Dad jokes, part 43884

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 73

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 1 144

Dad jokes, part 43884

By Anonymous - 09/05/2020 14:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 700

You deserved it 268

Best teeth in the game

You tried

Mr. Robot

02/02/2011 21:07

Today, I drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis. While sitting in the waiting room, I got puked on by a child. My friend's diagnosis? Gas. So he also farted all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 998

You deserved it 3 108

01/11/2015 15:12

Today, we had a great night out with my girlfriend and even won a costume contest together. I guess I wasn't the only one who had a great night, because when I got home I found that someone had robbed my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 226

You deserved it 1 312

01/09/2010 11:10

Today, I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn't kidding. She accomplished her mission in my bed after school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 608

You deserved it 4 594

22/02/2017 12:00

Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 459

You deserved it 393

21/10/2009 08:27

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 171

You deserved it 6 657

02/01/2014 17:07

Today, my dad is going through a midlife crisis. He now wants to be less like a dad and more like a "best friend" to me. This mainly involves him constantly texting me, sending me stuff on Snapchat, and saying stuff like "wicked cool", "bazinga", and "swag" every chance he gets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 153

You deserved it 4 766

13/02/2011 02:21

Today, the snowblower found my lost phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 748

You deserved it 4 967

02/04/2010 11:33

Today, I was in the shops and the lights all of a sudden went out. I got really scared for no reason because it was pitch black and grabbed onto my mum's hand. When the light's got turned on I was holding on to a random guy's hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 263

You deserved it 9 563

23/10/2012 16:01

Today, after years of being terrified of those biscuit cans that pop when you unwrap them, I finally decided I'd open one myself. I'm sitting in the hospital with a sliced hand from the lid and can feel therapy in my future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 704

You deserved it 4 418

True hero

By MentalHealthWorker - 17/09/2020 02:05

Today, I once again had to clean up a shower and bathroom covered in feces, because of client with incontinence. It smelt so bad that I couldn’t hide my reaction; the client saw my face and I could see the embarrassment on theirs. I spent the rest of the day feeling like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 200

01/12/2017 18:30

Today, I found out that my mom uses my Facebook account more than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 471

You deserved it 557

27/01/2016 22:35

Today, I took a swig of my Dr Pepper while having a meeting with my manager. As soon as I was about to swallow, I began coughing, and spat a whole mouthful all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 260

You deserved it 3 581

23/10/2009 04:22

Today, I was walking down the street in downtown Charleston where there are a lot of horse-drawn carriage tours and I decided to pick up some litter. Some of it was in a puddle of water, but after I picked up the trash, I realized the puddle was horse urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 148

You deserved it 9 336

01/04/2016 01:54

Today, my best friend finally broke up with her knob of a boyfriend. This would be great except now my boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because she's finally single. She introduced us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 402

You deserved it 1 457

20/06/2019 12:41

Today, just a day prior to my vacation starting, I learned that my five-day "seasonal fever" is actually due to a blood infection from a bacteria. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 683

You deserved it 101

02/01/2011 05:17

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 246

You deserved it 8 066

29/08/2015 05:09

Today, I had to explain to my dad how I rear-ended the car in front of me because of a particularly intense banjo solo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 585

You deserved it 19 788

26/01/2009 22:19

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 200

You deserved it 2 329

03/08/2010 18:13

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 462

You deserved it 4 040

21/01/2009 11:22

Today, I am down to 3 euros. My mother just stole the last two euros from me. I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. My mother can have safe sex. I can't buy lunch tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 869

You deserved it 2 151

25/01/2012 17:21

Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 296

You deserved it 6 430

12/04/2016 12:29

Today, my friend invited me to his boxing club for the first time. Since I'm somewhat short and scrawny-looking, he was worried that the workout would be too difficult for me. I waved him off and told him that I was tougher than I looked. Five minutes into class, I sprained my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 867

