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Comedy gold

By Landdownunder - 05/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me and decided it'd be funny to blow raspberries in my crotch. He literally thought it was the funniest thing ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 838

You deserved it 349

By Lindsey Taul - 23/12/2017 05:00 - United States - Granite City

Today, while driving home from work, I heard a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of wind and shifting glass over my head. My sunroof exploded for no perceptible reason 5 days before Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 239

You deserved it 308

The early bird gets the worm!

By WhatADickens - 20/01/2018 19:00

Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 827

You deserved it 423

Glittery letters

By Anonymous - 27/01/2020 18:00

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 251

You deserved it 464

Stay safe, stay home

By Anonymous - 17/03/2020 05:30

Today, my professor gave me a huge lecture in front of the class about showing up sick, about how I was endangering the lives of other students, and kicked me out of class. As I left, everyone applauded. I'm not sick, but suffering for horrible allergies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 015

You deserved it 226

Looking like a fool...

By Pantsontheground - 09/08/2018 18:30 - United States - New York

Today, my pants kept falling down. Since I didn't have a belt on, I decided to tuck the waistband around my underwear to keep them in place. While on a date, I tried to adjust my pants, but ended up pulling them down along with my boxers. In the middle of a restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 3 057

Out of order

By HornyWife - 13/06/2020 02:02

Spicy

Today, I'm on my honeymoon. My husband and I cannot consummate our marriage, because his penis has an open wound due to… vigorous masturbation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 497

You deserved it 371

Bullet = Dodged

By nikkei - 01/09/2018 22:00

Today, while paying for dinner, my card declined and my date immediately left. The waitress then ran my card again successfully. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 273

You deserved it 217

Pay up

By redheadmess - 20/07/2020 02:01

Today, my grandfather sent me a bill from when I had to live with him in foster care. I apparently owe him 62k for shampoo, food, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 006

You deserved it 120

Bad timing

By Anonymous - 21/07/2020 17:01

Today, my daughter locked herself in the bathroom having a tantrum after her boyfriend dumped her. So, out of sheer desperation, I had to sit in the kitchen sink for a pee, which is when my husband walked in with his mother and sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 132

You deserved it 422

By Tiana Scott - 12/09/2018 13:10

Today, I left the door open while I went to the bathroom and my 11-month-old crawled in and then took off with my toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 351

You deserved it 859

My eyes! My eyes!

By Audrey - 21/07/2020 14:01

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom masturbating. I want to run away. I feel violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 746

You deserved it 685

Gas giant

By Anonymous - 23/09/2018 17:30

Today, my dad's new medicine for his bad intestines makes him fart so hard I can feel the vibrations through the floorboards. The whole house smells like an open sewer and he thinks it's funny. He now has to change his undies several times a day from repeatedly shitting himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 055

You deserved it 202

I should?

By potatoehead178 - 28/01/2020 05:00 - United States - Fairfield

Today, while I finished my business with my girlfriend, she asked if I used Viagra. I replied, "No I never use Viagra." She responded with, "You should." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 188

You deserved it 421

The Breeders

By no spank - 11/08/2020 20:01

Today, my family once again mocked and insulted me for being the only one to not spank my kids. Apparently, they’ll grow up entitled and in prison if I don’t. Odd, seeing as my kids are 10 times better behaved than their kids, who get spanked on a regular. Ah well, here’s to hitting kids I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 670

You deserved it 372

By SonofMnemosyne - 16/10/2018 17:52

Today, while going to visit my father, I got out of the car and put my iPad on the roof to grab my bags. My mom drove off before I could get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 621

You deserved it 714

SonofMnemosyne tells us more.

SonofMnemosyne 20

Tuesday 16 October 2018 13:04

OP here... My mom was in a rush because she was dropping me off before she took my sister to the hospital for a really bad cough which made it hard to breathe for her. She's better now. I didn't find the IPad, but I got a new one the week after as an early birthday present from my grandparents.

