Animals: Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the...

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

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Animals

Serious times

Instadrama

Relationships sink

By Rich - United States

Today, I let my dog outside so he could pee. After an hour, I let him back in. He just wanted to come inside to pee on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 11:02

Good luck out there…

Today, my father said I only voted for Biden "because I watch the news." He's a hardcore Trumpster. FML

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By WAPmeBaby - 25/8/2020 20:02 - United States

Anthony Fantano over here

Today, I'm driving with to Vancouver with my aunt. It's been four hours and she still hasn't gotten tired of her lone Nickelback CD yet. FML

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By Schrewt - France

Today, my friends and I went camping. In the middle of the night, they carried me deep into the forest and left me there. I stepped on a beehive as I walked back to the tent. FML

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By LH0026 - United States

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

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By okaythen - United States - Euless

Today, I asked out this girl at work who I've had a crush on for a while. She looked oddly familiar, aside from the fact that we worked together. It was almost like we'd met outside of work. Two hours and one Snapchat story later, I realized I'd asked out my best friend's girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was at my boyfriend's grandmother's house meeting her for the first time. I excused myself to the restroom and as I walked out of the room I heard her say, "You could do a lot better. She's fat." Then I heard my boyfriend reply, "I know." FML

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By Fantastic - United States

Today, I was walking to my car tonight when I saw a large man walking behind me, I hurried to open my car as he was approaching quickly, my door wasn't unlocking and I panicked. It was then I noticed it wasnt even my car. As I walked away from the other car, he walked up and unlocked the door. FML

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By you ripped them off ages ago - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking and I jokingly stated "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML

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By HK - United Kingdom - Haywards Heath

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a very crowded restaurant. Being really shy, I requested to sit in the corner, but instead they placed me in the center of the dinning area. I started to eat my food and got really spaced out. Suddenly I sneeze-farted and everyone turned to look at me. FML

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By Jamie - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

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By Vic - Denmark

Today, it's my birthday. The present I received from my best friend was the exact same necklace which I gave to her for her birthday two months ago. It had been unwrapped and re-wrapped in the same paper. FML

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By BigMouth McRedface - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

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By someone euthanize me

Today, I tested out my new paintball gun by firing a few rounds into some thick bushes. Nothing could've prepared me for the angry swarm of hornets whose nest I'd apparently shot. I'm in so much pain. FML

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By eakthegeek - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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By birchbeer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned I'm claustrophobic by having a raging oh-god-I'm-gonna-fucking-die panic attack while I was stuck inside an MRI scanner. FML

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By carr - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

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By TrophyGirlfriend - United States

Today, my boyfriend was fired. After breaking the news, he also broke up with me. Apparently, his boss had a creepy crush on me and would give my boyfriend bonuses for bringing me to company events and, occasionally, out on the boss's personal boat. Looks like I am no longer useful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waunakee

Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot sauce. While repeating back the order, the words got stuck and I accidentally said large cock. I got written up for being inappropriate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. I had to get a tooth removed. In the middle of the procedure, the power went out. I had to sit there for an hour to wait for it to come back on. The anesthetic wore off before he started working on me again. FML

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By ===== - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, the sewage pipe busted on the side of our house, spew fecal matter and the condoms I recently flushed. My parents now refuse to talk to me, and won't let my girlfriend anywhere near the house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Venus

He who smelled it…

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

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By aaaa

Today, while helping a child through a tantrum, I was kicked and my hand broke. The bone is completely in half and fixing it will require plates, screws, and surgery along with months of recovery. Another day on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:01

Disappointed

Today, my phone received a text which rarely happens. While getting my phone, I stubbed my toe, just to see a message from a telemarketer. Now my toe hurts and I didn’t even want what they were selling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I was taking a stroll in our yard, when my mother decided it would be hilarious to run me down with her Segway. FML

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By brick - United States - Geneva

Today, I went to sleep at 7am. I learned once that Indians used to drink tons of water before bed to force themselves awake so I did that in case my alarm (which I hooked up to my speakers) didn't work. The alarm worked, but the shock of the blasting sound made me pee my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

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By petty petty petty

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

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By fcnk - United States

Today, I took home my grandpa's ashes. I then went out with my grandma, leaving my 5-year-old at home with my 12-year-old. When I got home, my beaming 5-year-old opened the door, covered in white powder. My grandmother asked where all the powder had come from. She pointed to the empty ashbox. FML

