Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first...

By illequipt - Canada

Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML

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Intimacy

Family values

Social distancing done right

Laundry drama

By bademployee - United States - Portland

Today, my boss had a lengthy and obnoxiously egocentric conversation with a colleague. After she left across the office, I stood up, looked over at my colleague, and made a sarcastic "shooting myself in the head" gesture. I saw my boss staring at me over a cubicle wall as I turned around. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

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16740

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By 4evalone - United States - Monterey

Today, I was dressed as a single girl. I wore pajama pants, hoodie with no bra, and carried a plate of pizza around. But it wasn't my costume, I just had nowhere to go for Halloween. FML

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36456

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By Anonymous - France - Cateri

Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML

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33295

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By bakedplum - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML

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27721

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By fartmaster - United States

Today, I was in a tour group going through a cave and our guide stopped, turned off the lights, and told us to be quiet so we could feel absolute silence. I farted. FML

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32215

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By Sheila Deville

Delirious fever days are the BEST!

Today, it's day 5 of being out of my mind with a fever. I actually uttered the words, "Spit is a lubricant, not a frictioncant or gripperorator." FML

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1239

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By stillhungry - United States

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

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49344

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By emie0209 - United States

Today, my friend and I were driving to Florida from Michigan. While going through Ohio my car hydroplaned over a puddle on the highway. I ended up hitting the median and my car got wrecked. Not only am I stuck in Ohio with a car that wont work, I got a ticket for $300 for hitting Ohio property. FML

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46357

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By (L) - United States - Athens

Today, I was studying in my university library when I noticed an attractive boy sitting alone four tables ahead of me. I wrote down my phone number, scrunched it into a ball, and threw it at him. He looked up, opened it, scrunched it up, and threw it back. FML

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2728

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By CUCKOO - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML

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48249

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By helpme - United States - Annapolis

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

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25493

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By Roger Quimble

Today, after taking a refreshing shower, I found out that due to a newly-built platform, people in the apartment underneath can see right into my bedroom. While I was standing there completely naked, some guy smiled at me. FML

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1793

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By angrymadman3542342 - Canada

Today, I started talking to a friend about how he needs to stop overreacting and getting angry very easily. He kicked sand up in the air, and it came back into his eyes. He started getting angry, and when I told him this is what I was talking about, he hit me in the nose. FML

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31943

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By bitchsawmebuyit - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, I realized the dress I bought yesterday still had the security tag on. I returned to the store to get it removed, only to realize my receipt was misplaced. The lady at the counter thought I stole it, called security, and had me escorted out, dress-less. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

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By cass - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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12541

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By mama

Today, I went to the doctor's office after getting a positive pregnancy test. She did another one to confirm the result, which came back negative. My husband is wandering around with a great big smile on his face, because he isn't going to have a "rugrat." FML

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1625

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By Smittynumerouno - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had an old man yell in my face because the boxes in our store only had Spanish words on them. I spent 15 minutes apologizing and trying to explain that the English was on the back side. He stormed out before I could even show him. FML

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10665

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By mochiko - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my little brother. I saw him touching some expensive objects, so I slapped his arm. I noticed he wasn't my brother when he started crying and his real mom slapped me in the face. FML

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16454

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By - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I had a meeting with HR that resulted in me being dismissed for poor performance. I was confused because up until that point, my line manager had said my performance was exemplary. Turns out it wasn't, and he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to be stressed. FML

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2682

Phew, glad it wasn't me

317

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By hjufidskndf - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been asked by multiple people "why he is going out with such an ugly girl." FML

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36118

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By almost governmental - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I got a call about a job interview, saying I was hired. I was ecstatic, until they called me back and said they'd called the wrong applicant. They called again later, saying there'd been a mistake and I really was hired. When I went in to confirm it, they said they'd never heard of me. FML

