Love: Today, I had to explain to my husband that the Earth is not flat.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 353

You deserved it 45

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 138

25/05/2018 12:00

Today, I had to explain to my husband that the Earth is not flat. He didn’t believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 784

You deserved it 562

The smell detective is on the case

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Wakey wakey

04/08/2010 10:25

Spicy

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 404

You deserved it 11 287

21/01/2015 19:06

Spicy

Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't take long. She said "I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 135

You deserved it 11 648

24/11/2009 01:47

Today, the company offering the job position that I've been applying for called me up. I wasn't there to answer so they got redirected to my voice mail in which I'm acting like a drunk David Hasselhoff chewing on a cheeseburger. They called me 5 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 745

You deserved it 43 004

20/12/2009 11:03

Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 698

You deserved it 35 783

29/06/2016 04:41

Today, I bought a brand new Wii U. My cat must have thought the wires looked tasty because he chewed through each of them, which will now cost me another $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 314

You deserved it 1 897

19/05/2019 04:07

Today, I was home alone in the dark and I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't know who it was so I didn't answer. They kept ringing, so I got a bit scared and called the police. When the police showed up, they told me it was a Chinese delivery guy with the wrong address. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 003

You deserved it 1 875

05/12/2009 08:44

Today, I was texting this cute guy that I like. After a couple of minutes I get a missed call from him, I call back and his girlfriend answers and says "Hi this is his girlfriend, please stop calling him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 121

You deserved it 31 029

04/07/2015 13:18

Today, I got punched in the face, had hair ripped out of my skull and broke a tooth on the pavement when I fell. Some guy mistook me for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 571

You deserved it 1 740

04/07/2009 20:30

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 268

You deserved it 23 168

11/12/2009 21:24

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 984

You deserved it 3 210

20/11/2018 03:00

Today, I found a mouse nest. In my glovebox. Made out of the $450 in rent money I was going to give my roommate that I had stored in there earlier for safe keeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 542

You deserved it 745

05/10/2009 02:01

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 089

You deserved it 34 616

30/03/2015 02:13

Spicy

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 087

You deserved it 3 142

15/05/2012 03:52

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 867

You deserved it 2 895

17/01/2011 01:37

Today, I was on a plane. When my flight attendant brought me my drink, it had a lid and a straw. He told me, very seriously, "not to spill." No one else got a lid. I'm 18, and apparently I look spill-prone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 633

You deserved it 3 457

04/08/2016 18:53

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 517

You deserved it 1 141

03/05/2009 16:40

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 708

You deserved it 7 050

20/04/2012 21:48

Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 924

You deserved it 3 073

I'm a mess

By Anonymous - 02/10/2020 23:01

Today, I went in to return a pack of socks. The cashier told me I couldn't return them. Then, I thought that she hadn't given the unreturnable socks back to me, even though she had, so I ended up getting all hormonal and angry over their return policy. When I got home, my mom got on my case too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 325

You deserved it 1 222

The Groucho Marx of Zoom

By Anonymous - 19/03/2021 21:30

Today, I was on a work call when my coworker made an accidental Freudian slip. Thinking I was muted, I muttered, "That’s what she said." I wasn’t muted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 272

You deserved it 863

Classic mistake

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 08:01

Today, as a nursing student, I needed to take a blood sample from someone and the veins on his arms weren't really easy to draw blood from. I asked him, "Can I please look at your legs?" It turns out he was amputated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 226

18/11/2009 16:45

Today, I asked my boss a simple question about a problem I was having with a project I am currently doing. He replied: ''You don't worry your sweet little ass about it babe". My boss is my girlfriend's father. Nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 668

You deserved it 3 265

03/05/2014 18:15

Today, I was driving my grandpa to the store because his car is in the shop. I was well within the speed limit, but he kept yelling at me for "speeding", then accused me of trying to give him a heart attack, and eventually pulled the e-brake, getting us rear-ended. He refuses to apologise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 018

You deserved it 3 900

18/03/2016 06:23

Today, my mom yelled at me for going through her closet for some warmer clothes. She had a rant about taking her clothes without her permission, all while wearing a pair of my boots and one of my sweaters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 042

You deserved it 1 443

05/12/2014 13:44

Today, my neighbor showed me footage of my 7-year-old son spraying his beloved rose garden with weed killer. The whole garden is dead as fuck, and I'm now being taken to small claims court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 776

You deserved it 7 661

Not now, mom!

