The Top

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Sounds like a swell guy

By Crying - 01/03/2022 02:00

Today, I ate a slice of pizza that was left in the oven. Turns out it was my husband’s and he threw a tantrum over it. I profusely apologized and his response was, “Sorry is the cheating I’m gonna do if you keep this childish shit up!” He says stuff like that because he knows I can’t afford to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 265

Second opinion

By AngryAspy - 21/05/2023 04:00 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I asked if my psychiatrist would test me for autism, as I believe I may have it. His response? "You probably don't. Stay off social media once in a while." Well fuck me for wanting a professional opinion I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 511

You deserved it 731

Bad Brains

By Anonymous - 25/05/2023 03:00

Today, I'm apparently on a "thinking ban." My wife and kids have banned me from starting any sentence with, “I think“ because it always leads to some sort of disaster, or accident, or expensive mistake, etc. So I'm no longer allowed to think because me thinking is dangerous for everybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 310

You deserved it 866

Drunken antics

By Anonymous - 21/12/2020 14:01

Today, I found out that last night, when I drank a bit too much and blacked out, I freaked out about "losing my tampon in my vagina" and made my boyfriend fish through to look for it. I had already taken it out before then, and was too drunk to realize. He told me he almost called 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 352

You deserved it 1 147

Romcom vibes

By Depresso-espresso - 08/11/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I visited the best cafe for the fourth time in a week. I’ve tried not to flirt with the same (hot) barista, I even mentioned my partner, but we chat and joke every time, and get on well. After I said bye and left, I heard a hasty, “Love you, bye.” It's maybe a joke, but he’s a total catch, and I don't know if I can go back there now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107

You deserved it 510

Beggars can't be choosers

By I'm grown, damnit! - 21/06/2023 18:00

Today, my mom won't let me have the extra hotel room she booked all to myself, even though it's just me, her, and my sister. Basically I can share a room with her or with my sister, but I can't be alone. I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 604

You deserved it 469

Bad hair day

By Kyrstin Budd - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 312

You deserved it 625

I want what I want

By cydia123 - 10/05/2019 06:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 421

You deserved it 118

Donor

By Anonymous - 03/07/2023 03:00

Today, a few weeks after my ex dumped me and I'd just started to get over it, she asked me to get her pregnant. We had sex once within the year we were dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 178

Tech expert anyone?

By I am puzzled - 13/07/2023 04:00 - Ukraine - Vinnytsia

Today, my laptop has its own likes and dislikes. The cooler keeps spinning crazily, causing loud annoying noise when I use the laptop at my parent's house, and functions perfectly silent at my place. Careful inspection proved full working order. What's going on? FML

I agree, your life sucks 515

You deserved it 126

It doesn't

By Anonymous - 10/04/2022 14:00

Today, my girlfriend and I have literally had our genitals in each other’s mouths and tongues in each other’s ass cracks, yet when I used her toothbrush, I’m gross and nasty, and deserve a sex ban for two weeks. How does this make sense? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 230

You deserved it 1 020

By Anonymous - 02/06/2019 02:00

Today, I met my father, who I hadn't seen since I was a baby, at Subway. He made me pay for his meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 182

You deserved it 290

Do as I say…

By Anonymous - 12/02/2021 00:30 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, I was admonished by a supermarket cashier because my mask had slipped below my nose. So had hers, actually. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 388

Hate crime

By Anonymous - 09/05/2022 04:00

Today, I was planning to propose to my girlfriend. I got out the ring and… she did the same. Coincidentally, she'd planned to propose to me, so we'd both got rings. Too bad our perfect moment was ruined by the bigot who called us “lezzers” and poured a pitcher of beer over both our heads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 453

You deserved it 302

By mala_19 - 12/06/2017 14:00 - Sweden

Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 172

You deserved it 262

By cherknobil - 07/07/2019 00:00

Today, I went to my favorite burger joint. Upon taking the first bite of my burger, I dislocated my jaw. The employees had to call 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 203

Hope there's no dancing involved

By InjuredTriviaNerd - 09/03/2021 09:00 - Australia - Kellyville

Today, I fell on a crack in the pavement and broke my ankle. Next week, I'm supposed to fly interstate to be on a quiz show I've spent two years in the audition process for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 981

