Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I...

By melissa1028 - 18/10/2014 02:23 - United States

Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML

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Intimacy

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Assumptions

Business savvy

By poormom - 27/6/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML

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By Meagan smith - 24/8/2011 20:33 - United States

Today, I started my new job as a teacher. Worried about how I looked, I asked a coworker if I looked okay. She said, "You look fine. Just like a normal high school kid." I spent the next half hour convincing her that I was not a student, but a teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 13:25 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2014 14:27 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2015 14:27 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss at my new job described a client as "retarded". I corrected him with "mentally disabled". He smirked and replied "Whatever. Just explain things to her real slow. After all, she's 'mentally disabled'. And a woman." I need this job so bad that I'll have to just put up with this asshole. FML

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By Lonely At Griffith - 17/6/2019 13:02

Today, well into my second year at university, I still haven't made a single friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2010 02:30 - United States

Today, I picked up my 3 friends from a party. One of them drank too much and claimed she needed to throw up. I pulled over multiple times so she could. It didn't happen until we were right in front of her house and still inside my car. FML

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By Anna - 29/9/2015 14:58 - Sweden - V?ster?s

Today, after weeks of searching, I finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. Too bad it was in the form of a download for The Sims. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2018 19:00

Today, on my way back from a family trip, my fiancé informed me via text that he'd been cheating on me for years and that he'd moved out of our house and left the state. He blocked me before I could respond. We were together for 7 years. FML

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By BeboKhaos - 4/8/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FML

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By no money anymore - 18/1/2012 03:31 - United States

Today, I hosted a "Night Out Against Crime" party at our local park. Only three people came, they robbed our fundraiser booth. FML

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By Snow-White - 4/7/2014 00:27 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML

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By helen_ - 23/4/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face , "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2012 06:13 - United States - Houston

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

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By jackzz - 9/4/2015 07:55 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2016 17:04 - United States - Athena

Today, the car across the street has been broken into so many times that my parrot has started to mimic its car alarm. FML

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By smyp - 24/12/2015 17:34 - Lithuania

Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML

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By fucked - 6/2/2015 08:06 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in a desperate attempt to get fired, I sent a sexual love letter to my boss. We're going on our first date tomorrow. FML

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By dumbdad - 28/12/2010 07:30 - United States

Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for Christmas. My dog now has bald patches. FML

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By Noname - 21/1/2009 12:36 - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

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By getting real crafty.. - 5/7/2015 15:51 - United States - Sanford

Today, my mother found out about the psychology exam I have to take tomorrow. Before leaving for her vacation this morning, she grabbed the internet router and took it with her to "get rid of distractions". I have one day to figure out how to access this online exam without Internet. FML

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By Smart - 16/9/2011 14:42 - United States

Today, while teaching my high school class about astronomy, I showed them a picture of earth from space. One girl raised her hand, and asked me what the "white things" were. In other words, clouds. FML

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By magicmaster19 - 20/6/2019 14:30

Today, my mom complained that I never do anything nice for her, so while out shopping I bought her favorite chocolate bar. When I got home, she screamed at me because she’s on a diet. FML

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By chickenflavouredlaptop - 9/4/2018 01:30

Today, I received my new laptop in the mail and put it on the kitchen counter, where my family charges all our electronics. My mom then decided to make soup and spilt chicken broth all over my new laptop before I even got the chance to turn it on. FML

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By SupposedlyAverage - 27/12/2014 14:55 - United States

Today, my fiancé proposed to me. He said, "I could have picked anyone, but I chose you. You're a solid 2, which is average. Not a 10, but I'm glad you're a 2. Less pressure, ya know." I'm not sure if I should be more upset with the fact that I'm "average", or the fact that he thought this was romantic. FML

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By Oh really - 28/1/2009 00:17 - Australia

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

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By miss_peppermint - 14/12/2018 13:30

Today, my dog of 10 years died suddenly. My husband’s response? “At least you don’t have to buy dog food anymore". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2016 09:41 - Switzerland - Ruschlikon

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

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By learntmylesson - 3/7/2010 04:15 - France

Today, I politely asked my friend if she would repay me the £20 she owes me. She shouted at me, called me an insensitive bitch, and refuses to pay me back as apparently she can't afford to. Her holiday to Italy next week begs to differ. FML

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By MATTY2512 - 13/7/2016 18:13 - Canada - Marshall

Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting "DON'T PINCH MY NIPPLE" at the top of her lungs in the shower. FML

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By Lucachoo - 21/10/2016 05:16

Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his muscles as my anniversary gift. FML

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By Lolzords - 14/9/2010 10:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the stairs holding a glass of water, when I tripped. I don't know what hurts more, that I'm still picking glass out of my hand or that my mum is still ranting about the water I'd spilt. FML

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By thanks mom - 3/5/2019 14:00

Today, after 10 years of intense training, I earned a black belt in karate. When I told my mom, she asked how long it took me, then laughed and sarcastically remarked, "Wow. SO impressive," whilst slow-clapping. FML

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By Karma - 15/3/2017 02:00

Karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go.

Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML

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By Zoogangcapk - 1/1/2020 05:00

Double Impact

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. The problem is that I don't know how to tell my wife... Who is also pregnant. FML

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By policeopenup - 11/7/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

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By Watsausrname - 14/6/2016 02:31

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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By dylanhollis - 17/1/2014 12:49 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML

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By Embarrassed - 5/11/2018 13:30

Today, at over 9 months pregnant, I woke up to a wet bed. Convinced my water broke, I woke up my husband and had him drive me to the hospital at 3am. The nurse told me my water was fine, I had just peed the bed. FML

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By ASMR - 26/5/2019 15:00

Today, I woke up with laryngitis. I just got hired as a waitress. Tomorrow is opening day, the restaurant plays loud music and I can't speak any louder than a whisper. FML

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Top comments

By m1e0l | 12

#6092620 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:55

I'd be careful what you send him. You never know when the son could have his phone.

By reyelisaia | 15

#6092635 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:04

#4, by holding a regular conversation first. But who really thinks about doing that first, its his phone, he should have it. you know?

Comments

By larrena2377 | 26

#6092618 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:55

That's why you always make sure they are with their phones first

gracehi | 31

#6092626 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:58

And how does one go about that?

reyelisaia | 15

#6092635 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:04

#4, by holding a regular conversation first. But who really thinks about doing that first, its his phone, he should have it. you know?

TheNiceOne | 20

#6092655 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:32

Why should you expect someone else to pick up the person you are trying to contact's phone?

Loura_fml | 9

#6092697 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:11

Its quite common for people with kids to let their child use their phone.

thebigtwinkie | 28

#6092723 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:48

this FML makes me think of so many wrong things

junkman6 | 22

#6092727 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:58

Not really #9 especially if he has kids. My friends know not to text me crude stuff when my nephew is in town just for this reason.

soullyfe | 33

#6092827 - Saturday 18 October 2014 20:17

And sometimes there's the chance that someone could be borrowing their phone for whatever reasons.

bpickett18 | 16

#6092872 - Saturday 18 October 2014 21:25

When I was younger, my mom let me use her phone and if she got a message, I had to tell her imediately. if she wasnt around then I had to tell her later but I was forbidden from opening it.

By m1e0l | 12

#6092620 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:55

I'd be careful what you send him. You never know when the son could have his phone.

jerryj | 27

#6092669 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:43

That's some pretty top notch advice right there.

Good thing you shared, since OP surely couldn't have learnt her lesson after having posted on FML.

Quackadoodledoo | 13

#6092835 - Saturday 18 October 2014 20:32

Captain Hindsight...is that you?

By Aquaman911 | 18

#6092623 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:57

I think we're all stating the obvious here

AriettaX | 15

#6092750 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:46

True... but how do we know she wasnt on her phone during lunch?

By Timmster007 | 23

#6092627 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:00

I don't see how the picture could have been that bad. Considering you were at work when you took the picture.

Astrum14 | 24

#6092641 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:13

She was at work when she sent the picture. No mention of when she took it.

whiteangel361 | 10

#6092651 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:27

If she's a pornstar…

RedPillSucks | 31

#6092710 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:27

There's always the restroom stall, or if you have an office, anything goes

chidexy | 21

#6092907 - Saturday 18 October 2014 23:03

Exactly

By reyelisaia | 15

#6092630 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:01

There's no way you could've known the son would have it. Honest mistake OP,

By allybae_aye | 8

#6092631 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:02

Everything's better in person anyway.

By sayyestothedress | 24

#6092632 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:02

The kid wanted pleasure of his own

8born8 | 18

#6092764 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:03

BOOBIES!!!

By 3molliver3 | 16

#6092650 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:27

That kid got the shock off his life

By Eivana | 36

#6092671 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:44

While you were at work?

glabberfasted | 16

#6092910 - Saturday 18 October 2014 23:12

Glad I'm not the only one who found this to be the weirdest part... Who feels sexy while at work?

Astrum14 | 24

#6092914 - Saturday 18 October 2014 23:14

Strippers.

By AriettaX | 15

#6092687 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:01

Well, at least your fiance will get a good laugh out of this!

8born8 | 18

#6092763 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:01

Here's hoping her fiances ex has a sense of humor. Little ones tend to repeat what they've seen/heard verbatim. And if it doesn't come out straight away, it will eventually. Kids are innocent like that.