Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini...

By gross - 9/4/2015 16:00 - United States - Muskegon

Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini bottom out of the box first, only to find a pubic hair stuck to the hygienic liner. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Vultures

Fairytale ending

By btswc - 21/5/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

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By Tyler Smith - 3/11/2011 11:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML

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By photoman - 14/7/2014 09:31 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was informed by a laughing friend, that my phone must be taking and uploading photos to Google+. Among numerous black shots, there is a particularly nice one of me while I'm sitting on the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2009 04:55 - United States

Today, I went back home. My drunk mother was screaming at my drunk step-dad about a fight that happened four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "orgasm face" while the neighbors were dancing outside, coked out and naked. FML

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By Thepunchline - 11/8/2010 09:19 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the third day since my mum quit smoking, and I realised that her health-drive is having a negative effect on my own health when she bitch slapped me down the stairs because she didn't get a joke I told her. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2013 23:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

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By michelle91 - 2/12/2009 11:36 - Malaysia

Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8 stitches and was tested for head trauma. After hours of ignoring my calls and texts, my girlfriend finally responded, very angrily. Why? Today is her birthday, and I "selfishly made it about me." FML

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By Ben - 1/3/2010 03:46 - United States

Today, I was arrested for DWI in my own apartment complex. I had to be released into the custody of a sober adult, but I wasn't allowed access to my phone to get any numbers. I only have a few memorized. So I was picked up from jail by my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé - my manager at work. FML

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By FatRunner - 5/11/2009 07:41 - New Zealand

Today, while going for my daily run, a woman stopped me and said, "I think it's so great that people of your size are comfortable enough to run and show their bodies in public." FML

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By 4_and_20_blackbits - 26/8/2013 08:38 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while baking, I was joined by my roommate who doesn't really cook. I was making a batch of dough and she volunteered to help. After showing her how to knead, she really got into it. Afterwards, I asked why she wanted to help. "It really cleans my nails", she said. FML

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By Tanuki_paws - 26/8/2012 21:05 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm so broke that I got buyer's remorse after buying a $2 bottle of pancake syrup. FML

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By RaceCar - 12/2/2010 19:24 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday and my mom promised me she'd buy me a car. She came home with a toy lego car. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 14:56 - United States

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

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By WellThen - 15/12/2018 06:30 - United States

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 02:30

Today, after 2 years of paying off the insurance fees after an accident, I got rear-ended. It was the same driver who crashed into me the first time. FML

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By scared shitless in ohio - 25/9/2013 20:02 - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

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By jessel_ladd92 - 9/9/2013 06:42 - United States

Today, after growing my hair out for over a year and constantly being told that it makes me look like a girl, I finally cut it. The first thing my friends said when they saw me was that I now look like a "lesbian." FML

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By RahiYeah09 - 17/9/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML

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By Angelthecat - 6/3/2020 00:01

Now listen here, you lot…

Today, I sent out a Happy Snow Day text to 20 of my closest friends. My boyfriend, who doesn't have an iPhone, didn't realize it was a group text. He sent back a text breaking up with me. To all the people in the group message. FML

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By dragynfyre - 6/3/2012 05:37 - United States

Today, my boss called me out for a drug test. His reason was because my eyes are puffy and bloodshot, making me look high. I've been suffering from allergies all week, but still had to pee in a cup in front of a complete stranger. FML

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By sadday - 20/11/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

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By bip - 15/12/2008 05:36 - France

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 10:35 - Norway

Today, I got a phone call from a friend, who lives in the same neighbourhood as me, wondering if it was my father she saw walking a dog by her house, wearing only his boxers. It was. FML

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By Chelsea - 27/2/2013 22:39 - United States - Aurora

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

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By GotGasNotLuck - 5/5/2015 10:50 - Australia - Girraween

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

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By paulinapo - 30/5/2013 01:53 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I woke up in bed with a one-night stand. We got really drunk the night before so I went to make a hangover-cure breakfast. Apparently he was so drunk that he didn't remember me, and when he came to the kitchen, he knocked me out with a pan and called the cops. FML

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By jlong9071 - 9/11/2014 03:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I learned that when you're talking about your girlfriend's 6'4", 250 lb dad in a negative way, you should really make sure he isn't around first. FML

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By Quackadoodledoo - 24/4/2014 02:21 - United Kingdom - Edgware

Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML

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By anonymous - 18/1/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I discovered that my new landlords must meet and approve guests of mine before they come over, and guests are not allowed when they aren't home or past 11pm. I'm 25 years old and just moved out of my parents' home to get away from my controlling mother. FML

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By -.- - 19/1/2015 01:18 - United States - Ellwood City

