Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I...

By melissa1028 - 18/10/2014 02:23 - United States

Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML

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Intimacy

Boozehound alert

The end of the road

A beautiful truck decoration

By sensativenose - 19/9/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like to a skating rink. On the ride home she put her arm around me. Her armpits stank and I smelt them the whole hour and a half drive. FML

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By Tali - 28/7/2011 06:18 - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By DogStew - 15/9/2019 20:00

Pumped-up Tanks

Today, at work I had to spend 2 hours cleaning up stinky toilet water. Why? Because yesterday, I forgot to turn on the septic tank pumps. The tank overflowed, and so did all the toilets. My boss is not happy. FML

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By gera3gera - 7/10/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML

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By John - 30/6/2011 08:18 - United States

Today, I began to walk across the street when I saw a very familiar old lady struggle across it. I walked over to help her, and only after she had blown her rape whistle and socked me in the nuts did she realize I was her grandson. FML

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By lizann - 3/4/2012 05:39 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, for the second time this week, I had to ask my 27-year-old husband to stop peeing on the toilet seat. FML

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By me - 22/6/2012 07:28 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I made a phone call in my office to my doctor. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed "I definitely prefer oral." FML

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By only1bigdogme - 3/9/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I tried to scare a new college friend by sneaking up behind her wearing a mask. It worked. And so did her lightning fast reflexes developed from multiple martial arts championships. My 2 cracked ribs, broken nose and bruised ballsack can now be added to her list of achievements. FML

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By fmlguy - 10/12/2010 03:19

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

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By calvinjakobs - 9/11/2019 03:00

Same name but distant

Today, I met the most compatible and perfect girl for me. After days of talking and finally setting up a date. We found out that we both live in different continents, just our city name has been the same. I was waiting at the restaurant for 5 hours. FML

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By CALIdime_15 - 5/5/2012 05:42 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

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By melyeah - 2/3/2013 14:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, to avoid a massive delay on our scheduled flight at the airport, we were generously moved to an earlier flight home. An hour later, our new flight had been cancelled and they told us we'd be stuck at the airport overnight. Our original flight took off fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 18:50 - United States

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

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By impickingyourhomegran - 13/8/2012 22:12 - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML

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By FrOsTy25 - 13/4/2011 22:57

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, I found out my mom booked me a flight to stay with relatives who I don't like, and who don't like me. I leave in two days, and don't return until the day before school starts. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 23:08 - United States - Denver

Today, I overheard the guy I like talking to one of his friends about me. His friend asked if he and I were dating, to which he replied, "No way, dude. I have standards." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I opened some small cute birthday gifts at my boyfriend's house. As we left to go out, he slipped me a Tiffany box and said he wanted me to open it in private. Flushed and excited, I open it to find a ziploc filled with hair. It was his mustache I had been begging him to shave for months. FML

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By anon - 15/7/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, my child was refusing to leave the playground. I had to pry her, screaming and crying, from the monkey bars. I then realized I had been assaulting someone else's kid. FML

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By sad - 24/4/2009 08:18 - United States

Today, I met a really cute guy at work. He asked for my number, and I wrote it down on a piece of paper. After looking at the paper, he crumpled it up, yelled "Do you think I'm stupid? I know the rejection hotline when I see it", and walked away. It was my real phone number. FML

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By anonymous - 4/9/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I saw a car on the side on the highway with a popped tire. The driver didn't have a spare, so I nicely gave them mine. One hour later my tire popped. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, I was watching The Omen with my father. A little bit into the movie my dad turned to me and said, "Wow, you really looked like that Damien kid when you were little." Apparently I strangely resemble the anti-christ, and I am a teenage girl. Thanks Dad. FML

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By UncleMonkey - 6/3/2015 06:18 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, while flirting with a cute nurse at my dad's bedside, I accidentally let a noxious fart slip out and she thought the foul smell came from my sleeping father soiling himself. I let her roll him over and check his ass while he cried out in pain because I wasn't man enough to own up to it. FML

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By BugDTV - 27/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to open my store but corporate had changed the locks without notice. The store's being sold. FML

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By GodMemory_AbsentMind - 21/3/2017 18:00

Today, when paying for gas, I realized I'd forgotten my wallet back home. After a moment of panic, I managed to remember my card number. I paid, blowing the cute cashier's mind, and drove away, before my car started sputtering and slowed to a crawl. I'd used the wrong fuel. FML

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By depr3ssed - 31/1/2010 17:42 - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

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By cheezeits - 26/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

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By Sun_Kissed18 - 9/7/2014 07:26 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML

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By Andrea Trevor - 7/8/2018 15:00

Still counts!