By Anonymous - 28/09/2020 18:02

Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 189

You deserved it 155

Gift of the gab

By Nicole - 13/12/2014 15:20

Spicy

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 186

You deserved it 7 231

09/10/2012 22:56

Today, my 6-year-old son pooped in the back yard and used a stick to throw it over the fence into my neighbor's yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 256

You deserved it 3 809

07/03/2010 19:56

Spicy

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 978

You deserved it 3 570

Unconditional support

By anon - 16/12/2019 03:00

Today, my girlfriend told me she'd support my decision to stay in, or get out of the military, so I renewed my contract...... She broke up with me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 288

Oh, the irony

By HassledAirfarer - 07/12/2009 02:08

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I opened my laptop and got to work. Suddenly, one of the women turned to me and told me that the clicking of my keyboard was too loud. She then called me an "inconsiderate, selfish bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 921

You deserved it 2 427

28/08/2018 01:30

Today, I confessed my love to my crush over text. Later, she posted the message I'd sent her on Facebook and wrote "look at the pathetic man". The post had over 50 laugh reacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 487

You deserved it 484

Yeet the kid

By Anonymous - 29/06/2021 16:01

Today, my son no longer tries to sneak in and out of the house at inappropriate times. Now, he just brazenly walks out, ignoring me when I ask where he’s going, then walks back in at like 4 in the morning, and again ignores me because he’s still on his phone to someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 940

Seize the means of production!

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 00:01

Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 676

You deserved it 100

12/01/2017 14:00

Today, I was enjoying my first vacation day in 2 years. My boss then called me to come in, saying it was an emergency. I got to work and got fired. Yes, my boss made me come in just to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 759

You deserved it 592

03/03/2009 21:40

Spicy

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158 076

You deserved it 18 188

30/05/2009 12:48

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 337

You deserved it 71 623

10/04/2011 06:50

Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep, I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 052

You deserved it 10 768

15/03/2012 07:53

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 228

You deserved it 12 983

18/12/2010 16:13

Today, another man proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 702

You deserved it 4 838

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Friday 25 May 2018 19:37

This is probably a conversation you should have had before you married him... Now you have to breed with it.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 25 May 2018 20:12

Please don’t reproduce with this one! Stupid is a dominant trait. It’s particularly disgusting in this day and age where hundreds of people from many countries have been up in space and seen it to be round. I guess he’s too stupid to convince with arguments concerning gravity, eclipses, orbital mechanics, etc, that only work with bodies that are approximately spherical.

Comments

wanted_2_want 40

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Friday 25 May 2018 19:03

Is your hubby Shaquille O’Neal??

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Friday 25 May 2018 19:18

Make the lie big, Make it simple, Keep saying it, And eventually they will believe it.

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Friday 25 May 2018 19:37

This is probably a conversation you should have had before you married him... Now you have to breed with it.

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Friday 25 May 2018 21:27

I never thought of this as a conversation you have to have. Apparently I was wrong.

ThrottleJockey 34

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Saturday 26 May 2018 0:05

For the sake of humanity, do NOT breed with him!

Emma Marshall 19

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Saturday 26 May 2018 8:16

No one has to breed with anyone... just cuz they're married doesn't mean they have to have kids.

Yudith 20

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Saturday 26 May 2018 16:41

That's why education is so important. It's going to be hard, but with the help of your child's teacher, you can teach your husband that the Earth is round.

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Saturday 26 May 2018 17:44

Who says she 'has to breed with him'? Other than you, of course.

Shabnam Moghal 14

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Friday 25 May 2018 19:38

g

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 20

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Friday 25 May 2018 20:01

Is he at least handsome? Is the sex good? Anything?

thatslifeiguess7 16

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Friday 25 May 2018 20:02

I convinced my ex that Gary the actor cut off his legs for forest gump

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Friday 25 May 2018 20:09

I am so sorry. Perhaps direct him to NASA's FB/Twitter so he can hear the news from the ones who have seen from space? I'd say send him to the internet, but there are other flat earthers!

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 25 May 2018 20:12

Please don’t reproduce with this one! Stupid is a dominant trait. It’s particularly disgusting in this day and age where hundreds of people from many countries have been up in space and seen it to be round. I guess he’s too stupid to convince with arguments concerning gravity, eclipses, orbital mechanics, etc, that only work with bodies that are approximately spherical.

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Saturday 26 May 2018 5:24

And why was this down-voted? Honestly, I just don't understand!

ARISKomuniszt 24

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Saturday 26 May 2018 20:46

There is no "stupid gene" as you seem to be implying, the problem is the incompetence of many parents and the lack of education provided...

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Friday 25 May 2018 21:37

My deepest condolences...

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Friday 25 May 2018 22:34

Make him go outside in the backyard with a shovel for several hours and don't let him back in until he realizes that he can't dig himself to China.