Too much of a good thing

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 17:02

Today, after my girlfriend warned me she has the condition hypersexuality and like a fool I thought I’d landed on my feet, or on my back as it were, do you have any idea how bad sex is when you have it between 5 and 10 times a day for over a year? It’s basically a chore at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 757

You deserved it 617

Good kid

Denied

Strange domestic arrangement

By Anonymous - 03/03/2012 03:05 - United States

Today, I was chatting to my brother on Skype. Out of the blue, and just as I read the punchline to a hilarious joke, he said his girlfriend had been cheating on him. I couldn't stifle my side-splitting laughter, and he's been ignoring my calls since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 807

You deserved it 9 968

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was driving in the left lane and was suddenly hit by a woman who was in the right lane. I ran off the road, taking out a fence and totaling my car. When the cops asked the woman what happened she responded, "My tom-tom told me to turn left." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 292

You deserved it 2 619

By ManInPain - 12/07/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 058

You deserved it 4 897

By Anonymous - 28/07/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I went on a group job interview, where all the applicants seem to have the same qualifications. When the interviewer dismissed all of us but the prettiest girl, outraged, I told him he was a prejudiced pig, and should be ashamed of himself. Apparently she was the only one who had a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 728

You deserved it 58 702

To each their own

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 18:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, taking a piss still gives me more pleasure than masturbation or sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 632

You deserved it 261

Shark Week

By sharkboy - 11/06/2012 02:33 - United States - Honolulu

Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 867

You deserved it 31 186

By French - 24/10/2013 12:52 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 659

You deserved it 4 664

By crybaby - 28/06/2016 17:54 - United States - Seattle

Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 613

You deserved it 813

By KarateKid76 - 05/12/2013 03:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend when all of a sudden he stops, grabs my breasts with both hands, makes circular motions with them, and yells, "Daniel-san! Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!", killing my orgasm dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 444

You deserved it 6 333

By raz - 02/10/2012 00:11 - United States - Fargo

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 458

You deserved it 2 621

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 17:35 - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 345

You deserved it 12 828

By ihncredible - 10/12/2012 23:32 - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 119

You deserved it 8 054

By Username - 18/02/2011 05:19

Today, I came home to a lease violation and a $220 fine after a routine pest control visit. The violation: my single beta fish in a small bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 402

You deserved it 4 938

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 06:09 - Australia

Today, I realised I haven't had a date in so long that I actually seriously considered meeting someone from online, purely based on the fact he could spell properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 922

You deserved it 4 265

By killmenow - 10/09/2012 17:52 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 232

You deserved it 77 311

By julichlove - 28/12/2014 00:52 - United States - Louisville

Today, I didn't feel like going to work, so I called in sick. Five hours later while out shopping, I got hit by a car at a crosswalk. Now I'm laid-up in the local hospital, really wishing I was with the guys at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 780

You deserved it 40 273

By guh - 31/08/2016 15:54 - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 658

You deserved it 4 237

By yum yogurt - 30/10/2011 20:15 - United States

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 334

You deserved it 17 090

By Good choice cat - 24/02/2014 19:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 636

You deserved it 4 498

By Anonymous - 08/08/2014 23:25 - Sweden - Sundsvall

Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 674

You deserved it 3 540

By Anonymous - 10/04/2013 09:06 - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 939

You deserved it 4 200

By WhatTheBleep - 09/04/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, I found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 365

You deserved it 3 522

Rock, hard place

By Anonymous - 12/08/2020 20:00

Today, I'm horny all the time, but my endurance in the sack is horrible. Why me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 273

You deserved it 387

Honesty is the best policy

By Anonymous - 19/06/2020 02:00

Today, I finally went on a date with a girl I've been talking to for 2 years. She is my dream girl, picture perfect and I love her with all my heart. So I asked her, half jokingly, if I was her dream guy. Her reply? "Don't ask me something you don't want to hear the answer of." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 346

You deserved it 1 164

By Anonymous - 07/04/2014 17:43 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 620

You deserved it 13 443

By help - 05/01/2015 18:52 - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I finally got a restraining order against my violent ex. My mom now keeps finding ways to tell me how shitty I am for breaking the "poor boy's" heart and how I didn't deserve him anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 937

You deserved it 2 789

By Kenton - 15/06/2019 00:14

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 522

You deserved it 148

Healing

By Manatee - 11/05/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 733

You deserved it 9 805

By vixenscars - 19/01/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I slipped on a banana peel in a store parking lot as I was getting out of my car. I landed on my ass. The cops that were parking behind me later informed me that I would be able to see the video on youtube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 561

You deserved it 2 468

By Anonymous - 30/05/2013 12:40 - Australia - Mooroolbark

Today, the doorbell rang. I saw my incredibly overbearing mum's car outside, so I stayed quiet and tried to sneak upstairs. As I crawled through the hallway, commando style, I realised the door blinds were still out for cleaning. If scowls could kill, I'd be roasting in Hell right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 097

