Intimacy: Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little....

By pussystroker - United Kingdom

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

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Intimacy

Commando

Vulture

Season finale

By Anonymous - 8/4/2021 17:00 - United States - San Diego

I hate my life

Today, I woke up and remembered that I'm in law school. Now, I'm about to go to sleep, and I'm still in law school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

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By Alex - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

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By onemoreruinedthing - United States

Today, my little brother learned to write his name. How did he tell the family? By writing it in permanent marker all over my 100 year old piano. FML

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By Awahso - United States - Buford

Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend has big fake boobs, but gets offended when I tell her how much I like them. FML

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By duped - Pakistan

Today, our cleaning lady's son came to our house claiming that his mother had died of a heart attack. We gave him her entire month's salary as well as some extra money. A few hours later, our cleaning lady turned up for work. Turns out she doesn't have a son. FML

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By smf_ds - Portugal - Rebordosa

Today, I witnessed my dad spreading his ass cheeks to show my mom the rashes his hemorrhoids are giving him. FML

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By newmoongirl1036 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I really like. At the last minute he informed me a friend would be tagging along. To keep his friend from being a third-wheel, I kept up a conversation, and managed to piss my date off. He thought I would be a better match for his friend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to an auction for the first time. When the run-down house I wanted to bid for came up, I opened bidding at £12,000 and surprisingly won. Feeling pleased, I turned to the person next to me and said, "Lucky me!" She replied, "Yes, lucky you!" and then under her breath said, "Cockhead". FML

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By Whatswrongwithme? - United Kingdom

Today, I told my girlfriend I loved her. She left and never came back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Iowa City

Today, in the middle of sex with my boyfriend, my visiting brother knocked on the door saying he'd want to hear the details later. My boyfriend said, "Sure", and kept going. FML

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By Vac - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. They informed me they were lawyers throughout the meal, which explained the gorgeous house. My boyfriend excitedly told them I was promoted manager at my job. They asked where I work. I work at Burger King. FML

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By Girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

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By Aisu - United States

Today, my mother called me a bad son for not telling her "Happy Mother's Day". When I told her Mother's Day wasn't until the 10th, she said that I would have forgotten anyway. FML

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By Daniella - 12/11/2020 11:03 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Online classes can be tricky

Today, I accidentally unmuted my mic during a class, and normally it would've just been silence, but dumb old me just had to sing a song at the top of my lungs, and I only stopped when my phone blew up with notifications. Great. FML

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316

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By Jen - 24/1/2021 13:58 - United States

Jealous?

Today, my unborn child's father told me he stood outside of my friend's house for an hour in the snow in the middle of the night because he thought I was with another guy. I was at her house helping with her four kids. FML

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990

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By FMLer - United States

Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

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By rach - United States - Roy

Today, I got my nails, hair, and makeup professionally done for prom. My dad got his camera out, and I presumed he was taking pictures of my date and me. When I looked at the pictures later, they were all of the dog. FML

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By mylifesuckssomuch3214 - United States

Today, after complaining to the administration about my roommate, I finally got switched. As I went into the room to meet my new roommate, I found out he was my old roommate's brother. They are exactly the same, and I'm not allowed to switch again. FML

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By o___O" - Belgium - Brussels

Today, while at the supermarket, a complete stranger ran up to me, got down on his knee and confessed his love for me. He was obviously mentally unstable, so I gently declined. He started crying very loudly in front of everyone. I still don't have a clue who he was. FML

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By Broken - 7/1/2021 11:01 - United States - Toledo

Healthcare for all

Today, thanks to America's opiate epidemic, I can no receive the pain management I require for broken ribs. FML

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By ShockBait - United States

Today, it was my next-door neighbor's birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML

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By don’tletthembite

Gifts for the whole family

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

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By Nohearingornoeating

WHAT?

