NSFW

So romantic

By Anonymous - 16/05/2022 10:00

Spicy

Today, if I want to be sexually attracted to my wife, I need to be very drunk, but if I'm very drunk there's about a 2/3 chance I'll have whisky dick. Before you ask, we've been married over 40 years, so there's no point in divorcing, we've been together too long, so who else would want to shag us except each other? FML

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 1 415

Smash the patriarchy

By Anonymous - 19/04/2022 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend started avoiding going down on me ever since he found an ingrowing hair down there. The only reason I have an ingrowing hair is because he didn’t like my pubes, and stopped having sex with me at all until I shaved it off, thus causing the ingrowing hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 435

You deserved it 384

Evil plan

By Anonymous - 18/03/2022 00:01

Spicy

Today, I broke my ankle jumping from a second story window. Turns out, the person my girlfriend has saved in her phone as "Mom" is her very jealous and “estranged” husband, who apparently knew about me, and was waiting on the opportunity to catch us. She giggled as I jumped out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 359

You deserved it 382

Kittenblocked

By Anonymous - 04/03/2022 22:00

Spicy

Today, my husband has shown more love and affection to our new kitten in the last week than he has to me. That cat sits on his lap more than I do. I’m a 26 year-old woman, I have needs, dammit. The cat is literally sitting on and blocking access to what I want most on a Friday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 515

Lonesome tonight?

By sad and ugly - 31/12/2021 04:58

Spicy

Today, I really want to punch whoever says women have no problem getting laid. It’s been so long since I’ve felt the touch of another human, I actually considered hiring a male prostitute just so I can be in a man’s arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 649

You deserved it 428

Agony

By Ouch - 22/12/2021 22:59 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a guy I really liked. His testicle spontaneous turned inside his sack and he blacked out from the pain. He peed my bed, and I had to rush him to the ER so they could turn it back. Had to explain to his family and doctors what happened. It was my first time meeting them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 235

You deserved it 220

I wish!

By Anonymous - 17/09/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, my sister saw an empty bottle of squirty cream in my bedroom, and now her and my siblings keep teasing me about how I must have a really kinky sex life. Truth is, I ate the cream by myself with cake, chocolate and biscuits, because I was depressed about it actually being 2 years since I had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 278

You deserved it 284

To catch a predator

By not to blame - 07/09/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend’s family, whom I’ve known since I was in elementary school, now completely hate and blame me for "ruining their precious baby boy’s life." I'd called the police and reported him after finding out he cheated on me with not one, but several high school girls. We’re in our 30s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 378

You deserved it 267

All you need is hate

By Anonymous - 30/08/2021 09:01

Spicy

Today, I found out I only exist because my parents hated each other. They both worked in the same office and despised each other, until they had a hate-fuck in a storeroom after a blazing argument, resulting in me. I exist due to sex fuelled by hatred and lust. Yay me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 011

You deserved it 217

Not feeling it

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 03:59

Spicy

Today, it's the 11th time in a row my wife has promised sex, then backed out. Some were good valid reasons I’ll admit, but this time we got as far as naked dry-humping when she suddenly decided she was too upset about our cat dying 8 years ago, so instead she played on her phone until she fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 176

You deserved it 340

Wake up, boo

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 20:01

Spicy

Today, my daughter's school is furious because we were 3 hours late picking her up. My son, who was supposed to pick her up, apparently accidentally fell asleep after masturbating himself to exhaustion, which is why when we finally got home he was asleep with his pants down, porn still playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 657

You deserved it 295

Can't talk right now

By Anonymous - 03/07/2021 08:01 - Canada

Spicy

Today, while I was getting a blowjob from my girlfriend in the shower, my mom stood outside the door the whole time, asking me about my day. My girlfriend never stopped going, and my mom, who was unaware that my girl was with me in the shower, is now getting me tested for speech impairment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 693

You deserved it 711

One law for thee…

By Anonymous - 16/05/2021 22:00

Spicy

Today, I realized my mom is a big hypocrite for telling me sex is wrong and sinful outside marriage, because I just worked out from their marriage certificate my mom must have been pregnant with me in college, and I was born after they’d only been married for four weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 522

You deserved it 196

Hot pixels

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 16:59

Spicy

Today, after months of having my standards lowered by how unattractive guys' dating profiles are, I found myself masturbating to the yellow guy from Sin City. Yep. He's hot compared to my real options. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 707

Thanks for the pranks

By jellybeans - 21/03/2021 21:31

Spicy

Today, I've been sexting a mysterious guy from New Jersey. I was getting hot, so I decided to say, "I want you to be my first." Suddenly, my officemate who was two desks away from me waved her phone in hand and shouted, "You're a virgin?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 769

You deserved it 711

Technology hates humans

By Anonymous - 17/01/2021 11:01

Spicy

Today, I had the house to myself for the morning. I decided to enjoy being alone, so pulled my trusty bullet vibrator from the drawer. I was very much into it, loving the alone time and myself, and was on the edge of climax when my vibrator died. This brought me to tears, because all I wanted to do was be alone and masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 443

