Animals: Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the...

By Anonymous - 06/01/2016 06:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 049

You deserved it 2 145

Animals

Overreaction much?

FOOTBALL player reveals TRUTH!

Judgmental

By iJehx - 13/07/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I had to clean my walls with those Mr Clean Magic Sponges because we were having visitors. I got bored and started drawing penises with it because they would leave wet marks. There is nothing magic about how slow they dry when your visitors come an hour early. They saw all ten of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 422

You deserved it 65 847

Getting some action

By hugadyle - 18/04/2020 14:00

Today, I took a trip to the library's public computer section to get some important work done. After a bit of work, I went to stretch only to see that the man next to me was watching some adult films on his computer and discreetly touching himself. I still had 58 minutes of computer time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 149

By Anonymous - 11/06/2012 20:30 - United States

Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 470

You deserved it 2 762

By facepalm - 12/09/2011 08:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that a tornado is not the same thing as a hurricane. I couldn't convince him, and he still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 071

You deserved it 3 793

By Somethingtoworryabout - 26/10/2018 22:00

Today, I couldn't help but laugh at my girlfriend because she always becomes paranoid when she's around cars. I found her reaction cute and told her that "there's nothing to worry about". A car ran over me two hours later. I'm in a hospital now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 595

You deserved it 785

By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, I sat right next to the door on the bus. When I went to get up, a man tripped and pushed me down the exit door stairs. I fell down and legitimately broke my ankle. While tending to my ankle, the bus doors closed and my backpack with my laptop, notes and calculator drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 804

You deserved it 2 359

By idontmakethedresscode - 23/10/2015 08:17 - United States - Napa

Today, my classmate went into rage mode and cursed at me, complaining how it's so unfair that I'm allowed to wear a hijab in class but she isn't allowed to wear a Flamingo hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 886

You deserved it 6 401

Workers of the world unite

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 20:01

Today, my initial unemployment benefits ran out. Yesterday, the extended benefits ran out for my entire state too, so I'll see $0 assistance. But it could be worse, they're also taking back 7 million $ from extended benefits receivers, so at least I'm not having money taken away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 719

You deserved it 113

By nottililgirl - 04/09/2009 03:24 - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 995

You deserved it 44 024

Plumbed out

By MariosNightmare - 18/12/2020 07:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, what should've been a five-minute job replacing a drain turned into a 2 hour ordeal just to remove the old one. The original part was put in incorrectly, so whoever did it used a full tube of silicone to make it watertight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 48

Christmas pictures

By Anonymous - 20/12/2019 20:00

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, wearing just a Santa hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 776

You deserved it 293

By lily_marleen - 24/10/2016 12:58 - United States

Today, we have a fruit fly infestation again because my roommate keeps buying fruit and letting it rot on the counter. Despite the moldy fruit being covered in flies, she insists it's my fault because I left an empty bottle of beer out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 072

You deserved it 687

By Anonymous - 09/03/2016 13:52 - Madagascar

Today, nearly six months later, my incompetent, lazy coworker still refuses to believe I didn't screw my way to the promotion both of us were competing for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 634

You deserved it 1 446

Betrayal

By Anonymous - 12/07/2021 08:01

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sexting my friend for about a month. I've already paid for our wedding, which was supposed to be next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 257

You deserved it 86

TW: Gross

By mpfrost153 - 01/11/2021 12:00 - United States

Today, as if having diarrhea at work wasn’t bad enough, my office’s aggressively flushing toilet sprayed me with my own liquid shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 014

You deserved it 95

Freak out

By Brooke - 09/08/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 906

You deserved it 56 984

By Anonymous - 27/06/2019 16:34

Today, my 7-year-old learned "Smoke Weed Everyday" from YouTube, and has repeated it so many times that I'm now singing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 341

You deserved it 421

By Anonymous - 28/03/2014 20:30 - United States - Randallstown

Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 773

You deserved it 5 273

By cogu - 03/02/2010 19:34 - France

Today, I realized my girlfriend has more hair on her abdomen than I have on mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 141

You deserved it 6 521

PUA

By Anonymous - 13/03/2016 16:16 - United States - Smyrna

Today, while jogging in the park, a confused elderly gentleman asked me for directions, so I told him how to get to where he needed to go. He paused for a long moment, then asked me if he could eat me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 221

You deserved it 2 211

Awks

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 21:23 - United States - Plaquemine

Today, I showed up at my brother's house for a visit. Little did I know, there was a family gathering. My best friend was invited and I wasn't. She's "more fun and less awkward" than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 903

You deserved it 3 496

Drunk hookup ends with a… bang

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 12:00

Today, I woke myself up by farting in my sleep, only to realize that the guy I'd brought home from the bar was still next to me. He was awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 421

You deserved it 520

Vicious and unprovoked

By Anonymous - 12/07/2020 05:01

Today, while I was playing football with a friend, my sister wanted to join in. She was messing around with the ball at the start, then suddenly she kicked the ball through my legs, pulled my shorts down and kneed me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 438

You deserved it 172

By Anonymous - 18/09/2015 21:14 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 439

You deserved it 1 966

By lonely - 12/04/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses were at my door. Normally I don't give them the time of day, but I was so lonely for company, I let them in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 015