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51392

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By pained - United States

Today, I had an ingrown toenail cut out, and the pain medication I received does not actually help with the pain. Instead, it makes me high, which results in me losing balance and slamming my injured toe into objects and then getting sick from that new pain. FML

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By smh - Canada

Today, after coming home from a long day at work, I found out that in a house full of 5 adults, some rules still need to be set. The newest addition to the rules: No watching porn and jerking off in the living room. FML

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28588

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By JoshTheUnluckyFromKentucky - United States - Folsom

Today, I got on the bus to go to work. I managed to get a seat, but an old lady who looked tired had to stand. I offered her my seat, but she glared at me, frowned and said, "Go fuck yourself." Everyone laughed as I sat there in dismay. FML

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36898

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By Loser - United States - Winona

Today, I was skinny dipping with some cute girls from school, one of which I really like. Everything was great until I caught a fish on my own personal nightcrawler and they had to take me to the ER. I'll forever be known as "salmon dick". FML

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4301

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By MedChew - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML

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30482

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By trembelwick - Canada

Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML

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38614

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By LadyLump - United States

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

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35984

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By CreeptacularBait

Today, after my husband trusted me to sort out the arrangements for modifying our kitchen and I spent a lot of time finding the perfect top-quality items, they were delivered 1,291 miles away in a town I’ve never heard of. FML

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By ugh - South Africa - Durban

Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewisville

Today, my boyfriend got pissed off and is now sulking, all because I didn't make a huge deal out of our 1-month "anniversary". FML

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22960

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By junkie - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML

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13092

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By Anonymous

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

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1437

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML

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31789

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By tbalboa - United States

Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

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31659

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

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45067

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By shmarf - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

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By grossedoutgirlfriend

Not so normal, no

Today, I came home from work to see a pair of panties I hadn't worn lying on the floor. I picked them up and they were all crunchy. It turns out that while I'm away, my boyfriend uses my underwear as a vessel for his semen. He claims this is normal. FML

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Top comments

By jackaaa | 0

#34500 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:02

Aww baby penis.

By Puolukka | 4

#34520 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:23

Maybe it was the first time for her to fool around with a guy like that period and she just didn't know what it's supposed to feel like/what it feels like when it's not hard?!

She obviously has never touched a penis before...because even if it was pretty small you can still tell if the guy is hard or not... o.O

COMMENTS

By jackaaa | 0

#34500 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:02

Aww baby penis.

Etherial | 0

#333674 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 18:21

Baby penis trying to come out of shell.. Hahah XD

My boyfriend can wear briefs AND jeans..and I can tell just by looking if he's hard or not.

Poor OP.

brantzilch | 0

#875850 - Saturday 20 February 2010 17:11

haha

icall_BS | 0

#903442 - Monday 1 March 2010 7:09

Can you guys even picture that?
*puts hand on crotch and stares at OP* GET HARD FOR ME.

Hated_By_FML | 0

#972870 - Friday 2 April 2010 3:46

ydi for having a small dicc

AA357 | 0

#986338 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 21:10

Cause we all care about your huge bf.

mochalatte | 0

#986814 - Saturday 1 May 2010 1:57

if she loves you, she'll get over it, and quickly.

if she's a slut then forget it. and her.

luluk854ever | 0

#995599 - Sunday 16 May 2010 17:35

hah me too!

campbellshayla73 | 0

#1051991 - Thursday 1 July 2010 18:36

how does he desirve having a small penis it's sumthing you're born with no sumthin u can help

FantasticFin | 0

#1546776 - Thursday 14 October 2010 13:50

#124 ew, just ew. as if you would have a boyfriend. do us all a favour and change your picture!!

IpeeINtheBIGstal | 0

#1607789 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 1:28

what?!!

spiderwolf | 0

#2027769 - Monday 31 January 2011 5:21

yeah it is

FailBear920 | 19

#2253743 - Monday 28 March 2011 6:43

Your name is now Lil Wang!

