Work: Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking...

By Brian B - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

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12935

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Work

Walk on the wild side

"Life is unfair…"

Compassionate

By notyouraverageteenager - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive dress because it was me and my boyfriend's one year anniversary, and he was taking me somewhere nice. When he saw me in the dress, he looked at me, laughed and said, "Seriously, what are you wearing?" FML

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34221

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7297

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By Brit - Reserved

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42232

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6837

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By "breemonster"

Today, I got an email notification. I opened up my email, and found m4m craigslist add responses. My boyfriend used my phone to login to his email yesterday. FML

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2341

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223

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By spit saliva spit

Today, I drooled on myself during a job interview and was immediately dismissed. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. FML

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1342

You deserved it

521

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By Anonymous - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32914

You deserved it

4178

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By Stevejobs

Today, after realizing I had 130 unused vacation hours, I requested two weeks off. My vacation time was denied, but my boss still gave me the time off. So I don't have work for 2 weeks, all unpaid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3010

You deserved it

188

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By ddll - Singapore

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She responded by sitting on the floor, crying like a baby and screaming "WHY?" at strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32211

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12290

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By the_dog_sitter - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71508

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24490

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By ant_hater - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23554

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2508

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By unwanted - United States

Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

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33954

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3673

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Right in the miniature tree

Today, my parents got mad at me because I laughed when they called the bullseye "bonsai" while watching darts. They've always thought it was bonsai. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5488

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464

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By Anonymous - United States - Eagle River

Today, four days after moving into my new house, I woke up to a guy yelling "Fuck you, Claire" followed by a brick smashing through my living room window. Now I know why Claire was so eager to finalize the sale. FML

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27217

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1557

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By franzbiel - Switzerland

Randy Daddy

Today, my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. My parents are still together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26824

You deserved it

2527

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By Anonymous

Crossed Wires

Today, while on Grindr, I saw that this guy I'm friends with and have liked for a while now had messaged me. I got all excited, just for it to be a picture of him flipping me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1362

You deserved it

192

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By Anonymous

Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50669

You deserved it

3495

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By Anonymous - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51872

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8319

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By ladylol - United Kingdom - Towcester

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather play the new Assassin's Creed game or have a night of sex with me. He started crying from indecision. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40043

You deserved it

12449

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my dog took a dump beside the air intake for our furnace. The house now smells like dog crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25892

You deserved it

4039

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By Ferniferousfern

Today, I went to the dentist for a tooth extraction. Not only were they not able to extract all of it, but after 7 injections, I was still screaming. The best part? Their referral to someone else fell through, so I head back tomorrow to finish the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3825

You deserved it

310

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By Anonymous

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1787

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174

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML

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42272

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2802

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By Anonymous - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

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19398

You deserved it

7607

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Is that a pass then?

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

842

You deserved it

333

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By Username - United States

Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M and M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML

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46778

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15290

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By heather - Canada

Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML

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40605

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

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47035

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3870

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By Pisspants - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

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10068

You deserved it

2789

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By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72461

You deserved it

4047

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By Bob - United States - Fairbanks

Today, a judge gave my ex custody of my two sons, most of my money, my house, my car, and has ordered me to take anger management classes. We're getting a divorce because she shot me with a gun. FML

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7327

You deserved it

641

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By FuckSteakNShake

Today, I was fired, all because I asked my manager for help on the line when we were short staffed and he was on his butt in the office. He said it wasn't his job to help us. Apparently, asking your manager for help when you're busy gets you fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2852

You deserved it

217

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By RiceCrispyTreats - United States - Pelham

Today, I left my phone outside on the grass while I went inside to get a drink. I didn't expect my dad to run over it with the lawn mower. FML

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13823

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2021 04:58

Scratch that itch

Today, I bought a $50 Nintendo eShop card to redeem on my Nintendo Switch. As I was scratching the grey area, I scratched too hard, making it hard to see what it was. I tried randomly guessing and asking for help. Neither helped. Guess who didn't get $50 back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

400

You deserved it

737

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By fuck you with a bacon cock - United Kingdom - Forres

Today, I got up early in the morning to get a snack, only to walk in on my "vegan" housemate eating a turkey sandwich. This bastard harasses me every other day about my meat-eating, but all he could do after he noticed me was drop the sandwich and claim he'd been sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43177

You deserved it

3476

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By Sigh - Australia

Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade, and Mum got sick of him and pelted a Brazil nut at his head. Dad then lost his shit, and told Mum to go to her room and pray. I now remember why I moved out of home in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38592

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3486

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 23:02

Delayed proposal

Today, my girlfriend found the engagement ring I bought and assumed it was a late birthday present. She’s now wearing it on her right hand like a signet ring and she somehow hasn’t figured out it’s a diamond and not a Swarovski. I'm now waiting for her to figure it out before I pop the question. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1609