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By lydia - 1/7/2020 08:08

Like that's an excuse

Today, my mother screamed at me because she thinks I peed on the toilet seat. Not my dad, me. I’m a girl. FML

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By Phoebe - Singapore

Today, my husband and I were in bed when the alarm on his phone went off. He then told me that he had to 'sound the horn' and went over to his laptop. Wondering what that meant, I peered over at his laptop. It turns out hunting for mice on Facebook is more important than procreating. FML

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By Tuture - France - Paris

Today, a learner driver was practicing maneuvers in the parking lot at work. This happens a lot, and my colleagues and I usually have fun watching and laughing. It was all fun and games as usual, until the learner crashed into my car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was having trouble sleeping, and I was almost asleep when I got a call from one of those spam places. They left a voicemail, which I made the mistake of listening to. The voice was so slowed down, it was very creepy, especially late at night. I don't think I'll be sleeping at all tonight. FML

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By tacoboy27 - United States

Today, I found out that my father has taken my copy of Modern Warfare 3, and re-wrapped it as a Christmas present. FML

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By beccaj_ilh - United Kingdom

Today, while I was working in a bar, a very fat drunk guy kept flirting with me. He assumed I liked him because I kept blushing. I didn’t. It’s just been so long since anyone flirted with me that I apparently now cannot control my reactions if a man talks to me. FML

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Top comments

By irishmaiden78 | 23

#6503369 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

I would venture to say it was your cats anal glands. They may be full or he's expressing them to mark you and your bed as his. My cat does it occasionally and he also does it when he's nervous. Lovely smell....

By Yimpish | 15

#6503365 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

Shart in its bed to get back at it

COMMENTS

By momo3p | 22

#6503361 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:10

That's a shitty situation

FujisakiChihiro | 24

#6503417 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:23

Please don't.

The12thPaladin | 8

#6503456 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:08

overused jokes stopped being funny a while ago

Kevin_Kestel | 24

#6503475 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:59

pointless comments also got annoying a while ago ^

False_Stupidity | 41

#6503569 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:48

What a waste of a perfectly good 1st comment.

lurker_no_more | 13

#6503673 - Thursday 7 January 2016 1:15

You've got to admire their tenacity though.. there seems to be no end of willing sacrifices on the altar of down votes.

mds9986 | 24

#6503918 - Thursday 7 January 2016 9:12

It's because downvotes don't mean anything. I bet people would stop of there was a score on their profile.

By syki | 22

#6503362 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:11

Is that better or worse Ghana decomposing "gift?"

syki | 22

#6503363 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:12

*than a. Can't correct this on the app, also, wtf autocorrect???

firefighter925 | 18

#6503368 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:15

You can correct it, it just gives you 2 minutes to do it.

syki | 22

#6503371 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

Not on my app for some reason. I don't know why. :(

Jowisee | 29

#6503572 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:54

Not sure why you're being down voted, I can't edit my comments afterwards either .

By SuperLemon99 | 9

#6503364 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

That ended cat-astrophically.

chuka81 | 27

#6503467 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 20:38

Every time there's a cat FML, someone says this.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6503479 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 21:07

Cat-ass-trophically?

fmlperson8264 | 16

#6503574 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 23:55

Soon people will start getting downvotes for making this pun on every cat FML.

By Yimpish | 15

#6503365 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:13

Shart in its bed to get back at it

By firefighter925 | 18

#6503366 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:14

Sounds like it's sick.

By smackaroonial | 20

#6503367 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:15

You shartn't have let your cat in your bed.

SuperLemon99 | 9

#6503370 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

bro that was the worst pun I've ever seen.

smackaroonial | 20

#6503388 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:28

I know, isn't it great?

liv1222 | 29

#6503424 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:26

No, he just said it was the worst.

higgysaurus | 18

#6503440 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 19:50

A for effort though

freddygasman | 18

#6503927 - Thursday 7 January 2016 9:48

No, higgysaurus, actually "e" is for effort.

By irishmaiden78 | 23

#6503369 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:16

niiickk_ | 7

#6503833 - Thursday 7 January 2016 5:18

anal leakage

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6503374 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:17

Today my human was so tired he tried to sleep in my litter box. So I marked my territory, then he got mad at me! FML

By loueasy | 23

#6503381 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:21

He's a little pussy

By AndyPurdy | 31

#6503392 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 18:35

Oh shit