By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 14:00

Dad jokes, part 43884

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1672

You deserved it

262

Tweet

Share

Out of it

Commando

The student becomes the master

By skatergrrrl - United States

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26213

You deserved it

4181

Tweet

Share

By eyeamcool - United States

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63417

You deserved it

2691

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Eagle River

Today, four days after moving into my new house, I woke up to a guy yelling "Fuck you, Claire" followed by a brick smashing through my living room window. Now I know why Claire was so eager to finalize the sale. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27217

You deserved it

1557

Tweet

Share

By screwedwoman27 - United States

Today, I told my five year old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38898

You deserved it

7470

Tweet

Share

By broomrape - United States

Today, I found out that the horrible stench haunting my apartment for the past week was the decomposing corpse of my freedom loving gerbil underneath the bed that I've been sleeping on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48088

You deserved it

11642

Tweet

Share

By sm702 - United States

Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23419

You deserved it

52230

Tweet

Share

By spinster - United States - Lubbock

Today, as I was creeping on social media, I realized that literally everyone I've ever dated is either happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. My last date was at the beginning of the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22265

You deserved it

3878

Tweet

Share

By Muchacha22 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal". FML

I agree, your life sucks

13242

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1649

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23738

You deserved it

7022

Tweet

Share

By RBergman - United States - Basin

Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for public sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43547

You deserved it

3329

Tweet

Share

By it_IS_just_me - United States

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42109

You deserved it

9279

Tweet

Share

By TayRenee - United States - Rock Hill

Today, while in an ambulance after being in a car wreck, the EMT told me I would need to sign some electronic paperwork. He held it above my head for me to sign and promptly dropped it on my my face, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8468

You deserved it

463

Tweet

Share

By Gnomead

Why People Break Bad

Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3065

You deserved it

192

Tweet

Share

By ANON - United Kingdom - London

Today, I visited my Aunt in hospital. Another patient got jealous, so she threw a tantrum. She threw things at us, pulled her drip out, threw herself to the floor, screamed, pounded the floor with her fists and pissed herself. My aunt is still waiting for a new room, and the staff blame me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13661

You deserved it

760

Tweet

Share

By lpspann87 - United States

Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33006

You deserved it

2563

Tweet

Share

By scully11 - Canada

Cue Shaggy

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37280

You deserved it

3333

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the bus heading home from school, when I noticed a ridiculously hot girl near me, checking me out. I was about to say something charmingly funny when I suddenly got a whiff of onions. Turns out she had turned around simply to catch the essence of her own fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37065

You deserved it

4761

Tweet

Share

By idontevenlikehamsters - United States - Manassas

Today, I found out my creepy, obsessive neighbor got a pet hamster and named it after me. He has been telling all sorts of stories about his hamster using my name, and he just told me in detail how it died of heart attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35888

You deserved it

2452

Tweet

Share

By why

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49096

You deserved it

3682

Tweet

Share

By unfortunate - United States

Today, I was late to work and couldn't get my gas tank open. Panicking, I asked the only person around to help me who happened to be a very large man. He was able to open it for me and seemed really nice. That is until he pulled out a knife and robbed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55184

You deserved it

4223

Tweet

Share

By frogdog563

Today, my little sister asked what the noises were last night. It happened to be my dad and his girlfriend fooling around. I ended up telling her it was ghosts. Now I'm grounded by my dad who yelled at me for scaring her. I was trying to save his ass from a lot of questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1716

You deserved it

327

Tweet

Share

By Momma - 26/3/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Parent-sanctioned violence

Today, my daughter informed me that, in order to train the dumb out of her brother, she’s gonna slap him whenever he says or does something dumb. She’s slapped him 8 times already and unfortunately, each slap was justified. My boy is dumb as a box of rocks. Hope the slapping helps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

513

You deserved it

945

Tweet

Share

By fuckparents - United States

Drama!