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358

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By FML - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22090

You deserved it

36187

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By fatcheeks - United States

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I went to see my boyfriend for comfort because I was in so much pain. The first thing he asked me when I saw him with huge cheeks? When would be the next time I could give him a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24284

You deserved it

4151

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was selected to give my speech to the entire school. I was later told it had to be censored because it was inappropriate, even though I was just trying to make a point. My speech was on political correctness. My speech on political correctness was censored for political reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49910

You deserved it

5080

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By KenzoBVB - Canada

Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25033

You deserved it

1757

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By Anonymous - United States - Bolingbrook

Today, I was mopping the floor at the hotel I work at. Before I could react, a gentleman stormed through the corridor and slipped and fell on the still wet floor. He complained to the owner, who bitched me out just to satisfy the guy. FML

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37865

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Top comments

By GabbyCharityM | 0

#3284416 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Well that's a shitty situation..
Someone had to say it.

By erazzle | 0

#3284414 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Good poo?

COMMENTS

By erazzle | 0

#3284414 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Good poo?

stro88 | 6

#3284640 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:13

Damn and you didn't get an ass sore from that? Shit you must be used to being dirty.

EvilPotato | 14

#3284734 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:27

Or a fiesty poo that tired him out either one really.

NotAPedo | 0

#3284793 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:39

Must've been those boring ones since he fell asleep. You know, those dumps when you forgot your iPod or phone to entertain yourself

fatgirllovesfml | 0

#3284853 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:53

How could you sleep with all that smelly shit swimming under you -__-

hockey199813 | 5

#3285840 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:34

Ha?

angeljewlz | 7

#3286071 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:13

Must've taken a lot out of you lol

fakeaccountX | 6

#3286247 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:49

Musta been mighty uncomfortable in there without a pillow.

drdingus | 27

#4076824 - Thursday 23 February 2012 12:11

ouch

By GabbyCharityM | 0

#3284416 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Well that's a shitty situation..
Someone had to say it.

turkishjew | 0

#3284426 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:42

jondivey | 9

#3284578 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:59

No is right, and next time op tell the truth no one is gonna give you that much shit. Lol

EvilPotato | 14

#3284706 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:24

18 that was not necessary either.

NotAPedo | 0

#3284801 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:40

No, no one had to say that.

LouisianaBob | 9

#3285032 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:24

I'd just be honest about that. People won't think less of you if you're honest about embarrassing things.

13FTW | 9

#3285138 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 0:45

Well, that's a shitty situation..
(;

white16sox | 19

#3285810 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:28

39 are you an echo?

xXshadowrollerXx | 6

#3285876 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:41

53 - More than just an echo.. A flirtatious echo. I heard that's the worst kind.

Saltime | 0

#3286030 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:07

I swear, the next person that make a "shitty situation" pun, is in deep shit.

Pun fucking intended.

13FTW | 9

#3286481 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 4:42

Sadly, I meant it as a joke to people. I didn't literally mean it. It was said it was obnoxious so I obnoxiously stated it once more.

rallets | 22

#3286863 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:52

ive had enough of this shit

vegan_muffin | 4

#3289563 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 20:43

...I hear that's the worst kind ;) *bats eyelashes*

By Ima_monster_x3 | 12

#3284419 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:41

Unluckaaay.

gigi03 | 5

#3285312 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:12

I know right

decidedlyvague | 11

#3287038 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 8:41

Every kiss begins with unluc kaaaay?

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3287156 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:50

Ends with ^?

By Quest_ | 13

#3284432 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:42

Wait, what?

Quest_ | 13

#3284534 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:54

Also may I add that I hope you enjoyed your fecal-encrusted anus after you woke up. Did it clog up like an uncapped tube of super glue?

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3285597 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 1:46

IDK why but I'm rofling so hard I can barely breath =|.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face ^_^

bdair | 1

#3287075 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 9:01

WTF ?!

By ollie179 | 21

#3284447 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:44

*strain* plop!

ZzzZzzzzzzzzZZzzZzzzz

Poopolicious | 5

#3286855 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:49

The force was so strong you got knocked out... Ehh

By dreamering | 16

#3284454 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:45

Were you able to walk after that?

By flockz | 19

#3284460 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:46

home:where i can poop for however long i want. thats the only thing that gets me through the day.

pinkpolarbear | 8

#3285693 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 2:02

Demotivational poster status!!

By alexiiiis09 | 0

#3284474 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:48

Shit sucks

By spicywatermelon | 0

#3284476 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:48

Lmao. Fav.

By HentaiBunny | 4

#3284482 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:49

What's so shameful about snoozing in your own feces? Brag about that shit, literally.