Money: Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy,... - FML

By Anonymous - 30/08/2013 21:05 - United States - Utica

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 595

You deserved it 3 443

Best teeth in the game

Another great day to be alive

Empathy lives

By fmlgirl - 09/05/2014 18:44 - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 930

You deserved it 3 882

By fububc - 05/02/2010 15:14 - France

Today, I went out for a smoke before dinner. I glanced through the window only to see my husband take my cooking scissors, cut his toe nails and then put them back in the utensils canister without washing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 758

You deserved it 6 403

Barf

By rawr_ily96 - 24/05/2020 08:00 - United States

Today, I was struck at home with a stomach virus. My dad, being an occasional insensitive smart-ass, decided to cook some bacon, sit right in front of the couch I was lying on, and eat the bacon. Last time I tried to eat bacon with a stomach virus... Not pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 253

You deserved it 194

By continuouslyaddingdebt - 14/01/2017 22:00

Today, in an attempt to keep my valuables safe, I snatched my PlayStation 4 controller from the hands of my 4-year-old nephew. Not knowing that it was connected, I ultimately yanked the PlayStation and the HD Flatscreen flat on their faces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 065

You deserved it 7 753

By Anonymous - 16/09/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 858

You deserved it 39 941

Olympic kerfuffle

By Stace - 29/07/2021 16:01 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my dad went on a rant about the US Olympics gymnastics team, claiming that it was a disgrace that someone dropped out, and that it was disrespecting "our flag". He's never watched the Olympic games ever, not to mention any gymnastics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 107

By lojo - 17/06/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I was flying home to Milwaukee after a weekend in South Carolina. When I got to the airport, my reservation didn't match up with any flights. Turns out Expedia booked me on a flight that doen't exist. I spent ten hours waiting in the airport for a two hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 414

You deserved it 3 127

By IVOaf - 26/02/2014 20:55 - United States

Today, as I tried to get out of bed, I got my foot tangled in my sheets. I reached out to my dresser to avoid falling flat on my face. I didn't fall, but I did manage to smash my fingers in the drawer while still trapped in the sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 505

You deserved it 4 845

By tgpgs - 19/01/2011 14:55

Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 080

You deserved it 3 961

By samgonzalessb - 14/12/2009 17:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 280

You deserved it 3 815

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 06:21 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 546

You deserved it 5 618

Block-cocked

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 19:31 - India - Bangalore

Today, I finally met a guy I was interested in, after being a single 21 year-old virgin, but my brother decided to be overprotective and drag me away. Like, literally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 870

You deserved it 81

By Whoops - 06/06/2011 01:44 - United States

Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her the different kinds of birds. I pointed out a bright red cardinal perched in a row of hedges. She squealed as it took flight, so happy to see such a brightly colored birdie fly. Until it hit my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 640

You deserved it 4 515

By Diachronic - 12/09/2014 08:05 - United States - Lewiston

Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 190

You deserved it 3 069

Shady dealings

By CaptBlood - 04/05/2021 14:01

Today, my wife says she's not hiding money from me but I checked our joint bank account, which I no longer use, and find she's been transferring money in-and-out of 3 accounts, while taking money from me and getting payday loans to cover it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 89

By GingerJ - 02/01/2012 01:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 955

You deserved it 8 340

By Dmessmer1 - 05/06/2016 08:37 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I gave my dad $40 and asked him if he can get me lunch on his way back home. Long story short he came back empty handed telling me it was my fault for trusting him with McNuggets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 046

You deserved it 1 708

By Seriously? - 09/03/2014 06:08 - United States - Mill Valley

Today, a teenage girl bumped into me and my phone fell out of my hands, and over the Golden Gate Bridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 636

You deserved it 6 151

By fire0fisis - 03/02/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 039

You deserved it 2 174

By shia - 11/03/2011 00:51

Today, I got a super short pixie cut. All my boyfriend could do was stare at me, speechless. I thought he was taken aback by how cute it was until he told me that I look exactly like my fifteen year old brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 580

You deserved it 21 821

By Anonymous - 25/01/2016 01:24 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was leaving the house to go on a date. My dad stopped me at the door and said confidently, "Tear that pussy up, son." I'm gay and my dad knows that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 863

You deserved it 5 008

By Uglyshirts - 09/04/2009 08:44 - South Africa

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office-all of them guys were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 721

You deserved it 18 023

By beforegirl - 08/11/2010 21:11 - Australia

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 473

You deserved it 8 957

By Anonymous - 10/09/2013 17:44 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I realized that it's become a regular occurrence for my mother and me to talk about our pubic hair. I don't know which is worse: the fact that I know she shaves it, or the fact that we even talk about this stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 097

You deserved it 13 861

By budbunny13 - 30/06/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 659

You deserved it 63 890

By Anonymous - 09/01/2014 17:59 - United States - Imperial

Spicy

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 946

You deserved it 7 741

By CollegeBoy - 13/04/2011 13:07 - Canada

Today, my high school guidance counselor tried to convince me NOT to go to college, mainly because it's been so long since someone from my high school went to college, that she got rid of all the college information she used to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 514

You deserved it 3 645

By Oops - 14/01/2010 15:55 - United States

Today, while at work at a maternity and baby clothes store, I was supposed to send out an email about our "Beat the Clock" sale. After it was sent to over 500 people, I realized that I'd misspelled the subject line. It read, "Beat the Cock Sale." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 752

You deserved it 33 007

By Misty3242 - 06/02/2010 08:15 - United States

Today, my little sister asked me what she would look like when she got older. I told her that she would probably look a lot like me. She started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 535

You deserved it 4 113

By GotMyBitchBack - 05/09/2013 11:02 - United States - Zanesville

Today, I got home from work and found my dog missing. When I asked my neighbor if she saw what happened, I saw my dog sleeping on her couch. She tried to say it was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 412

You deserved it 3 033

By bubblegummm13 - 27/09/2009 04:30 - Canada

Today, I got an email from my University informing me that I was invited to an exclusive dinner for 25 people. As I continued to read through the email, I discovered that I wasn't lucky or special, but that the dinner was for financially unstable students. They think I'm a charity case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 665

You deserved it 4 460

By tired - 16/01/2013 19:02 - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 518

You deserved it 3 780

Booming economy!

