Alcohol and Miscellaneous: The mouthfeel

The mouthfeel

By rookiemistake - 27/04/2015 03:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to a wine tasting for the first time. I copied the experienced people around me by swishing the wine around in my mouth, which I then choked on and spit out all over my white blouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 891

You deserved it 10 090

Alcohol Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

This Charming Man

Grateful

By Abrams52 - 28/05/2013 05:44 - United States - Fishers

Today, I was sending intimate pictures to my girlfriend and accidentally sent one to my best friend. He sent me one back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 576

You deserved it 35 765

By Dr_Gip - 18/10/2012 04:50 - United States

Today, I was so engrossed in a phone call that I drove off without pumping gas after I'd prepaid $50. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 909

You deserved it 43 733

By Anonymous - 09/04/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work. I pulled impatiently behind a long line of cars to make a right hand turn. I sat there for 5 minutes. Turns out there wasn't a line to make a right hand turn. I had been waiting behind a line of parked cars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 827

You deserved it 70 465

By ClaustrophobicNightmares - 28/03/2014 08:42 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I was stuck in the elevator for almost two hours. Where was the elevator mechanic? Next to me in the elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 863

You deserved it 3 278

By lilben - 10/06/2011 08:09 - United States

Today, I was given a new nickname at work due to my boss always confusing me with one of my co-workers who is taller than me. Someone suggested he just call us the same name to make it simpler, and the tall one would be big and the short one little. Everyone at my job now calls me Little Dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 477

You deserved it 4 767

By Anonymous - 10/06/2014 20:06 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my nineteen year old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 314

You deserved it 16 446

By crosseyed - 10/06/2009 19:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 296

You deserved it 74 407

By Anonymous - 17/02/2016 13:16 - Canada - Brossard

Today, I sent an email to my teacher asking if a source was a primary source, he replied yes. I got my grade back for my essay and it was worse than I expected. My teacher said it was because I didn't use a primary source. I showed him the email, to which he replied, "Well, I was wrong in the email." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 441

You deserved it 1 779

Phone holder

By my arms hurt - 25/11/2019 20:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 152

You deserved it 1 819

By Anonymous - 19/08/2019 16:00

Today, my husband is still swearing he’s not cheating, forgetting I have a bachelor's in criminal justice with a minor in criminology. Leaving for work 2 hours early going to the same address every morning? Late every evening going to the same said address? How stupid does he think I am? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 942

You deserved it 333

Not now, dude!

By sammy - 26/03/2020 04:59 - Australia

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 558

You deserved it 499

By Sous_Chef - 11/12/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, my roommate came in slamming the front door. I guess he doesn't know that you can't throw hot water on frozen windows. He came up all pissed and called his insurance because he cracked the windshield. We have the same car, in the same exact color. Turns out he threw the water on mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 856

You deserved it 3 078

By Anonymous - 01/02/2018 19:00

Today, because I left my wallet at home, I got arrested for "underage smoking." I'm 32 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 683

You deserved it 659

By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 05:04 - United States - Placentia

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy by text. I felt so betrayed, I stupidly tried to hurt her by replying that I'd been cheating on her all along with a hot babe. Turned out the dumping text was actually a prank by her friend. Now I'm single and everyone thinks I'm a cheater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 912

You deserved it 29 325

By Kiki - 08/03/2013 21:22 - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 066

You deserved it 5 554

By dogh8er - 18/12/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, after spending hours wrapping the presents for Christmas, I came back into the room to find that my dog had lost his toy, knocked over all the presents, and was frantically ripping at everything to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 079

You deserved it 3 526

Cat litter day

By Anonymous - 15/09/2021 14:01

Today, I found out my new neighbour tried to report me as a terrorist for, "speaking terrorist language and moving bags of that explosive fertiliser." I’m Japanese, and the bags were mostly rotting vegetables and animal dung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 67

By Anonymous - 11/01/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 858

You deserved it 11 187

By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was explaining the inner parts of a vagina and how they work. To my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 518

You deserved it 6 702

By Need Clothes Now - 21/09/2014 15:51 - United States - Pendleton

Today, I flew across country to college. My luggage did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 638

You deserved it 3 345

Fuck your "beach body" noise

By that’s not how it works - 16/07/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, my daughter expressed wanting to lose weight so I took her to a licensed dietician nutritionist to get her a healthy eating plan, and even made her an appointment with a personal trainer to get her on track. I walked in on her eating a whole box of laxatives, because "this way is faster." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 92

By Stalkerella - 08/05/2018 05:51

Today, I asked my neighbor to kindly move his truck because it blocks my driveway and the side entrance to my yard. He responded by throwing a decapitated bird onto my front lawn and filing an injunction against me for stalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 592

You deserved it 254

By Anonymous - 10/07/2019 20:02

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. All because I’m thinking of moving to the UK next year to study, and apparently, a girl he’s been thinking about for a week is a better option. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 666

You deserved it 242

By lactose intolerant - 28/01/2019 15:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my little sister thought I was making up I’m lactose intolerant, so she swapped my dairy-free milk with regular milk. I’m writing this from the toilet and I’ve been here for at least 20 minutes, with cramps and diarrhoea. She’s also complaining about the foul smell coming from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 749

You deserved it 160

By spiderhater - 12/04/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106 643

You deserved it 5 294

By foreveravirgin - 15/08/2012 19:07 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I found out that instead of going on a date with a girl I've liked for months, I'm going to be forced to have lunch with my grandmother tomorrow. Instead of losing my virginity, I will get to be interrogated about why I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 623

