Love: Today, my boyfriend bought my favorite doughnuts for our anniversary.... - FML

By FawnPrincess

Today, my boyfriend bought my favorite doughnuts for our anniversary. After settling down and pouring a glass of wine, I grabbed a doughnut and quickly realized the filling inside wasn't jelly. He thought it would be funny to replace it with toothpaste. FML

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Walk on the wild side

True hero

Basic Instinct

By BAMN2187 - United States

Today, my dad asked me when I was going to start looking for a job. Jokingly, I told him next year. He got pissed, started to yell, then realized Tuesday is New Year's Day and grounded me for "being a dumbass." FML

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By Allergic - United States

Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML

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By sdasdflkjas - United States

Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

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By awkward23 - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

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By Idigrespectfulattire - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my brother wore a T-shirt to my birthday party that said "I dig skinny chicks". I'm a recovering anorexic and told him that I didn't really like his shirt. His response? "Don't let the liberal media brainwash you into thinking it's OK to be fat." FML

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By Goobie - United States

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

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By fired - United States - Barnesville

Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML

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By ari - United States

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

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By dumpedandstranded - Canada

Today, I flew to Mexico with my (now ex) boyfriend of two years. It was my first time flying, and apparently I have a fear. I had a panic attack on the plane. When we landed, I got dumped for "causing a scene." I am now stranded in Mexico alone for two weeks with no hotel room booked. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

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By Snow White

Today, I'm so pale that I managed to get a sunburn while sitting in a bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 20:00

Rock, hard place

Today, I'm horny all the time, but my endurance in the sack is horrible. Why me? FML

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By caempa - Australia

Today, I was taking my earrings out and thought I had lost the back of one. Turns out my ear infection has caused the flesh of my ear to grow around and engulf the back of my earring and it is still stuck in there. FML

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By scarlet5000 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML

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By GoogleOFF - 7/7/2020 08:08

Alexa, fuck off

Today, my Google Home decided the TV told it to play 'Despacito'. It didn't. Google then decided I wasn't yelling at it to turn it off. I was. FML

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By Congrats to me - United States - Canton

Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

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By VacationTSA - United States

Today, I woke up in a girls bed, that I have had a crush on for two years. She was sleeping on the floor with someone else. FML

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By LALALALA - United States

Today, I saw that Pixar had put out a teaser trailer for Toy Story 3. I got so excited to watch it that had to go lay in bed for a few minutes in order to calm myself down. I'm 19 years old. FML

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By RaveCharlie - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend twice. Apparently the first time she thought I was kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I came home after a short trip. Walking through the door, an overpowering smell indicated that in my rush to leave I'd forgotten to bring the cat litter tray indoors. The place was covered in cat urine. It was as if I'd created a cycling ecosystem of evaporated urine turning into urine rain-clouds. FML

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By KC - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

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By Kevin

Today, while at an important meeting at work, I got to watch helplessly as a police officer gave me a parking meter ticket. Added to that my boss chewed me out for "never paying attention and staring out the window during meetings". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was called ugly and viciously ridiculed by a couple of teenage girls. They were wearing uggs and vests that made them look like a freak-show of bleached pomeranians. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

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By mhmohyeah - United States

Today, I was jumping on every crunchy leaf on the sidewalk. I went especially far out of my way to step on one only to notice it didn't crunch right. I looked closer, it was a dead bird. FML

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By PaintedBum

Today, I was painting the bathroom door post. A drop of paint fell on the toilet roll. Guess how I found out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

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By HtotheFtotheS - United Kingdom - Wisbech

Today, I used an air freshener in my room to make it smell good. At first, the smell was pretty pleasant. However, by the time it'd "soaked in" it smelled just like weed. My whole room stinks of it, and now my mum is convinced I've been smoking pot in my room. FML

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By Xx_DEXIJOKER_xX - United States - Spotswood

Today, my father picked me up from the police academy I'm attending, and got caught speeding. The officer was my drill instructor, and I had to do push-ups on the side of the highway. FML

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By EdwinOEF - United Arab Emirates

Today, I flew to Dubai, en route to my new job in Afghanistan. Both of my bags were lost, my debit card was frozen in London, the next flight was cancelled, and I can't get a hotel room. I'm in the richest city in world with no money and no room. Happy New Year. FML

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By Ginny - Netherlands

Today, I decided to start running to stay fit. Before I left, I put my cell phone in my sweat shirt pocket, and jumped vigorously up and down and ran around my apartment to make sure it wouldn't fall out. On a bridge, it slides out of my pocket and drops fifteen feet into the water below. FML

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By Casuallydying

Today, I went into my boss's office to confront her about not consulting me before switching my shifts with someone else. I left in tears. FML

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By Colin - France

Today, I phoned up my bank's customer service department. I waited eleven minutes on hold with the lovely music, and when a woman finally picked up, I ran out of phone credit. FML

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By Anon - Canada

Today, my mom yelled at me because I refused to lend her money. The reason I won't lend her money? The last time I did, she and my dad went out and bought a Macbook and a new car instead of paying bills. Apparently I'm being 'selfish' by keeping my own money and putting it towards university. FML

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By Doggotmytongue - United States - Peoria

Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML

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By NoThanks - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

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By anon - United States - Gilroy

Today, my boyfriend knocked into me with his car. I drove myself to the hospital because he couldn't stop laughing long enough to drive. FML

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By parched - United States

Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate thought that the water bills he had been hoarding were "suggestions." FML

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Top comments

By Rabite | 28

#7565146 - Friday 17 November 2017 16:04

You know it's illegal to date minors, right?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7565143 - Friday 17 November 2017 15:51

A none-to-subtle hint about what your breath smells like?

Also, donuts and wine?!?!? C’mon, man!!!

COMMENTS

By exileonmainst | 16

#7565138 - Friday 17 November 2017 15:33

He’s right, that is funny!

By exileonmainst | 16

#7565139 - Friday 17 November 2017 15:36

Also, I’m now crowdfunding for a restaurant where you dunk your doughnuts in mouthwash. Any donations will be greatly appreciated!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7565143 - Friday 17 November 2017 15:51

A none-to-subtle hint about what your breath smells like?

Also, donuts and wine?!?!? C’mon, man!!!

By Rabite | 28

#7565146 - Friday 17 November 2017 16:04

You know it's illegal to date minors, right?

Reply

1gullible_bugger | 33

#7571418 - Monday 4 December 2017 0:05

Didn't stop Roy Moore.

By jediloader | 12

#7565150 - Friday 17 November 2017 16:20

How thoughtful! He’s thinking of your oral healthcare too!

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7565154 - Friday 17 November 2017 16:32

Well now, the anniversary prank is long and cherished tradition.

By johnnyswallop | 18

#7565166 - Friday 17 November 2017 16:45

That is pure evil.

By Thundernutz | 15

#7565217 - Friday 17 November 2017 19:48

Happy Anniversary/April Fools?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7565250 - Friday 17 November 2017 20:49

Well at least you don't have to brush your teeth afterwards now!

By Arashikage | 18

#7565318 - Saturday 18 November 2017 0:26

My mind went somewhere else until you said toothpaste

Reply

Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7565532 - Saturday 18 November 2017 16:10

Same here. :D