Intimacy: Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little....

By pussystroker - United Kingdom

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

Season finale

Shark-infested offices

By yulis - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

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By BrokeBride - United States - Hudson

Today, I asked for time off from work for my wedding and honeymoon. A grand total of three days. My boss made a face like he'd sucked on rancid toes and asked me if I was stupid. Awesome. FML

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By Tay Tay

Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "no one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML

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By Username

Today, my brother announced his engagement. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor. My ex, who told me after five years of dating that he didn't believe in marriage, is going to be the Best Man. I get to walk down the aisle with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML

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By Fought The Law - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor called the police because my cat was in her yard. I now have a citation and a court date. Apparently, there is a leash law for cats in my town, and it is taken very seriously. FML

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By howniceofyou - Canada

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. They grabbed and lifted me in the air, about to throw me in the pool. My iPhone was in my pocket, so I screamed "MY PHONE!" They paused so I could gently throw it onto a deck chair. It bounced, hit the concrete, and cracked its screen. FML

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By dumped - United States - Atlanta

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking in my backyard. All I was wearing were my boxers and one sock. I staggered up to see my car halfway through my garage wall with a note saying "Sorry Dude". FML

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By SayCheese - Canada - Prince George

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while buying Red Dead Redemption 2, the cashier spoiled the ending. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I was very sick and kept throwing up. I took a shower after every time I threw up. While in the shower after I threw up, I had to throw up again, so I got out and ran to the toilet. I slipped on the tile, broke my nose on the floor, and then threw up. FML

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By pissypants

Maybe he's into that...

Today, at the movies on a date, I drank all my soda and waited too long. I couldn't take it anymore and quickly got up, knocking my dates popcorn on the floor, and ran to the bathroom. I didn’t make it and went home in shame. It’s better he thinks I stood him up. FML

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By lovelesslonely - United States

Today, my boyfriend brought me home flowers and candy for the first time in our 1 year relationship. Thinking he was going to finally propose, I got excited. I asked why he was being so sweet, and he responded with, "I thought you'd take the breakup better this way." FML

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By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom

Today, at a cheap restaurant, my dad asked me if I wanted a straw. I declined, saying I wanted to do my bit for the environment and not waste plastic when I'm fine without. He grabbed three and dropped them on the sticky table, "just in case." FML

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By Rain

Today, I discovered my own mother has been stealing money from me for months when I opened my savings box to find it empty. FML

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By Forgetful godmother

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

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2096

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By bad sis sad sis - 24/9/2020 02:01

Snitches get stitches

Today, I told my mom that I walked in on my sister and her boyfriend having sex. My mom flew into a rage and slapped me several times, calling me a liar and made me apologize to my sister for saying something “so disgusting” about her. I wasn’t lying and she just smirked the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Threat Neutralized

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

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By anon. - United States

Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my roommates cat meowing so loudly at her door, wanting in. Suddenly it stopped. I was just falling back into sleep when I rolled over and the cat was right there beside my head. Meowing. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, without telling me, my mom dropped me off at my grandmother's house, and drove off. Now I'm supposed to spend the next month with her. Guess she forgot my grandma died six weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. After yelling and arguing my point, my cat got up and jumped up next to her on the bed. He sat down, and they both glared at me until I left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

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By SBae - United States - Uniontown

Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 14:00

Hard to bare

Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML

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By Bubba - United States

Today, I bought a fish bowl and a fish for $15. I brought him home and sat him on my desk. Everything was going well until the shelf gave out and his bowl slid off of the shelf... onto my $2,000 computer. The computer is fried and is not covered by the insurance, the fish is fine. FML

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By Jello - United States

Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML

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By photomark - United States

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

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By Labro9

Today, as I was transcribing my manager's recorded orated memo, I heard an unmistakable grunt and splash of an impromptu "bathroom deposit". Seems my manager is economising his time like never before. FML

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By K.S.S. - United States - Rushville

Today, when I tried to break up with my girlfriend of 2 years, she had no idea we were even dating. She thought of all the movies, dinners and "sleep overs" I had with her was because we were such great friends. FML

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By loz4151336 - 3/3/2020 12:06

Criminal minds at their best

Today, my friends wanted to try to dine and dash at a McDonald's. I had to explain why that wouldn't work. FML

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By banana12321 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 03:02

Kids, it doesn't get any better

Today, I was sitting in class when I overheard a group talking about how much they don't like me. When they saw me there, they burst out laughing. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML

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By wtf1234 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

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By djoe - Australia

Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML

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Top comments

By Tarak_fml | 7

#680063 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:16

Epicly awesome

By Bloodknight | 22

#680071 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:21

OMG! I DIED when I read this, bwahaha! Thank you for the laugh!

COMMENTS

By i_is_a_tr00l | 0

#680053 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:14

ME TOO!
I would love too, too. ;-0

hershey098 | 0

#840506 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 8:19

omg I peeed my pants I was laughing so hard

snagglepaste | 0

#1076600 - Saturday 10 July 2010 7:15

Isn't that a compliment?

abcnonamecba | 0

#1226407 - Thursday 12 August 2010 5:44

it would b if he wasn't an old mam

By Tarak_fml | 7

#680063 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:16

Epicly awesome

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#969074 - Saturday 27 March 2010 9:21

So is the OP's name.

DJMAC7 | 0

#971689 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 6:01

haha if i were there id give that old man a hi five

killerpenguin4 | 9

#1076349 - Saturday 10 July 2010 3:50

epic win for the old man

dalink | 24

#5329163 - Friday 18 January 2013 7:48

I hope I'm that quick-witted and perverted when I'm an old man.... Kinda like Lewis black.

By 123e3 | 0

#680064 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:17

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA

By Bloodknight | 22

#680071 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:21

OMG! I DIED when I read this, bwahaha! Thank you for the laugh!

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2011461 - Thursday 27 January 2011 4:37

lol same here!!

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2016167 - Friday 28 January 2011 11:14

lol same here!!

ghandilover25 | 3

#4440638 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 3:25

Know what I love... When people comment the same thing twice.

By m3aghan | 0

#680084 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:27

LOL!

FluxPavilion | 6

#5469352 - Sunday 28 April 2013 19:23

That comment was so deep. Please tell your story again.

By picturetaker | 0

#680089 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:29

lolz, that would be awesome. I don't see how this is an FML.

metallica24x7 | 0

#1087295 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 4:55

ur hot

Kingcc | 0

#2486591 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 3:13

^veryy

FluxPavilion | 6

#5469360 - Sunday 28 April 2013 19:24

Would you like to be fucked by an old man?:b

By Erindub | 0

#680091 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:29

Coolest old man EVER!

raineydayes | 0

#970035 - Sunday 28 March 2010 18:56

^^Agreed!!! One of the funniest old men too!

By crazyarsedfly | 14

#680097 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:33

Hahaha, awesome! Older people always come out with hilarious comments.

klimpomppp | 9

#5370816 - Saturday 16 February 2013 21:10

You get a thumb up for cute/fuckin awesome profile pic

By ohmygoodnex | 0

#680105 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:41

Sorry, that was you?
Oops.

tabasorus | 0

#1805663 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 2:50

OMG NOODLE!!!!!!

By lilkim222 | 0

#680110 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:43

lol that's soo creepy but funny at the same time. but it's not really a fml it's just a old man joking around