Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the...

By Anonymous - 6/1/2016 06:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

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Animals

Big baby man

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By jerk_ex_boyfriend - 21/4/2013 13:33 - United States - Narberth

Today, I overheard my boyfriend talking to his mom about me. It sounded like they were planning something for me, like a marriage. They were planning how to break up with me. FML

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By synyster505 - 19/12/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I saw my neighbor drag it to his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It's now gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2014 06:44 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

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By WorkerBee - 17/3/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By Vlad - 21/11/2018 13:30

Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML

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By imanidiot - 3/3/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I was sitting in traffic for about an hour. I've heard stories about people doing the dirty in their cars and I never do anything risky so I thought, why not, I'll be here a while, no one can see me: I'll masturbate. Midway through I hear a tap on my driver's window. Its a police officer. FML

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By LadyGrey - 27/1/2015 11:45

Today, returning home from a party, I realised I'd forgotten my keys. My roommate was sleeping so soundly that after an hour of throwing gravel and ringing the doorbell, I had to give up and get a room at the hotel over the road. For €85 I had a view of my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2014 18:59 - United States - Deatsville

Today, my boss is still refusing to fire my psychotic coworker, who's made it his mission to insult, annoy, bully and threaten me every day into making me quit. My boss is convinced the guy just has "assburger's" and that the company would get sued if we fired him. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2014 22:45 - United States - Traverse City

Today, I found out my girlfriend and all of our friends have begun referring to the time I was meant to lose my virginity, but couldn't get hard, as the "cheese stick incident." They all think it's hilarious, and the worst part is that it's actually a pretty appropriate description. FML

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By Frazzled - 10/4/2011 10:59 - United States

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 00:05

Today, I was seeing my boyfriend for the first time in 3 weeks. I was so excited to see him that I gave him a big hug. He must have been excited to see me too, because he hugged me so tight that he squeezed a fart out of me. FML

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By mustache girl - 27/5/2013 23:10 - Canada - Magog

Today, I waxed my upper lip hair. My boyfriend later told me that he missed my mustache rubbing onto his. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2015 13:46

Today, my dad gave my younger brother condoms and a pat on the back, even though he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is after called me a whore after he saw me kissing my long-term boyfriend last week. FML

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By moneycatious - 19/3/2012 23:50 - United States - Seattle

Today, I gave my husband an expensive watch. The first words out of his mouth were, "You didn't use our joint bank account for this, right?" He then asked if I still had the receipt. FML

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By faza4327 - 6/4/2011 07:43 - Australia

Today, I was on my way home on my bike when a lady in a 4WD cut me off while beeping her horn and calling me a "stupid f**ker who should get a proper education." In her car, she was smoking, and her three children weren't wearing seat belts. FML

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By Hoover - 1/12/2018 03:00

Today, my parents brought me to the doctor because I was faking a headache. One thing led to another, and it turns out I have a tumor pressing against my spine. FML

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By lizzardbreath - 31/3/2009 10:44 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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By hitlerfish - 14/3/2017 22:00

Today, while meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time, the first comment I received was, "Well, at least this one is white." FML

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By hellosir - 27/3/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, while at my dorm, I experienced a vomit-inducing migraine. In my hurry to get to the bathroom to puke, I couldn't find a pair of shoes. I urgently needed the toilet, so I braved the communal bathroom barefoot. As I opened the stall door, I stepped in someone else's fresh vomit. FML

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By YahItsMe94 - 25/6/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, was my first day back at work since my wife got breast cancer. I come in and see some people with pink slips and frowns. When I get to my desk I find a pink slip, I go up to my boss and start to curse him out for firing me. Only to find out my pink slip was a fundraiser for my wife. FML

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By GMD - 18/9/2012 20:20 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, my daughter and her boyfriend excitedly told me that after months of trying they are finally pregnant and that I'm going to be a grandmother. This would be great news if they weren't 15. FML

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By StrawHatBill - 13/2/2015 14:54 - United States

Today, I found out that honestly answering "yes" to "Are Kate Upton's boobs bigger than mine?" is in my girlfriend's mind the equivalent of saying I don't find her attractive anymore and that I want to break up with her to date a supermodel. FML

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By Matthew - 16/6/2017 22:00 - United States - Largo

Today, after working at my summer job for 3 weeks, I was informed that I was too young to work there. I had contacted them 3 months prior and had given them my birthdate multiple times. I had also attended a special training in their corporate HQ, which I drove 7 hours both ways to get to. FML

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By Dumped - 6/4/2017 14:00

Today, at work, I went to place a small item on a shelf. The shelf fell on me, trapping my hand. While lifting it, the top shelf fell against my chest and the products all dumped on my face. I then realized the shelves were only held up by zip ties. FML

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By analbel - 5/11/2018 12:00

Today, I had to get a urine analysis done for my doctor. I take medicine that makes me a little shaky sometimes. Guess who spilled their pee all over themselves while trying to put the lid on. FML

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By and he wonders why I'm anxious - 25/2/2016 22:41 - Netherlands

