The Top

The most agreed on FMLs The most commented on FMLs The most favorited

The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

Goddamn mayo

By Jay703 - 03/08/2016 02:21 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 621

You deserved it 1 318

These jugs don't belong here...

By Busty - 21/11/2017 06:00

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 840

You deserved it 1 035

By Hopper - 04/12/2017 05:00 - United States

Today, I was the only carhop at work for the last 2 hours. In that time, I waited on about 50 cars. I make server pay so I depend on tips, but none of them tipped me even a penny. I averaged under $3 an hour tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 663

You deserved it 376

By why - 20/01/2018 15:00

Today, I was suspended for "selling drugs on campus". I was trying to give the school nurse approved medication for my severe epilepsy. I'm suspended for 3 weeks and have to go to a drug seminar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 457

You deserved it 300

Freaky...

By shinra - 18/07/2018 20:30

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 490

You deserved it 307

By my bravado's gonna kill me one day - 10/08/2018 13:00

Today, as a big fan of spicy food and a huge challenge seeker, I decided to try the hottest burger I could order. Despite being warned by a waitress, I went for it. After eating a third, I had trouble breathing from the spiciness. The waitress was smirking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 281

You deserved it 3 923

Kitchen Nightmares

By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/07/2020 14:01

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 752

You deserved it 224

Unforgettable

By bex - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with two old friends from high school. While at the restaurant, we saw a girl who we graduated with. The girl gave both of them hugs, then introduced herself to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 051

You deserved it 2 311

By LiliK - 04/02/2017 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, while suffering from a serious migraine. I have to cook dinner and listen to the singing of two very tone deaf individuals. I'm starting to contemplate sticking forks in my ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 348

You deserved it 601

By swag huh? - 21/09/2018 22:00 - Philippines - Para?aque

Today, I went on a blind date. As I waited for him in a pet-friendly mall, my friend said, "He's eccentric and has swag!" I didn't exactly know what she meant until I met him. He arrived with a miniature horse with a light pink coat and puffy fuchsia mane and tail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 672

You deserved it 354

By Annoyed - 15/01/2017 18:00

Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 057

You deserved it 1 728

By Terry - 05/12/2018 17:30

Today, I opened the bathroom door and it broke my wife’s little toe. As revenge, she ruined the ending of Assassin's Creed that she had gotten me for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 497

You deserved it 678

By Anonymous - 18/02/2017 00:00 - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked a very attractive girl out, then later I ended up talking with her. One of my friends comes up to us and points out that I'm beet red and, "blushing like a bitch". She notices and laughs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 205

You deserved it 630

UTI?

By Jam2019 - 15/02/2019 14:00

Today, despite using the bathroom before I left my house, then at the bus station 10 minutes later, I still had to get off my bus halfway into my hour long journey to pee in a back alley or I would have wet myself. I'm 24 and this has happened twice in the last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 183

You deserved it 256

By MikaPika - 07/03/2017 20:00 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, my boss offered me a 3% "raise" with new commission targets. Consequently this "raise" would result in my income being reduced by a third. Apparently, if I can reach my current targets, they're too easy. So, as a reward for being great at my job, I get a reduced salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 944

You deserved it 373

By ColderThanCold - 15/03/2019 00:00

Today, the company that was supposed to clear our apartment's parking lot never showed up. I almost got frostbite in my fingers trying to shovel someone's car out since my gloves got soaking wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 918

You deserved it 286

Suspense

By krray - 11/03/2017 22:00

Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch behind a heavy co-worker. His arms were full, and step by step, as we went up the stairs his pants dropped a little further. By the time we reached the top, his knickers were below his knees and it was a full moon. I prayed he wouldn't fart on my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 027

You deserved it 726

By Lying - 24/07/2014 06:09 - China - Shenzhen

Today, travelling in China, I was told to write a wish on a ribbon attached to a stone, and then throw it into a tree. The higher the wish lands, the greater the chance that it’ll come true. My wish landed in a trashcan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 104

Thank God it's Monday tomorrow

By Chandra - 12/05/2019 16:00 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I had to pee at work. I ended up using all the toilet paper. When I opened the door to leave, a dude was waiting to use the washroom. I told him there was no more toilet paper. He goes, “You finished all of it?” I panicked and said, “No, I didn’t use any!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 625

