Love: Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 266

You deserved it 32

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 496

You deserved it 134

15/10/2014 00:13

Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and the side of my neck hit the countertop, causing a dark bruise. During work, people wouldn't stop giving me high fives for getting laid and I was too embarrassed to tell them truth that I'm not desirable, just clumsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 363

You deserved it 3 742

Broken heart

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Keep your distance

03/03/2013 16:05

Today, I found out my girlfriend can do Heath Ledger's "Joker" voice perfectly. I'm not sure if I should be scared or impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 980

You deserved it 6 923

28/07/2009 13:34

Spicy

Today, I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 929

You deserved it 18 050

#rude

By friendless - 19/03/2018 11:00

Today, I invited my only friend to my birthday party and she said no, not because she couldn’t go, but because she didn’t want to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 743

You deserved it 399

18/06/2017 00:00

Today, I finally have a day to go to the library and read for hours. Today is also a playday event for toddlers. In the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 641

You deserved it 509

Filth

By roughsexgonewrong - 05/11/2013 18:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying, "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 135

You deserved it 11 561

09/04/2019 10:00

Today, my toddler was supposed to be taking a nap. Instead, he decided it was the perfect time to remove his own nappy for the first time ever. He painted his walls, floor, bed and body, then started crying because he was dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 937

You deserved it 305

16/03/2019 20:00

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 015

You deserved it 474

Some winners…

By brawl y’all - 31/10/2020 09:04

Today, what started as a family gathering turned into an all-out brawl. I saw my son’s wife punch him, so I hit her. Her mom and sister jumped me. My husband was pulling them off when the other husband thought he was attacking them and jumped in, so my son jumped in as well. We won, at least. FML

I agree, your life sucks 580

You deserved it 1 042

Not for me

By Newgenmom - 18/12/2020 19:02

Today, I told my husband I might want a baby, so he took me to visit his best friend who has a toddler and we stayed for an hour. I no longer want a baby. I want the pill wrapped in 2 condoms and a joint vasectomy/hysterectomy paid for with my non-baby disposable income, and my husband now has a shit eating grin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 587

You deserved it 1 072

30/11/2011 11:17

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 800

You deserved it 6 034

Monetize your shit life

By chap - 11/07/2020 02:01

Today, I was in an Uber with a friend I hadn't seen in 7 years. I was just catching her up on my daily life when my Uber driver decided to chime into our conversation and kindly inform me that: "[I] should be a stand-up comedian." He literally thought my life was a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 435

You deserved it 198

15/02/2013 23:00

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 311

You deserved it 3 183

16/02/2012 16:26

Today, I found out that the pool boy has been stealing from me for over a year now. The latest things that he has taken are my laptop, the cash I hide in my closet and my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 690

You deserved it 4 303

03/02/2009 21:46

Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 037

You deserved it 2 174

29/05/2012 04:06

Today, I had to teach my younger brother to shave with a regular disposable razor because our dad uses an electric one and I'm the only other person in the family with enough facial hair to know how to use a razor. I probably would have been proud if I wasn't a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 847

You deserved it 2 874

15/12/2013 21:48

Today, my mom got pissed off at my doctor and called him a quack. She did this because he reassured her that I don't show any signs of the mental retardation that she's convinced herself I must have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 683

You deserved it 3 276

26/11/2018 07:30

Today, my son decided he wanted roasted marshmallows. It would've been fine, except he put the entire bag into the oven I had preheating for pizza and caught it on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 373

You deserved it 255

Keys, how do they work?

By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 01:56

Today, I had to call a locksmith because I got locked out of my apartment. It cost a total of $350 to break in and repair the lock. Not even 3 hours later, I dropped my only key in the sewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 753

What's the point?

By Anonymous - 15/01/2021 19:58

Today, my university required us to set learning goals for each semester and then evaluate them later. And no, the answer, "I want to learn whatever they teach me in the classes I’m taking" isn't permitted. Neither is picking your own classes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 134

12/06/2012 10:43

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 292

You deserved it 30 049

07/01/2009 17:00

Today, I fell in love with a girl who used to love me. She doesn't anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 587

You deserved it 19 362

13/03/2010 15:13

Today, I went to IHOP for breakfast. As we were leaving, I realized a little girl took my Hello Kitty hairclip. For the next 5 minutes, I fought with an 8 year-old for a hairclip. She won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 403

You deserved it 28 798

25/02/2009 18:41

Today, I emailed my boyfriend from work. Out of habit, I absent-mindedly entered my department into the "From" field. My boyfriend didn't notice when he replied. Now my entire department knows I want to "drop to my knees and suck him when I get home." And he plans to "finish on my face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 866

You deserved it 73 915

14/09/2009 05:07

Today, I was taking my morning pills. There had been a lot of fruit flies in my house lately. I grabbed a cup of water beside to sink to wash the pills down. As soon as I tasted the drink, I realized it was vinegar and dish soap used to trap the flies. I washed my pills down with dead flies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 222

You deserved it 27 851

13/10/2012 06:45

Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 728

You deserved it 35 334

20/12/2013 02:45

Today, I was laying in the grass, staring into the blue sky and watching planes go by. My boyfriend snuggles down next to me; it was a sweet moment. He then told me all about how the planes above are leaving 'chem trails', and that he believes the CIA is out to mind-control us all. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 254

You deserved it 5 827

14/09/2009 09:41

Today, my boyfriend gave me a poem saying "Roses are red, violets are blue, rubbish is dumped and so are you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 997

