Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the...

By Anonymous - 6/1/2016 06:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

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Animals

Tense

Workaholic

Bad news

By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 16:22 - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

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By Goodtimes - 1/10/2019 20:01

Trust

Today, I had to dump my girlfriend because of tons of trust issues that kept reappearing. Shortly afterwards, my credit card disappeared and I got to experience my first identity theft. All within 24 hours. FML

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By Noname - 17/2/2009 08:30 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

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By Pandathepilot - 10/11/2017 15:00

Say hello to my plastic friend!

Today, my principal made me visit "anti-violence" classes because I had a picture of me threatening a man with a gun on my Facebook page. It was taken during the school play, where I was acting as a gangster and the gun was just a toy. The principal saw the play. FML

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By coloring is not for me - 10/11/2015 05:52 - United States

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

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By waiterrrrrrrrr - 2/8/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was working my shift at a fancy restaurant and it had been a really hard day. My parents came in to have dinner and surprise me. After paying, they left a note saying they would see me at home. It also said "By the way, no tip, because you stink at serving." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 05:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom after he had been in there awhile. I found him with his pants down, looking at a pimple on his butt in the mirror. He asked me for "help". FML

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By fatty - 17/11/2014 21:05 - United States - Gloucester

Today, my parents gave me fat burner pills for my birthday. FML

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By MR - 10/3/2010 18:37 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided to teach me a lesson about carelessly leaving my wallet about. She left it on the floor so our puppy could use it and its contents as a chew toy. I was almost impressed to discover that he can eat three £20 notes and still have room for debit cards. FML

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By MoreThenFriends - 16/8/2018 22:00

Rachel! Emily!

Today, my friend's father got me mixed up with his new wife when telling stories for his wedding speech. Everyone noticed. The new wife was not pleased. FML

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By minissaussette - 8/4/2016 23:39 - France - Cergy

Today, my 4-year-old brother has a very strict 8:30 PM bedtime. Since I would have to walk past his door to get to the rest of the house, I'm not allowed to leave my room past that time, lest I tempt him to get up too. I can't even go to the bathroom. FML

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By anonymouss - 21/9/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

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By constantine - 4/2/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML

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By JuicyJohn - 9/9/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

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By anonymous - 31/10/2011 19:11 - United States

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

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By and not even in the good way - 30/3/2014 20:36 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to smack my daughter's head gently with a balloon. It hit her hair clip and exploded. She won't stop crying, and my wife will be home any minute. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 23:12 - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

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By again? - 15/3/2016 10:03 - United States - Olympia

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, I noticed that instead of looking at me, he was admiring himself in the mirror. FML

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By Yupppp. - 11/2/2015 06:25 - United States - Flushing

Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 02:46 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I woke up thinking my house was on fire because I could hear crackling flames downstairs. I panicked and tripped out of bed. It was the fireplace channel I left on last night so I could wake up to a Christmas ambiance. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2011 03:48 - United States

Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

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By Sarah - 12/6/2012 16:59 - United States - Pipersville

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street with my acoustic guitar on my back. I saw a girl that I like coming down the opposite way, so I decided to play my guitar to try and impress her. I started to tune it quickly, but while I wasn't paying attention, I ran into a pole. Now my guitar is cracked. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2017 15:00

Today, after 4 years of college to get a BA in Marketing and 2 years to get an MBA, I landed a great job as a receptionist. My boss likes to fist bump when I buzz him through the security door correctly. FML

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By poop - 6/2/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

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By revenueempire - 9/12/2016 21:48

Today, a client says his new website design isn't what he expected at all and wants a full refund or else he will sue me in court. The design is exactly what he picked out when I presented the mock-ups. FML

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By hopeless-.- - 29/8/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in to kiss me. Being sweaty and nasty, I said "Not now, I'm hot and sweaty." He looked at me blankly and said "So am I, just smell my ball sweat." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 20:00

Today, we'd booked a spot for 20 people for my grandma's birthday. Turns out the reservation didn't go through. Now 20 people are waiting inside and outside for a group of old people to finish eating. They just barely got their food. FML

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By Toothy_Peg - 13/6/2009 15:13 - Australia

Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML

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By crystalpistol - 16/8/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

