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It wasn't me

By Florida Girl - 09/03/2019 12:00

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story about my dad’s senior prank, his mom said that during her senior year, some asshole spray painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 418

You deserved it 380

By Bluevayero - 12/03/2019 14:00

Today, I found out I lost a promotion intended for me because I was on planned vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 457

You deserved it 170

By trashed - 30/03/2017 03:00 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I painted the guest bathroom. Once finished, I noticed the paint splatters on my arms matched my lily white chalky skin. Paint matches me better than my makeup. Guess I need a different paint, and new make up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 941

You deserved it 449

Trash

By Anonymous - 02/04/2017 16:00

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks… FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 834

You deserved it 446

By blabliboblu - 13/09/2012 01:41 - Mexico - Ezequiel Montes

Today, I’m in Mexico for six months to discover a new culture, bathe in Tequila and Mezcal, meet loads of new people and travel as much as possible. I’ve found somewhere to live, but as for the rest… I’m living with nuns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 537

You deserved it 136

By Anonymous - 14/05/2019 02:00

Today, at work, I came back from my break to find a child covered in mud. Turns out it wasn't mud. One of the other children had taken all of the poop out of their diaper and smeared it all over the floor, walls, and other children. The other teacher hadn't noticed, and I had to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 150

You deserved it 151

By Actrent - 25/12/2016 07:00

Today, the first gift I opened was from my uncle. It was $80 in clothes that I'd bought for myself a week earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 238

You deserved it 710

By Anonymous - 08/06/2019 00:24 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I was babysitting my friend's 12-year-old son while his dad was having an emergency procedure at the hospital. I walked into the den to see if he wanted to go out to dinner, only to find him watching Pornhub on my iPad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 625

You deserved it 431

Man of mystery

By Anonymous - 22/02/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, I found a video of my fiance staring into the camera while deep-throating a dildo, and then putting it other places. I have no idea who/what it was for, or how to talk to him about this, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with his disinterest in me lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 132

You deserved it 193

Asshat

By Julissa - 25/02/2021 00:30

Today, I got a call from my husband, saying that he wants a divorce, he’s been seeing his colleague and that she’s more compatible to him. I’ve just given birth to out first child. He told me, "Aww, good luck with that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 952

You deserved it 125

By caligirl4ever - 19/07/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 025

You deserved it 508

Mom Jokes FTW

By Embarrassed Daughter - 18/07/2017 08:26 - United States - Erlanger

Spicy

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 387

You deserved it 380

Just a prank, bro

By sarah - 28/03/2021 20:00

Today, my parents wouldn't stop making fun of my shy bladder by camping out in front of the bathroom door while I’m trying to pee. As a result, I haven’t peed in 10 hours and my bladder is going to explode. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 177

By samantha - 17/08/2019 06:02 - United States

Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 070

You deserved it 201

By Oops - 28/08/2017 03:30 - United Kingdom - Bakewell

Today, I had a hotdog. I thought the skin was a bit tough but ate it anyway. After reading the packaging later I found out that each hotdog has an individual plastic wrapper. I ate plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 3 850

By Happy for her... - 27/09/2017 18:07

Today, I arrived at work unusually happy after having shared a wonderful date and first kiss last night with the colleague I've been in love with for months. Today is also the day she received an offer for the job of her dreams across the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 567

You deserved it 312

Lucius0121 tells us more.

Lucius0121 4

Wednesday 27 September 2017 9:45

Hi, OP here, with an update. She took the job obviously, she will be gone by the end of octobre. I won't be following, our relationship is much, much too young for that kind of move, even though I do love her... The silver lining is that we decided to enjoy it until then, I try not to think about "then" too much...

Busted

By DuckMan - 07/10/2017 23:15

Today, I was at a party when the cops showed up. They asked whether anyone had a gun, but I heard "fun" instead and raised my hand. I got searched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 2 699

By "wolfssb135" - 23/10/2017 22:00

Today, I deeply underestimated my baby nephew's climbing skills. I returned from the bathroom to find a broken vase, spilled powder formula, and my phone wiped clean from too many incorrect password attempts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 279

You deserved it 1 064

Hoarded in

By nola2005 - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 716

You deserved it 695

Sneaky

By Anonymous - 07/10/2019 14:00

Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 929

You deserved it 216

Economy class

By Anonymous - 09/10/2019 02:01

Today, my wife and I moved into our new place. I'm recovering from back surgery and out of work. To help make up the rent, her boyfriend moved in too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 070

You deserved it 413

This is us

By Anonymous - 29/05/2021 19:59

Today, my husband asked me to check his asshole to see if his haemorrhoid had grown any bigger. This is my life now, all romance gone, and having to check his hairy ringpiece every day, and our kids wonder why I drink before I can fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 476

Clipper time

By azurekitten - 07/06/2021 07:59

Today, I once again woke up to find a huge gash on the back of my foot with blood pouring out. Turns out, I scratched it with my other toenail in my sleep. This is the ninth time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 390

You deserved it 1 211

Testimony night

By Anonymous - 15/11/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 992

You deserved it 521

Kids these days…

By Cindell Hanson - 02/03/2020 05:00

Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 192

Can't win

By Anonymous - 06/01/2024 18:00 - United States

Today, if I don't do work around the house, my girlfriend will call me a lazy pig and yell at me. If I do, she will yell because I didn't do it the right way. If I ask her to clarify the right way, she will call me a dumbass, give useless instructions, and work herself up into yelling at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 273

The Boxer

By single - This FML is from back in 2020 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 821

You deserved it 310

Heretic!

By hail science! - 21/04/2020 08:00

Today, my sister-in-law is refusing to let me or my children be a part of her kids' lives. She’s even going as far as trying to make my brother stop speaking to us as well. Why? Simply because I'm an atheist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 936

You deserved it 382

By Maya - 15/06/2018 16:00 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, I was having a casual conversation with my sister, who is fifteen. I don't know what's worse: the fact that she told me she went to a website where sugar daddies look for sugar babies, or that she found our biological father on there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 684

You deserved it 279

Relationships sink

By BS2280 - 09/06/2020 23:00

Today, my wife told me that she isn't in a place where she can have a physical relationship, that if I want us to have a physical relationship then we need to start from the bottom up, and work on building a friendship. I'm like, we've been married 15 years, and we're not even friends? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 213

You deserved it 549

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The Top

The Top

Today, my boyfriend thought he gave me unimaginable pleasure. I didn't have the heart to tell him I had cramp in both my legs at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 989

You deserved it 7 775

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 819

You deserved it 1 512

Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 582

You deserved it 949

Today, I'm five and a half weeks pregnant. One of my coworkers told me that it sucks that I'll have to wait so long to show. I asked her what she meant; she replied, "It's always harder to tell when big girls are pregnant. Can't tell what's fat and what's baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 168

You deserved it 4 913

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 860

You deserved it 2 433

Today, I had a job interview. The moment I walked into the room, the interviewer said, "OK, I will interview you, but there is no way I'm hiring you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 264

You deserved it 4 212