You deserved it 7 265

Anger management

By truecountrybitch - 09/05/2020 23:00

Today, my boyfriend got frustrated trying to take my entertainment center into the basement, for the kids' game room. It didn't fit, thanks to the horrible design of the house, so he Spartan-kicked it down, breaking it into 15 pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 197

We don't need no education

By Anonymous - 07/07/2021 11:01

Today, I received a call from a top-rated university accepting me into the program of my dreams to begin my ultimate career. Two weeks ago, I accepted a permanent, full time and legally-binding job position in my depressive hometown because the school had previously rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 90

By ZAS - 22/08/2012 16:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while I was shopping at a store with my friend, I noticed a cute girl smiling at us. My friend said "She's all yours," and walked away. When I approached her, she asked me if my friend was single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 212

You deserved it 2 050

By Kitcat034 - 22/01/2018 15:00

Today, I told my roommate that I was an atheist and she laughed. I left and returned to find her and her prayer group praying for my soul. She told me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I said no. Then she told me to find somewhere else to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 755

You deserved it 1 014

By Anonymous - 18/03/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 357

You deserved it 3 205

By Anonymous - 01/05/2015 19:26

Today, after a 2 month relationship, I realized two things: A) Dating a known psycho because "crazy chicks are great in bed" is a dumb idea, and B) What crazy chicks are actually great at is beating the crap out of you and driving you to alcoholism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 017

You deserved it 32 882

Compassion

By Anemity_is_my_name - 07/01/2021 14:01 - United States

Today, I'm exhausted and sore from a long night of pulling semis out of the snow. My wife is pissed because I want to sleep, instead of be with her. Every time I drift off, she starts doing things like loudly unloading the dishwasher or standing by our bedroom door talking loudly on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 74

By w-dog - 24/08/2009 17:33 - Canada

Today, after spending $15,000 to treat my dog's cancer over the past two months, he died of kidney failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 537

You deserved it 19 783

By mighthavepaidfortwodates - 28/03/2019 22:00

Today, after an amazing date with a girl I like at a restaurant, I realized I foolishly forgot my wallet. When I returned, I spotted my date at another table on a date with a different guy. I also wasn’t able to find my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 074

You deserved it 326

By jf29 - 31/01/2009 00:49 - United States

Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriend's recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 618

You deserved it 46 656

By invisible - 18/03/2016 10:42 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I realized how invisible I am when our professor was showing us that he knows the names of all the students in our class. When he reached me, he just smiled at me and skipped to the person next to me. I took 3 courses with this guy yet I'm the only one he didn't know the name of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 618

You deserved it 1 864

By Joboi23 - 07/03/2018 19:00

Today, I matched with a woman on Tinder with whom I'd already talked on another dating app. The conversation had died out pretty quickly, so I was surprised she gave me a second chance. Her first message was to tell me how boring I was on the other app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 001

You deserved it 745

By ineedanewjob - 09/04/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 954

You deserved it 36 158

By anon - 03/12/2013 04:26 - United States - Elkhart

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 231

You deserved it 17 519

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Top comments

fleur_de_fevrier_fml 22

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Monday 27 April 2015 12:20

Wearing a white shirt while wine tasting? You like to take chances :)

Cads1 24

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Monday 27 April 2015 12:15

Guess you should have swallowed that.

spacey_blueberry 18

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Monday 27 April 2015 12:14

Ah well. Sophistication is not for everyone OP :P

johnrdz3 24

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Tuesday 28 April 2015 3:41

Something tells me OP was at a bar, not a place for wine testing.

Mons_fml 27

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Monday 27 April 2015 12:14

you're getting there!

dca101 23

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Monday 27 April 2015 12:15

Was the wine at least good?

incoherentrmblr 21

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Monday 27 April 2015 19:28

Perhaps it was too strong for OP...

Cads1 24

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Monday 27 April 2015 12:15

Guess you should have swallowed that.

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Monday 27 April 2015 23:50

That's what he said..

Lorenzo1102 21

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Monday 27 April 2015 12:15

Everyone acts like each individual wine is special but in reality they're thinking "let's taste a bit then swirl the wine glass a bit then compliment the wine"

Zufallian 34

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Sunday 22 November 2015 23:26

You clearly know nothing about wine.

KitchKraft 21

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Monday 27 April 2015 12:20

Spitters are quitters op

fleur_de_fevrier_fml 22

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Monday 27 April 2015 12:20

Wearing a white shirt while wine tasting? You like to take chances :)

MrSassypants 32

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Monday 27 April 2015 16:38

You know OP is a true badass when they start eating spaghetti while wearing white.

MasterTron 24

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Monday 27 April 2015 18:55

I once ate at a red robins with a full white suit on. Did not get anything on me.

lolhailsatan 23

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Monday 27 April 2015 22:19

Who wears an all white suit to red robin

MrSassypants 32

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Monday 27 April 2015 22:49

#47 Someone who has run out of thrill of skydiving, cliff climbing, and street racing. Wearing a white suit to red robins is basically the most dangerous thing someone can do, followed by cutting lemons with a paper cut.

MasterTron 24

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Tuesday 28 April 2015 1:52

I had just gotten done with graduation. We had gone straight to the restaurant from the graduation site. I had not been told about this arrangement so I did not think to bring a spare outfit.