

Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was that he'd start running in front of everyone, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEDOM!" at the top of his lungs and that he'd kiss the first girl he saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 05:13 - United States - Boise

Today, my cat brought home a bloody, barely-living mouse. The thing managed to escape and dragged itself into a crack in the wall, where it must have died. The only way to get it out before it starts to stink up the place is by demolishing the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2013 14:22 - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 15:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

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By busrides - 24/12/2009 09:35 - United States

Today, I saw the girl I had confessed my love to two years ago on the bus. We chatted for a few minutes and she got off on the first stop, saying that this is where she had to get off. Twenty minutes later, I see her in the bus next to mine. The bus number was 20. Like mine. FML

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By Seamstressed - 9/2/2017 20:00 - Italy

It's called fashion, OK? Look it up.

Today, I was sewing a top. Due to a mistake, I had to unstitch the zipper and resew it. When I was almost done, I noticed that the zipper was upside down. FML

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By ;)loganberry(; - 27/12/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML

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12629

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2011 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

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By eww657 - 16/12/2009 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the first evening that my husband and I will have without the kids in 8 months. We had been looking forward to it for ages, and my husband had even bought me some lovely new lingerie for the occasion. Guess what? I just got diarrhea. FML

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By Laura - 11/3/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 00:01

BFF

Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. FML

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By Al Staten - 6/12/2016 22:03

Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML

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10314

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By anonymous - 31/1/2013 04:02 - Canada - Fergus

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary. I had cooked him a romantic meal and we were planning on eating it in front of the fire. This would have gone great had I not forgotten to unblock the chimney. My entire basement filled with smoke and didn't clear for three hours. FML

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By ITalkGood - 28/12/2010 00:37 - France

Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML

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27701

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By mista hunna - 8/9/2016 05:31 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML

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Top comments

By GabbyCharityM | 0

#3284416 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Well that's a shitty situation..
Someone had to say it.

By erazzle | 0

#3284414 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Good poo?

Comments

By erazzle | 0

#3284414 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Good poo?

stro88 | 6

#3284640 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:13

Damn and you didn't get an ass sore from that? Shit you must be used to being dirty.

EvilPotato | 14

#3284734 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:27

Or a fiesty poo that tired him out either one really.

NotAPedo | 0

#3284793 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:39

Must've been those boring ones since he fell asleep. You know, those dumps when you forgot your iPod or phone to entertain yourself

fatgirllovesfml | 0

#3284853 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:53

How could you sleep with all that smelly shit swimming under you -__-

hockey199813 | 5

#3285840 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:34

Ha?

angeljewlz | 7

#3286071 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:13

Must've taken a lot out of you lol

fakeaccountX | 6

#3286247 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:49

Musta been mighty uncomfortable in there without a pillow.

drdingus | 27

#4076824 - Thursday 23 February 2012 12:11

ouch

By GabbyCharityM | 0

#3284416 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Well that's a shitty situation..
Someone had to say it.

turkishjew | 0

#3284426 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:42

jondivey | 9

#3284578 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:59

No is right, and next time op tell the truth no one is gonna give you that much shit. Lol

EvilPotato | 14

#3284706 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:24

18 that was not necessary either.

NotAPedo | 0

#3284801 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:40

No, no one had to say that.

LouisianaBob | 9

#3285032 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:24

I'd just be honest about that. People won't think less of you if you're honest about embarrassing things.

13FTW | 9

#3285138 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:45

Well, that's a shitty situation..
(;

white16sox | 19

#3285810 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:28

39 are you an echo?

xXshadowrollerXx | 6

#3285876 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:41

53 - More than just an echo.. A flirtatious echo. I heard that's the worst kind.

Saltime | 0

#3286030 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:07

I swear, the next person that make a "shitty situation" pun, is in deep shit.

Pun fucking intended.

13FTW | 9

#3286481 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 4:42

Sadly, I meant it as a joke to people. I didn't literally mean it. It was said it was obnoxious so I obnoxiously stated it once more.

rallets | 22

#3286863 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:52

ive had enough of this shit

vegan_muffin | 4

#3289563 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 20:43

...I hear that's the worst kind ;) *bats eyelashes*

By Ima_monster_x3 | 12

#3284419 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Unluckaaay.

gigi03 | 5

#3285312 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:12

I know right

decidedlyvague | 11

#3287038 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 8:41

Every kiss begins with unluc kaaaay?

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3287156 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:50

Ends with ^?

By Quest_ | 13

#3284432 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:42

Wait, what?

Quest_ | 13

#3284534 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:54

Also may I add that I hope you enjoyed your fecal-encrusted anus after you woke up. Did it clog up like an uncapped tube of super glue?

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3285597 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:46

IDK why but I'm rofling so hard I can barely breath =|.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face ^_^

bdair | 1

#3287075 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:01

WTF ?!

By ollie179 | 21

#3284447 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:44

*strain* plop!

ZzzZzzzzzzzzZZzzZzzzz

Poopolicious | 5

#3286855 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:49

The force was so strong you got knocked out... Ehh

By dreamering | 16

#3284454 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:45

Were you able to walk after that?

By flockz | 19

#3284460 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:46

home:where i can poop for however long i want. thats the only thing that gets me through the day.

pinkpolarbear | 8

#3285693 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:02

Demotivational poster status!!

By alexiiiis09 | 0

#3284474 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:48

Shit sucks

By spicywatermelon | 0

#3284476 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:48

Lmao. Fav.

By HentaiBunny | 4

#3284482 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:49

What's so shameful about snoozing in your own feces? Brag about that shit, literally.