Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini...

By gross - United States - Muskegon

Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini bottom out of the box first, only to find a pubic hair stuck to the hygienic liner. FML

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Miscellaneous

Age ain't nothing but a number

Freak out

Where are you?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend snuck into my house and hid in my closet. Knowing that I have a phobia of people jumping out of closets, he nonetheless thought it would be funny to see how I'd react. I had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. FML

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By esv - United States

Today, I went to the laundromat for the first time. I fit all of my clothes into two washers. Not knowing where to put the soap in, I asked a man doing his laundry, "Excuse me, where do I put the soap in?". He replied, "Ma'am, those are the dryers." FML

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By Peggy Peggerson - 9/10/2020 02:03 - United States

It's the new craze!

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

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By - Australia

Today, As I walked out of the clubs, I slipped in my new shoes and spilt my chicken chips and gravy on my brand new white dress. Not only did people witness this, but my dress is ruined.. FML

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By Death By Parent - United States

Today, I was browsing the People of Walmart site, chuckling at all the weirdos on there, when I came across a picture of my mom. FML

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By BejeweledJizz

Today, after weeks of being addicted to Bejeweled Blitz, I couldn't stop thinking about it while having sex with my girlfriend. FML

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By fmlmylife - United States

Today, I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked on to my school's campus where I then got suspended by my dean for "trying to rebel", grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and an MIP from the school's police guard. FML

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By KittyKat168 - Germany

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wrote the most beautiful college application essay ever, ten minutes before the online deadline. Instead of clicking "submit", I clicked the button next to it that said "return". The entire essay vanished into internet wasteland. FML

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By Thebestman123 - United States

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

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By stressedandcrowded - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my sister is going to spend the last two months of her pregancy in my house to be with my mother. She's bringing with her her three wild children. The visit also happens to coincide with my end of year examinations in May and June. FML

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By lalalasmiles06

Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML

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By storrent - United States - Houston

Today, I discovered that my band section had misspelled my name as "Joke" on our section poster. On purpose. It's supposed to be Jake. FML

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By nooo - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I got a wedgie after a workout class. As I was walking, I used my gym bag to discreetly unwedgie it, and then turned around to check that no one was there. The cute guy that I had a crush on last year was right behind me, and by the look on his face, it wasn't discreet. FML

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By Helmet - United States

Today, I needed to buy a new crash-helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wales

Today, my girlfriend guilted me into roleplaying as Justin Bieber before and during sex. I now feel physically ill. FML

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68002

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By embarrassed

Today, I auditioned for a part in a play. I've been practicing for months, and was very excited. After I finished singing, the director whispered something to the other judges, and they all laughed. Hard. So much for the lead role. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

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By emilyparra1 - United States - Riverview

Today, I had a job interview for a job I've been dying to have. As I'm walking into the office, the manager says, "Aren't you my son's ex, the one he cheated on?" All I could do was sit there quietly as he laughed at me. FML

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By Myriam - Maldives - Male

Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML

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By kids say the darnedest things - United States - Denver

Today, my 3-year-old daughter asked me to carry her from the car to the house. I asked her for 3 kisses and a hug in return. She said she'd rather walk instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Sofia

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, I'm dating the perfect guy. He's smart, considerate, charming, funny, good looking and we have a ton of interests in common. He also can't get it up. At all. FML

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By mnavy - United States

Today, while wearing my Navy Dress White Uniform, I decided to stop and help this attractive girl who was not feeling well. Without warning, she blew chunks all over my "Whites". I have a uniform inspection later this afternoon. FML

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By cmore - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my boss and his family over for dinner. Our kids played while waiting for dinner to be ready. Just as we were sitting to eat, our 8-year-olds ran out and my son says "Look at Baxter! I found underwear with a tail hole!" They had found my crotchless panties and put them on the dog. FML

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By Failure2017 - United States

Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I saw a homeless man on the street and decided to give him the dollar bill I had left in my wallet. He said "Thank you" then as I turned to walk away, he muttered "Cheap-ass cunt". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I was taking a stroll in our yard, when my mother decided it would be hilarious to run me down with her Segway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a minor outpatient procedure that required sedation. I am not supposed to drive or even be alone for 24 hours. My husband wouldn't take the day off to go with me, and instead of coming home from work, he is at the bar with his coworkers. FML

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By ruined - 15/4/2020 17:00

Cooked it up

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

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1987

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By fuckshitcockwaffle - Australia - Bayswater

