Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML
Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML
Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML
Today, while out for dinner with my parents, a woman, approximately the same age as my mother, repeatedly propositioned me for sex during the course of my meal. After declining firmly several times, she only stopped after my mother convinced her I was gay. FML
Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML
Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML
Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and the side of my neck hit the countertop, causing a dark bruise. During work, people wouldn't stop giving me high fives for getting laid and I was too embarrassed to tell them truth that I'm not desirable, just clumsy. FML
Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML
Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML
Today, a nurse asked my relationship status. I answered, "Married". She then asked if there was any possibility of me being pregnant. I hardly contained my snort, before responding, "No, you have to have sex for that." I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that it's true or her laughter. FML
bluevix tells us more.
bluevix 5
Thank you, we're working on it together. It isn't an easy process as it is difficult not to take his disinterest personal, and I have taken it personal (especially early on)... but when you are compatible with your spouse in as many ways as we are. Whilst I may enjoy the idea of sexual intimacy more than him, at least I have someone who loves me as much as I do them. We have plenty of activities we enjoy, but he is more of the asexual type that enjoys a good cuddle versus sex. Which I have learned to enjoy more as we continue on in our marriage.
Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML
Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML
Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML
Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML
Today, at age 31, I was about to finally lose my virginity. As we tumbled onto the bed, an excruciating pain shot through my stomach. It turned out to be a hernia, and no, I didn't get laid in the end. FML
Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML
Today, I found out that when I asked my buddy to make sure my girlfriend was safe while I was abroad, he really did; he even used a condom. FML
Today, I found out I have an STD, courtesy of my girlfriend. Funnily enough, she was clean when we first started dating. FML
Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML
Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to be dominant during sex. It was so out of character for him, I couldn't help but break into hysterical laughter. FML
Today, I asked my 12-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "A whore." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