Today, I finally did the splits for the first time in my life! Unfortunately, it happened when I stepped in wet dog poop on my kitchen floor. One foot slipped forward in it, and I fell right on top of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

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By Anon - 25/5/2011 05:28 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I was comforted by the sound of mice running through the walls of my apartment. I left cheese and peanut butter out for them to find so that I could at least have a pet for company. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2015 19:50 - Argentina

Today, my boss showed me a two-page letter from a customer, complaining about me because I couldn't honor a coupon that expired in 2009. He agreed that I did the right thing by refusing it, but said it would be a black mark on my record anyway due to the complaint. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 05:15 - Canada

Today, I was riding on my usual bus, when I noticed a man staring at me. I was having a really bad day, and said "Can you please stop staring at me?" He then replied with "I'm just trying to look out the window, and your head is in the way. Don't flatter yourself." FML

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By Jojo - 8/5/2019 16:00

Today, after months of planning, my boyfriend told me he's changed his mind and doesn’t want to move with me to where I got a job. Why? He doesn’t want to live that far away from his mother. FML

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By Yohm - 6/11/2008 09:41 - France

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By ohemmgeee - 31/12/2011 11:11 - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend purposely makes me cry because it makes him feel special. FML

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By representative - 20/4/2017 00:00

Today, I was let go without warning at work. Why? Because my boss saw some comments I'd posted. Nothing I'd said was offensive or controversial, but he said he didn't care, because he didn't agree with it and didn't want me to "smear" the company name. I represent the company? I just serve coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 00:19 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

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By Disturbed - 30/12/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

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Top comments

By m1e0l | 12

#6092620 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:55

I'd be careful what you send him. You never know when the son could have his phone.

By reyelisaia | 15

#6092635 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:04

#4, by holding a regular conversation first. But who really thinks about doing that first, its his phone, he should have it. you know?

COMMENTS

By larrena2377 | 26

#6092618 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:55

That's why you always make sure they are with their phones first

gracehi | 31

#6092626 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:58

And how does one go about that?

reyelisaia | 15

#6092635 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:04

#4, by holding a regular conversation first. But who really thinks about doing that first, its his phone, he should have it. you know?

TheNiceOne | 20

#6092655 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:32

Why should you expect someone else to pick up the person you are trying to contact's phone?

Loura_fml | 9

#6092697 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:11

Its quite common for people with kids to let their child use their phone.

thebigtwinkie | 28

#6092723 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:48

this FML makes me think of so many wrong things

junkman6 | 22

#6092727 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:58

Not really #9 especially if he has kids. My friends know not to text me crude stuff when my nephew is in town just for this reason.

soullyfe | 33

#6092827 - Saturday 18 October 2014 20:17

And sometimes there's the chance that someone could be borrowing their phone for whatever reasons.

bpickett18 | 16

#6092872 - Saturday 18 October 2014 21:25

When I was younger, my mom let me use her phone and if she got a message, I had to tell her imediately. if she wasnt around then I had to tell her later but I was forbidden from opening it.

By m1e0l | 12

#6092620 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:55

I'd be careful what you send him. You never know when the son could have his phone.

jerryj | 27

#6092669 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:43

That's some pretty top notch advice right there.

Good thing you shared, since OP surely couldn't have learnt her lesson after having posted on FML.

Quackadoodledoo | 13

#6092835 - Saturday 18 October 2014 20:32

Captain Hindsight...is that you?

By Aquaman911 | 18

#6092623 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:57

I think we're all stating the obvious here

AriettaX | 15

#6092750 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:46

True... but how do we know she wasnt on her phone during lunch?

By Timmster007 | 23

#6092627 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:00

I don't see how the picture could have been that bad. Considering you were at work when you took the picture.

Astrum14 | 24

#6092641 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:13

She was at work when she sent the picture. No mention of when she took it.

whiteangel361 | 10

#6092651 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:27

If she's a pornstar…

RedPillSucks | 31

#6092710 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:27

There's always the restroom stall, or if you have an office, anything goes

chidexy | 21

#6092907 - Saturday 18 October 2014 23:03

Exactly

By reyelisaia | 15

#6092630 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:01

There's no way you could've known the son would have it. Honest mistake OP,

By allybae_aye | 8

#6092631 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:02

Everything's better in person anyway.

By sayyestothedress | 24

#6092632 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:02

The kid wanted pleasure of his own

8born8 | 18

#6092764 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:03

BOOBIES!!!

By 3molliver3 | 16

#6092650 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:27

That kid got the shock off his life

By Eivana | 36

#6092671 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:44

While you were at work?

glabberfasted | 16

#6092910 - Saturday 18 October 2014 23:12

Glad I'm not the only one who found this to be the weirdest part... Who feels sexy while at work?

Astrum14 | 24

#6092914 - Saturday 18 October 2014 23:14

Strippers.

By AriettaX | 15

#6092687 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:01

Well, at least your fiance will get a good laugh out of this!

8born8 | 18

#6092763 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:01

Here's hoping her fiances ex has a sense of humor. Little ones tend to repeat what they've seen/heard verbatim. And if it doesn't come out straight away, it will eventually. Kids are innocent like that.