Intimacy: Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first...

By illequipt - 16/03/2009 03:20 - Canada

Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 203 782

You deserved it 31 932

Intimacy

Compromises

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

In vain

By Anonymous - 19/06/2018 20:30

Today, my excruciating ear pain turned out to be a bastard maggot eating away at all the vital things behind my eardrum. The doctor pulled it out, but I’m now permanently deaf in that ear and can’t balance. I fall if I try to stand or walk further than 5 feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 814

You deserved it 274

By unsatisfied - 29/11/2010 12:13 - Australia

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 530

You deserved it 6 489

By cardsftw - 16/08/2012 19:50 - United States - Compton

Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 090

You deserved it 8 363

By tempted to become single - 21/10/2012 16:00 - United States - Atwater

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 231

You deserved it 3 151

No thanks, Karen

By artdegreemyass - 21/07/2012 21:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I was cashiering at Walmart, when a customer picked open a cold-sore on her lip before trying to give me her money with the same hand. When I freaked out and refused to take her money, she started screaming and threatening to sue me for "violating the First Amendment." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 637

You deserved it 3 106

By purrfect :/ - 07/07/2016 22:34

Today, my future husband presented me with an engagement ring he had had engraved with the pet name he calls his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 357

You deserved it 1 056

By laterchoice - 02/10/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, my girlfriend informed me that she is still in love with the guy she cheated on me with. She admitted that she would be willing to do anything with him if he wanted to. And, "He's a better kisser too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 105

You deserved it 5 253

By monkey2069 - 13/05/2014 13:58 - United States - Elgin

Today, a lady handed me a $10 tip on a $45 bill. I was happy with it, since it was more than 20%, until she came back in and said, "I'm sorry I gave you the wrong amount." I handed it back to her and then she gave me a dollar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 671

You deserved it 4 869

By emliv12 - 25/05/2012 07:07 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my grandmother told me my favorite top had a permanent smell of BO, despite my constant deodorant use. I wear the top to work just about every shift. I now realize all the weird little comments my coworkers have made are actually hints to go take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 658

You deserved it 28 640

By DeniedAgain - 29/06/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station and saw some $.25 gum. It looked good and I thought I'd had a quarter in my pocket. I find no change in my pocket once I get to the register, so I pull out my credit card. The cashier laughs a few seconds later. My card was declined for a piece of gum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 217

You deserved it 15 484

By maxedoutidiot - 13/12/2012 02:14 - United States

Today, my drunk girlfriend maxed out my credit card, on an "authentic" Jesus Christ autograph on eBay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 808

You deserved it 5 380

By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I was waiting at an intersection. Across from me, a car was approaching and a bunny ran out. Trying to save it, I flashed my lights and beeped at the car crazily, when the bunny turned around. The lights turned, and as I drove forward the bunny came back out and I hit it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 621

You deserved it 7 560

Generosity

By Anonymous - 22/08/2020 20:04

Today, my granny died. My aunt wants to throw away all her books and furniture. When I offered to take care of selling it, or giving it away, like granny would have wanted, my aunt said she would let me "keep a percentage" of the few bucks I’d get for my troubles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 412

You deserved it 109

Where it is?

By Anonymous - 10/02/2020 01:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 659

You deserved it 263

By lorahayes - 05/01/2012 18:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 716

You deserved it 10 212

By Kerry - 19/06/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 039

You deserved it 2 596

You tried

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 05:01 - United States - Gilbert

Today, after thinking my crush maybe liked me back, I confessed. He didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 81

By damnit - 11/09/2010 20:46 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 958

You deserved it 2 566

By kat124ever - 07/01/2013 08:35 - United States - Apo

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 648

You deserved it 5 936

By Karl - 21/02/2011 11:43

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 665

You deserved it 5 945

By kellym - 22/04/2009 03:24 - Canada

Today, I called my husband and he told me that he was going to invite his friend Jeff over that night. I told him I would prefer that he didn't come over. He took it to mean that I wanted to spend time with him and came home with flowers. Then had to tell him I was leaving him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 582

