Intimacy: Food for thought

Food for thought

By datgurllllukno - 15/10/2014 06:26 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 152

You deserved it 5 945

Intimacy

Triage

Another great day to be alive

"Why are you booing me? I'm right"

No future

By Bryan - 15/06/2021 16:00

Today, the love of my life said, "You’d make a great husband! Whoever marries you in the future is gonna be so happy!" We’ve been together for 4 years and was planning to propose on her birthday in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 933

You deserved it 91

By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 19:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 678

You deserved it 4 465

By kareed3 - 19/07/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 326

You deserved it 4 060

By Anonymous - 04/01/2014 21:31 - Ireland

Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 159

You deserved it 4 670

By mugged - 01/06/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 194

You deserved it 4 698

By Anonymous - 24/04/2017 22:00

Today, a large number of people at my office don't realize that if the door to a stall is locked, it's occupied. While I can somewhat deal with people needlessly asking if it's occupied, what I can't deal with is someone looking over the stall to check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 714

You deserved it 223

By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 18:28 - Israel - Petah Tiqwa

Today, I was showing the Instagram of my crush to my cousin. He double-tapped the picture, thinking it would zoom it in. It was posted 5 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 568

You deserved it 1 499

By Anonymous - 24/09/2011 07:22 - United Kingdom

Today, out of my bedroom window, I can see my next door neighbour's window. On his ledge, I can see binoculars, tissues and vaseline. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 724

You deserved it 5 006

By TheOtherWoman - 18/01/2013 17:21 - United Kingdom - Weston-super-mare

Today, I saw in my browser history a profile from one of those "Facebook of sex" websites. Turns out that my boyfriend has been posting naked pictures of himself on there using my laptop and flirting with teenage girls. His excuse? "I have friends on there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 081

You deserved it 3 289

By quickfingers100 - 22/07/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 774

You deserved it 10 677

By froyo - 26/02/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 502

You deserved it 4 372

Assumptions

By navi - 11/03/2021 11:01

Today, my dad once again had to help me with my technological issues. Isn’t it usually the other way around? FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 384

By Asterisk1009 - 29/06/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay. My mom said "Yeah, we know." When I asked how they knew, my dad, without looking up from the tv, said, "We've been monitoring your Internet history." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 490

You deserved it 17 027

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 08:21 - United States

Today, after soccer practice I was looking for my dad. Last night he was an hour late, so I was pretty pissed. When I spotted him, I saw him flirting with a much younger woman. I then tried throwing my soccer ball to his feet, but ended up slamming his head. Only to find out he wasn't my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 766

You deserved it 38 513

Dream baby dream

By so sleepy - 24/04/2021 02:00 - United States

Today, as a lifelong insomnia sufferer, I was having an awful night. After tossing and turning in my bed for several hours, I decided to try sleeping on the couch. Not only did I finally fall asleep, I was having one of the best dreams of my life… Until my neighbor’s brat had a tantrum at 6 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 890

You deserved it 86

By llord - 24/08/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I found out that my engagement ring was actually my husband's ex-fiancée's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 573

You deserved it 3 926

By hopelessteej - 28/01/2013 13:55 - Australia - Sydney

Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 075

You deserved it 4 082

By grrrr - 08/02/2010 00:35 - United States

Today, my son learned about various animals in school, and how they urinate to mark their territory. Apparently, the entire second floor of my house is now my son's territory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 360

You deserved it 2 861

BFF

By Anonymous - 22/09/2019 00:01

Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 709

You deserved it 417

By Anonymous - 06/11/2009 17:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because she found a lot of red lipstick on my neck. The red lipstick was from her lipstick because she came over in the middle of the night when she was really drunk, then left. She refuses to listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 159

You deserved it 3 186

By Anonymous - 31/07/2015 18:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was changing my clothes with my dog in the room. As I took off my shirt, he looked at me, ran into the corner, and threw up. Well that's a confidence booster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 625

You deserved it 2 779

By Anonymous - 02/09/2014 21:29 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I found out that my girlfriend takes videos of me sleeping and watches them with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 811

You deserved it 3 544

By GabsAlot829 - 21/07/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I babysat the most annoying and obnoxious kids for almost eight hours, when the parents assured me that they would only be gone about three or so hours. After constant calling and worrying, they finally showed up at 11:30, completely drunk. The mother paid me with three dollars and a banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 551

You deserved it 3 719

By justpeachy - 08/03/2010 20:27 - United States

Today, I was invited by my boyfriend's parents for dinner at their house. The dinner went well I thought, until I was getting ready to leave. Before I could make it out the front door, I could hear them discussing their disappointment that their son would ever consider someone like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 437

You deserved it 2 531

By BerkeleyBiker - 19/04/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 291

You deserved it 3 712

By Elizabeth Ann - 10/05/2019 23:00

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 805

You deserved it 210

By anonymous - 11/06/2015 14:37 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 825

You deserved it 2 610

By Anonymous - 21/05/2011 14:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 416

You deserved it 7 785

By Mike Messenger - 05/10/2013 13:51 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 606

You deserved it 3 442

By Anonymous - 20/06/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 990

You deserved it 61 410

By Anonymous - 18/08/2009 05:06 - Kazakhstan

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend to break up with me. I was upset. One minute later another text from her said "sorry, wrong person." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 019

