Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little....

By pussystroker - 19/11/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

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Intimacy

Deep-seated resentment

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Race against the clock

By wobbles - 4/12/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to find my glasses. I don't know whats worse, the fact that I was wearing them the whole time, or that my girlfriend played along and helped me look for them. FML

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By Singlelady - 21/9/2016 19:16 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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By annonymous - 19/9/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, I was talking on the phone with my crush. After an hour of talking she told me, "If you were half as hot as you sound over the phone, I'd date you immediately." Maybe I should give up on love and start a phone sex line. FML

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By ohdear - 31/10/2011 15:38 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend tried to change her pad while we were sitting in a crowded movie theatre. She succeeded and slipped the used pad into her purse. I can't get rid of the memory, and I don't think I can ever eat popcorn again. FML

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By fml9124 - 20/3/2020 18:00

Quick reflexes

Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 17:09 - United States

Today, my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper. My parents refuse to buy any, because my father can get it free from his work. He's forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days. FML

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By ashley - 30/4/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 10:46 - United States

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

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By branded - 14/5/2009 19:57 - United States

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

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By nevergoingonabusagain - 30/5/2009 06:52 - Canada

Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. I noticed that a creepy guy sitting in front of me had a boner, so I took a few steps back. Suddenly the bus went through something like a speed bump, which caused me to fall and sit on the man's lap. FML

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By Rebecca - 16/1/2012 00:36 - Canada

Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2016 07:29 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I was up late and heard my mother and her boyfriend come home. After a full minute of bed-creaking action, I heard him exclaim, "I did it! A new record, haha!" I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2017 13:00 - United States

Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2016 12:24 - United States - Huron

Today, I found out I and a coworker may get laid off soon, all because my boss's niece told him she can do both our jobs all by herself, and for less money. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 06:50 - Singapore

Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

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By -- - 4/9/2011 16:42 - Canada

Today, at my dental practice, we received a shipment of the stupid flavoured gloves my boss ordered to make the place more "friendly to the kids". I started working in an adult patient's mouth, when he decided to start creepily making out with my fingers. FML

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By Biologyfacepalm - 3/3/2014 19:58 - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

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By Jessie - 25/11/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, during my boyfriend's family reunion, I started my period but didn't have any tampons. I asked my boyfriend to ask his mom if she had any. I sat on the toilet waiting, then heard him loudly ask his whole family "Does anybody have a tampon my girlfriend can have?" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 19:09 - United States - Omaha

Today, my boyfriend convinced me do an Insanity workout with him. I passed out during the warmup. FML

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By daddysboy123 - 6/8/2009 15:40 - United States

Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML

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By John - 10/7/2013 02:48 - United States

Today, while leaving McDonald's, I threw a fry out the window to a flock of seagulls. I watched in the rear-view mirror as it landed in the opposite lane and about 60 winged rats descended upon the street, causing a truck to veer off the road and crash. FML

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By big mouth - 26/9/2012 11:40 - New Zealand - Northland

Today, at work, I saw a van in our car park with "Hurlz Wagon" painted on its side. Laughing, I told the customer who owned it that I loved the name, and I asked was there a funny vomit story behind it. She didn't laugh, and told me it was her family name. FML

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By jll14 - 31/3/2013 22:27 - Malaysia - Kota Kinabalu

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

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By kasai_x0x - 19/6/2010 16:27 - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

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By Tucker - 8/2/2010 19:29 - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover from last night. Last night, I snuck out and went to a party at a club. To hide my hangover, I cleaned myself up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother looked at me and said, "What's that on your wrist?" I'd forgotten I'd left the wristband on from the club. I'm already grounded. FML

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By Stormy - 18/6/2011 21:49 - United States

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

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By psychopumpkin - 13/5/2013 14:16 - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

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By Stuckism - 15/9/2009 17:16 - Malaysia

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

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By StupidApple - 25/5/2011 00:02

Today, I found out that whenever I send my son to his room, he goes on his iPod and buys the most expensive apps he can find. So far I've been charged $600. FML

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By okthen - 10/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