You deserved it 157 891

By sharon - 14/12/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a presentation at work, when I said, "But we could care less about that." My boss asked if I meant, "Couldn't care less." Wanting to avoid embarrassment, I tried to think up an excuse, only to end up blurting that it was my phone's auto-correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 569

You deserved it 35 176

By Fuzy - 15/12/2008 03:24 - France

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 427

You deserved it 2 342

By Anonymous - 16/01/2011 17:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I bleached my hair. Not only did it fry, it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage, I can't dye it again for a while. Now I keep getting asked "Why so serious?" by my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 359

You deserved it 32 663

The Cheek!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 629

You deserved it 4 396

By kill the audience - 10/11/2016 17:51 - United States - Lewes

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 375

You deserved it 1 978

By Anonymous - 15/01/2013 17:45 - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 654

You deserved it 6 625

By lawdwhy - 12/11/2017 22:09

Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 006

You deserved it 467

By monochromatic - 20/02/2010 03:13 - United States

Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 010

You deserved it 2 490

By willywonks - 21/03/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 164 842

You deserved it 8 273

By al0406 - 22/03/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my grandpa and my sister. My grandpa looks over at my sister and says, "Wow. You're so beautiful." Right after, he turns to me and says, "And you have a nice coat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 249

You deserved it 4 196

By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 05:59 - United States

Today, my cat played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 402

You deserved it 6 042

By Username - 01/05/2011 03:16 - United States

Today, the lease on my house ended and I finished moving in with my girlfriend. After everything was moved in, she broke up with me. Hello homelessness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 587

You deserved it 4 137

By vanguardwiley - 24/07/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 585

You deserved it 13 715

By IHateMyJob - 18/01/2009 04:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I received an email from my boss telling me how appreciated I was and how valuable I am to the company. I wish I hadn't scrolled down to read the included conversation where he asked his boss whether to lie to me about how good I was or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 399

You deserved it 2 040

By joarasmi - 01/06/2018 05:00

Today, I came home to a completely trashed house and just stood there in shock until I heard something upstairs. I ran to heroically catch the robber and, despite being a 4'10" woman, I did it! How? The fat fuck got stuck in my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 455

You deserved it 262

By Anonymous - 11/06/2012 12:42 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I got a new set of acrylic nails put on. While driving home, I had an urge to pick my nose. My car then went over a speed-bump. I now feel like my brain is bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 074

You deserved it 46 054

By upset room mate - 18/08/2011 06:59 - United States

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 024

You deserved it 4 281

Scratch that itch

By Anonymous - 02/01/2021 04:58

Today, I bought a $50 Nintendo eShop card to redeem on my Nintendo Switch. As I was scratching the grey area, I scratched too hard, making it hard to see what it was. I tried randomly guessing and asking for help. Neither helped. Guess who didn't get $50 back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 410

You deserved it 747

By Username - 25/09/2010 04:49 - France

Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 449

You deserved it 6 566

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Top comments

jackaaa 0

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Monday 16 March 2009 12:02

Aww baby penis.

Puolukka 4

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Monday 16 March 2009 12:23

Maybe it was the first time for her to fool around with a guy like that period and she just didn't know what it's supposed to feel like/what it feels like when it's not hard?! She obviously has never touched a penis before...because even if it was pretty small you can still tell if the guy is hard or not... o.O

jackaaa 0

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Monday 16 March 2009 12:02

Aww baby penis.

Etherial 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 18:21

Baby penis trying to come out of shell.. Hahah XD My boyfriend can wear briefs AND jeans..and I can tell just by looking if he's hard or not. Poor OP.

brantzilch 0

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Saturday 20 February 2010 17:11

haha

icall_BS 0

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Monday 1 March 2010 7:09

Can you guys even picture that? *puts hand on crotch and stares at OP* GET HARD FOR ME.

Hated_By_FML 0

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Friday 2 April 2010 3:46

ydi for having a small dicc

AA357 0

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Wednesday 28 April 2010 21:10

Cause we all care about your huge bf.

mochalatte 0

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Saturday 1 May 2010 1:57

if she loves you, she'll get over it, and quickly. if she's a slut then forget it. and her.

luluk854ever 0

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Sunday 16 May 2010 17:35

hah me too!

campbellshayla73 0

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Thursday 1 July 2010 18:36

how does he desirve having a small penis it's sumthing you're born with no sumthin u can help

FantasticFin 0

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Thursday 14 October 2010 13:50

#124 ew, just ew. as if you would have a boyfriend. do us all a favour and change your picture!!

