Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking...

By Brian B - 13/9/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12924

You deserved it

25328

Favorite

Work

Rock, hard place

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Insane parents

By anonymouschicka - 1/8/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, I finished doing a resume that I had spent three hours on. I e-mailed it to the business I was applying for, satisfied. I decided to look it over. The first thing I notice, I spelt my own name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11187

You deserved it

54236

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 07:48 - Australia

Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32919

You deserved it

3725

Favorite

By me - 15/7/2009 08:02 - United States

Today, at 3:00 am, I sat with my 3 year-old adopted daughter while she tried to go back to sleep. She had had a nightmare, and I read that "not leaving" was the most important thing a father could do. My wife woke and called me a pervert for sitting there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69207

You deserved it

3313

Favorite

By fingerfuckd - 29/4/2009 15:47 - Canada

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

166041

You deserved it

13608

Favorite

By LostSoul - 21/7/2019 12:10

Today, I arrived at the doctor's to schedule surgery to find out my insurance got canceled again. I only just got it reinstated after the last time they screwed up and canceled it. It took me 6 months to get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1738

You deserved it

Favorite

By nopenopenopenope - 23/9/2016 03:28 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I tried to have a relaxing soak in the tub. The giant wolf spider that was already in the tub didn't like me trying to set it free outside. It ran right across my feet and back into my house when I dumped it out of a cup outside. I screamed like a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10582

You deserved it

2430

Favorite

By Bali_Boil - 16/1/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house and her dad saw us. She decided that she didn't feel like riding along when it was time for her dad to drive me home and went to bed. I, on the other hand, got to have a 15 minute conversation about the merits of "physical boundaries." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27295

You deserved it

6693

Favorite

By toilet on the clock - 8/6/2016 10:40 - China - Guangzhou

Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13663

You deserved it

1249

Favorite

By shay786 - 5/5/2020 17:00

My eyes!

Today, I heard grunting and then realized it was my tenant with his boyfriend. When I went down to do my laundry, I caught them in the act. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1542

You deserved it

267

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 09:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my girlfriend noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sexually frustrated. Her response? "What are you telling me for?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32604

You deserved it

5679

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 18:11 - United States

Today, after months of hardcore training, free of injuries, I pinched a nerve in my neck while putting on a swimsuit to lie in the sun doing nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26818

You deserved it

2297

Favorite

By Username - 28/9/2010 16:16 - France

Today, my mum suggested that I should take self-defense lessons just in case I ever get attacked. Jokingly, I said, "As long as I walk under street lamps, no one is going to touch me." She replied, "Well, you never know, they might mistake you for someone good looking." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32260

You deserved it

4822

Favorite

By british_babe - 5/10/2013 17:51 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was reminded that while I have a nice waist, bum and boobs, I'm unspeakably ugly. I was walking down the street when a guy wolf-whistled from behind me, and when I turned around, he visibly recoiled in disgust. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51987

You deserved it

4292

Favorite

By Sapphirlinda - 3/7/2010 23:25 - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39680

You deserved it

3251

Favorite

By missunlucky - 18/2/2010 00:24 - Czech Republic

Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27857

You deserved it

9880

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 14:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33040

You deserved it

12718

Favorite

By kimmykins27 - 31/10/2014 12:58 - United States

Today, we told my fiancé's parents that I'm pregnant. His mom's response? "I'm going to throw up. You can't raise a child." We are both 28, self-sufficient and everyone else is thrilled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37012

You deserved it

3031

Favorite

By shart up, your puns suck - 1/6/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52232

You deserved it

5464

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/8/2013 10:49 - Australia - Redfern

Today, during an otherwise promising job interview, I was asked how much I thought was too much for a "good hit of blow". I must have stayed speechless for too long, because the guy's next words were, "Yeah, you're not cut out for this." I'm shocked and baffled too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43900

You deserved it

4276

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/8/2018 06:00

Is this the worst Netflix and chill ever?

Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3793

You deserved it

467

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/10/2018 15:30

Today, I learned that one should not sleep with their roommate's friends, especially the ones that never go home. I spent the whole weekend in my room just to avoid the awkwardness. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1509

You deserved it

3339

Favorite

By DyingOfShame - 24/8/2010 23:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend whilst on the train home from spending the weekend with him at his grandparents' house. It said, 'Gran says to tell you that the bin beside the toilet is actually for storing spare shampoos and toothbrushes, so could you not put your tampons in it next time?' FML

I agree, your life sucks

36987

You deserved it

8397

Favorite

By beno - 7/1/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife sent nudie pics to her ex-husband. My wife's excuse for the pics? "I needed a compliment because I thought you didn't love me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29262

You deserved it

6038

Favorite

By Oh - 22/3/2016 22:36 - United States - Winterville

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19891

You deserved it

2156

Favorite

By Gone With the Wind - 12/5/2014 03:29 - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53554

You deserved it

4852

Favorite

By motherdearest - 21/3/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76163

You deserved it

6940

Favorite

By nopissleft - 20/12/2013 21:05 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47864

You deserved it

2878

Favorite

By Imaginary girlfriend - 21/9/2009 04:16 - France

Today, I found out that my whole family thinks my girlfriend is imaginary. I sent her a text in front of them telling her that. She never responded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48624

You deserved it

5836

Favorite

By anonymous - 11/11/2010 14:27 - United States

Today, I found out the real reason why my brother wasn't at his fiancé's Halloween party. He's been in jail for the past 3 months. When was anyone going to tell me? FML

I agree, your life sucks

28388

You deserved it

3121

Favorite

By Aggie_De - 14/12/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got the DVD back from a dance concert I did. After watching it, I realised that I had a camel toe through the whole thing. Three and a half hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45667