You deserved it 7 725

By anonymous - 24/12/2014 23:56 - United States

Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 942

You deserved it 3 968

By Anonymous - 24/04/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, it is both my birthday and Easter. My whole family came into town and my mom made a big dinner with all of my favorite foods. After church, I took a nap. When I woke up, all the food, including my cake, was gone. No one thought to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 365

You deserved it 6 847

By Bobsaget00 - 04/08/2011 10:19 - United States

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 829

You deserved it 50 480

By Idk - 12/12/2018 08:00 - United States - Wilton

Today at work I had recieved a lot of phone calls. I thought maybe it was a scammer line because I never recieve calls. Turns out my phone number was a character's same number in a TV Show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 590

You deserved it 159

It's up there somewhere

By Anonymous - 15/09/2021 06:57 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, it was the first time my fiancé and I have been able to have sex in the daytime for ages. We have 2 kids under 2 who take up most of our time, so when we had the opportunity, we grabbed a condom and pounced. Everything was going well until he pulled out… and left the condom inside. Now we can’t find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 279

You deserved it 179

By pissedoffandon - 06/05/2009 14:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking a piss at the urinal when a fly started buzzing around my head. It started getting in my face, so I tried to swat it away. After about 10 seconds of intense swatting, I looked down to find I had pissed all over my shoes and down the front of my trousers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 909

You deserved it 61 699

By kill the audience - 10/11/2016 17:51 - United States - Lewes

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 375

You deserved it 1 978

By what the fuck - 25/08/2013 19:28 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, a customer spent ages bitching me out, because he refused to believe he needed to upgrade his computer, which still runs Windows 98, in order to install a modern game for his grandson. He ended up calling my manager and trying to get me fired for scamming him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 324

You deserved it 2 707

By still single - 06/08/2015 01:22 - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 609

You deserved it 3 005

A+ for Effort

By Anonymous - 14/02/2017 22:40 - United States - Monroe

Today, being Valentine's Day, I went all out for my wife with flowers, a candlelit dinner, and tickets to a broadway show. The flowers arrived dead, the dinner sucked, and my wife hated the show. Afterwards, I tried to be intimate, but apparently I smelled like a shart trapped in a pant leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 939

You deserved it 727

By Anonymous - 08/04/2012 18:55 - United States - Perris

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 857

You deserved it 5 181

By omgstfuplz - 16/09/2009 08:38 - United States

Today, I was arguing with one of my professors. She said that all married couples fight and I told her that my parents have never argued or fought about anything. When I got home my parents told me that they're getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 942

You deserved it 13 413

By great. - 02/01/2013 18:59

Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 888

You deserved it 3 542

By sadgf - 29/03/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling on bed watching tv. He gets up at one point and turns the light off and I asked him why. He said "You look better in the dark". FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 832

You deserved it 6 020

By corfan01 - 05/10/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 649

You deserved it 2 351

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irishmaiden78 23

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

I would venture to say it was your cats anal glands. They may be full or he's expressing them to mark you and your bed as his. My cat does it occasionally and he also does it when he's nervous. Lovely smell....

Yimpish 15

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

Shart in its bed to get back at it

momo3p 22

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:10

That's a shitty situation

FujisakiChihiro 24

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:23

Please don't.

The12thPaladin 8

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:08

overused jokes stopped being funny a while ago

Kevin_Kestel 24

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:59

pointless comments also got annoying a while ago ^

False_Stupidity 41

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:48

What a waste of a perfectly good 1st comment.

lurker_no_more 13

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Thursday 7 January 2016 1:15

You've got to admire their tenacity though.. there seems to be no end of willing sacrifices on the altar of down votes.

mds9986 24

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Thursday 7 January 2016 9:12

It's because downvotes don't mean anything. I bet people would stop of there was a score on their profile.

syki 22

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:11

Is that better or worse Ghana decomposing "gift?"

syki 22

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:12

*than a. Can't correct this on the app, also, wtf autocorrect???

firefighter925 18

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:15

You can correct it, it just gives you 2 minutes to do it.

syki 22

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

Not on my app for some reason. I don't know why. :(

Jowisee 29

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:54

Not sure why you're being down voted, I can't edit my comments afterwards either .

SuperLemon99 9

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

That ended cat-astrophically.

chuka81 27

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:38

Every time there's a cat FML, someone says this.

ohSNAPyall 26

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 21:07

Cat-ass-trophically?

fmlperson8264 16

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:55

Soon people will start getting downvotes for making this pun on every cat FML.

Yimpish 15

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

Shart in its bed to get back at it

firefighter925 18

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:14

Sounds like it's sick.

smackaroonial 20

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:15

You shartn't have let your cat in your bed.

SuperLemon99 9

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

bro that was the worst pun I've ever seen.

smackaroonial 20

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:28

I know, isn't it great?

liv1222 29

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:26

No, he just said it was the worst.

higgysaurus 18

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:50

A for effort though

freddygasman 18

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Thursday 7 January 2016 9:48

No, higgysaurus, actually "e" is for effort.

irishmaiden78 23

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

niiickk_ 7

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Thursday 7 January 2016 5:18

anal leakage

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:17

Today my human was so tired he tried to sleep in my litter box. So I marked my territory, then he got mad at me! FML

loueasy 23

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:21

He's a little pussy

AndyPurdy 31

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Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:35

Oh shit

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 548

You deserved it 72

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 652

You deserved it 138

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