By definitelynotugly - 02/12/2018 12:00

Today, I had a morning shift at the restaurant and didn't feel like wearing makeup. I was energetic and greeted everyone happily, but my manager told me I looked tired. I said, "Oh no I'm just not wearing makeup!" He said, "Well, you might need it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 847

You deserved it 353

Great balls of fire

By Ouch - 19/01/2017 08:19

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 022

You deserved it 2 050

Munchausen by proxy

By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 05:01

Today, I was just told by a hiring manager that the reasons I'm not getting interviews is because I have a spotty work history. My work history is spotty because my mother ignores my food allergies so she can get attention and, as a result, I'm chronically ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 217

You deserved it 210

PSA: Don't be this guy

By Ih8ungratefulb - 23/04/2023 00:00

Today, I confessed my feelings to the love of my life. She laughed and said, “Nah, you’re like a brother to me, I can’t see you that way.” This after I drained my wallet for her birthday, brought her flowers and comforted her when her dog passed away, and fixed her car every time it broke down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 344

You deserved it 1 820

Fundies say the darndest things

By Lyle - 13/12/2020 02:07 - United Kingdom

Today, after my father in law upset my 6-year-old son by telling him creating a world in Minecraft is a sin, because only god is allowed to create worlds so all Minecraft players will burn in hell one day, it's been 5 days since he's slept right because he’s scared the Devil will burn him if he falls asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 632

You deserved it 125

By clumsy - 11/03/2017 02:00 - United States - Stafford

Today, I slipped and fell on a piece of plastic. I thought nothing of it until I went to the doctor's and found out that I fractured and dislocated my kneecap. I'm now in a full leg brace and crutches. Prom is five days away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 140

You deserved it 497

Bad trip

By MrGullible - 17/04/2019 00:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 450

You deserved it 205

Wasted time

By erdot - 08/05/2019 20:00 - Romania - Bucuresti

Today, after 7 years of writing my PhD thesis, I found a book containing all the exact findings I've spent arduous hours, nay, years discovering. My tutoring professor somehow forgot to mention I was discovering sealing wax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 060

You deserved it 706

By Genuine D - 13/05/2017 14:00 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I pulled a white cloth with string on the end from my dog's mouth. I then realized I was holding my sister's used tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 513

You deserved it 455

By Frouse - 04/06/2019 16:00

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 2 705

By The Seamstress - 20/05/2017 18:00 - United States - Irving

Today, while sewing, I learned that I cannot hold pins in my mouth and chew gum at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 033

You deserved it 5 552

By Anonymous - 24/06/2019 12:00

Today, I needed to get blood drawn. Apparently, my veins are too thin and no blood would flow into the tube. I'm afraid of needles, and was just poked with some unsuccessfully, and I have to go back next week to try again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 654

You deserved it 176

By LonelyAF - 12/08/2017 13:00

Today, I was so lonely I called my stalker ex-boyfriend. He was too busy to talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 414

You deserved it 4 377

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, a customer at work made threats against me and my two-month old son. Instead of following policy by notifying the police, my manager apologized to him and told me to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 161

You deserved it 217

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was working my shift at the restaurant as a waiter when the girl I've been in love with for 4 years came in with her boyfriend. He asked me to hide the ring in their dessert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 665

You deserved it 6 972

Today, the transmission on my brand new car went out. I bought it last month when the transmission on my old car went out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 853

You deserved it 335

Today, my wife and I got into a massive argument after she started a YouTube channel for our young daughter. I explained that I’m not comfortable with god knows who looking at our kid. Apparently, I’m just being paranoid. She’s already recorded our entire house, including my daughter's bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 074

You deserved it 205

Today, I found the Instagram account belonging to the guy I've been seeing. That's how I found out he's one of those nitwit asshole Proud Boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 278

You deserved it 423

Today, I was attending a spa weekend that my husband got me, while he watches the kids. He'd swore he’d only call me in emergencies. So far he’s called me 18 times with questions on basic parenting like, "Where are the nappies?" and, "Can babies eat yoghurt?" Emergencies, sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 530

You deserved it 127

Today, I got a call from my son's school. He was in the nurse office puking. I picked him up and the dumbass said he'd eaten one of those stupid "WORLD'S HOTTEST SNACK" things and it made him sick. Idiot. No sympathy whatsoever from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 391

You deserved it 110