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

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By VoodooPriestess - 4/7/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

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By burnnotice - 19/9/2009 14:10 - United States

Today, I was trying to turn on my computer and couldn't. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what was wrong when I finally called my husband for help and made him leave work. He came in, looked at the wall, and plugged it back in. The look on his face said it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2013 20:01 - United States - Danbury

Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML

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By Catholicguy - 20/12/2009 08:14 - United States

Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML

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By FarewellRalphs - 24/5/2017 20:00

Today, I went grocery shopping with my grandmother. Our bagger offered to help load our groceries, to which my grandmother replied, "Oh, what a nice young colored boy." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 14:00

Sharing is caring

Today, nine months after changing my entire life when my father had a stroke and I became his carer full time, I called my sister to talk about some his irrational behavior. All I got in response was, "I just watched a sad movie, I can't deal with this right now." FML

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By unnamed - 26/7/2011 03:19 - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

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By anonymouss - 24/5/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches in my head. I texted all my contacts to let them know I was in the hospital. I got back one response that said "bitch got what you deserve" it was from my cousin. No one else ever texted me back. FML

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By WelcomeWagon - 28/6/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, I unpacked in my new, non-air conditioned apartment wearing nothing but underwear, a tank top and an apron to stay cool. Later, I realized I'd crossed through the complex to my car and the dumpster many times, and arranged my deck overlooking the parking lot, without ever donning shorts. FML

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By BagBoy - 13/11/2013 06:42 - United States

Today, I was taking out a customer's groceries when he offered me a $5 tip. I told him I couldn't accept, since it's against store policy, but thanked him anyway. He called me an asshole just as my boss was walking to his car, who then yelled at me for it. FML

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By sad as shit - 1/1/2016 00:41 - United States - Conway

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2013 00:13 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, I was at the airport when I saw a woman drop her bags and run to her husband. Thinking that someone might steal them, I picked up her bags and brought them over to her. She thanked me by slapping me, calling me a bitch and calling security. FML

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By Sammylad - 7/9/2011 22:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML

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Top comments

By irishmaiden78 | 23

#6503369 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

I would venture to say it was your cats anal glands. They may be full or he's expressing them to mark you and your bed as his. My cat does it occasionally and he also does it when he's nervous. Lovely smell....

By Yimpish | 15

#6503365 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

Shart in its bed to get back at it

Comments

By momo3p | 22

#6503361 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:10

That's a shitty situation

FujisakiChihiro | 24

#6503417 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:23

Please don't.

The12thPaladin | 8

#6503456 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:08

overused jokes stopped being funny a while ago

Kevin_Kestel | 24

#6503475 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:59

pointless comments also got annoying a while ago ^

False_Stupidity | 41

#6503569 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:48

What a waste of a perfectly good 1st comment.

lurker_no_more | 13

#6503673 - Thursday 7 January 2016 1:15

You've got to admire their tenacity though.. there seems to be no end of willing sacrifices on the altar of down votes.

mds9986 | 24

#6503918 - Thursday 7 January 2016 9:12

It's because downvotes don't mean anything. I bet people would stop of there was a score on their profile.

By syki | 22

#6503362 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:11

Is that better or worse Ghana decomposing "gift?"

syki | 22

#6503363 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:12

*than a. Can't correct this on the app, also, wtf autocorrect???

firefighter925 | 18

#6503368 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:15

You can correct it, it just gives you 2 minutes to do it.

syki | 22

#6503371 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

Not on my app for some reason. I don't know why. :(

Jowisee | 29

#6503572 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:54

Not sure why you're being down voted, I can't edit my comments afterwards either .

By SuperLemon99 | 9

#6503364 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

That ended cat-astrophically.

chuka81 | 27

#6503467 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:38

Every time there's a cat FML, someone says this.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6503479 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 21:07

Cat-ass-trophically?

fmlperson8264 | 16

#6503574 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:55

Soon people will start getting downvotes for making this pun on every cat FML.

By Yimpish | 15

#6503365 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

Shart in its bed to get back at it

By firefighter925 | 18

#6503366 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:14

Sounds like it's sick.

By smackaroonial | 20

#6503367 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:15

You shartn't have let your cat in your bed.

SuperLemon99 | 9

#6503370 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

bro that was the worst pun I've ever seen.

smackaroonial | 20

#6503388 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:28

I know, isn't it great?

liv1222 | 29

#6503424 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:26

No, he just said it was the worst.

higgysaurus | 18

#6503440 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:50

A for effort though

freddygasman | 18

#6503927 - Thursday 7 January 2016 9:48

No, higgysaurus, actually "e" is for effort.

By irishmaiden78 | 23

#6503369 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

niiickk_ | 7

#6503833 - Thursday 7 January 2016 5:18

anal leakage

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6503374 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:17

Today my human was so tired he tried to sleep in my litter box. So I marked my territory, then he got mad at me! FML

By loueasy | 23

#6503381 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:21

He's a little pussy

By AndyPurdy | 31

#6503392 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:35

Oh shit