Today, my brand-new digital hearing aid fell out of my ear as I was walking home from the store. I've retraced my steps, but cannot find it anywhere. It cost $2000, and replacement, like the hearing aid itself, is not covered by insurance. FML

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By OyGeeze28 - United States

Today, at work in a liquor store, a man came in to demand a refund because after he "drank the whole bottle of Jack" he "couldn't get it up" for his wife. He thought that alcohol was supposed to be an aphrodisiac, and blamed me personally for his "whiskey dick". FML

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By demk - United States

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

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By Live Sweet

Today, I finally hooked up with the guy that I have been in love with forever. If there is such a thing as soul mates, this guy is it. He's my best friend in the whole world. It was the worst sex I have ever had. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bradenton

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

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By fuckalltwitardsintheface - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

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By Mellamononeyobiz - United States - Hooper

Today, my mom smoked pot in my sister's bedroom while I was at school. When I noticed the stench, she blamed the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that they were having problems delivering a bouquet from my ex. I was thrilled at the idea of a reconciliation. Turns out however that he just got mine and his new girlfriend's phone numbers confused. FML

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By Earthling - Colombia - Bogot?

Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

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By Rynne S. - United States

Today, I got my yearbook. My sister and I are identical twins, and we realized only my sister had a picture in it. When we asked the head of yearbook, they said they thought it was the same girl trying to get two pictures, so they put in the prettier one. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 20:00

It never ends

Today, I had a "nightmare" where I found out I had more homework than I originally realized, and spent the entire dream doing homework. There is no escape. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 14:02

Queef Richards

Today, I had two customers who had some questions about their phones. Walking over, my cooch graced us with an audible fart sound that I‘m sure everybody heard. FML

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By RunningMurphy - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

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By jaqlove - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By smellyhouse - Canada

Today, my brother decided deodorant causes cancer. He goes to the gym every day. FML

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Top comments

By Tarak_fml | 7

#680063 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:16

Epicly awesome

By Bloodknight | 22

#680071 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:21

OMG! I DIED when I read this, bwahaha! Thank you for the laugh!

COMMENTS

By i_is_a_tr00l | 0

#680053 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:14

ME TOO!
I would love too, too. ;-0

hershey098 | 0

#840506 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 8:19

omg I peeed my pants I was laughing so hard

snagglepaste | 0

#1076600 - Saturday 10 July 2010 7:15

Isn't that a compliment?

abcnonamecba | 0

#1226407 - Thursday 12 August 2010 5:44

it would b if he wasn't an old mam

By Tarak_fml | 7

#680063 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:16

Epicly awesome

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#969074 - Saturday 27 March 2010 9:21

So is the OP's name.

DJMAC7 | 0

#971689 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 6:01

haha if i were there id give that old man a hi five

killerpenguin4 | 9

#1076349 - Saturday 10 July 2010 3:50

epic win for the old man

dalink | 24

#5329163 - Friday 18 January 2013 7:48

I hope I'm that quick-witted and perverted when I'm an old man.... Kinda like Lewis black.

By 123e3 | 0

#680064 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:17

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA

By Bloodknight | 22

#680071 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:21

OMG! I DIED when I read this, bwahaha! Thank you for the laugh!

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2011461 - Thursday 27 January 2011 4:37

lol same here!!

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2016167 - Friday 28 January 2011 11:14

lol same here!!

ghandilover25 | 3

#4440638 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 3:25

Know what I love... When people comment the same thing twice.

By m3aghan | 0

#680084 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:27

LOL!

FluxPavilion | 6

#5469352 - Sunday 28 April 2013 19:23

That comment was so deep. Please tell your story again.

By picturetaker | 0

#680089 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:29

lolz, that would be awesome. I don't see how this is an FML.

metallica24x7 | 0

#1087295 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 4:55

ur hot

Kingcc | 0

#2486591 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 3:13

^veryy

FluxPavilion | 6

#5469360 - Sunday 28 April 2013 19:24

Would you like to be fucked by an old man?:b

By Erindub | 0

#680091 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:29

Coolest old man EVER!

raineydayes | 0

#970035 - Sunday 28 March 2010 18:56

^^Agreed!!! One of the funniest old men too!

By crazyarsedfly | 14

#680097 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:33

Hahaha, awesome! Older people always come out with hilarious comments.

klimpomppp | 9

#5370816 - Saturday 16 February 2013 21:10

You get a thumb up for cute/fuckin awesome profile pic

By ohmygoodnex | 0

#680105 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:41

Sorry, that was you?
Oops.

tabasorus | 0

#1805663 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 2:50

OMG NOODLE!!!!!!

By lilkim222 | 0

#680110 - Thursday 19 November 2009 23:43

lol that's soo creepy but funny at the same time. but it's not really a fml it's just a old man joking around