Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML
Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML
Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML
Today, I'm sat at home alone on a Friday night, watching a documentary online about decomposing elephants. FML
Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML
Today, I woke up early to prepare for my graduation party. I'd invited the entire graduating class of 2011, and tons of people confirmed that they were going to come. Two hours after the time I'd told everyone to show up, I'm still the only one here. FML
Today, I spent a full hour working on my British accent. FML
Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML
Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML
Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML
Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML
Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML
Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML
Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML
Today, I was arrested for carrying a dangerous weapon. I was on my way home from the shop where I'd bought a new kitchen knife. FML
Today, I really had to go to the bathroom. Due to my fear of public restrooms, I made sure it was clear before I started. I heard someone sigh halfway through. Embarrassed, I waited a full ten minutes before leaving the stall, only to see that it was only the automatic air freshener. FML
Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML
Today, my grandmother's graduation presents came for my sisters. Not only did she remember to send them cards, but money too. My graduation was a year ago, I received nothing, and last time she saw me, she didn't know my name. FML
Chicharon tells us more.
This is my family. For your kind, understanding people, thanks, but she doesn't have Alzheimer's, she's just crazy, and she really didn't remember my name, but she had it down pretty good when she found out I work in an antique store and could get 50% off, and I'm 19, a little late for birthdays, she's my dad's mom, doesn't like my mom, and I look like my mom. All of my siblings are tan and brown eyed, I'm pale ad green eyed. She never liked me much. It's okay though, ha-ha, it's pretty mutual. I'm glad she moved to the other side of the country when I was little.
Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend, "Actually, it's a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML
Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML
Today, I was at my friend's house, and I asked if I could try on one of her dresses. It was a little snug, but I got it on. When it came time to take it off though, it wouldn't budge. My friend and her mom had to cut it off me. FML
Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML
Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML
Today, I found cigarette butts at the bottom of the toaster. My mother has been dropping them in there for I don't know how long. FML
Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML
Today, I was swimming at the water park, when out of nowhere a lifeguard bombed into the pool, grabbed me, and hauled me to the surface, running his hands over my chest in the process. Apparently, the way I swim makes it look like I'm in my drowning death throes. FML
Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML
Today, my new iPhone was stolen from my school locker. After canceling my service, sobbing, having my mom yell at the secretary for their lack of security and finally agreeing to change to a private school, I found it in the corner of my locker. FML
Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML
Today, I was under a building overhang to avoid getting drenched by the rain while waiting for the bus. Apparently that corner is notorious for drug dealing, I found this out when a man angrily demanded his drugs and chased me half a block. FML
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