Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight,... - FML

By dickhead - 10/4/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML

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Compassion

Live dumping

Headache

By crankg - 21/10/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 00:11 - United States

Today, after having spent days working on it, I finished off a really elaborate seasonal greetings card for my boss. When I gave it to him, he took one look at it, flicked it in his trash can and said, "Fuck off, Steve." So much for a Christmas bonus. FML

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By ewicsmelly - 29/12/2011 02:13 - United States

Today, I kept finding ants crawling all over my face. After a while, I realized that they were all coming from my beard. I have had a population of ants living in my beard. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 15:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 06:02 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, my legs were really sore from working out yesterday, so it hurt going down the stairs at work. To avoid the pain, l ignored how stupid I looked and limped down the staircase. When I finally got to the bottom, I hopped off the last step. And twisted my ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when was the last time for me. Not only did I lie but I realized that it was in November and the time before that was June. I have had sex less times this year than she has this week. FML

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By macaroni17 - 10/4/2014 02:33 - United States - New Oxford

Today, we had a speaking assessment in Spanish class. When it was my turn, I yawned in the middle of a sentence, said "excuse me" and finished my sentence. She took points off because I hesitated and I spoke in English, not Spanish. FML

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By Uh oh.... - 5/5/2019 16:00

Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML

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By MedChew - 8/5/2015 12:46 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 17:50 - United States

Today, I was at the doctors getting a pap smear and she asked if it was alright if a doctor in training could come in to observe. I was already laying on the table with my feet in the stirups so everything was in plain sight. When the man came in to observe I looked up to see my brother in law. FML

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By Brittany - 10/4/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

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By failatboys - 14/6/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, was my senior prom. I've had a crush on my date for months, but after many attempts at grinding with him and sexy seduction, he rejected me saying he was a good Catholic boy. I later found out that not only is he in touch with his religion, but intimately in touch with other boys. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 14:29

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

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By Evan Chong - 13/7/2011 14:48 - Canada

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 18:02 - United States - Greensburg

Today, I had lunch with an old friend I've had a crush on for years. We're both single, so I figured it to be kind of like a date. Until he started talking about how he told his brother last night that we would never be a thing. FML

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By lunarclips - 27/6/2016 14:08 - Canada - Brandon

Today, is the day I graduate. Today is the day I have explosive diarrhea and I haven't moved far from the toilet since I woke up this morning. FML

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By Dry - 18/3/2017 16:00

Today, after moving into my new house, my partner's father came to give us his old sofa. Now, an hour before he has to leave, he's half-completed 3 DIY jobs we didn't want done in the first place, and smashed my water inlet pipe. I have no water and a destroyed kitchen. FML

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By FlipYoC - 16/9/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I caught my ex trying to slash my car tires with a knife. She actually had the balls to claim she was testing my tire pressure, before power-walking off into the distance like nothing had happened. FML

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By abbiexo97 - 9/5/2019 14:00

Today, I had a dream that I had to abandon my shopping at the checkout due to lack of funds. Even in my dreams I don’t have any money. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2013 03:15 - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

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By PerfectBoyfriend - 7/6/2016 16:38 - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

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By Spac3Ghost - 28/12/2010 17:08 - China

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

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By Mr. Unlucky - 27/5/2018 19:30 - United States - Woodbridge

Anti-Dad

Today, after suffering a severe brain injury and receiving a large amount of money from the lawsuit for physical and mental rehab, I found out that my dad stole it all and spent it on himself. FML

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By not a dumbass pothead - 8/4/2014 22:04 - United States - Sparks

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

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By TooYoungForThis - 30/6/2013 04:36 - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard that I threw my back out. Now my back is in agonizing pain, and I can barely walk. FML

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By AnnaWusHere - 3/9/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she's running for mayor. She's been going around town with home made signs all day campaigning to win mayor. She lives in my town. My friend called me asking me if she was high. FML

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By Nose Numb - 30/11/2014 20:24 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML

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By Raaaaage - 22/7/2012 06:54 - United States - Torrance

Today, my sister and I had a huge fight because I flushed the toilet while she was taking a bath. The faucet for the bath was not running, but she insisted that she felt the water in the tub turn "scalding hot." She won't listen when I try to explain to her that it doesn't work like that. FML

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By newlysingle - 14/12/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I had been hiding the ring in the sock drawer. When I went to retrieve it, the ring was gone and in its place was a sticky note that said "NO." FML

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By Ally - 27/9/2015 01:47 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

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By pleasestop - 1/5/2014 02:13 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, the family in the apartment next to me decided to give their 4-year-old kid a recorder. It's been three hours. Kill me. FML

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By signupsheetfail - 12/8/2009 19:02 - Canada

Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML

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By RhiannonMuh - 9/9/2016 20:01 - Germany - Starnberg

Today, I was on a date with a guy I really like. Everything went well, and then he wanted to kiss me. As he leaned towards me, I got slightly panicky and ducked out of the way, causing him to headbutt the car behind me. Now we know why I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 21:57 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she looked fat in her new pair of jeans. Knowing I was probably about two seconds away from all hell breaking loose, I instinctively tried to save my game, before remembering I wasn't playing a video game. I really need to get a life. FML