You deserved it 127

Don't be an asshole

By Anonymous - 11/03/2021 00:30

Today, the only person I know that ever traveled with me told me he doesn't enjoy the experience and thinks I'm an asshole, so I don't have a travel buddy any more. Every affordable trip requires two people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 379

You deserved it 1 144

Egg mode

By Anonymous - 08/05/2022 02:00

Today, my wife got turned on by the muscular girl from the movie Encanto and asked me if I'd be willing to dress as her the next time we have sex. I love my wife and I enjoy sex as much as anyone, but she must have lost her mind if she thinks I'll wear a skirt so she can pretend I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568

You deserved it 616

Slacker

By Anonymous - 04/09/2023 10:00 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend has a freezer full of his favorite dish, which I cooked for him, yet he is subsisting on chocolate and those pathetic ready-made sandwiches from the supermarket. Why? Thawing and heating up a meal is too much trouble when I’m not there to do it for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 207

By Anonymous - 29/07/2019 15:00 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 272

You deserved it 136

Doggone right!

By Emilia - 16/09/2023 14:00

Today, my boyfriend went out and bought a pistol. When I asked him in horror why he did such a thing, he said, "It's my God-given right as a US citizen!" We're not even American, we immigrated from the UK, and we were both atheists, or so I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 417

Never go public

By Anonymous - 07/04/2021 20:00

Today, I learned to keep your posts private on social media. Your boss might find your Facebook status updates saying, “I hate this shitty 9-5, I want to be on a beach with a margarita.” I got a call from him saying, “You’re terminated from the shitty 9-5, so you don’t have to anymore. Enjoy the beach!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 410

You deserved it 2 748

By Anonymous - 16/08/2019 12:00

Today, my grandmother loudly announced that she has a yeast infection. Under her breast. She attempted to show me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 696

You deserved it 140

Dickwad move

By solo it is - 30/09/2023 19:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m 8 months pregnant. The father says the he won’t come to any more appointments, the baby shower, or even the birth unless his new girlfriend is allowed to be in the room when I deliver. I said absolutely not, so he told me to never call him again, and blocked me. They’ve been together for 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 267

Childlike

By Anonymous - 18/04/2021 23:01 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, during an argument between me and my boyfriend, he called for his mom. She came up and told us both off and told us to stop screaming, as if we were kids. We are both well over 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 412

You deserved it 1 237

Close shave

By Anonymous - 28/08/2019 02:00 - United States - Bisbee

Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 456

Grief hits us all differently

By Nasty - 12/10/2023 15:00 - United States

Today, I just realized the last time I showered was while my grandma was still alive. My grandma died four months ago. Depression really does a number on you without you noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 326

Anti-stink measures

By Sardine man - 12/04/2025 21:00 - United States - New York

Today, my coworkers surprised me with a bunch of gift cards to Panera, Chick-fil-A, Chipotle, and other nearby fast food places, as well as an "Easy Work Lunches" cookbook. When I reacted with shock, they said, "We're all so sick of you eating cans of sardines in the break room everyday. Please eat anything else." FML

I agree, your life sucks 104

You deserved it 762

Sticking together

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 02:01

Today, I was disowned in my family because of the pandemic, after I refused to quit my job and live at my parents house, with them supporting my family, so now no one in my family has acknowledged my existence since August 2020. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 222

You deserved it 102

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The Top

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink as an urinal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 837

You deserved it 330

Today, at the beach, my son was screaming and crying because the sand was burning his feet. I told him to put on his sandals. He got mad and threw them in the ocean, then started crying harder when he realized they were gone. He's now hiding under the bed in the condo and is refusing to come out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 214

Today, my mom told me to follow her car closely to my aunt's house. I kept really close to her which caused me to get pulled over for tailgating. I explained everything to the cop so he went over to my mom to see if that was the truth. My mom said she didn't know me. I got a ticket. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 534

You deserved it 5 640

Today, I went to the Asian Grocery. I politely smiled, bellowed, “Hello!” and kind of waved to the cashier as I walked in, to which he gave me a blank, scared-for-his-life kinda look. Turns out he was actually just another customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 442

Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. His sister and I filled the air vents in his car with confetti so when he starts the car, it would blow all over him. In the process we lost the keys. The keys cost $200 to replace. Happy Birthday! FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 962

You deserved it 38 743

Today, I greeted my boss with, "Looking good, did you lose weight?" He responded that no, he'd just purchased larger pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 169

You deserved it 4 006