Bad news

By Drew - 01/06/2019 18:00

Today, I was sitting at home when the police knocked on my door. They came inside, sat me down and told me that both my parents died in a car crash tonight. I started to cry, but about 10 minutes later, I find out they had the wrong person. I feel bad for the other guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 843

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 20/05/2017 21:00 - France - Paris

Today, I was extremely stressed because I lost my ATM card, so I reconstructed my day, eventually finding it in the freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 189

You deserved it 1 398

Top Chef

By Mother of a dumb blonde - 22/06/2017 02:00

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that no, just because the word, "salad" is in the name, it doesn't mean that macaroni or potato salad are automatically healthy for you. She still doesn't believe me. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 892

You deserved it 707

What a wuss

By Anonymous - 30/03/2021 08:01

Today, my boyfriend flat out refuses to ever give me oral because it grosses him out when I squirt, and there's no way he wants that anywhere near his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 644

You deserved it 340

Missed the point

By Anonymous - 17/09/2023 16:00

Today, after working all day to make a big vegan meal for my family, hoping it would get them to become vegans as well, my brother thought it appropriate to pass around a block of cheese for everyone to grate over the pasta dish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 193

You deserved it 1 837

SK8 OR DIE

By TeenaIs - 25/10/2019 16:00

Today, I asked a random guy at the skate park if he knew anyone who could sell me some weed. Turns out he was a parole officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 2 997

By Gottalovepeople - 31/12/2017 01:34

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 197

You deserved it 2 340

By nothowitworks - 04/02/2018 01:30 - United States

Today, I was grounded for allegedly lying to my parents about being at my friend's house, in her outdoor hot tub. Apparently, my parents couldn't find me on Google Earth. I can't convince them that it's not actually a live feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 894

You deserved it 346

By MasterWong - 20/06/2018 19:00

Today, I opened my blinds to see the front yard littered with trash. My neighbor's cat ripped our trash bags open and smeared them all over the lawn. Since it was my turn to take out the trash this week, my family decided I would be the one cleaning up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 549

You deserved it 340

By Jimseagoon - 03/09/2018 20:30

Today, my wife took me to Taco Bell for the first time. I said, "Isn't this where all those FMLs happen to people?" She said, "You'll be fine." I am writing this from the toilet. I am not fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 869

You deserved it 453

By really - 26/03/2017 00:00

Today, a customer left their shopping cart behind their car and backed into it. She then came inside and threatened to sue me personally for not sending someone to collect it from where she left it. After 5 minutes of her yelling, I finally got a word in edgeways: I don't work there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 305

You deserved it 362

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Homophobia Anger issues LGBTQIA+ Religion Work Friends Love Weird Jealousy Animals Technology Dogs Videos Neighbours Kids Annoying Noise Relatable Argument Gross Poopoo peepee Transportation Cars Health Awkward Growing old Miscellaneous Cheating Parents Break-ups

The Top

Today, I entered a raffle at a local fashion designer event; the prize was $400 credit at the store that was hosting it (which was just enough for one of their dresses). Good news: I won! Bad news: they don't carry a single thing above a women's size 5. I'm 6'2" and 180 lbs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 783

You deserved it 1 414

Today, my 15-year-old daughter said she wanted to become a "baby name expert". I chortled, until I looked it up. They actually exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 033

You deserved it 5 299

Today, I learned that an inspired gardening spree is not as fulfilling as some would have us believe. One punctured hand, cactussed foot and bruised ankle later, I'm beginning to regret waking up this morning and thinking, "What the hell, I'll nuke the shit out of some weeds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 436

You deserved it 7 500

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 232

You deserved it 8 815

Today, after spending 2 years saving for my flights, I was denied boarding due to issues with my passport. I heading straight to the embassy only to be told a replacement will take 8 days. The airline will only hold my place for 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 673

You deserved it 397

Today, I got into a screaming match with the mother of my kids. I told her they need to bathe more often. According to her, anything more than once a week is excessive and bad for their skin. My kids play sports and smell like puppies from the pound. She doesn’t care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 458

You deserved it 220