Today, I found out the name on my driver's license is incorrect.... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 07:30 - Canada - Delta

Today, I found out the name on my driver's license is incorrect. I don't know what's worse: the fact the government can't even copy a goddamn name correctly, or that it took me three months to notice, when a cop nearly arrested me for carrying a "fake" license. FML

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Proactive

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Gas giant

By Anonymous - 24/5/2019 06:14

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

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By Lulu - 16/7/2017 00:30

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

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By vballqt201 - 21/6/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, I was asking my one year old nephew what noises certain animals make. I decided to trick him and ask him what sound I make. He immediately says, "MOOOO". FML

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By headache - 23/2/2015 01:41 - United States

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Cybertronianchic - 5/9/2020 09:58 - United Kindom - Birmingham

No kink-shaming

Today, I realised I'm so much more sexually attracted to Transformers than anyone I've ever met. FML

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By Leanna - 10/4/2017 12:00

Today, I cleaned my entire house. Ready for a fresh finishing touch in the bedroom, I grabbed the Febreze and lightly sprayed over my clean bedding, carpeting, and clothing. Then a pungent odor hit me. It seems someone forgot to label the bottle when they filled it with vinegar instead. FML

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By LostSoul - 1/7/2019 22:00

Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a van when it's over 90 degrees. FML

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By loser4life - 30/7/2011 04:38 - United States

Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML

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By S3XY_SiNG3R - 11/4/2020 02:00

Confinement, episode 3774

Today, I woke up to use the restroom, because I had to take a shit. There was basically no toilet paper left. I asked my boyfriend if he could go get some. It was 1 a.m. He said he’d go when the stores were open, then told me to just rinse off in the shower. FML

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By sunlightchild_14 - 13/9/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I was pregnant. His response? "That's neat. But we can still have sex, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 02:02 - United Kingdom

Today, at a nightclub, a cute girl started hitting on me. I got into it and we danced. Just as she started getting frisky with me, a guy shoved me off, smacked me to the floor with a right-hook, and shouted, "That's what you get for touching my woman." FML

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By bummed - 15/4/2012 07:03 - United States - Cresson

Today, after years of waiting, I finally got to meet the band whose music got me through one of the hardest times I have ever experienced. When I turned down the lead singer for sex, they told me to leave. FML

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By gregm97 - 6/6/2020 05:03

Motel 6 to 9

Today, after my family and I returned to our motel after a long day trip, we saw that the room was made. As we were getting ready to sleep, I pulled my sheets back to find a large piece of crap smeared all over the bed. When we told the front desk about this, they told us to "fuck off." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2015 22:31 - United States

Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML

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By nickyy - 29/11/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. FML

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By smoothies14 - 6/11/2015 17:29 - United States - Weatherford

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

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By waxinghorror - 11/7/2009 20:11 - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

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By feelinnauseous - 24/6/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I went to a new bar downtown with some friends. I was a little buzzed and had to pee so bad. I rushed into the bathroom and as I sat down I felt a squish on my upper thigh. Turns out the last person in the stall decided to take a shit on the toilet seat. FML

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By bdw89 - 29/12/2016 18:42 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years still can't get it that dry humping me and saying, "But I'm horny" in a goofy voice isn't a turn on. FML

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By dogless - 4/12/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I found my pit bull after three weeks of frantic searching. When we returned home, I put out food and water for him. I went to get him and found him in my room, wagging his tail at me. He had peed on my comforter, freshly folded clothes, and new 60 dollar winter coat. Welcome home, Caine. FML

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By whyme - 2/9/2016 04:33 - United States

Today, my friend and I were eating in my car in a McDonald's parking lot, when an angry, drunk man stumbled out of the restaurant and into his car. He then hit the McDonald's wall, turned around and sped straight into my car. I only bought it a week ago. FML

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By Lexi - 4/9/2019 12:00 - United States

Waiting For Godot 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my muscles are sore in my arm. I told my boyfriend I think I slept on it wrong. Truth is, it's from masturbation. He won't have sex until we're married. FML

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By housewiththinwalls - 10/10/2014 23:22 - Sweden

Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2013 20:10 - United States

Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML

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By murp - 18/10/2012 16:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went out for a few drinks with some friends. All night, I kept smiling and showing off my newly brace-free teeth. Later on, one of my friends drunkly asked, "Why does she keep smiling? Her teeth are fucking jacked." FML

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By istillcannotbreathe - 17/8/2018 06:00

Genius.

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By Spraylady - 29/2/2016 21:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

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By effmylife - 23/10/2009 10:09 - United States

Today, I took my SUV in to get the oil changed, and the tires rotated. They allowed me to stay there, because they said it would only take 30 minutes. So I sit there in the waiting room, and I look through the window only to see my SUV falling off the lift, from 6 feet in the air. FML

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By theshire - 12/8/2014 06:23 - France - Nice

Today, it's been 10 days since my family and I have been visiting France. I've always wanted to try their culinary specialties but my dad says we "can't trust them". We've eaten at McDonald's 9/10 times. FML

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By ahhh - 3/8/2015 06:06 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

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By Kallian - 25/11/2019 03:00 - Australia - Sydney

What happened?