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By dontaskdonttell - 24/4/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I was closing the deal on this beautiful $200k ranch in the country. The buyer soon pulls up and we get to discussing the contract terms, soon the buyer asks the seller," Wow why is this house going so cheap?" The seller replies, "Do you believe in ghosts?" There goes my $8,000 commission. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2009 12:11 - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML

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By slightlyfamous - 17/1/2016 13:59 - Canada - Port-menier

Today, my dick of a roommate was moving out. She didn't actually tell us she was moving out and took the wifi, modem and all, while my other roommate was on a Skype call and I was watching a show. All with no warning. It's Saturday, I have an online assignment due Sunday. FML

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By wantsleep - 28/12/2016 08:25

Today, my boss continues to think it's appropriate to send me whining texts about work at midnight. Or 4 a.m. I think his complaints about not selling as much candy as he expected can wait till work hours. FML

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By Anonymus - 31/1/2020 20:00 - Canada - Warkworth

Money first

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

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By JudasThePriest - 1/12/2013 07:42 - United States - Greensboro

Today, while delivering pizzas, someone ordered $19.41 in pizza and wings. After finally finding her appartment, she paid me in two sandwich bags full of pennies and nickels. I had to count them out before giving her the pizza. We aren't allowed to enter the residence, and it was 22 degrees. FML

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By bigbill - 3/8/2011 04:45 - Canada

Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML

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By WhyGod - 10/12/2016 15:21

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

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By Shantoya - 17/1/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

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Top comments

By irishmaiden78 | 23

#6503369 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

I would venture to say it was your cats anal glands. They may be full or he's expressing them to mark you and your bed as his. My cat does it occasionally and he also does it when he's nervous. Lovely smell....

By Yimpish | 15

#6503365 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

Shart in its bed to get back at it

COMMENTS

By momo3p | 22

#6503361 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:10

That's a shitty situation

FujisakiChihiro | 24

#6503417 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:23

Please don't.

The12thPaladin | 8

#6503456 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:08

overused jokes stopped being funny a while ago

Kevin_Kestel | 24

#6503475 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:59

pointless comments also got annoying a while ago ^

False_Stupidity | 41

#6503569 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:48

What a waste of a perfectly good 1st comment.

lurker_no_more | 13

#6503673 - Thursday 7 January 2016 1:15

You've got to admire their tenacity though.. there seems to be no end of willing sacrifices on the altar of down votes.

mds9986 | 24

#6503918 - Thursday 7 January 2016 9:12

It's because downvotes don't mean anything. I bet people would stop of there was a score on their profile.

By syki | 22

#6503362 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:11

Is that better or worse Ghana decomposing "gift?"

syki | 22

#6503363 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:12

*than a. Can't correct this on the app, also, wtf autocorrect???

firefighter925 | 18

#6503368 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:15

You can correct it, it just gives you 2 minutes to do it.

syki | 22

#6503371 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

Not on my app for some reason. I don't know why. :(

Jowisee | 29

#6503572 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:54

Not sure why you're being down voted, I can't edit my comments afterwards either .

By SuperLemon99 | 9

#6503364 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

That ended cat-astrophically.

chuka81 | 27

#6503467 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:38

Every time there's a cat FML, someone says this.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6503479 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 21:07

Cat-ass-trophically?

fmlperson8264 | 16

#6503574 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:55

Soon people will start getting downvotes for making this pun on every cat FML.

By Yimpish | 15

#6503365 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

Shart in its bed to get back at it

By firefighter925 | 18

#6503366 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:14

Sounds like it's sick.

By smackaroonial | 20

#6503367 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:15

You shartn't have let your cat in your bed.

SuperLemon99 | 9

#6503370 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

bro that was the worst pun I've ever seen.

smackaroonial | 20

#6503388 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:28

I know, isn't it great?

liv1222 | 29

#6503424 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:26

No, he just said it was the worst.

higgysaurus | 18

#6503440 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:50

A for effort though

freddygasman | 18

#6503927 - Thursday 7 January 2016 9:48

No, higgysaurus, actually "e" is for effort.

By irishmaiden78 | 23

#6503369 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

niiickk_ | 7

#6503833 - Thursday 7 January 2016 5:18

anal leakage

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6503374 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:17

Today my human was so tired he tried to sleep in my litter box. So I marked my territory, then he got mad at me! FML

By loueasy | 23

#6503381 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:21

He's a little pussy

By AndyPurdy | 31

#6503392 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:35

Oh shit