You deserved it 3 670

By fjafja - 07/03/2009 06:34 - Canada

Today, I was having a one night stand with a guy. He told me he wanted to do it doggie style, I said okay, and as soon as I bent over on the bed, looked at me and said, "Let's do this with the lights off". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 479

You deserved it 13 281

By (///▽///) - 18/02/2017 21:00 - United States - Austin

Today, I learned that "prima donna" was not in fact "pre-Madonna" like I'd always thought. My family won't stop laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 560

You deserved it 2 958

By Anonymous - 29/04/2016 17:59 - United States

Today, some guy on a bike kept taunting me about my weight while I was out jogging. He ended up hitting a street lamp and fell off his bike. I had a real good laugh at him for all of 5 seconds before he got mad and really made me run. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 068

You deserved it 2 242

Gonna need it

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 07:59

Today, I decided that I was going to see a counselor due to the high amounts of stress my life. I planned to book the appointment when I got home. As soon as I got home, I noticed I had been robbed while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 069

You deserved it 48

By Nebraskawreck - 22/11/2018 13:30

Today, my husband left our untrained puppy out of its kennel when he left for work. I got home and all of the baby books my parents just bought for us that were on the coffee table in a backpack were completely destroyed, along with the bag and parts of our wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 559

You deserved it 367

By some_girl_19 - 05/08/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was in the middle of an intense orgasm when we heard the panicky voice of his little sister saying there was an emergency downstairs. He jumped up and left to see what the matter was. The big emergency? The Wii remotes had dead batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 991

You deserved it 9 404

By rileynautumn - 13/06/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, after a full shift at work, I got home to my boyfriend playing CoD, a full sink, crap all over the table, a full cat box, dirty bathroom, no laundry done and the kids at my parents' house. He yelled at me because the place was a mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 130

You deserved it 9 660

By Alex - 07/10/2010 10:10 - United States

Today, I noticed that my wife changed her status on Facebook to "widow" and a lot of strange guys commented saying stuff like "Finally." Last I checked, I'm not dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 445

You deserved it 3 247

By Kristinmarsh08 - 29/10/2010 12:02 - United States

Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 294

You deserved it 3 691

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Top comments

josef_connolly 14

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:10

Maybe you should just date pretzels then.

drayloon 50

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:14

Don't get all twisted out of shape over it

josef_connolly 14

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:10

Maybe you should just date pretzels then.

ChenEighty 20

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:26

"Oh, Snyders.."

garrett_8614 14

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 14:57

Pretzels are pretty damn sexy if you ask me.

wanted_2_want 40

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 15:47

I'm sure OP's boyfriend won't mind that she finishes soon. Unless of course OP says anything.

orbit 22

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 19:00

If it's those honey mustard and onion pretzels, I understand.

christina3466 17

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 19:50

My dog's name is Pretzel...

sayyestothedress 24

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Saturday 18 October 2014 14:50

#55 THANK YOU! For having such a important and VERY interesting comment that will be so important to the FML community! You will be remembered for eternity! *she says in a VERY sarcastic tone*

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Saturday 18 October 2014 22:58

Wow, #81, that wasn't an overreaction at all. 0.o And the asshat of the day award goes to...

lexiale 10

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Sunday 19 October 2014 6:14

#81 Like your comment had any meaning?

Mortoli 30

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Wednesday 22 October 2014 14:22

She may be with your dog.

raffcity 7

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:11

Maybe that's good that you can climax faster

sayyestothedress 24

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 13:12

Well you can't blame yourself! Pretzels are amazing!

marcus3695 3

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 13:35

yup

tehdarkness 21

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Thursday 16 October 2014 4:42

Totally. I'm jealous.

DestinyNiya 33

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:11

But, food is good.

DogeMan 14

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 22:22

Imagine wat pizza does to people

badluckalex 23

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Wednesday 28 January 2015 9:01

Or in n out!

drayloon 50

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:14

Don't get all twisted out of shape over it

mif_fml 27

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 14:13

Are you thinking about hard pretzels? ...or soft pretzels?

DanielleinDC 32

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 19:09

Those curly pretzels or pretzel rods? Because if it's a stick pretzel or rod, I can see how it would help.

TiroC 25

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:14

Sex with food gets a whole new meaning!

JMichael 25

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:15

Hey if that's what gets you off, I won't judge..*secretly wonders what the hell is wrong with OP*

DraconicFeline 31

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 19:58

Sooo...you say you won't judge, and then immediately proceed to judge?

GentlemanBastard 15

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 21:06

Yeah, I think that's the joke.

BlueFlatts 20

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 21:27

Judging by all the down votes, I don't think it was very funny.

JMichael 25

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Thursday 16 October 2014 1:11

59 gets it..

notgointoeurope 11

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:15

ayee.... pretzels are good though...

Ichiya 29

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:19

Pretzels are almost the perfect food though. Just add bacon and then I'd get off on it too.

xx000o 27

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:20

Maybe if you ate them while having sex it would give you a bigger, better and faster O, and your boyfriend something to wonder about.

Xeivan 15

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 15:20

Trolling during sex! I love it!!! LOL

Enslaved 36

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 12:36

Sounds twisted!

devildog562 33

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 14:55

Don't be so salty. Maybe it was a pretzel rod!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 27

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 22

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 184

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 258

Food for thought

No future

Assumptions

Dream baby dream

BFF

Gonna need it

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