Valentine's slay, Looking good and Intimacy: Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend,...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 98

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 91

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 40

10/10/2014 19:33

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 947

You deserved it 7 432

Valentine's slay Looking good Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

BO Central

Walk the line

10/06/2016 21:29

Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 020

You deserved it 982

08/01/2017 19:23

Today, I shat myself during a job interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 586

You deserved it 967

22/11/2009 00:36

Today, in dance class we did a choreography where we wear two shirts and take one off in one quick motion. After I took mine off, the audience goes "aaah". Then I realize that I had taken both my shirts off as stood there with only my bra on. I was being videotaped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 233

You deserved it 6 423

20/11/2013 21:06

Today, the guy I like shoved me out of the way so he could talk to another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 811

You deserved it 5 134

11/10/2017 23:15

Today, I learned how artistically talented my daughter is. Unfortunately, her favorite medium to work in is poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 955

You deserved it 310

18/11/2010 09:23

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 380

You deserved it 3 601

09/11/2010 19:00

Today, I got on a bus that was so overcrowded I had to stand next to the driver with nothing to hang on to. A drunk man got on and for the rest of the half hour journey continuously fell on me, when I got off he smiled and told me as the doors were closing "the last twelve times was for fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 028

You deserved it 2 903

Hipster alert

By Anonymous - 24/09/2012 05:07

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 435

You deserved it 3 224

31/12/2013 18:22

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 111

You deserved it 4 187

Happy Birthday!

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 08:59

Today, I had to wrap presents for a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 384

You deserved it 7 697

12/10/2011 15:41

Today, my upstairs neighbor was leaving the parking lot, and stopped to wave. I smiled and waved back, only to realize that she was saying goodbye to her cat, who was sitting in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 416

You deserved it 3 646

10/10/2015 04:43

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with: "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 292

You deserved it 2 709

17/07/2009 22:02

Today, I awoke to my husband donning a gorilla mask in the middle of the night. My kids have been staying in a tent out back for the past few nights, and have complained of a "monster" scaring them. I told them that it was their imagination. My husband says he gets a kick out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 541

You deserved it 6 947

23/03/2017 00:00

Today, while I was at work, my kids had the great idea to make chocolate milk. My husband had the great idea not to clean up the chocolate mix the kids spilled, so the floor got covered in chocolate footprints. The cat then had the great idea to step in the mix, and cover everything else in chocolate paw prints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 714

You deserved it 464

18/01/2009 12:41

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 303

You deserved it 2 960

24/02/2016 16:39

Today, I had a heart attack. In the hospital the doctor compared my heart to that of a stressed out 60 year-old's. I'm 17 and I don't even have a job yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 116

You deserved it 1 922

27/11/2010 02:09

Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 030

You deserved it 3 297

17/09/2009 18:45

Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 138

You deserved it 7 131

30/09/2014 03:08

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 617

You deserved it 5 466

26/02/2009 17:49

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up with and wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. I kissed her and she immediately smacked me. I got a "ha-ha" text message from my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 559

You deserved it 96 669

20/09/2016 06:08

Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 807

You deserved it 1 219

17/11/2018 15:30

Today, my girlfriend got very mad at me after finding several appointments with "Amanda" in my calendar. Amanda is my psychiatrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 634

You deserved it 284

31/12/2015 11:50

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 675

You deserved it 2 312

30/03/2012 01:54

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 875

You deserved it 23 662

"Why are you booing me? I'm right"

By Anonymous - 29/06/2021 18:00

Today, I broke my toe on a decorative statue I bought for our front yard. My husband warned me it took up too much space and was a hazard, and now I get to hear him say, "I told you so." FML

I agree, your life sucks 330

You deserved it 908

29/11/2009 08:55

Today, when I had a go at my husband for spending way too much time in front of the TV, he pointed the remote control at me while miming turning down the volume in order to make me shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 142