You deserved it

7292

Favorite

By tailgaterhater - 17/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML

I agree, your life sucks

20939

You deserved it

47207

Favorite

By paddy - 14/7/2009 12:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a neon themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML

I agree, your life sucks

78374

You deserved it

16467

Favorite

By TheoBuckner - 21/1/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29815

You deserved it

2276

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/1/2016 07:04 - United States - Burbank

Today, I was driving a little over the speed limit, when I saw a cop car waiting to join the road ahead of me. I quickly hit the brakes so they wouldn't have a payday with me. I hit the brakes too hard, lost control and almost ended up on someone's lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10519

You deserved it

25025

Favorite

By Amazon Ruined My Life - 28/12/2018 14:00

Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1193

You deserved it

3283

Favorite

By TakenAdvantageOf - 15/9/2017 04:30

Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3316

You deserved it

565

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/5/2015 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, one of my idiot co-workers thought it'd be hilarious to "fix" my car while I was working. Now every time I step on the brake pedal, the horn goes off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31289

You deserved it

2629

Favorite

By KillMePlease - 11/3/2015 20:15 - United States - Hicksville

Today, I was given a new responsibility at the law firm where I work. I'm now in charge of punching holes in every single piece of paper to be found in the office, estimated to be in the hundred-thousands. The reason? I finish my daily clerical work too quickly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28242

You deserved it

2544

Favorite

By bye loser - 20/10/2014 09:28 - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

45508

You deserved it

3939

Favorite

By bitchonia - 28/3/2020 17:00 - Canada

Sign your name across my…?

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he'd think of me getting his initials tattooed over my heart. "That's awesome, babe," he answered enthusiastically. "But could you get them on your ass instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

692

You deserved it

1430

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By GabbyCharityM | 0

#3284416 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Well that's a shitty situation..
Someone had to say it.

By erazzle | 0

#3284414 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Good poo?

COMMENTS

By erazzle | 0

#3284414 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Good poo?

stro88 | 6

#3284640 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:13

Damn and you didn't get an ass sore from that? Shit you must be used to being dirty.

EvilPotato | 14

#3284734 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:27

Or a fiesty poo that tired him out either one really.

NotAPedo | 0

#3284793 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:39

Must've been those boring ones since he fell asleep. You know, those dumps when you forgot your iPod or phone to entertain yourself

fatgirllovesfml | 0

#3284853 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:53

How could you sleep with all that smelly shit swimming under you -__-

hockey199813 | 5

#3285840 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:34

Ha?

angeljewlz | 7

#3286071 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:13

Must've taken a lot out of you lol

fakeaccountX | 6

#3286247 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:49

Musta been mighty uncomfortable in there without a pillow.

drdingus | 27

#4076824 - Thursday 23 February 2012 12:11

ouch

By GabbyCharityM | 0

#3284416 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Well that's a shitty situation..
Someone had to say it.

turkishjew | 0

#3284426 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:42

jondivey | 9

#3284578 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:59

No is right, and next time op tell the truth no one is gonna give you that much shit. Lol

EvilPotato | 14

#3284706 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:24

18 that was not necessary either.

NotAPedo | 0

#3284801 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:40

No, no one had to say that.

LouisianaBob | 9

#3285032 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:24

I'd just be honest about that. People won't think less of you if you're honest about embarrassing things.

13FTW | 9

#3285138 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:45

Well, that's a shitty situation..
(;

white16sox | 19

#3285810 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:28

39 are you an echo?

xXshadowrollerXx | 6

#3285876 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:41

53 - More than just an echo.. A flirtatious echo. I heard that's the worst kind.

Saltime | 0

#3286030 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:07

I swear, the next person that make a "shitty situation" pun, is in deep shit.

Pun fucking intended.

13FTW | 9

#3286481 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 4:42

Sadly, I meant it as a joke to people. I didn't literally mean it. It was said it was obnoxious so I obnoxiously stated it once more.

rallets | 22

#3286863 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:52

ive had enough of this shit

vegan_muffin | 4

#3289563 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 20:43

...I hear that's the worst kind ;) *bats eyelashes*

By Ima_monster_x3 | 12

#3284419 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Unluckaaay.

gigi03 | 5

#3285312 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:12

I know right

decidedlyvague | 11

#3287038 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 8:41

Every kiss begins with unluc kaaaay?

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3287156 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:50

Ends with ^?

By Quest_ | 13

#3284432 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:42

Wait, what?

Quest_ | 13

#3284534 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:54

Also may I add that I hope you enjoyed your fecal-encrusted anus after you woke up. Did it clog up like an uncapped tube of super glue?

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3285597 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:46

IDK why but I'm rofling so hard I can barely breath =|.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face ^_^

bdair | 1

#3287075 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:01

WTF ?!

By ollie179 | 21

#3284447 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:44

*strain* plop!

ZzzZzzzzzzzzZZzzZzzzz

Poopolicious | 5

#3286855 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:49

The force was so strong you got knocked out... Ehh

By dreamering | 16

#3284454 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:45

Were you able to walk after that?

By flockz | 19

#3284460 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:46

home:where i can poop for however long i want. thats the only thing that gets me through the day.

pinkpolarbear | 8

#3285693 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:02

Demotivational poster status!!

By alexiiiis09 | 0

#3284474 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:48

Shit sucks

By spicywatermelon | 0

#3284476 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:48

Lmao. Fav.

By HentaiBunny | 4

#3284482 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:49

What's so shameful about snoozing in your own feces? Brag about that shit, literally.