Intimacy: Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first...

By illequipt - Canada

Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML

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Intimacy

Mother of the year

Great speech, thanks!

On yer bike

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

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By ihateyouatt - United States

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, I found out why the parents whose children I babysit use me so often and on such short notice. It's not because they have abrupt nights out; it's because their kids hate me, and me being around is their way of punishing them. FML

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By emliv12 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my grandmother told me my favorite top had a permanent smell of BO, despite my constant deodorant use. I wear the top to work just about every shift. I now realize all the weird little comments my coworkers have made are actually hints to go take a shower. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka

Today, my scumbag landlady broke into my place and stole my mop, which I refused to give her earlier. She denied everything and tried to convince me that some criminal broke in using a key, stole only my mop, and was nice enough to lock up on the way out. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 02:04

Party animal

Today, my husband woke up, tried walking to the bathroom, fell down, got back up and started peeing on the carpet. I’ve never seen him this drunk before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she'd had a horrible day at work. They showed her my "hysterical" badge picture to cheer her up. FML

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By MadMax - United States

Today, my friend awoke me because I was talking in my sleep. When I asked her what I was talking about she replied with, "Let's just say you were having tea with the Queen of England. And a duck. You're really good at quacking." FML

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By tstaeger - United States

Today, I tried drinking "Smart Water" for the first time. I couldn't figure out how to open the bottle. FML

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By Forgotten One - France

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years decided to start an online blog about his life. He mentioned his cars, his friends and even his staff. I was never mentioned. FML

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By McFuckYouTooCunt - Australia - Bellevue Hill

Today, a customer yelled, "I'll bash your fuckin' face in, cunt" at me at 9:30am because we don't serve the lunch menu at breakfast time. Yes, the 15-year-old girl in high school is responsible for McDonald's entire menu. FML

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By ipodless - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I asked everyone for iTunes money, pleased to finally be able to buy some new songs for my iPod. After receiving several gift cards, I discovered that my iPod had been stolen. FML

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By Facepalm2020 - 21/6/2020 23:01

Sips unsee juice

Today, my mom asked me what twerking was. When I said that it was a club dance, trying to get out of telling her what it actually was, she begged me to teach her how to do it. My mom complained to my dad, who grounded me for not teaching her to twerk her ass. FML

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By hard - Canada

Today, I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son." FML

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By NittanyMangini - United States

Today, I was taking a biology final and was just randomly tapping my pencil. My teacher thought I was somehow communicating with the person next to me, and decided to fail me. FML

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By rejected4ever - United States

Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML

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28485

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By lopsided - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to buy a bra. A woman sized me and then gave me a bra to try on in the fitting room. To my pleasure, it seemed to fit well. The woman who had sized me came in to check on me and replied, "Yeah, it happens. Not everyone can be symmetrical." FML

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29896

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By targe - Australia

Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML

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33769

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By lucky - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have it off with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML

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By noooo!!! - United States

Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

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By Nyah Murphy

Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML

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2120

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By fuck Star Wars! - 31/5/2020 08:00

In a galaxy far, far away

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a massive argument. I suggested we have a movie night. He suggested an all day/night Star Wars marathon. I’d be OK, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve done that at least five times in the last two months. He says I’m the one being unfair. FML

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By textfail - United States

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Anyone for cake?

Today, it was my boyfriend's mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

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By MrGullible

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

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2269

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By Anonymous - United States - Waunakee

Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot sauce. While repeating back the order, the words got stuck and I accidentally said large cock. I got written up for being inappropriate. FML

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6702

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the coach bus I was riding almost crashed. I was using the restroom at the time. The bus braked so hard, I peed all over the wall and splashed my shirt. Nobody wanted to sit anywhere near me after that. FML

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20438

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my not-quite-potty-trained toddler niece had a 'wee accident' in my bed. I used towels to mop it up and changed the sheets. Later, I had the bright idea to dry it faster by turning the electric blanket on high. Now my room smells like burned urine. FML