You deserved it 13 395

Deception

By bobthenun - 20/03/2013 21:16

Today, I went out to a restaurant to meet a girl that I met online. When I arrived, I texted her and she said she was wearing a blue shirt. The only person that was wearing anything blue was a fat man smiling in the corner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 167

You deserved it 10 740

10/10/2009 20:45

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 575

You deserved it 61 169

12/11/2014 03:31

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me over some rumors he heard about me. These rumors are from high-school, seven years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 151

You deserved it 3 546

08/06/2016 17:17

Today, after years busting my hump for my father's business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 711

You deserved it 931

31/10/2017 04:00

Today, I found out that my best friend's dad used my internet connection to make threats online. I'm going to have to go to court for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 237

You deserved it 256

20/05/2009 19:53

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 472

You deserved it 7 476

05/09/2011 10:59

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 796

You deserved it 3 182

04/01/2015 16:58

Today, I saw a homeless guy in the street. It really upset me how everyone's spirit of giving vanished as soon as Christmas was over, so I said fuck it and gave him about $50 worth of money. I barely made it 10 feet away, when another guy mugged him for the money I just gave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 592

You deserved it 3 649

26/12/2014 05:39

Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 777

You deserved it 54 522

23/07/2019 14:03

Today, my wife let two Jehovah's Witnesses in for a chat, then deliberately went to a neighbour's for "2 minutes," and left me with them for half-an-hour, with them refusing to take my hints to leave. In the end, I told them to fuck off, just as the wife arrived home, and she got mad at me for being rude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 465

You deserved it 174

02/03/2009 08:10

Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 974

You deserved it 4 972

09/05/2013 16:01

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 158

You deserved it 3 297

21/05/2019 06:00

Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 812

You deserved it 185

29/07/2015 17:07

Today, I came home to find my mom drunk. She asked me for a hug and then started crying, "Where's my daughter?" I'm her daughter. And her only child, as far as I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 688

You deserved it 1 610

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Top comments

shrey 12

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:25

Why would u have sex if his family is in the room next to you?

smackaroonial 20

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:24

Quality family entertainment!

Comments

Nexoux 18

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:24

At least you made an impression?

stellamahone 4

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:40

lol OP did you say: "who's your mommy?"*Jennifer Tilly voice*

vikky538 28

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Saturday 11 October 2014 2:27

yes an unforgettable one...

jake238 9

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Saturday 11 October 2014 3:16

Love the positive attitude

smackaroonial 20

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:24

Quality family entertainment!

RussRuss 7

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Saturday 11 October 2014 2:29

That the FCC can't censor

shrey 12

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:25

Why would u have sex if his family is in the room next to you?

gurbism 16

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Saturday 11 October 2014 1:17

I think talking dirty to each other in the absence of sex might count as foreplay

demonfacee 14

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Monday 13 October 2014 6:04

Exactly! That's what I was thinking.

Kirbyzx 16

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:26

Whyd you talk dirty enough to laugh about with his family so close by?

RussRuss 7

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Saturday 11 October 2014 2:31

I'm not sure if this is terribly worded or you just don't know what's going on

FallenLyric 14

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:28

Oh man, and to think you're going to have to face them later after they've heard that..

sayyestothedress 24

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Saturday 11 October 2014 2:18

Lesson learned

ElementaryEdGuy 18

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Saturday 11 October 2014 5:10

NOT if she goes through the window and never shows up again.

201chasew 22

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:29

if I heard someone in an adjacent room talking dirty, I think I would laugh as well

inseenglish 9

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Saturday 11 October 2014 14:35

how old are you ?

monstermatt001 13

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:35

Lol

devildog562 33

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:36

Yeah I though the beautiful cervix fml was awkward until I read this one. How do you sit at the dinner table now ?

devildog562 33

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:49

I can see it now . "Son does your girlfriend want to use the bathroom to wash up before dinner?" "Why dad?" "Cause we heard how dirty you were!

Norja 33

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:37

You couldnt wait until you had a bit more privacy?

xnikkilynn 11

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Saturday 11 October 2014 0:39

Sorry OP. It will be a great story to tell at your wedding some day.