By jellybeans - 21/3/2021 21:31

Thanks for the pranks

Today, I've been sexting a mysterious guy from New Jersey. I was getting hot, so I decided to say, "I want you to be my first." Suddenly, my officemate who was two desks away from me waved her phone in hand and shouted, "You're a virgin?" FML

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Work

Understandable

Out of it

Late term

By anonymous - United States

Today, I had a note to skip P.E. that my grandpa had written because my mom was busy. His handwriting is terrible, so they didn't believe that he'd written it. I'd twisted my ankle and I got to run another mile for "lying". FML

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By DrtySnchez - United States - Statham

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML

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By MovingOut - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML

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38955

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By Johnny on the Spot - United States

Shit, dude

Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a playing test in orchestra, which I've pracriced over 30 hours for. After I played my part, which I thought I did very well, my teacher asked how much I had practice. Trying to show off, I said "Oh, just 30 minutes." My teacher said "It shows, that was terrible." She was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls." His response: "We don't." FML

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By Queen LaQueefah - United Kingdom - Chesterfield

I'll take what I can get

Today, my rarely-romantic boyfriend finally said "I love you". Too bad he was drunk, and was talking to my vagina. FML

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By mud - United States - Raleigh

Slippy!

Today, I was on my way to class and it was muddy outside, so I slipped and it looks like I shit myself. I'm wearing white pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Worcester

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

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By dantheman - United States

Today, I just got a new assignment for the moving company I work for. Two weeks ago my fiancé dumped me and I moved out of the house. Almost all of the furniture was mine and it took forever. The new moving assignment I have is moving her new boyfriend into my old house. FML

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By SaltIsReal

Today, after winning the first set for school tennis championship, the losing side refused to shake hands with my team. We ended up getting disqualified from the championship by the referee for bad conduct, even though it wasn't our fault. We told the referee what happened, and he said, "Suck it up." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 07:01 - Ireland

Deadbeat

Today, exactly a year after he ended our relationship days before our son's first Christmas and told me he would always be in mine and our sons lives, I learned my ex got a new girlfriend several months ago, who more than likely is the reason he stopped calling. FML

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By Anonymous

Headfucked

Today, after two weeks of migraines, my doctor informed me that bowel movements are one my triggers. This means every time I shit, I will have a headache. FML

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By dry spell - United States - Belfair

Today, my mom stole the condoms out of my room and gave them to my little brother because I "won't be needing them anytime soon". FML

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By yourebeautiful - United States

Today, my mom took my cell to work with her. When she got home later, she scolded me for not answering her calls. When I pointed out that she'd taken it, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

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By Devil's Pigeon

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

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4173

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By LonelyOtter

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

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By Uh oh....

Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML

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By constantine - United States

Today, I wanted to go clubbing with my friends. I started drinking at home to save on the price of drinks, instead I fell asleep on my couch. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML

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By catsonuincorns - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 04:58

Impressive

Today, a small fly was harassing my face, then it landed on a book next to me. I waved at it to make it leave, but it didn't. I got my fingers closer to it, to scare it off. Instead, it jumped on my finger as a playful parrot pet, spent a moment there, and flew off. I cannot even intimidate a fly. FML

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By megangubler - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

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By Dana - United States

Today, it was very windy and snowy and the neighborhoods garbage cans were blowing everywhere. I had already brought mine in and I saw my neighbor's being blown away. Thinking I'd be nice, I went out to pick it up. Just before I could however, the wind smashed it into me and I fell on the ice. FML

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By suckstobeme - United States

Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying "Will you marry me?", she answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went to write "Happy Bday, I Love You" on my girlfriend's car windows to surprise her when she woke up. I was the one who got the surprise when I saw her, in her backseat, having sex. FML

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By sosad

Today, I was told that I will never be able to have children. Thankfully for my husband, his girlfriend sure can. FML

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53313

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By anonymous - United States - San Angelo

Fast food dinner

Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML

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2110

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss stopped mid-walk during a conversation about the humidity in our office, after I told him I didn't like the air conditioner on, because I'd rather not be cold and wet, and that I liked it warm and sticky. I knew then he was no longer thinking about the AC. FML

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By 16590 - Sweden

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified: me or him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to file for bankruptcy because my ex-wife didn't want to pay for the house she didn't want me to have in the divorce, and didn't bother to have my name removed from the loan before she filed bankruptcy herself. FML

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By extra crispy or original recipe - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I have Hello Kitty band-aids on my nips because I dozed off while tanning and burned them extra crispy. FML

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By ICallBullshxt

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

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By christian9294 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying I was immature for making gay jokes all the time. A few hours later, I got six texts and three calls from guys I didn't know. It turns out, she put my name and number on Craigslist as a gay man seeking a relationship. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I wasn't feeling too good, and took my temperature. I had a fever, which I told my boyfriend who was laughing hysterically when I told him. I asked him what was so funny, turns out he's been using the thermometer to take our dog's temperature sometimes. Rectally, of course. FML

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By Antoine Karam

Today, I was invited to an engagement. My crush is getting engaged next month to a man she told me she hated. FML

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1642

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219

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By Malakai - United States

Today, while in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

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By sneezeattack - United States - Aurora

Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML

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By PandaSuicide

Today, I jokingly told my die-hard Laker fan dad that I converted to become a Celtics fan. He responded, "Get out of my car." I'm currently sitting on a sidewalk, trying to convince him it was a joke. FML

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Top comments

By cuz803 | 39

#7980349 - Sunday 21 March 2021 22:43

Sexting is a dangerous gamble alone. Even with a spouse. Doing it with a mysterious stranger is just plain ridiculous. Hope you're not the victim of revenge porn but you had it 'coming'.

By rainbowdonnareed | 17

#7980410 - Monday 22 March 2021 6:07

How long had you been sexting this person? No actual phone calls? Just some random person and you want to lose your virginity to? Seriously?!
Have you never seen any crime show?

COMMENTS

By cuz803 | 39

#7980349 - Sunday 21 March 2021 22:43

Sexting is a dangerous gamble alone. Even with a spouse. Doing it with a mysterious stranger is just plain ridiculous. Hope you're not the victim of revenge porn but you had it 'coming'.

mayaklast | 12

#7980462 - Monday 22 March 2021 10:07

No, she hadn't. Being naive doesn't put the responsability on the victim. It's her coworker's fault and nothing excuses what she's done even though sexting a mysterious stranger is not the brightest of ideas.

By Nhayaa2.0 | 11

#7980405 - Monday 22 March 2021 5:29

Where is Nev when you need him?

By rainbowdonnareed | 17

#7980410 - Monday 22 March 2021 6:07

How long had you been sexting this person? No actual phone calls? Just some random person and you want to lose your virginity to? Seriously?!
Have you never seen any crime show?

By giraffe_poop | 8

#7980422 - Monday 22 March 2021 7:52

Get some self esteem.

By mayaklast | 12

#7980460 - Monday 22 March 2021 10:05

Are you working in a kindergarten? Your coworker is a moron, but you probably should stop sending compromising messages to strangers... you can't trust anyone, a lot of people are deeply stupid and really quite awful.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7980557 - Monday 22 March 2021 17:58

Don't go sexting people based on photos alone. And now that you've learned this lesson, smack your co-worker for catfishing you.

By Billie-Jo | 9

#7980566 - Monday 22 March 2021 18:09

Work isn't the place for that.

By bobsanction | 16

#7980715 - Tuesday 23 March 2021 5:10

Just think of the big pile of money you'll get from the sexual harassment lawsuit you file.