You deserved it 10 969

Dating is hell

By Anonymous - 14/08/2021 17:00 - Turkey - Eskisehir

Today, I'd been talking to this girl for 3 months, and she finally agreed on a date. We got drinks and food, then she said, "I'm just going to the bathroom", then never came back, and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 103

Hot lava from both ends

By SickBoi - 30/03/2021 14:01 - United States - Cambridge

Today, I was suffering from food poisoning and had constant diarrhea, along with feeling nauseous. I couldn't hold my vomit in and rushed to the toilet, but due to the pressure, I pooped while still in pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 62

Weird, but OK

By awkward - 14/06/2021 19:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He says he can’t be with someone who doesn’t love his dog as much as he does. I told him that I have absolutely no problem with the dog being in the room, but it makes me uncomfortable when the dog is on the bed while we have sex. Apparently, that’s unreasonable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 200

You deserved it 100

By Anonymous - 19/08/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, seconds after my mom put my yorkie onto my bed, he threw up. His head was not fully over the bed itself, so the wet chunks fell straight into my backpack onto my new school books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 307

You deserved it 3 576

By Fauxgeek - 28/06/2016 01:29

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 317

You deserved it 3 361

By unluckiestperson - 29/08/2010 15:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my very expensive and beautiful smelling perfume attracts wasps. Whenever I go out, wherever I am, I am followed by multiple wasps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 690

You deserved it 6 246

It means us! Look at us!

By Squeak - 07/02/2017 19:00 - United States - Bremerton

Today, at work I put myself squarely in the lame / old people category when I foolishly asked out loud what FML meant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 677

You deserved it 1 582

By faceless_sailor8 - 31/08/2011 16:25 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 621

You deserved it 5 711

Fright Night

By mzgabbster - 24/10/2010 12:21 - United States

Today, I was having the most wonderful bath. The water was steaming, the bubbles were bubbly, and I was reading a really good book. I put my book down to yawn and looked to my right. My gaze was met by the lovely face of my brother's pet tarantula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 130

You deserved it 3 355

By calgarygal - 23/11/2016 02:53

Today, I found out the little blue thing that my roommate has been sterilizing by boiling in our shared coffee maker, is a menstrual cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 598

You deserved it 731

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Top comments

AmbrosiaFan 18

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Monday 14 September 2020 17:36

You CAN say no.

BDove 17

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Monday 14 September 2020 17:21

Time to invest in a toy chest lol. Or if you’re open to it, maybe it’d be best to open your relationship so she can split her “needs” between partners?

BDove 17

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Monday 14 September 2020 17:21

Time to invest in a toy chest lol. Or if you’re open to it, maybe it’d be best to open your relationship so she can split her “needs” between partners?

AmbrosiaFan 18

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Monday 14 September 2020 17:36

You CAN say no.

Brightside86 29

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Thursday 17 September 2020 7:06

You can, but if you do she will immediately start sleeping with your best friend. It's not her fault, just the way of things

myfakeacc 12

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Monday 14 September 2020 18:03

dude how do you organize so much. also must say you never know what you have until its gone

RichardPencil 30

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Monday 14 September 2020 19:27

I probably would have tapped out of tapping that after a few weeks.

I can't stand leg puns! 22

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Monday 14 September 2020 19:28

You know there are these wonderful inventions that look and feel like penises but are made of rubber and silicone. Perhaps she could invest in some.

Yolanda Patrice Evans 17

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Monday 14 September 2020 19:29

I’m not joking when I say this; she might need therapy

thefmlman2011 35

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Monday 14 September 2020 23:21

I agree! It could of been more from something traumatic in her childhood. I learnt that the hard way with someone I knew.

Rodville 28

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Monday 14 September 2020 20:15

When I was but a youngin’ an old man once imparted some wise words on me. Now I’m the old man I’ll let you all in on the secret. “Men think they want a woman with a high sex drive, until they date a woman with a high sex drive.”

TxKitten 8

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Monday 14 September 2020 22:15

There is the possibility that it's physical. There is a condition where a woman has too much pressure on her sec organs, and the only way to relieve it is to organize, andvthe relief is only VERY temporary. It may also be hormonal.

JasonThorn 18

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Tuesday 15 September 2020 2:52

This right here. Any situation that was featured on TALES FROM THE CRYPT is a classic "reality not living up to the fantasy" problem.

Susan Yee 9

Monday 14 September 2020 21:30

She needs a brain scan, hormone check and therapy.

jfigley 5

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Monday 14 September 2020 21:33

That would make me wonder, how many guys does she have on the side when she's not dating or have a boyfriend?? That would worry me. Thats pretty nuts tho, how do you have sex that many times a day? Do you or she not work? She also must want sex right after finishing or damn near close to it....might as well stay naked all day....