IpeeINtheBIGstal 0

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Wednesday 27 October 2010 1:28

what?!!

spiderwolf 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 5:21

yeah it is

FailBear920 19

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Monday 28 March 2011 6:43

Your name is now Lil Wang!

ShadyFTW1 0

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Friday 22 April 2011 21:55

why is there a fat cow in your picture 124?

yashr123 0

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 2:50

why ..ur pro pic is the nastiest one in the world i no u dont have a bf which guy wuld be with u!

shizzle12 0

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Sunday 10 July 2011 10:38

ahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahahah. baby penis.

xXCODGODXx 11

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Thursday 21 July 2011 6:35

good one 142

Edie84 0

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Thursday 13 October 2011 5:38

Lmfao

madaoxsan 9

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Friday 11 November 2011 22:54

yeah...wtf..that's hardly funny. that's his manhood she insulted. I invite the female posters to think about if they were sleeping with a guy and he begun to penetrate her and was like "wait...am I inside you??! it feels like I'm just rubbing in between your thighs..." Sorry OP.

julianna5782 12

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Monday 14 September 2015 20:09

wait... she's a slut if she wants dick she can feel? would you stay with some loose ass girl?

Knave 0

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Monday 16 March 2009 12:17

pwned!

frank_b102 9

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Friday 18 April 2014 11:36

Boned*

loopy_fml 0

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Monday 16 March 2009 12:20

teehee.

Puolukka 4

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Monday 16 March 2009 12:23

TWSSMoment 0

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Thursday 11 February 2010 5:20

it pretty hard not to know when a guy is hard since it just stick up out of no where -.-

ContactSparrows 0

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Wednesday 9 February 2011 15:46

lol!!!!

Migole 36

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Saturday 14 July 2012 22:03

I thought about that too...Well, at least, when he's wearing jeans. I remember when I was younger and was lying on top of my first real boyfriend (fully dressed, we were just watching a movie) and I had never seen or touched his penis. When I moved I could feel it under my belly and thought it wasn't hard (when it actually was :P). No I can tell of course, but if you have no experience with that stuff it can be hard (no pun intended).

Scotth901 22

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Thursday 6 August 2015 17:55

Lol that joke was flaccid?

could_be_funny 0

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Monday 16 March 2009 12:33

ouch that sucks...ditto #1

Ldy_S_FTW 0

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Monday 16 March 2009 12:42

O mannn, that made me L O L.

rockinbecca2 4

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Saturday 29 October 2011 17:05

I know I'm a girl but u hot

AsianCookie247 14

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Saturday 5 November 2011 11:29

^ and you're not.

mai1808 0

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Monday 16 March 2009 13:08

haha. LOL

lesb_lv 0

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Monday 16 March 2009 13:09

agree with #4. Dont dump her. U might be her 1st....

fish1806 0

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Monday 16 March 2009 13:10

ouch!! life is hard, unlike your penis...

joce445 0

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Friday 30 July 2010 7:25

this is the best comment ever

j355ika 0

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Sunday 13 November 2011 23:04

LOL FUNNY

nanaooze 1

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Friday 27 January 2012 22:07

Lol

bigcrazymike 6

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Monday 16 March 2009 13:30

"Get hard for me"? LOL! That's a stupid thing to say! What did she expect you to do...flex it?

cosmo780 0

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Wednesday 15 June 2011 14:30

guys can tense the blood flow in their dick making it more erect on cue or *flex* it

Nfabes1 5

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Monday 20 June 2011 1:01

nasty

coughyochick 7

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Monday 23 July 2012 16:58

That's how the male body works. Are you 8?

xxDefiantxx 0

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Thursday 16 August 2012 19:57

156 Please explain how that works

DubstepMasta 18

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Tuesday 31 December 2013 19:40

I know what 156 is talking about, although that "flex" isnt easy to maintain doing,(i can do it for like a few seconds, not even) it doesnt have a real purpose, and i can do it while hard and not.