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2893

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By Amanda Howard

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Today, I came home after being stuck in traffic needing to pee really badly. When I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend was on the toilet. I couldn't hold it longer, so I went into the woods behind our house and found a bush. Relieving myself, my butt started to itch. I was sitting in poison ivy. FML

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1448

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By ForeverAlone - Ukraine

Today, there was a big party at my workplace. The only person that was socializing with me in any way was my co-workers 4-year-old daughter. Before leaving, she drew smiley faces on plastic plates and napkins and gave them to me so I "will have some friends and not be all alone". FML

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25344

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By emily - United States

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend of two years. He asked me to turn off my webcam. I asked why, and he said to just trust him. Turns out it was because he didn't want to see my face as he broke up with me. FML

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By please knock - United States - Needham

Today, I went in the one-person bathroom at work to pee. Next thing I know, a woman forced the locked door open and walked in on me, because she didn't believe another person who said, "I think someone is in there." I'm reluctant to use that bathroom in the future. FML

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11378

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By jam - 27/7/2020 08:01

Is that even legal?

Today, my boss told me that I'm being terminated. Apparently, being pregnant means I was going to quit soon anyway, so there's no point. Now I have to get job so I don't get deported. FML

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By how bout no! - 9/10/2020 17:01 - United States - Hesperia

Not gonna happen

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years said that he wants to marry and spend his life with me. But first he wants to go be wild and single for a few years before settling down. Not only does he not see a problem with this, he expects me to wait and be faithful to him while he “gets it out of his system”. FML

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By Vermont? - United States

Today, in my AP U.S. history class, we had a very long, very slow discussion about whether or not Vermont is a state. I think I lost brain cells. FML

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By Surewhatever

Not on a plane

Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

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Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

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By I tried

Lockdown is driving us down

Today, my husband went on a tirade, accusing me of bullying and being too hard on our kids. Apparently, I’m taking this homeschool thing too serious, and I need to cut them a break. All I did was make them write their letters and numbers on paper instead of just using their tablets. Yeah, real mean. FML

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Top comments

By jackaaa | 0

#34500 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:02

Aww baby penis.

By Puolukka | 4

#34520 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:23

Maybe it was the first time for her to fool around with a guy like that period and she just didn't know what it's supposed to feel like/what it feels like when it's not hard?!

She obviously has never touched a penis before...because even if it was pretty small you can still tell if the guy is hard or not... o.O

COMMENTS

By jackaaa | 0

#34500 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:02

Aww baby penis.

Etherial | 0

#333674 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 18:21

Baby penis trying to come out of shell.. Hahah XD

My boyfriend can wear briefs AND jeans..and I can tell just by looking if he's hard or not.

Poor OP.

brantzilch | 0

#875850 - Saturday 20 February 2010 17:11

haha

icall_BS | 0

#903442 - Monday 1 March 2010 7:09

Can you guys even picture that?
*puts hand on crotch and stares at OP* GET HARD FOR ME.

Hated_By_FML | 0

#972870 - Friday 2 April 2010 3:46

ydi for having a small dicc

AA357 | 0

#986338 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 21:10

Cause we all care about your huge bf.

mochalatte | 0

#986814 - Saturday 1 May 2010 1:57

if she loves you, she'll get over it, and quickly.

if she's a slut then forget it. and her.

luluk854ever | 0

#995599 - Sunday 16 May 2010 17:35

hah me too!

campbellshayla73 | 0

#1051991 - Thursday 1 July 2010 18:36

how does he desirve having a small penis it's sumthing you're born with no sumthin u can help

FantasticFin | 0

#1546776 - Thursday 14 October 2010 13:50

#124 ew, just ew. as if you would have a boyfriend. do us all a favour and change your picture!!

IpeeINtheBIGstal | 0

#1607789 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 1:28

what?!!

spiderwolf | 0

#2027769 - Monday 31 January 2011 5:21

yeah it is

FailBear920 | 19

#2253743 - Monday 28 March 2011 6:43

Your name is now Lil Wang!