You deserved it 4 892

03/03/2010 19:11

Today, I'm a 15 year old boy who is bald. Why am I bald? My little brother thought it would be funny to put glue in my hair gel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 689

You deserved it 4 836

01/09/2016 22:28

Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 858

You deserved it 1 655

Communication breakdown

By xX_nsn_Xx - 03/02/2012 14:47

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 473

You deserved it 9 990

09/08/2009 14:33

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 872

You deserved it 45 773

19/11/2014 17:03

Today, I was on a date, and I went to put my arm around her, trying to be romantic, but my coordination went straight to hell. Instead of her shoulder, I ended up accidentally grabbing her tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 034

You deserved it 8 319

27/01/2010 18:09

Today, the speakers on my laptop weren't working. I worried I'd broken something, and started freaking out. I restarted my computer numerous times and played with the settings for an hour before calling my sister in to help. She looked at it for two seconds, then unplugged my headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 087

You deserved it 41 194

12/06/2019 00:07

Today, I found out that when my uncle died, he left me and the rest of my family £2000 each. Only my parents kept and spent my share on themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 302

You deserved it 109

22/10/2011 06:10

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 580

You deserved it 53 519

Blue Christmas

By Anonymous - 07/12/2020 19:01

Today, I legally separated from my wife, after many months of her refusing to do any form of self-care. She doesn't wash, exercise, eat full meals other than fast food and she doesn't make any effort to be involved in me or who I am as a person. Christmas is going to be awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 146

15/08/2012 16:46

Today, it finally clicked in my mind how desperately lonely I am, when I shaved one of my legs just to find out what a woman's leg feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 000

You deserved it 8 879

23/05/2012 06:26

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after my check cleared for my half of the $1000 deposit on our new apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 179

You deserved it 2 354

12/03/2012 14:55

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 950

You deserved it 38 559

28/04/2013 23:40

Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 192

You deserved it 38 822

29/09/2009 02:07

Today, I realized that my bike was stolen. It was no big deal, my name and number was on it, but it was a crappy bike anyway. I live 3 miles away, and while I was on my walk home I noticed a bike had been thrown through my principal's window. Who's bike was it? Mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 245

You deserved it 2 335

21/10/2009 03:42

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 325

You deserved it 3 786

13/10/2016 10:57

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated. We were having a lot of fun until I decided I wanted to be on top. He instantly got soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 338

You deserved it 1 382

21/02/2009 22:24

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 691

You deserved it 7 631

The luck of the draw

By bl3ur0z3 - 30/09/2019 00:01

Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 396

You deserved it 344

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Top comments

mskeptik 10

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Sunday 10 May 2020 3:56

Having a girlfriend whose father has a sense of humor - priceless. For everything else there is MasterCard.

Aiden89 23

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Saturday 9 May 2020 15:47

Run, dude.

Comments

Aiden89 23

Send a private message

Saturday 9 May 2020 15:47

Run, dude.

bloopaloop 27

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Saturday 9 May 2020 18:51

You probably remind her of him

AmbrosiaFan 18

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Saturday 9 May 2020 18:56

He sounds like a lot of fun.

Kraths 16

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Saturday 9 May 2020 20:05

Sounds like a keeper if you're into that.

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

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Saturday 9 May 2020 20:09

thats when you, him, mother, other father etc. go to a therapist to explain why that is a bad thing to do

mskeptik 10

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Sunday 10 May 2020 3:56

Having a girlfriend whose father has a sense of humor - priceless. For everything else there is MasterCard.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Monday 11 May 2020 4:29

You're lucky he didn't pretend he was Igneel. He'd have ripped your arm off.

WistayShlaio82 13

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Monday 11 May 2020 22:00

Ok first, I need to ask. How did that guy lose his virginity and I still have mine.

coius 23

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Thursday 14 May 2020 1:09

Im guessing rape, incest or the wifey has serious coke bottle glasses and is legally blind/low IQ

julfunky 29

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Friday 15 May 2020 5:00

You’re a lucky man.