Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML
Today, I thought I would treat myself to a shave and a haircut at a proper barber, instead of just a haircut at Supercuts. After many "Oops", "Sorry", even an "Oh dear", I left with no hair cut, and blood streaming from multiple slices in my face from the shave. I think one might need stitches. FML
Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML
Today, in the middle of my haircut, the hairdresser went into labor. They never finished cutting it. FML
TheTacoMan tells us more.
TheTacoMan 24
OP here, I wasn't saying that she should come back to complete my hair cut, I was talking about everyone else who was working there. Luckily the hair cutter made it to the hospital in time, and she gave birth to a healthy boy, or so they said over the phone. I came back the next day and they finished cutting my hair... For half price.
Today, I was in a heated debate about climate change. I got so flustered that I forgot the word "volcano" and ended up calling them "exploding mountain things". End of the debate. Shame. FML
Today, I was at an interview for one of the top universities in the U.S. Everything was going great until I choked on my own saliva and almost threw up on the interviewer. FML
Paras_800 tells us more.
Paras_800 27
Hey guys, its OP here! Just to clear a few things up, I was the one applying to the college, not interviewing another person. Sorry it was a typo, but in terms of the college I am hoping they will look at the big picture rather than focusing on the one mistake.
Today, I got hit between the legs with a kayak. FML
UnidentifiedFun tells us more.
Alright, some of you need clarification.. So my friend and I were paddle boarding/kayaking (she had the kayak), and I decided to backfloat in the water for a bit, as it was smooth waters and a relaxing day. But alas, my friend thought it would be hilarious to full-steam ahead into my crotch. Needless to say, it was a painful experience.
Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML
Today, I asked my friend to download Frozen for me, because my mom wanted to play it for family movie night. The movie was shit, but it got even worse halfway through, when it cut to hardcore porn and a text bar saying "umad?" Now I'm grounded, and my "friend" is a legend for his prank. FML
Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML
Today, I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and I noticed my boyfriend had commented on a post. It said, "Tag the hottest girl you know". Yeah, he tagged his ex. FML
Today, I'm on a train, feeling good because I got upgraded to first class. The man opposite me just slid me a note saying, "Wee plooky cunt, fuck off!" Charming. FML
Today, I bought a small tub of coconut pieces in a bid to eat healthier snacks at work. I noticed that the chunks were a bit slimy, but thought nothing of it and kept eating. It wasn't until I reached the final few pieces that I noticed a huge black slug crawling across the bottom of the tub. FML
Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time in months. She asked me to stop watching "Friends" so she could use the Netflix account. Now, I still have an absentee sister and no Friends. FML
Today, my parents continue comparing me to my "perfect" friend. He smokes dope, is a compulsive thief, and has gone to juvie numerous times. I'm passing school with flying colors and have never been in any trouble with the law. Apparently I should be more like him. FML
Today, instead of taking down the Christmas tree, my sister covered it with Valentine's Day decorations. FML
lolcat97 tells us more.
lolcat97 28
I'm the OP, and I'm glad this got published! For those wondering, it is a fake tree. And it was actually because of my laziness that I had her take it down because I never got around to it. That is when she came up with her "brilliant" idea to cover it with Valentine's Day decorations, which my parents did not seem too impressed with haha.
Today, I fell asleep curling my bangs. I now look like Mrs. Potato head. FML
Today, I was talking to a girl. It was going pretty well until she said, "LOL." What's so bad about that? We weren't texting. FML
MyUsernameisEpic tells us more.
Okay, so this is my FML. The girl is 15, and we have classes together in school. I didn't really mind that she said it, but it was funny. That's why I decided to share it on here, and it actually got posted! Anyway, back to the story. We were talking in class about something and I made a joke and she started giggling and then, she said, "LOL!" Like, "el-oh-el". Also, I should mention that I wasn't flirting with her or anything. I'm not pursuing a relationship with her, but if I was, I wouldn't completely freak out and change my mind because she said lol. That'd make me a judgmental prick. That'd be pretty screwed up of me. Lastly, I'd like to say that I am friends with her, and just because she said lol, that doesn't mean I think she's stupid or anything.
Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML
Today, after I got home from a long day at work. I go inside my room and find a life-size cut out of Miley Cyrus. I don't know how it got here. I'm the only person with a key to my apartment. FML
Today, I was getting a haircut. During the haircut, the barber cut her hand. She hesitated for a minute then continued to run her hands through and cut my hair with her bloody fingers. FML
Animaldude55 tells us more.
I am the OP. Basically it was near the end of the haircut when this happened so I didn't have time to say anothing. Just to add a few more details, she tried putting on a bandaid but it didn't work, rubbed her fingers on a towel I saw blood.
Today, it's been five days since my roommate last talked to me. Although she's not communicating with me verbally, she's excelling at non-verbal communication: slamming doors and drawers, and watching loud videos, all while I desperately try to study. FML
Today, my dad and I were having a conversation about boneless chicken. He told me that they are raised boneless, going into detail, and I bought every word of it. Not until he started laughing did I realize how gullible I really am. I'm 22. FML
Today, I realized why you should never wear a thong under yoga pants that are a couple of sizes too small. It's a weird thing, seeing your co-worker's anus. FML
Today, I mentioned to my girlfriend that I'd sent in a job application after she went home. In front of her parents. Who thought she'd stayed the night at a friend's place. FML
TysonY2 tells us more.
TysonY2 2
CLARIFICATION: (Yes I am the op) Yes, she stayed the night at my house. We are both 18, and have been dating for 4 years. Her parents had been assuming we had been "fooling" around for quite some time, so they weren't really per say SHOCKED when it slipped my mind. We both live with our parents, but my mom left for the night. The reason it slipped my mind was because she was the one who told me there was an opening (she saw a sign as we were driving back from getting coffee the morning after), so to my stupid ass brain attributed her directly to applying in the first place. Her mom laughed, and her dad remained silent. Her little brother also remained silent.
Today, after putting a bag of dirty laundry in the laundry room to wait for an open washer, I came back to find a "free stuff" sign on all of my expensive jeans, new towels, and favorite sweatshirts. The bag was over half empty. FML
Today, I got a cute girl's number for the first time. Too bad it was because she rear ended my car. FML
Today, a weird friend of my father's decided to visit us. Our house isn't very big, so when he went to the bathroom, I could hear everything. He didn't wash his hands after a massive dump, and when he came out of the bathroom he patted my face. FML
texasrose921 tells us more.
Hi, I wrote this FML. Have any of you ever seen an older friend of the family you haven't seen in a while? They've most likely said something like, "Oh, how you've grown!" Or given you a compliment, and then given you a hug or patted you on the head. That's what happened with this guy. He was commenting on a compliment my dad gave me, and decided to pat my face, like a much older uncle would. It wasn't in any weird, predator way. But it was gross. And yes I scrubbed my face with anti-bacterial soap right after.
Today, I bought an electric toothbrush because they're supposed to be a lot healthier than regular ones. My crazy religious mom immediately called me a whore and said she knew what I really wanted to use it for. So that's $80 in the trash. FML
Today, I have to wear earplugs in my own apartment because my neighbor won't turn down his music. My landlord doesn't believe me because "people with disabilities can't be rude." FML
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