Today, my mother told me how long it took for her to have me. Not how long she carried me in her womb - how long it took her and my dad to have sex. FML

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By people suck - 28/3/2015 04:16 - United States - Oakland

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML

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By onedollar - 24/7/2010 21:56 - Venezuela

Today, someone gave me 13 dollar bills. I rejected one because I'm very superstitious about the unlucky 13. Later, I waited half an hour in the car for someone to bring me exactly 1 dollar because I did not have enough for the parking fee. FML

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By outagrand - 1/8/2009 14:08 - Australia

Today, I gave my mother a pre-prepared deposit envelope with my fortnightly wage in it, in cash. I tell her exactly where the deposit box is and what to do. I'm now desperately calling the bank because my mother accidentely put my $1200 deposit in the little trash can for receipts under the ATM. FML

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By FatalxDesire599 - 5/3/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, my mother stormed into my room shouting about how I never go anywhere and then tells me to go out "NOW" and do something. As she is pushing me out the door, her boyfriend walks in. FML

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By mitochondriaisthepowerhouseofthecell - 27/12/2018 02:00

Today, I had my final piano performance. There is a guy in my class who constantly tells me I suck at piano, so I was looking forward to watching him play badly since he never practices. Instead, he played the most beautiful music that would make Mozart weep. He got a standing ovation. FML

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By brsoxgirl - 15/7/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

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By rejecteddd - 4/7/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By AAnonymous - 5/11/2014 13:57 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my ex sent me a pack of beer to screw with me. I'm still going to AA, and I thought I was almost over it. Five bottles later, I realized I'm not. We didn't break up over my drinking, either; it was because after just 2 weeks of dating, she threatened to kill herself if I didn't marry her. FML

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By meganisabella - 11/3/2012 09:15 - United States

Today, I went driving for the first time. I made it twenty miles to my step mom's house, and didn't stop until I was inside the garage. Too bad the garage door was closed when I got there. FML

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By MakeMyDay_27 - 27/6/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML

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Top comments

By patrickalamo | 47

#6257912 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:58

So are you thinking your boyfriend tried it on first?

By LunaaBluee | 27

#6257920 - Friday 10 April 2015 0:00

That's why I think you should always wash the clothes you buy before putting them on.. Just in case

Comments

By marinegrant | 14

#6257911 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:58

Gotta love hand-me-downs

hunterluv1 | 20

#6258113 - Friday 10 April 2015 3:47

it's not a hand-me-down, someone just tried it on in the store without underwear on

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6258134 - Friday 10 April 2015 4:20

This makes me slightly afraid to buy another bikini at the store. o.o

uncle_ssaamm | 12

#6258222 - Friday 10 April 2015 5:58

funfact... you can get herpes from trying swimsuits on without washing them first

badluckalex | 23

#6258231 - Friday 10 April 2015 6:17

Hahaha not so fun when you find out you have herpes and have no idea where it came from

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6258671 - Friday 10 April 2015 19:52

Thank you for that fun fact. It made me feel even more afraid. Haha

By patrickalamo | 47

#6257912 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:58

So are you thinking your boyfriend tried it on first?

Norja | 33

#6257959 - Friday 10 April 2015 0:10

Still nasty but I'd rather it be my boyfriend's pube than some random stranger.

buddy_J | 16

#6258172 - Friday 10 April 2015 4:57

Girls have pubic hair too

kerstileann | 26

#6258209 - Friday 10 April 2015 5:41

i think everybody knew that already #68

StraightUpBaller | 14

#6258217 - Friday 10 April 2015 5:52

"I wonder if this fits..."

xsydneyx123 | 28

#6259161 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:23

Op never said who they got it from.

By noelsom7 | 13

#6257915 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:59

that is nasty.

ShatteredPulse | 15

#6258162 - Friday 10 April 2015 4:49

I'm so glad you said that, i wasn't sure if it was but i am so relieved now :)

By MyDadLeftMeInKFC | 21

#6257917 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:59

That's absolutely disgusting. I would disinfect that right away. Don't let it ruin your birthday!

EatUrGreens | 20

#6258361 - Friday 10 April 2015 9:17

You mean give it back to the person that offered it?

By unscrupulous | 13

#6257918 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:59

Yuck.. :p

Mynamewontfi | 40

#6257991 - Friday 10 April 2015 0:33

But #5 did say something.. No need to be so rude about it.

ana_lee_bonde | 17

#6257997 - Friday 10 April 2015 0:39

#5 How dare you post that, prepare for the judgemental downvotes from the almighty FML community. Tremble in fear at our grammatical accuracy weakling!