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I'm innocent!

By Garrison - 18/12/2017 15:40 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was arrested for kidnapping a child. MY child. Do you know how hard it is as a white man to convince a police officer that a latino toddler screaming, "Stranger danger!" is yours? FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 687

You deserved it 428

By Anonymous - 25/06/2016 03:29 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my father-in-law is still introducing me to family friends as his son's girlfriend. I have been married to his son for 5 years, we have a child together and another on the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 139

You deserved it 1 035

By lolgarbl - 26/02/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 305

You deserved it 2 779

By Minnie - 12/06/2016 13:33 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was invited to go to a BBQ with one of my guy friends. It turned out to be a surprise engagement party, and every single one of his friends congratulated me. I'm not his fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 211

You deserved it 948

Sad but true

By mcginnismr - 13/05/2016 22:57

Today, I went to the doctor's office, where my mother happens to work. When my doctor tried to prank her by saying I have chlamydia, my mother laughed and said she didn't believe it, adding, "Have you even seen the way she interacts with boys?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 292

You deserved it 1 381

By Anonymous - 07/08/2018 04:43

Today, my boss asked me to talk to the HR manager to see if I was happy about my pay, which made me think I was going to get a raise. Turns out they paid me nearly twice as much as they should have for the last 2 years and I owe them over €5000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 204

You deserved it 208

By Dana - 16/11/2018 15:30

Today, I told my son if he wanted the new internet password he had to clean his room. I then caught him disconnecting my laptop from the internet. Turns out he changed the password months ago and now if I want the new password he wants £50. I ended up paying. I'm actually proud of the sneaky sod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 3 479

Wax on, wax off

By thanks mom - 03/05/2019 14:00

Today, after 10 years of intense training, I earned a black belt in karate. When I told my mom, she asked how long it took me, then laughed and sarcastically remarked, "Wow. SO impressive," whilst slow-clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 412

You deserved it 343

By OhNo - 22/01/2016 21:28 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I accidentally stood up my first date ever. How? I spent all of last night cleaning my parents' house for extra spending money to make sure the date went perfect, but I ended up sleeping through the alarm as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 584

You deserved it 3 577

By beta - 08/01/2019 12:00

Today, my date unexpectedly brought her friend to dinner with us. They seemed bored of me after ten minutes and left me out of their conversation for the rest of the night. Oh, and they made me pay for both of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 088

You deserved it 870

By Watchingmyfigure - 06/12/2016 17:55 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was so hungry and broke that I resorted to drinking salad dressing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 997

You deserved it 1 247

By Anonymous - 27/07/2019 16:00

Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 813

You deserved it 202

By Robert - 31/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, a brief survey of everyone I know revealed that everyone, including my parents, sibling, and best friends, thinks I'm gay. I had to do the first reverse coming out in history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 460

You deserved it 480

How romantic

By SmokedSalmon - 13/02/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 255

You deserved it 43 605

By Diana - 05/07/2018 01:30

Today, I gave birth to my first son. He was 11 pounds and the labour lasted 22 hours. My husband was absent for 8 of those hours because he slipped when my water broke, cracked his head, and ended up in the ER next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 887

You deserved it 382

By patty - 13/01/2009 02:47 - France

Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 226

You deserved it 3 501

#worthit

By Michelle Jade - 05/09/2018 22:00

Today, I'm lying in a hospital bed with two broken leg bones, a reattached tendon, and four screws holding my leg together. Why? Because I wanted chocolate milk and some asshat didn't see me walking across the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 991

You deserved it 538

I miss him

By Anonymous - 24/02/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, after a 6 month dry spell, my husband was yet again “too tired” to have sex. I guess I finally found something I miss about my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 468

You deserved it 468

By vetstudentdream - 15/04/2017 22:00 - Australia - Bellbowrie

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 804

You deserved it 842

Final exam

By Just an Exam - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 807

You deserved it 949

By StupidJob - 01/09/2016 23:23 - United States - Batavia

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 931

You deserved it 866

Romance in Appalachia

By HereWeGoAgain - 22/09/2017 13:00

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 183

You deserved it 321

By wintersoldier - 14/07/2015 02:36 - Austria

Today, while trying to comfort my little brother who just injured his leg, I tripped and sprained my ankle. At least he was amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 071

You deserved it 2 384

By mekiswrite - 30/06/2016 19:15 - Canada

Today, I have a job but can't be hired due to technical issues. This means that I'm technically not getting paid yet for the work I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 814

You deserved it 841

mekiswrite tells us more.

mekiswrite 21

Friday 1 July 2016 19:55

Hey guys! So, the place that I'm working at JUST switched to a new system - which nobody knows how to use. A while ago, my boss sat down with me to try to get me set up in the system. One problem that I had was that, using my phone, it was telling me my username and password were wrong. So, my boss told me to sign in as a "New Candidate". When I did, it didn't register me as having applied for any jobs. Last night, I tried logging in with my computer with the original username I had used to create a profile on the site. All fixed now, so I'm signed up for Direct Deposit and should be getting my employee number in a day or so. Which means that I can clock in and out and they can keep track of the hours I work. Which also means I'll be getting paid for the work I do!

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 364

You deserved it 635

Be careful what you wish for

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 821

You deserved it 3 417

By daughterofanazi - 08/02/2012 05:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 783

You deserved it 4 658

By what did i marry - 25/05/2018 12:00 - United States - Memphis

Today, I had to explain to my husband that the Earth is not flat. He didn’t believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 888

You deserved it 580

By Piggirl - 13/07/2018 19:00

Today, one day after our 12-year wedding anniversary, which my husband failed to acknowledge, I found a receipt in his pocket for chlamydia testing. We haven't had sex in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 281

You deserved it 1 006

By wheelmaker - 03/12/2018 17:30

Today, the girl I've had several passionate encounters over the past few weeks admitted we cannot entirely be together as she is married. She wants to make it work with me but cannot divorce as she would lose her visa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 798

You deserved it 486

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The Top

The Top

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 676

You deserved it 2 154

Today, I'm stuck in the middle of a red weather warning because of two huge snowstorms. I've been snowed in at work for three days so far. No sign of getting home any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 561

You deserved it 258

Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year-old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 673

You deserved it 4 443

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 848

You deserved it 2 068

Today, I was watching Animal Planet while babysitting my 4 year-old niece. A really cute baby bunny came on and I called her into the room, only for her to see it get killed by a Bald Eagle. Now she won't stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 128

You deserved it 17 834

Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 969

You deserved it 8 464