Valentine's slay, Looking good and Intimacy: Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend,...

By TalkDirtyToMe - New Zealand

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

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45908

7417

Late term

Facebook Science

Time's up

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid a repair man $65 to come to my house and fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side saying "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said "all fixed." FML

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10131

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By Robert Herrin

Today, being the man of the house, I decided to work on the car. Long story short, there's a towel in my transmission. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1295

You deserved it

2153

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29344

You deserved it

3500

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By titsmcgee - United States - Oak Brook

Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37084

You deserved it

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By kelster

Good job

Today, my roommate has a job interview. He only applied to the job yesterday. Meanwhile, I've been out of work for three weeks. I've applied to at least ten jobs. I have yet to get a call-back from any of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1502

You deserved it

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By tommy - United States

Today, I called my friend in Australia to have a nice long chat, what I did not know was that my dad had removed my international calling plan, I talked to my friend for 5 hours, and ran up a huge phone bill, which I have to take out of the money I saved up to go see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52032

You deserved it

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By Jessy - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

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23109

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By mynameisnotdrew - United States

Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaims "that was amazing Drew..." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name which does not sound a thing like Drew. FML

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71820

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By - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

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6088

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By Stupid-Brain - 6/10/2020 09:59

Please like me

Today, like every other time for as long as I can remember, even the slightest suggestion that someone doesn't want to be around me sends me into a major panic attack. I've been in therapy for three years to try and handle my anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1023

You deserved it

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By fruitoftheloom - United States - Scottsdale

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

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37803

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By photomark - United States

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

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10483

You deserved it

36911

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

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11692

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after an extremely hard day at work, I took a hot shower to wind down a little bit. I accidentally splashed a painful amount of hot water and shampoo in my eyes. My left contact is now stuck to my eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38105

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, a wasp ended up in the house. Normally, I'd just open a door to outside and run for cover, but my 3-year-old son was home, so I decided to be brave and kill it. It flew into the air vents. We're now playing wasp roulette every time we enter a room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12321

You deserved it

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By badluck_jean - France

Today, at a ski resort, I tried to impress an attractive girl on the slopes and failed, horribly. I ended up with a mild concussion and some serious cuts after tripping, tumbling and hitting my head against the ground. I don't think she was impressed. FML

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24688

You deserved it

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By 3,500 down - United States - Altus

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

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16444

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML

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40925

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By Todd - United States

Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23721

You deserved it

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By Unlucky

Today, I received a bill from PayPal stating I owe $350 for an account that's linked to an email that I haven't used since 2015. I can't get into the account because someone hacked it and changed the password and security questions. Customer support is no help because I have no info about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2744

You deserved it

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By Sarcasmo - United States - Madison

Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13766

You deserved it

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By Japaroni - United States

Today, I went out on my back patio at night to skinny dip. I live on the intracoastal, and as I was walking towards my pool, the police were doing a random search. From a boat with a spotlight. At least their whistles told me they liked the birthday suit I had on. FML

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24838

You deserved it

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By Crawlinginmymemes - United States - Danvers

Today, I accidentally shut the door on someone who was walking behind me. After he opened the door, I turned, looked him sincerely in the eye and said, "Suffering". I meant to say sorry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9885

You deserved it

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By southernluxe - United States

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

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41777

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a haunted hayride with my crush and friends. I got scared and screamed so he put his arm around me and hugged me. I took this as a good sign and leaned in. Turns out his friend was handing him something and he wasn't putting his arm around me. FML

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2886

You deserved it

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By askprussia - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my brother was playing one of those old street fighter games. He suddenly asked me what "K.O." meant. I told him it meant "Knocked Out," but he started getting mad at me because "'knocked' isn't spelled with a 'k'". He's 17. FML

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23088

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I got on the bus. Before I could make it to a free seat, the driver hit the gas, and the sudden movement caused me to stumble and accidentally grab onto another passenger for support. She didn't appreciate this, accused me of molesting her, and got me thrown back off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41111

You deserved it

2986

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By squeak - United Kingdom

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34049

You deserved it

13928

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By regiftee - United States

Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, "Here, this one's been lying around for a while". It was the watch I gave him for Father's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

78894

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

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19093

You deserved it

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By anyoldnamewilldo - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32471

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Conover

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

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17822

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out where a few of my favorite outfits went. My mother had taken them out of my closet, wrapped them, and given them to my cousin as a gift. FML

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36177

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By missedfistbump - United States

Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

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32544

You deserved it

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By ameliaruth09 - United States - Milford

Today, while breast feeding my 7 month old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML

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30801

You deserved it

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By cookieman

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7373

You deserved it

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By newkid

Today, I was so lonely, I dragged out a conversation with a lady who called to get me to make an appointment to give blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11818

You deserved it

1324

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By Anonymous - Mozambique

Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34575

You deserved it

7165

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By DHarman - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63502

You deserved it

4044

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By WIIslave - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to get a pulled arm muscle checked. I told him I had been bowling, and it had just started to hurt badly. He said it was normal for a man of my age (35) to pull a muscle when lifting a ball of 12-15 pounds. I then told him it was on my son's Wii. FML

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You deserved it

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Top comments

By shrey | 12

#6086333 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:25

Why would u have sex if his family is in the room next to you?

By smackaroonial | 20

#6086331 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:24

Quality family entertainment!

COMMENTS

By Nexoux | 18

#6086330 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:24

At least you made an impression?

stellamahone | 4

#6086356 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:40

lol OP did you say: "who's your mommy?"*Jennifer Tilly voice*

vikky538 | 28

#6086418 - Saturday 11 October 2014 2:27

yes an unforgettable one...

jake238 | 9

#6086450 - Saturday 11 October 2014 3:16

Love the positive attitude

By smackaroonial | 20

#6086331 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:24

Quality family entertainment!

RussRuss | 7

#6086423 - Saturday 11 October 2014 2:29

That the FCC can't censor

By shrey | 12

#6086333 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:25

Why would u have sex if his family is in the room next to you?

gurbism | 16

#6086382 - Saturday 11 October 2014 1:17

I think talking dirty to each other in the absence of sex might count as foreplay

demonfacee | 14

#6088237 - Monday 13 October 2014 6:04

Exactly! That's what I was thinking.

By Kirbyzx | 16

#6086334 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:26

Whyd you talk dirty enough to laugh about with his family so close by?

RussRuss | 7

#6086424 - Saturday 11 October 2014 2:31

I'm not sure if this is terribly worded or you just don't know what's going on

By FallenLyric | 14

#6086337 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:28

Oh man, and to think you're going to have to face them later after they've heard that..

sayyestothedress | 24

#6086413 - Saturday 11 October 2014 2:18

Lesson learned

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#6086505 - Saturday 11 October 2014 5:10

NOT if she goes through the window and never shows up again.

By 201chasew | 22

#6086339 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:29

if I heard someone in an adjacent room talking dirty, I think I would laugh as well

inseenglish | 9

#6086877 - Saturday 11 October 2014 14:35

how old are you ?

By monstermatt001 | 13

#6086348 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:35

Lol

By devildog562 | 33

#6086349 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:36

Yeah I though the beautiful cervix fml was awkward until I read this one. How do you sit at the dinner table now ?

devildog562 | 33

#6086365 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:49

I can see it now . "Son does your girlfriend want to use the bathroom to wash up before dinner?"
"Why dad?"
"Cause we heard how dirty you were!

By Norja | 33

#6086351 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:37

You couldnt wait until you had a bit more privacy?

By xnikkilynn | 11

#6086352 - Saturday 11 October 2014 0:39

Sorry OP. It will be a great story to tell at your wedding some day.