Work: Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered,...

By wtffireworks! - 26/05/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 149

You deserved it 18 493

Work

Hiding from the drama

Vulture

Egg mode

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 19:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 454

You deserved it 2 610

By Fat Bastard - 20/05/2019 04:02

Today, my son bought me some Slimfast for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 708

You deserved it 282

By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - 12/10/2012 09:27 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 054

You deserved it 3 146

By Anonymous - 26/08/2014 11:27 - United States - Cortland

Today, I was fixing the plumbing at my father-in-law's house. I told him to shut off the water and yell to me when he did. A few minutes later, I heard a yell and removed the pipe. I was met with a face full of water. Turns out he was just very excited when the Rangers beat the Mariners. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 867

You deserved it 3 822

By Blazouta - 11/11/2008 08:32 - France

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 005

You deserved it 4 561

By LawSchoolBoi - 30/04/2019 00:00

Today, I told my roommate she had to pay $55 to replace a piece of the oven she broke. She told me I was being selfish and decided to illegally break our lease because I was, "making her feel unsafe." Now I not only have to pay for the oven repair, I also have to pay her next two month's rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 102

You deserved it 178

By Anonymous - 05/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 684

You deserved it 61 540

By sleepless - 25/06/2019 20:00

Today, it's the third day that I can't sleep. Somewhere in my room, there's a mosquito craving for my blood, and every time I'm about to fall asleep, I can hear it flying around. I'm covered in bites, even in places that barely see the daylight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 761

You deserved it 149

Happy Feet

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 679

You deserved it 92

By Anonymous - 23/11/2010 17:35 - Canada

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 940

You deserved it 5 952

By illequipt - 16/03/2009 03:20 - Canada

Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 203 782

You deserved it 31 932

By Surprisebuttsecks? - 07/12/2011 04:39 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 132

You deserved it 7 358

By -__- - 26/12/2015 13:41

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 314

You deserved it 2 976

By nolove - 04/05/2009 02:12 - Canada

Today, before going to bed my phone lit up and I got all excited because I thought it was a text message. My phone was finished charging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 627

You deserved it 46 263

By Ggirl - 01/10/2013 19:41 - United States - Camarillo

Today, my boyfriend called me a selfish bitch and dumped me after I told him I'm planning on getting much-needed breast reduction surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 441

You deserved it 15 341

By ugh - 11/03/2013 11:33 - United States - Easthampton

Today, I was caught "experimenting" with my friend at his house. His parents called mine, and my dad came to drive me home. On the way back, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Son, don't be ashamed. When I was your age, I sucked a few dicks myself." Thanks for the info, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 951

You deserved it 26 765

By cazorp - 05/01/2012 11:43 - United States

Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 333

You deserved it 2 453

By human - 21/06/2019 00:01

Today, I had a dream in which I was eating vast quantities of pizza, cookies, and pastries. I became so anxious about all the calories that I woke up. Even in my dreams I'm self conscious about my diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 222

By santasadiekins - 17/08/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 556

You deserved it 4 827

By Really - 10/06/2015 01:59 - United States - Middletown

Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 626

You deserved it 2 988

By neelloc83 - 02/03/2009 14:22 - United States

Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said "We're not ready for our table yet". Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend who I've met several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 060

You deserved it 67 957

Bates Motel

By Anonymous - 15/10/2021 08:00

Today, I gave my boyfriend a choice between me and the super creepy codependent almost Norman Bates relationship he has with his mother. Guess which he chose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 426

You go Glenn Coco!

By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 17:07

Today, my very top boyfriend told me he was ready to try being the bottom. He moaned and complained about the pain the entire time, even though I got less than 2 inches in, and then got angry I was taking so long to cum. I thought I was the drama queen in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 190

You deserved it 288

By Anonymous - 29/01/2017 14:00 - United States

Today, a few people in my class used calculators on the math final exam, even though it clearly stated at the top that they weren't allowed. The teacher found out, and now everyone has to retake the 200-question exam. I didn't even use a calculator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 654

You deserved it 479

By Anonymous - 26/04/2017 04:00

Today, after not showering with my boyfriend in 3 months, he called me in to the bathroom and asked me to shower with him. After getting excited and ripping my clothes off, I get in and he asks me to wash his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 625

You deserved it 859

By Anonymous - 21/04/2011 09:30 - Australia

Today, I was on train when an attractive girl got on. There were no free seats and seeing as how my stop was next, I gave her mine. As soon as I did, the train came to an immediate halt, due to "brake problems". I spent the next 40 minutes standing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 673

You deserved it 12 868

By fashionista1787 - 12/09/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, I had a creepy old guy with awful body odor in my salon. As I was washing his hair, he brought up how he wants to start a garden, and how a woman's monthly flow weirdly helps to make it grow. Then he asked me if I can save up my used tampons for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 846

You deserved it 2 488

By JMcKay - 26/01/2012 03:36 - Australia

Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 024

You deserved it 6 119

By PerpetuallyHappy - 25/09/2012 23:20 - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 798

You deserved it 1 908

By Nick - 23/08/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, I found my truck broken into. Whoever broke in ripped my dash apart, and the stupid idiot couldn't get the radio out. So now I have a trashed truck interior, and the moron has nothing to show for it. He did leave behind his Subway wrapper though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 496

