By Andrea Trevor

Still counts!

Today, I finally did the splits for the first time in my life! Unfortunately, it happened when I stepped in wet dog poop on my kitchen floor. One foot slipped forward in it, and I fell right on top of it. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Bird's eye view

Vibe check

By pissedandpoor - United States - Meadville

Today, my wallet got stolen. I had a bunch of cash, my SS card and my license in it. Now I have to replace everything, only to have to renew my license again when I turn 21 in June. FML

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18923

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By upupandaway - United States

Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML

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28376

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 23:00

Pincushion

Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML

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565

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1879

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

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38012

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By kumcat - United States - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

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31879

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By NoMeatFail - Canada

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

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16897

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55145

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By queenariii - United States - Atlanta

Today, I'm stuck in a ramshackle house that my aunt bought and moved everyone out to. Only one bathroom works, and she won't let us flush it because the house keeps flooding. Four people are stuck here with just one toilet filled with poop and urine, while she's been staying at a friend's house. FML

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11869

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1023

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By afraidtoburn - Canada

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

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34295

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2560

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By speshlk37 - United States

Today, while traveling with my cat, I had a mini-freakout when I realized that I left his favorite toy in the hotel room. I'm a 30-year-old man. FML

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22140

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By wookieewhosshe - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, my building's fire alarm went off. Unfortunately, this coincided with sexy time, and the loud alarm made me jumpy, making it extremely difficult to untie my naked boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2017

You deserved it

350

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By unknown

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

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33519

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By First Kiss - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after a romantic dinner, movie, and stroll in the park, we had our first kiss. It would have been perfect, had a passerby not thrown rubbish at us for "unnecessary public display of affection." FML

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26962

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By Anonymous

Today, it's my 21st birthday. The only person who drank with me was my elementary school principal, who I happened to run into at a bar where we were the only two people there. FML

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1809

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183

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By mathhhh - United States

Today, I missed points on a math quiz because I thought 2 times 5 was 20. I'm a math major. FML

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10041

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38289

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, on Intervention…

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

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21789

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2263

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By vishuzzbabe77 - United States

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

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10416

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41578

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By fatty

Work it

Today, after a full year of vigorous exercise 7 days a week, and a strict diet of vegetables, fruits, and water, I can proudly say that I've lost half a pound. FML

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1626

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332

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 10:57

You BARBARIAN!

Today, my flatmate was once again passive aggressive and angry at me, despite being sweet and pleasant to everyone else. My crime? Putting a baking tray in the dishwasher without scrubbing it first. FML

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661

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276

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By blahbags - United Kingdom

Today, I was going on holiday. As I was checking in my bags, I said to the really cute steward, "I think I'm overweight." He told me about discounts for customers of 'larger proportions.' I was talking about my suitcase being overweight. FML

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56713

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By Noname - United States

Today, I tried buying a video game that was rated "M - for mature". The Cashier told me "you have to be 17 to buy this game". I didn't have any ID on me. I'm 25. FML

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24877

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By laxie - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

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By grammarnazi-forareason - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I had the questionable honor of explaining the difference between "your" and "you're" to my boss, and very diplomatically make her see why her poor grasp of language could affect our credibility as a communication agency. I'm Swedish, and English is my third language. She's American. FML

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57490

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By CompleteWithPictures - United States

Today, I was having dinner with some friends at an Applebees. I couldn't decide on what I wanted, and after about 10 minutes of me flipping through the menu, our waiter brings over the braille menu complete with gigantic pictures of all the dishes and says "Here, I thought this might help." FML

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15125

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend in the dark, he grabbed onto a fat roll and asked, "Is this your stomach or boob?" I didn't have the heart to tell him it was a back roll. FML

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24180

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By tigerfiend - United States

Today, I went to a plastic surgeon's office with a friend. The doctor walked in and before he could look at the consult papers, he started explaining the lipo suction procedure to me. I had to interrupt him and tell him that I was only there for support for my friend's nose job. FML

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47608

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML

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11568

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1356

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By bigmozwoman - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

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21999

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1734

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me over for an "important chat". This chat consisted of him not only insisting that we have sex whenever he feels like it, but demanding that I take birth control pills, because making him wear a condom is "sexist and degrading". FML

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46155

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By not cool - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, while using a urinal in a very busy mall bathroom, another man unzipped his pants and attempted to use the same one as me. FML

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54691

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3164

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By jaqlove - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

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13925

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2626

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By BadLuck - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML

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22857

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was about to make out with my boyfriend, so I quickly swallowed my gum. Moments later, I started choking on the gum, and ended up spitting it out into his face. FML

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13059

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39915

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By jill - 10/3/2021 05:01

Eww, roommate from hell

Today, I discovered that when I sleep, I go to the bathroom to poop and don’t flush the toilet. I live with three roommates who all wake up before I do. FML

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666

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285

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By Laurita

Today, we started building our dream house. Next to my parents-in-law. FML

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3262

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750

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By BreechInEducation

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML

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10511

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918

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By Anonymous - United States - Boca Raton

Today, my grandpa accidentally posted a nude photo of himself on Facebook. I will never be able to unsee that. FML

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30004

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2295

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By hot_shot - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because we watched a movie that Taylor Lautner was in, she claims they made special eye contact and they are destined to be together. FML

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48610

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5009

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By IrNatalie - United States - Laveen

Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

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29595

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1878

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By caisse à outs - France - Saint Quentin

Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer, a chisel, and a drill just in case. I asked him if he was finally getting round to starting work on his apartment. Not at all, he was just going to crack open the coconut he'd just bought at the supermarket. FML

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22355

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Not now, 2020

Today, I found out I have endometriosis… Which doesn't mix well with a horny boyfriend. FML

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1196

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Top comments

By bluhbluhbluh | 14

#7672974 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 23:51

If I learned anything from movies, it's that hidden powers surface in life threatening situations.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7672877 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 19:44

More like shplits...hahahaha!

COMMENTS

By Zekfen | 17

#7672716 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 15:03

Put it on your dating resume that you can do the splits. Leave the dog poo requirement out. And remember the age old wise words of the man on the mountain: Poo goes out, not in.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7672729 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 15:33

Well I see you got your chocolate for your banana splits 🤣🤣🤣

By Abbusser | 9

#7672813 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 18:23

I hope you stretched first before attempting an advanced move like that...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7672877 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 19:44

More like shplits...hahahaha!

By bluhbluhbluh | 14

#7672974 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 23:51

If I learned anything from movies, it's that hidden powers surface in life threatening situations.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7673047 - Wednesday 8 August 2018 5:58

I guess this means you'll be known as Poopy Vag from now on.

By irrelephant1 | 19

#7674010 - Thursday 9 August 2018 22:53

Quite painful aren't they. Especially when you didn't get to stretch. Lol