Today, my distraught mom called me, saying my dad had killed himself and to come home right away. After cussing out my math teacher for trying to stop me and rushing back home in a taxi, I ran into the living room, only to find my parents laughing so hard they were practically in tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74280

You deserved it

3632

Tweet

Share

By 20month dry spell

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4656

You deserved it

1342

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the doctor's office and the doctor asked me "have you been having any intimate relations?" and the first thing that I blurted out was, "you mean with other people?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

24305

You deserved it

71636

Tweet

Share

By tingleballs - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14755

You deserved it

5204

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47605

You deserved it

3432

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25034

You deserved it

4106

Tweet

Share

By Mary - France

Today, after a year together, my boyfriend admitted to me that in bed I had as much an effect on him as a crossword puzzle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31161

You deserved it

4327

Tweet

Share

By blk8764 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39480

You deserved it

4760

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She bitched me out for not getting the ring she had been "hinting" me to get, and angrily left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41306

You deserved it

4956

Tweet

Share

By nato - United States

Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28180

You deserved it

2324

Tweet

Share

By jxfc - United States - Tracy

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9526

You deserved it

1503

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35890

You deserved it

4019

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 14:02 - Germany

Untidy

Today, my mom wanted a pat on the back for putting away some bottles that were clogging up the kitchen bench. She put them away by putting them on top of the dishwasher for me to deal with. They were from a trip she took over Christmas. It’s now March. FML

I agree, your life sucks

655

You deserved it

65

Tweet

Share

By xxemetahxx

Today, I got home from work early to find my boyfriend spread eagle on the couch, taking pictures of his anus. Apparently, that's what his other girlfriend is into. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2571

You deserved it

205

Tweet

Share

By AboutToGoKillBillOnSomeone - Australia - Newport

Today, I finally got my wedding photos in the mail. As I looked through them, I soon realized that the lace material on my wedding dress was completely see-through in the sunlight, and my bra and panties were visible in every single outdoor photo. I had an outdoor wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33139

You deserved it

8950

Tweet

Share

By caltech - United States - San Jose

Today, I applied for a job as a secretary. As I sat in the waiting room, the interviewer came out with his wife. She gave me a once-over, then said to her husband, "Hire this one. She's so ugly, you would never have an affair with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31048

You deserved it

2071

Tweet

Share

By teeeessst - United States

Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27794

You deserved it

25989

Tweet

Share

By annon - Canada

Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34367

You deserved it

3355

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By mskeptik | 10

#7904986 - Sunday 10 May 2020 3:56

Having a girlfriend whose father has a sense of humor - priceless. For everything else there is MasterCard.

By Aiden89 | 21

#7904796 - Saturday 9 May 2020 15:47

Run, dude.

COMMENTS

By Aiden89 | 21

#7904796 - Saturday 9 May 2020 15:47

Run, dude.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7904866 - Saturday 9 May 2020 18:51

You probably remind her of him

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7904870 - Saturday 9 May 2020 18:56

He sounds like a lot of fun.

By Kraths | 16

#7904879 - Saturday 9 May 2020 20:05

Sounds like a keeper if you're into that.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7904882 - Saturday 9 May 2020 20:09

thats when you, him, mother, other father etc. go to a therapist to explain why that is a bad thing to do

By mskeptik | 10

#7904986 - Sunday 10 May 2020 3:56

Having a girlfriend whose father has a sense of humor - priceless. For everything else there is MasterCard.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7905203 - Monday 11 May 2020 4:29

You're lucky he didn't pretend he was Igneel. He'd have ripped your arm off.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7905426 - Monday 11 May 2020 22:00

Ok first, I need to ask. How did that guy lose his virginity and I still have mine.

Reply

coius | 23

#7905946 - Thursday 14 May 2020 1:09

Im guessing rape, incest or the wifey has serious coke bottle glasses and is legally blind/low IQ

By julfunky | 29

#7906309 - Friday 15 May 2020 5:00

You’re a lucky man.