Today, while feeding my neighbour's cats, I mistakenly switched up their foods. One has medicated food that causes drowsiness. The healthy cat got knocked out like a log. I panicked, laid him out by the bed, and spilled milk around his head to make it look "natural." I think I'm going to hell. FML

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By ftt

Today, Facebook notified me a "friend" had tagged me in one of his photos. It was a group photo of 20, but my face was the only one that was intentionally blocked out with an emoji because I "didn't belong in the group." FML

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By momoftheyearedition - United States - Landenberg

Today, my 5-year-old won't stop princess-waving at people. This would be fine, but she looks exactly like she is giving the Nazi salute. I got dirty looks from nearly everyone at the supermarket. FML

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By geena - United States - Washington

Today, while at work being a waitress, I gave my customer his credit card receipt to sign. Instead of giving him a pen, I pulled a tampon out of my apron pocket and handed it to him. FML

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By Nighty-nitrogen - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was trying to sleep, when I felt someone rattling my bed from underneath. Petrified from shock, I lied there for what felt like hours, waiting for a murderer to spring out. I must've finally fallen asleep, and when I woke up in the morning, I found out it was a minor earthquake. FML

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By chevygirl51 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. It was all going well until out of habit from driving with my boyfriend, I reached over and held my instructor's hand. FML

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By nanall - United States

Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML

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32096

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By mistickfae - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

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23831

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By plasticfantastic - United Kingdom

Today, I met this guy I really liked at a party. We got chatting and then hit the dance floor. We had a "moment" and I went in to kiss him. He shot forward with his tongue already out. His eyes were open. FML

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By parenting_failure - France

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

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Top comments

By patrickalamo | 47

#6257912 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:58

So are you thinking your boyfriend tried it on first?

By LunaaBluee | 27

#6257920 - Friday 10 April 2015 0:00

That's why I think you should always wash the clothes you buy before putting them on.. Just in case

COMMENTS

By marinegrant | 14

#6257911 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:58

Gotta love hand-me-downs

hunterluv1 | 20

#6258113 - Friday 10 April 2015 3:47

it's not a hand-me-down, someone just tried it on in the store without underwear on

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6258134 - Friday 10 April 2015 4:20

This makes me slightly afraid to buy another bikini at the store. o.o

uncle_ssaamm | 12

#6258222 - Friday 10 April 2015 5:58

funfact... you can get herpes from trying swimsuits on without washing them first

badluckalex | 23

#6258231 - Friday 10 April 2015 6:17

Hahaha not so fun when you find out you have herpes and have no idea where it came from

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6258671 - Friday 10 April 2015 19:52

Thank you for that fun fact. It made me feel even more afraid. Haha

By patrickalamo | 47

#6257912 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:58

So are you thinking your boyfriend tried it on first?

Norja | 33

#6257959 - Friday 10 April 2015 0:10

Still nasty but I'd rather it be my boyfriend's pube than some random stranger.

buddy_J | 16

#6258172 - Friday 10 April 2015 4:57

Girls have pubic hair too

kerstileann | 26

#6258209 - Friday 10 April 2015 5:41

i think everybody knew that already #68

StraightUpBaller | 14

#6258217 - Friday 10 April 2015 5:52

"I wonder if this fits..."

xsydneyx123 | 28

#6259161 - Saturday 11 April 2015 9:23

Op never said who they got it from.

By noelsom7 | 13

#6257915 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:59

that is nasty.

ShatteredPulse | 15

#6258162 - Friday 10 April 2015 4:49

I'm so glad you said that, i wasn't sure if it was but i am so relieved now :)

By MyDadLeftMeInKFC | 21

#6257917 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:59

That's absolutely disgusting. I would disinfect that right away. Don't let it ruin your birthday!

EatUrGreens | 20

#6258361 - Friday 10 April 2015 9:17

You mean give it back to the person that offered it?

By unscrupulous | 13

#6257918 - Thursday 9 April 2015 23:59

Yuck.. :p

Mynamewontfi | 40

#6257991 - Friday 10 April 2015 0:33

But #5 did say something.. No need to be so rude about it.

ana_lee_bonde | 17

#6257997 - Friday 10 April 2015 0:39

#5 How dare you post that, prepare for the judgemental downvotes from the almighty FML community. Tremble in fear at our grammatical accuracy weakling!