By ThatGuy24 - 26/09/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, it's my birthday and it would be a great day if me and my wife weren’t literally too poor to celebrate it. To make it even better, she won’t have birthday sex with me, because we live with her mom and she’s afraid of her hearing us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 799

You deserved it 378

By AnonCat - 21/01/2013 01:47 - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 964

You deserved it 3 650

The grudge

By Anonymous - 06/05/2020 20:00

Today, I was told by a former coworker that my former boss still talks about me being lazy, ever since the time I refused to do a few things on third shift when there was me and 2 other people working. I haven't worked there in 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 329

You deserved it 204

By Anon - 18/08/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 079

You deserved it 3 032

By cnkk07 - 14/10/2011 10:36 - United States

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 516

You deserved it 2 505

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, I got an angry text, asking me why I wasn't at the staff dinner. I've been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I wasn't told about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 92

By tftm - 05/01/2013 05:37 - United States - Elmhurst

Spicy

Today, my uncle keeps spamming me on Facebook with friend suggestions. Most of them are people he met on porn sites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 287

You deserved it 2 117

Someone's getting coal from Santa...

By Anonymous - 15/12/2017 15:00

Today, my nephew stabbed me in the knee with a colouring pencil. The hospital says he ripped a hole in a tendon and I need surgery to fix it or one day it'll snap. I’ll have a limp for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 866

You deserved it 268

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Top comments

Schizomaniac 24

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:12

No funny/clever comment this time. This is just fucked up. Your wife needs help.

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:10

Come on, OP. Let your wife follow her cheesy dreams. There must be lots of cheese lovers who love cheese so much that they would date it and fuck it.

Comments

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:10

Come on, OP. Let your wife follow her cheesy dreams. There must be lots of cheese lovers who love cheese so much that they would date it and fuck it.

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:19

OP's wife is a genius

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:22

What's so genius about making a cheese whiz dildo?

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:39

Everything.

jessBeAqueen 13

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Saturday 31 August 2013 15:52

#1 this would be a dream come true for me. my two favorite things combined. no way this could go wrong

hghrider123456 9

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Saturday 31 August 2013 19:25

this shall cause the fry meme to become a lot more popular

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Sunday 1 September 2013 0:01

#14, the most genius part is that it's going to be edible...

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Sunday 1 September 2013 7:19

Last time i checked, you don't date a dildo.

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Monday 2 September 2013 8:24

But it's so cold-hearted to just fuck it and leave it. You should at least take it dancing before.

Schizomaniac 24

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:12

No funny/clever comment this time. This is just fucked up. Your wife needs help.

K410 18

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Saturday 31 August 2013 7:05

Ya talk about blowing away his money...

i_wuz_nver_here 31

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:13

How exactly does one combine sprayable cheese product and plastic dicks?

ptoka 20

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:17

I don't want to know...

helen_ellexo 22

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:29

When you cum Cheez Wiz shoot out the other end and into your mouth? ... A little too graphic?

clemsi 20

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:36

Not graphic enough 18...what do you do if you have a miss fire and end up with Cheese Whiz in your eye?

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Saturday 31 August 2013 6:17

Think South Park's rendition of Shake Weights, only a dildo and Cheez Whiz instead.

DKjazz 20

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Saturday 31 August 2013 15:43

Is Cheez Whiz good on fish?

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Saturday 31 August 2013 16:01

That's the magic of it, #3. That's why she has this potentially million dollar idea and you are left wondering how this idea would work ;-)

helen_ellexo 22

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Saturday 31 August 2013 16:41

#20 I can think of worse things that can get in your eye...

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:14

Some of us dream of being doctors, others shoot to becoming a famous actor, and I guess a very small group want to design Cheez Whiz dildos.

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Monday 26 January 2015 7:05

Or Whizdos for short

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:15

What's Cheez Whiz? Is that just a cheese flavored dildo? Sounds kinky.

ydi_4_suking 20

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:17

Sounds kinda gross

CharresBarkrey 15

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:37

It's spray-able cheese in a can.

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:15

I was going to make some cheesy joke but...

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Saturday 31 August 2013 8:54

You have our parmesan.

WompWompWomp123 7

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Saturday 31 August 2013 13:47

It better be a gouda one.

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Saturday 31 August 2013 14:46

I'm feta up with all these cheese puns. I think we cheddar stop

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Sunday 1 September 2013 5:31

Lets Brie this nonsense to an end

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:16

She should expand the food product line to other condiments like whipped cream, chocolate syrup, caramel, ketchup. She could have it automatically dispense baby oil and spermicide too.

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:36

Not sure the spermicide and cheese would taste that great together.

shanannygians07 28

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Saturday 31 August 2013 7:28

I dont think spermicide could ever taste could no matter the flavors involved

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Saturday 31 August 2013 10:38

I'm confused. If the spermicide works, you don't need the baby oil, do you?

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Thursday 1 September 2016 19:49

why would she need spermicide for a dildo?

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:17

I hear there's a great market for those currently, now is it the version that sprays the cheez wiz or simply tastes like it?

Squirrel1256 15

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:18

She could be on to something, OP, but just in case, maybe you should hide some of your money from her.

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:21

Cheez whiz? She really couldn't come up with a better flavor to start with?

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 7

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 245

You deserved it 59

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 79