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#2389808 - Friday 22 April 2011 21:55

why is there a fat cow in your picture 124?

yashr123 | 0

#2448931 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 2:50

why ..ur pro pic is the nastiest one in the world i no u dont have a bf which guy wuld be with u!

shizzle12 | 0

#2860491 - Sunday 10 July 2011 10:38

ahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahahah. baby penis.

xXCODGODXx | 11

#2943284 - Thursday 21 July 2011 6:35

good one 142

Edie84 | 0

#3425013 - Thursday 13 October 2011 5:38

Lmfao

madaoxsan | 9

#3573626 - Friday 11 November 2011 22:54

yeah...wtf..that's hardly funny.

that's his manhood she insulted.

I invite the female posters to think about if they were sleeping with a guy and he begun to penetrate her and was like "wait...am I inside you??! it feels like I'm just rubbing in between your thighs..."

Sorry OP.

julianna5782 | 12

#6410779 - Monday 14 September 2015 20:09

wait... she's a slut if she wants dick she can feel? would you stay with some loose ass girl?

By Knave | 0

#34515 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:17

pwned!

frank_b102 | 9

#5918154 - Friday 18 April 2014 11:36

Boned*

By loopy_fml | 0

#34518 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:20

teehee.

By Puolukka | 4

#34520 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:23

TWSSMoment | 0

#843557 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:20

it pretty hard not to know when a guy is hard since it just stick up out of no where -.-

ContactSparrows | 0

#2063075 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 15:46

lol!!!!

Migole | 36

#4687662 - Saturday 14 July 2012 22:03

I thought about that too...Well, at least, when he's wearing jeans. I remember when I was younger and was lying on top of my first real boyfriend (fully dressed, we were just watching a movie) and I had never seen or touched his penis. When I moved I could feel it under my belly and thought it wasn't hard (when it actually was :P). No I can tell of course, but if you have no experience with that stuff it can be hard (no pun intended).

Scotth901 | 22

#6373082 - Thursday 6 August 2015 17:55

Lol that joke was flaccid?

By could_be_funny | 0

#34529 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:33

ouch that sucks...ditto #1

By Ldy_S_FTW | 0

#34536 - Monday 16 March 2009 12:42

O mannn, that made me L O L.

rockinbecca2 | 4

#3508894 - Saturday 29 October 2011 17:05

I know I'm a girl but u hot

AsianCookie247 | 14

#3544878 - Saturday 5 November 2011 11:29

^ and you're not.

By mai1808 | 0

#34560 - Monday 16 March 2009 13:08

haha. LOL

By lesb_lv | 0

#34561 - Monday 16 March 2009 13:09

agree with #4. Dont dump her. U might be her 1st....

By fish1806 | 0

#34562 - Monday 16 March 2009 13:10

ouch!!
life is hard, unlike your penis...

joce445 | 0

#1160326 - Friday 30 July 2010 7:25

this is the best comment ever

j355ika | 0

#3581652 - Sunday 13 November 2011 23:04

LOL FUNNY

nanaooze | 1

#3952698 - Friday 27 January 2012 22:07

Lol

By bigcrazymike | 6

#34572 - Monday 16 March 2009 13:30

"Get hard for me"?

LOL! That's a stupid thing to say! What did she expect you to do...flex it?

cosmo780 | 0

#2686223 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 14:30

guys can tense the blood flow in their dick making it more erect on cue or *flex* it

Nfabes1 | 5

#2718796 - Monday 20 June 2011 1:01

nasty

coughyochick | 7

#4724157 - Monday 23 July 2012 16:58

That's how the male body works. Are you 8?

xxDefiantxx | 0

#4822641 - Thursday 16 August 2012 19:57

156 Please explain how that works

DubstepMasta | 18

#5811734 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 19:40

I know what 156 is talking about, although that "flex" isnt easy to maintain doing,(i can do it for like a few seconds, not even) it doesnt have a real purpose, and i can do it while hard and not.