You deserved it 308

Fragility

By TooAccepting - 06/01/2021 14:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Spicy

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I'm pansexual. I said attracts what me to him is his intelligence and personality, and would still love him whether or not he had a penis. Turns out a 100% straight cis man can prioritise his penis over his intelligence and personality, because he's really offended now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 1 526

Denied

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Redmond

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, asked me over late at night. When I got there, she turned me around and kicked me out, because she "wasn’t feeling it." I’m 29 and still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 351

You deserved it 283

Snitch

By demonporn - 04/12/2020 11:01

Spicy

Today, I was riding home from church with my parents when my mom turned around and told me that this morning there was a demon in our living room, and the reason that demon was allowed inside of our house was because I've been watching porn. I'm grounded for 3 weeks because of an informative demon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 196

Bye bye love

By Anonymous - 04/10/2020 14:01

Spicy

Today, according to my emotionally distant boyfriend, stopping by a whorehouse on his way home several nights a week for a quick blowjob isn’t cheating, because it involves cash and no intimacy afterwards. Dumped his ass real quick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 970

You deserved it 208

Can't get no…

By Anonymous - 21/09/2020 10:05 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Spicy

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 305

Too much of a good thing

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 17:02

Spicy

Today, after my girlfriend warned me she has the condition hypersexuality and like a fool I thought I’d landed on my feet, or on my back as it were, do you have any idea how bad sex is when you have it between 5 and 10 times a day for over a year? It’s basically a chore at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 060

You deserved it 746

Who's there?

By messy jessy - 07/09/2020 20:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was on FaceTime with my sister. She remarked that my living room was a mess, and that she didn’t know how I kept a man with a place like that. I retorted, “He’s not with me for how well I can clean, when I can polish his knob like a marble floor!” I had no idea my dad was off camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 1 785

Noisy lover

By Foxy17 - 05/08/2020 05:01

Spicy

Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 788

You deserved it 169

Karma chameleon

By Douche - 31/07/2020 23:01

Spicy

Today, I flew from Texas to meet my new girlfriend's family in Georgia. Turns out her sister was a random hookup I had a year earlier on a business trip, she remembered me as the douchebag with premature ejaculation. Guess who’s flying home single? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 203

You deserved it 2 099

Let it all out

By Anonymous - 24/05/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, I had too much to eat at dinner. I had to cut sexy time with my husband short because I couldn't do it. I feel bad because it's his birthday today but we stopped. I then proceeded to throw up everything I ate today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568

You deserved it 674

What about me?

By crushed - 23/05/2020 02:00

Spicy

Today, my wife told me about an old boyfriend she had. She told me that they used to fool around, and that she’d give him blow jobs all the time. I never get any action like that from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 277

Caught red-handed

By Anonymous - 20/05/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, my husband walked in on me while I was masturbating and watching porn (yes women do it too). Now he thinks I’m unsatisfied with him or our sex life. All I wanted was a quick release. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 979

You deserved it 552

Spider-Maaaaaaan

By 8 Legs plus 1 - 08/05/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She went to the bathroom momentarily, only to be greeted by a 'huge' spider, which disappeared under a cabinet. Due to her chronic arachnophobia, this instantly turned her off and caused her paranoia all night. I essentially got cock-blocked by a spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 008

You deserved it 290

Freudian slip

By Anonymous - 23/04/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, I accidentally sent a very sexually explicit message to my online class because I thought I was typing in a different window. You can't delete messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 888

You deserved it 2 595

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FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend is sulking because he actually thought two weeks paternity leave was going to be our new baby sleeping 18 hours a day while he played his Xbox, and get paid not to go to work every day. He was wrong, it’s been three days, and he’s exhausted already and whining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 259

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 518

You deserved it 2 350

Random

Today, I received a phone call from the counselor at my son's preschool, requesting that I come pick him up. He was barking incessantly at his classmates. And when they asked him to stop, he growled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 711

You deserved it 3 656

Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 776

You deserved it 4 463

Today, my mother-in-law moved into my wife's two-bedroom apartment. She's quite possibly the reincarnation of Hitler himself, and she'll be staying until this time next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 644

You deserved it 2 505

Today, I was at my job in the Halloween store. I had to tell someone, "Please stop hitting the Bieber wig with that pimp cane." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 807

You deserved it 4 155

Today, I found out that my dad has been having an affair. With my formerly favorite teacher. The best part? Yesterday, she announced to the class that she was pregnant. I clapped and congratulated her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 779

You deserved it 2 539

Today, my sister will be giving birth to my niece any day now. She repeatedly insists on showing me her heavily pregnant belly. I don't know how to tell her that I find pregnancy bellies repulsive without sounding like a dick. I don't even know why this is. I just don't like them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 167