You deserved it 2 301

By Jakeok - 14/11/2014 00:04 - United States - Fraser

Today, I once again used my phone to get out of a conversation with someone, instead of actually talking to someone on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 361

You deserved it 7 601

By sleepylillion - 25/04/2016 05:07 - United States - Eleele

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 162

You deserved it 1 509

By anon - 27/04/2016 00:11 - United States - Arverne

Today, I got pulled over by the cops for swerving a lot while driving. I tried to explain that my dog bit the back of my neck, but as soon as I opened my door to show him the bite marks and the dog, it ran out of the car. I still can't find him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 336

You deserved it 2 116

By Wade - 30/05/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I was sitting under a tree at a park. The dirt felt a little damp, so I assumed it was dew from the night. A homeless man walks over and asks me to move, then starts to pee under the tree, followed by another man. I was sitting in their bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 843

You deserved it 4 659

Wobbly

By CheddarJack89 - 01/12/2012 08:35 - United States - Manchester

Today, after doing inventory at my job, I was approached by a co-worker who I had always thought was cute. I tried talking to her, but it was hard as I kept trembling and stuttering from spending two hours in a meat locker. Now she assumes that I'm "special". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 786

You deserved it 2 463

By psh_idontbite - 13/03/2015 03:55 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 654

You deserved it 3 528

By InNeedOfFriends - 12/04/2013 00:00 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 378

You deserved it 19 717

By Celina - 12/01/2009 09:55 - United States

Today, I have -$700 in my current account, $500 from overdraft fees because I spent money they told me I had. I don't get paid till the 15th and when I cash in my paycheck all of it will go to bringing me even. So the $9 I found in my wallet this morning will have to last me untill the 30th. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 711

You deserved it 5 325

By Anonymous - 03/10/2014 20:43 - United States - Tempe

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 351

You deserved it 3 085

By Matt - 05/10/2011 10:49 - Australia

Today, I finished a website that I have been working on for ages for a friend. He tried to repay me by offering to teach me to play table tennis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 610

You deserved it 4 185

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Top comments

marinus_fml 19

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Thursday 26 May 2011 8:44

Damn right they do.

Natalie403 6

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Thursday 26 May 2011 8:44

Stereotypes xD

marinus_fml 19

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Thursday 26 May 2011 8:44

Damn right they do.

canttouchthis90 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 8:52

you do know people shooot fireworks out of their pony tails

iLazy 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 8:56

A firework must have been shot in your brain.

futtbuck101 1

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Thursday 26 May 2011 8:57

Ponytails on ponies seems suspicious

Crystalosophy 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 9:00

They look creepy and suspicious.... profiling is there for a reason! lol

VinegarStrokes 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 9:41

Yeeeaaah OP, just some friendly advice- you should probably stay away from little kids too... And you most definitely deserve it for having a pony tail, we're not in the late 70s anymore boss. Just don't grow a mustache, as well. For your own safety.

sexysterlingarch 1

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Thursday 26 May 2011 15:51

uh yea that is suspicious op..

beccusmaximus 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 17:44

#16, you look snobby and dumb. Still like profiling?

lilf13rsc 4

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Thursday 26 May 2011 18:40

YDI for having a pony tail

chesneylovesty 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:35

baha! I agree(:

Reign_fml 3

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Thursday 26 May 2011 21:34

"a ponytail on a man says don't fuck with me, while pigtails on a man say here, hold these while you fuck me" -Daniel Tosh

lunaXXdennice 0

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Friday 27 May 2011 2:06

75- that is gross but funny OP you should probably just cut your hair although men with ponytails scare me o_O

emsiti 6

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Friday 27 May 2011 4:53

yes yes i do reaponce for 16

yeahbeinterested 0

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Friday 27 May 2011 5:38

hilarious!

woosah 16

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Friday 27 May 2011 7:22

Ya he got ya there. I mean you fit the profile ;)

NippsSlipps 10

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 14:25

I effing love Daniel tosh. And to all the haters out there for ponytails on men, na na na boo boo stick your head in doodoo I'm better than you

Natalie403 6

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Thursday 26 May 2011 8:44

Stereotypes xD

iSitt 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 9:23

ydi for having a pony tail. esp if you're balding in front.

metfanatic1986 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 14:44

because if some asshole would have shot off fireworks, you are gonna assume that male with a ponytail would have done it! so ydi for having a male ponytail

yougotapes 7

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Thursday 26 May 2011 17:59

time to snip that off

nicobington 1

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Friday 27 May 2011 0:15

and If u believe them then your brain is small like a korean penis (yourfavoritemartian)

Football_Man50 1

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Friday 27 May 2011 7:01

and if you believe them, then your brain is small like a korean penis.

EvilDoll 7

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Thursday 26 May 2011 8:44

so do trench coats and mustaches. you should avoid appearances with a social stigma if you don't like people being suspicious of you. or just don't hand around pre schools anymore. that would help too

the_ace1337 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 9:38

Trench coats are awesome! I wish I had one...

syki 22

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Thursday 26 May 2011 9:41

Dude, you look creepy enough as it is. Could be the evil red glow. :P

Mean_Mr_Mustard 9

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Thursday 26 May 2011 11:22

Red? I thought is was pink. I assumed he was gay and needed the trench coat to attend gay porno's without having to wear pants. You know, easy access. lol