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#2389808 - Friday 22 April 2011 21:55

why is there a fat cow in your picture 124?

yashr123 | 0

#2448931 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 2:50

why ..ur pro pic is the nastiest one in the world i no u dont have a bf which guy wuld be with u!

shizzle12 | 0

#2860491 - Sunday 10 July 2011 10:38

ahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahahah. baby penis.

xXCODGODXx | 11

#2943284 - Thursday 21 July 2011 6:35

good one 142

Edie84 | 0

#3425013 - Thursday 13 October 2011 5:38

Lmfao

madaoxsan | 9

#3573626 - Friday 11 November 2011 22:54

yeah...wtf..that's hardly funny.

that's his manhood she insulted.

I invite the female posters to think about if they were sleeping with a guy and he begun to penetrate her and was like "wait...am I inside you??! it feels like I'm just rubbing in between your thighs..."

Sorry OP.

julianna5782 | 12

#6410779 - Monday 14 September 2015 20:09

wait... she's a slut if she wants dick she can feel? would you stay with some loose ass girl?

By Knave | 0

#34515 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:17

pwned!

frank_b102 | 9

#5918154 - Friday 18 April 2014 11:36

Boned*

By loopy_fml | 0

#34518 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:20

teehee.

By Puolukka | 4

#34520 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:23

TWSSMoment | 0

#843557 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:20

it pretty hard not to know when a guy is hard since it just stick up out of no where -.-

ContactSparrows | 0

#2063075 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 15:46

lol!!!!

Migole | 36

#4687662 - Saturday 14 July 2012 22:03

I thought about that too...Well, at least, when he's wearing jeans. I remember when I was younger and was lying on top of my first real boyfriend (fully dressed, we were just watching a movie) and I had never seen or touched his penis. When I moved I could feel it under my belly and thought it wasn't hard (when it actually was :P). No I can tell of course, but if you have no experience with that stuff it can be hard (no pun intended).

Scotth901 | 22

#6373082 - Thursday 6 August 2015 17:55

Lol that joke was flaccid?

By could_be_funny | 0

#34529 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:33

ouch that sucks...ditto #1

By Ldy_S_FTW | 0

#34536 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:42

O mannn, that made me L O L.

rockinbecca2 | 4

#3508894 - Saturday 29 October 2011 17:05

I know I'm a girl but u hot

AsianCookie247 | 14

#3544878 - Saturday 5 November 2011 11:29

^ and you're not.

By mai1808 | 0

#34560 - Monday 16 March 2009 13:08

haha. LOL

By lesb_lv | 0

#34561 - Monday 16 March 2009 13:09

agree with #4. Dont dump her. U might be her 1st....

By fish1806 | 0

#34562 - Monday 16 March 2009 13:10

ouch!!
life is hard, unlike your penis...

joce445 | 0

#1160326 - Friday 30 July 2010 7:25

this is the best comment ever

j355ika | 0

#3581652 - Sunday 13 November 2011 23:04

LOL FUNNY

nanaooze | 1

#3952698 - Friday 27 January 2012 22:07

Lol

By bigcrazymike | 6

#34572 - Monday 16 March 2009 13:30

"Get hard for me"?

LOL! That's a stupid thing to say! What did she expect you to do...flex it?

cosmo780 | 0

#2686223 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 14:30

guys can tense the blood flow in their dick making it more erect on cue or *flex* it

Nfabes1 | 5

#2718796 - Monday 20 June 2011 1:01

nasty

coughyochick | 7

#4724157 - Monday 23 July 2012 16:58

That's how the male body works. Are you 8?

xxDefiantxx | 0

#4822641 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:57

156 Please explain how that works

DubstepMasta | 18

#5811734 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 19:40

I know what 156 is talking about, although that "flex" isnt easy to maintain doing,(i can do it for like a few seconds, not even) it doesnt have a real purpose, and i can do it while hard and not.