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By MonsieurH - 3/4/2014 07:44 - France - Perros-guirec

Today, my dog wouldn't stop pestering me while I was eating some chocolate mousse. I tried to get him to leave me alone for a bit by pretending to throw the mousse far away. The pot stayed in my hand, but I covered the furniture in chocolate mousse. My dog enjoyed cleaning it up. FML

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By vanessa_d15 - 10/11/2009 09:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. FML

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By NewRoommateNeededASAP - 13/10/2016 01:29 - United States

Today, I skipped class and went to back my apartment early. I found that my roommate had broken into my room and was laying in my bed wearing my underwear, taking pictures of herself. Apparently, she's been doing it all semester. FML

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Top comments

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6259134 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:14

I'm sorry, but who buys a garden gnome to "spice up their lawn"

By Jason89 | 14

#6259138 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:15

i bet that was SMASHING

Comments

By Geckosrock99 | 33

#6259133 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:14

Douchebag neighbors

Reply

JazzHandsFML | 28

#6259221 - Saturday 11 April 2015 10:52

that neighbor is fucking fantastic

Reply

HarshD9619 | 34

#6259281 - Saturday 11 April 2015 13:40

That neighbor sounds like someone from FML

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6259417 - Saturday 11 April 2015 19:26

Time to start a gnome war...

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6259134 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:14

I'm sorry, but who buys a garden gnome to "spice up their lawn"

Reply

Neverafter | 14

#6259141 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:16

Maybe the same people who also buy those flamingos :D

Reply

jazman195 | 20

#6259153 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:19

I almost bought a stripper gnome once. I definitely think that would have spiced things up.

Reply

Girlshotdown1 | 21

#6259242 - Saturday 11 April 2015 11:45

i like gnomes they are cute

Reply

ZombieSazza | 34

#6259251 - Saturday 11 April 2015 12:17

People who like their garden and fancy buying a gnome? I mean, why not?

Reply

magickitten | 26

#6259679 - Sunday 12 April 2015 0:39

It's the use of the words 'spice up' that doesn't sit right with me.....

By Kobi159949 | 19

#6259135 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:15

At least he has a sense of humour

Reply

kayj905 | 15

#6259555 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:47

A terrible one

By Jason89 | 14

#6259138 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:15

i bet that was SMASHING

Reply

CBOokami | 13

#6259165 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:26

If it was a fountain gnome it'd be SPLASHING!

Reply

DetroitDov | 35

#6259176 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:33

If it was a cat gnome it would be SCRATCHING.

Reply

UserOfTheMind | 24

#6259213 - Saturday 11 April 2015 10:30

If it was a Katniss Everdeen gnome it would be CATCHING... fire.

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#6259296 - Saturday 11 April 2015 14:16

#27 If you were a pun gnome, you would just get smashed against a brick wall, because you're terrible.

Reply

elcee1987 | 18

#6259403 - Saturday 11 April 2015 18:36

Yeah, the puns were okay until #27.

Reply

photographer49 | 22

#6259586 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:24

#27 I think you tried too hard

Reply

dragonrider1959 | 18

#6259763 - Sunday 12 April 2015 2:32

Crashing!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6259784 - Sunday 12 April 2015 3:21

If it were a bandicoot gnome it would be CRASHING!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6259787 - Sunday 12 April 2015 3:23

If it were a Ryan Gosling gnome it would be DASHING!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6259789 - Sunday 12 April 2015 3:25

If it were an eyeball gnome it would be LASHING!

Reply

FlubbaBubba | 12

#6259888 - Sunday 12 April 2015 5:21

Without the garden gnome, OP will be SHORT on decorations!

By Dreamsorrow93 | 24

#6259139 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:16

Maybe it was the gnome committing suicide because it to thought your yard sucked?

By _Peppermint_ | 34

#6259140 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:16

Oh man, I haven't had an FML make me laugh so hard in a while. I'm sorry about your window, though!

By X_KassidyRose_X | 12

#6259142 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:16

Lol, that sounds like something I would do.

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6259271 - Saturday 11 April 2015 13:09

#8, Buy the gnome or through it though the window?

Reply

X_KassidyRose_X | 12

#6259312 - Saturday 11 April 2015 14:37

Make all the puns

By Desi_D123 | 27

#6259143 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:16

Your neighbour is either the vandal or really good at coming up with witty puns in a short time, OP.

Reply

missambitious | 21

#6259195 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:50

I'm thinking it's the 1st one. They had easy access (OP wouldn't hear a car drive away) and just their reaction (like this incident is no big deal and it wasn't unexpected or out of the ordinary).

By Steffi3 | 40

#6259145 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:17

Your neighbour is having way too much fun with this. You sure he didn't throw it?

By lolfood | 24

#6259155 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:20

I'm thinking that your neighbor might have been the one who threw it.

Reply

capnbzarr | 43

#6259429 - Saturday 11 April 2015 19:40

Definitely.

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6259481 - Saturday 11 April 2015 20:35

Haha that would be pretty crazy though. Smash your neighbour's window just so you can make a bunch of puns about it lol