You deserved it 4 362

05/02/2015 16:42

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a few months told me he couldn't stay overnight because his mom would yell at him for not coming home. We're both 30 and I didn't know he still lived at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 479

You deserved it 4 202

So pissed

By soaked - 25/02/2013 19:16

Today, I was babysitting, and I had to pee really, really badly. I couldn't figure out how to get the stupid toilet lock off, and ended up pissing myself. As I stood in the bathroom in tears, their child screamed, "No, no, pee-pee in the POTTY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 464

You deserved it 9 047

Storage wars

By Alyssa K Scheiber - 26/04/2021 02:00

Today, my boyfriend of almost 5 years told me that his reason for staying with me is because he doesn't want to go through our storage unit to decide who would get what. We've had the storage unit for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 87

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

By Jason Brazil - 20/10/2019 00:01

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 118

Going too far

By cad515 - 07/07/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try role play. She suggested I be a robber, so I went outside and tried to break in my window, wearing nothing but my underwear and a ski mask on. She decided it would be funny to call the cops, because it would, "add to the mood." They came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 369

You deserved it 375

08/12/2010 14:34

Spicy

Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 010

You deserved it 6 287

Mr. Burns

By Anonymous - 20/09/2020 17:00

Today, I put icy hot on my aching shoulders, like I have been for several days. They seemed extra tender today, and it wasn't until the burning started that I realized I had put icy hot directly on a very angry sunburn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 462

06/06/2010 18:31

Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 151

You deserved it 7 056

Hello, is me you're looking for?

By Anonymous - 31/08/2013 07:24

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 072

You deserved it 3 146

26/12/2014 01:24

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 685

You deserved it 4 206

These boots are made for walking

By Anonymous - 08/03/2021 05:01

Spicy

Today, I went to a strip club for the first time ever and was about to enjoy a private dance when the stripper stepped onto my chair, between my legs, to climb up onto platform. Sexy. Unfortunately, she missed the chair and stood on my balls, full weight, without noticing. I didn't 'enjoy' anything after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 293

Monday Morning Blues

By Anonymous - 01/07/2019 14:00

Today, after a rough night, my husband's alarms started going off at 5 a.m. All 4 of them. Old town road, the Skyrim theme, that lady yelling, "I got shit to do today" and bagpipes. I'm awake. He's not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 906

You deserved it 134

Communication tool

By Anonymous - 10/10/2012 21:48

Spicy

Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 166

You deserved it 6 156

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Top comments

AnOriginalName 19

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:15

I have eczema and it occasionally flares on my neck, right where a hickey would be. People always ask if it's a hickey, but I don't even have a girlfriend. At least you have the claim to being clumsy. My skin just hates me.

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:20

If they believe that you could have a significant other, then you're already half way there-ish! Be confident and proud of who you are! You'll find someone for you! Don't dwell on it, just live and have fun and it'll happen.

Comments

AnOriginalName 19

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:15

I have eczema and it occasionally flares on my neck, right where a hickey would be. People always ask if it's a hickey, but I don't even have a girlfriend. At least you have the claim to being clumsy. My skin just hates me.

sayyestothedress 24

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 13:34

I have eczema too! So I know how it feels!

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 17:20

I've got so many allergies and literally every time I have an allergy attack, my neck itches the absolute worst for so long and I get all of these red patches that look like a dozen hickeys. I feel the struggle :(

Brandi_Faith 33

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 20:25

If they automatically assume you got laid then you are probably more desirable than you think. Now if they had been surprised and shocked and were asking instead of assuming then you may have a point, but in my opinion it sounds like you're more desirable than you think. Try to put yourself out there more maybe if being alone bothers you? Join a club, try online dating, ask a friend if they know of anyone that they could set you up with. Try to have more confidence because it doesn't sound like your as bad looking as you think. :) **Edit: sorry, this was supposed to be in response to comment #2.**

AnOriginalName 19

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 21:07

28, I'll just ignore the last part of that comment and assume it was meant for me. Even though I already know that I'm a sexy motherfucker.

Brandi_Faith 33

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Thursday 16 October 2014 0:13

Well as long as you know it 32. ;)

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:20

If they believe that you could have a significant other, then you're already half way there-ish! Be confident and proud of who you are! You'll find someone for you! Don't dwell on it, just live and have fun and it'll happen.

hufflepuffle 13

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:21

He's halfway to being a couple. All OP needs now is another person....

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:20

Suuure you tripped *wink. Just call it a happy accident cause now people will think you're taken, and thus desirable.

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:25

Play it off. Not like they need to know you injured yourself.. :p

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:27

Just roll with it, they won't be able to disprove you, and you may get more ladies this way!

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 10:39

I doubt girls find someone covered in hickeys attractive

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 20:23

I beg to differ! I remember when I covered myself in fake hickeys and the ladies were swarming! Ha ha... ...I need some time alone...

Brandi_Faith 33

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 20:28

I also doubt that more people are going to find Op more attractive now that they are supposedly "taken." At least those people wouldn't be anyone worth dating.

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Friday 17 October 2014 0:29

yeah but some people don't know how to back off and want someone more when they think they can't have them

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:27

don't worry OP i am sure it will happen soon.

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:40

personally, i think huge dark hickeys are kind of trashy. other people can do it, its just not for me

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:51

Yeah, next time accidentally drop some condoms on the floor. XXL of course.....

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 October 2014 9:56

Well, technically you got screwed by a piece of furniture.

destinedjagold 7

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Wednesday 15 October 2014 10:10

*gives you a high-five!*