Today, I walked home and found a massive branch had fallen into my parking space. My first thought, "Thank God my car wasn't hit!" My second thought, "Where's my car?" FML

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By Chels - 24/5/2019 04:00

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral, and he got so into it that he grabbed my hair. Just as he was about to climax, he pulled my hair so hard that my extensions came out. I jerked back and hit my head on the wall behind me. He then came in my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 23:00

Fear factor

Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 21:16 - United States

Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I'd finally kick her "useless ass to the curb." We have to spend the holidays together. FML

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By quiet_screaming_ - 1/7/2015 02:21 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I learned I don't have a yeast infection. I have herpes. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 22:00 - Australia - Baulkham Hills

Family Fortunes

Today, I met the family of the guy I’m seeing, and they are all amazing. I’m scared to tell him I have a schizophrenic mum and a raging alcoholic dad. FML

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By anonymous - 4/12/2010 12:03 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were arguing about how he was too busy for me. During that conversation, he was texting his best friend and then called by his brother to drive him home. Instead of returning to finish our conversation, he left to prepare for his fishing trip with his mates tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, I was handling corrosive chemicals when I accidentally spilled a beaker of Hydrochloric Acid on myself. I had to strip naked and use the emergency shower with my boss and my hot coworker watching. The worst part was when I realized my coworker was laughing at the size of my penis. FML

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By leaannec30 - 10/7/2016 18:52 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I thought my car was overheating. I then thought it was wise to put my hand close to my muffler to feel the heat. Needless to say, I stuck my entire hand on my muffler then had to drive around with the only cold thing in my car. A cold beer from my cooler. Yes, I got pulled over. FML

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Top comments

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6273277 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:29

Good coverup. Go to social media. They'll never suspect you of being a double agent.

By clevergirl98 | 20

#6273275 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:29

My name is simple but everywhere I go, if I'm placing an order, or at school my name is spelled incorrectly. Sorry OP hopefully they replace your license for free.

COMMENTS

By rockey44 | 16

#6273265 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:26

first mum

By magicman13 | 9

#6273266 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:26

This is why the government sucks.

Reply

funsizedliz | 15

#6273280 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:30

There's many reasons why the Government sucks ?

Reply

theTravinator | 21

#6273448 - Sunday 26 April 2015 3:09

Yes- apparently one person screwing up a name is the reason the entire government sucks.

Reply

praesidiem | 16

#6273464 - Sunday 26 April 2015 3:35

Right?!?! Thanks Obama.

Reply

lenalee96 | 22

#6273568 - Sunday 26 April 2015 5:42

I really doubt the government itself is at fault here. blame the government worker.

Reply

DevilReaperTech | 7

#6273659 - Sunday 26 April 2015 6:52

the person is from Canada. Obama has no reign over there.

Reply

blueeyedfreak131 | 6

#6273684 - Sunday 26 April 2015 7:25

Harper. Not Obama.

Reply

Laylette | 21

#6273808 - Sunday 26 April 2015 10:28

Lies. Canada is perfect. It's what we Americans tell ourselves when we start to lose faith in humanity.

By skye147 | 20

#6273268 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:27

Close call.. at least you weren't mid-sneeze in the picture!!

Reply

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6273368 - Sunday 26 April 2015 0:41

Honestly I don't think OP cares about what their picture looks like. OP was worried about getting arrested for having a messed up name on their license.

Reply

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6273469 - Sunday 26 April 2015 3:41

Why the hell am I downvoted?

Reply

skye147 | 20

#6274300 - Sunday 26 April 2015 20:59

I am asking the same thing..

By leidymedinaf | 13

#6273270 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:27

Did you get arrested?

Reply

Markovski | 18

#6273274 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:28

"nearly arrested".............. ?????

Reply

DanCastellaneta | 17

#6273629 - Sunday 26 April 2015 6:24

Yeah, I guess "nearly arrested" isn't clear enough...

*sigh*

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#6273911 - Sunday 26 April 2015 14:01

Well, 'nearly' is obviously a very ambiguous word. I mean, who really knows what that means?

By qdawg06 | 23

#6273273 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:28

At least you didn't actually get arrested.

By clevergirl98 | 20

#6273275 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:29

My name is simple but everywhere I go, if I'm placing an order, or at school my name is spelled incorrectly. Sorry OP hopefully they replace your license for free.

Reply

blakeyboy22 | 12

#6273328 - Sunday 26 April 2015 0:05

Well... What is it?

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6273337 - Sunday 26 April 2015 0:13

Cympal

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6273277 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:29

Good coverup. Go to social media. They'll never suspect you of being a double agent.

Reply

dariboy | 12

#6273357 - Sunday 26 April 2015 0:33

Your secret has been compromised. The threat must be illuminated. Take out Juan!

Reply

dariboy | 12

#6273395 - Sunday 26 April 2015 1:32

*eliminated :(

Reply

praesidiem | 16

#6273466 - Sunday 26 April 2015 3:37

Can't tell if you meant illuminate'd, as in some obscure form of an "illuminate joke", or eliminated.

Reply

AlwaysWatching | 27

#6273473 - Sunday 26 April 2015 3:46

Illuminati*

Reply

VoldooPed | 20

#6273558 - Sunday 26 April 2015 5:34

I want to up vote this but it has 69 up votes so nah.

By edward80 | 18

#6273281 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:30

I agree, fake your life : )

By feven | 32

#6273285 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:31

If it makes you feel any better, it wasn't until this past year that I figured out the date of my actual birthday.

Reply

feven | 32

#6273293 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:33

Even the date on my FML profile is wrong by one day :o

Reply

44LynnLynn | 23

#6273315 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:52

How did that happen?

Reply

feven | 32

#6273350 - Sunday 26 April 2015 0:27

I was born in another country so the time difference wasn't accounted for when they documented my birth date. So I was technically born on New Years :)

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6273379 - Sunday 26 April 2015 1:02

At least you can change it on your FML profile!

By Catdragon | 40

#6273288 - Saturday 25 April 2015 23:31

at least you got your license.