One day with him

Today, I finally made a move on the guy I've been crushing on for years...by getting so drunk that I puked in his lap. FML

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By betchyo - 1/10/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML

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By awkward. - 17/7/2009 05:02 - United States

Today, I found out that my new boss at my job is the same guy that I turned down repeatedly last night at the bar. FML

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By poop - 6/2/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2011 23:20 - United States

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 17:03 - United Kingdom - Bristol

They can't feel you

Today, I went to a funeral with my family. As we were walking on the grass to the burial site, my 5-year-old brother curiously asks, in a not-so-quiet voice, "Sissy, are we walking on dead people?" It was hard to answer his question with so many glaring people. FML

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By wallets - 29/2/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML

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29913

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 19:02 - United States - Saint Paul

Stress level: 2020

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 02:33 - United States

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 14:00

Oddly specific thief

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My steering wheel. FML

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By Arachnofail - 8/4/2016 04:16 - France - Goussainville

Today, while driving, a spider crawled onto my gearstick. Not being afraid of them, I casually flicked it off. Onto the person sitting next to me. The person evaluating me for my driving test at the time, who happened to be arachnophobic. FML

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Top comments

By Tarak_fml | 7

#680063 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:16

Epicly awesome

By Bloodknight | 22

#680071 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:21

OMG! I DIED when I read this, bwahaha! Thank you for the laugh!

COMMENTS

By i_is_a_tr00l | 0

#680053 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:14

ME TOO!
I would love too, too. ;-0

hershey098 | 0

#840506 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 8:19

omg I peeed my pants I was laughing so hard

snagglepaste | 0

#1076600 - Saturday 10 July 2010 7:15

Isn't that a compliment?

abcnonamecba | 0

#1226407 - Thursday 12 August 2010 5:44

it would b if he wasn't an old mam

By Tarak_fml | 7

#680063 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:16

Epicly awesome

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#969074 - Saturday 27 March 2010 9:21

So is the OP's name.

DJMAC7 | 0

#971689 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 6:01

haha if i were there id give that old man a hi five

killerpenguin4 | 9

#1076349 - Saturday 10 July 2010 3:50

epic win for the old man

dalink | 24

#5329163 - Friday 18 January 2013 7:48

I hope I'm that quick-witted and perverted when I'm an old man.... Kinda like Lewis black.

By 123e3 | 0

#680064 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:17

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA

By Bloodknight | 22

#680071 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:21

OMG! I DIED when I read this, bwahaha! Thank you for the laugh!

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2011461 - Thursday 27 January 2011 4:37

lol same here!!

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2016167 - Friday 28 January 2011 11:14

lol same here!!

ghandilover25 | 3

#4440638 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 3:25

Know what I love... When people comment the same thing twice.

By m3aghan | 0

#680084 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:27

LOL!

FluxPavilion | 6

#5469352 - Sunday 28 April 2013 19:23

That comment was so deep. Please tell your story again.

By picturetaker | 0

#680089 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:29

lolz, that would be awesome. I don't see how this is an FML.

metallica24x7 | 0

#1087295 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 4:55

ur hot

Kingcc | 0

#2486591 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 3:13

^veryy

FluxPavilion | 6

#5469360 - Sunday 28 April 2013 19:24

Would you like to be fucked by an old man?:b

By Erindub | 0

#680091 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:29

Coolest old man EVER!

raineydayes | 0

#970035 - Sunday 28 March 2010 18:56

^^Agreed!!! One of the funniest old men too!

By crazyarsedfly | 14

#680097 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:33

Hahaha, awesome! Older people always come out with hilarious comments.

klimpomppp | 9

#5370816 - Saturday 16 February 2013 21:10

You get a thumb up for cute/fuckin awesome profile pic

By ohmygoodnex | 0

#680105 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:41

Sorry, that was you?
Oops.

tabasorus | 0

#1805663 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 2:50

OMG NOODLE!!!!!!

By lilkim222 | 0

#680110 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:43

lol that's soo creepy but funny at the same time. but it's not really a fml it's just a old man joking around