Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling...

By fmlsrsly - 25/3/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML

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Love

Instadrama

Season finale

Deep-seated resentment

By Shamdog48 - 11/4/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2013 07:01 - United States

Today, I actually considered my boyfriend romantic and deserving of an award when he didn't fart after sex. FML

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By BellinaNico - 25/5/2013 04:40 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML

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By CRC - 23/11/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, a freshman set off the fire alarm in my dorm at 2 a.m. He tried to microwave Easy Mac without adding water. I had to stand outside for 45 minutes while the firemen moved the noodles to the sink and ran cold water over them. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 02:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Optimism

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

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By clitty clitty bang bang - 13/4/2012 22:40 - United States - Brownsville

Today, after two years of vigorously fundraising on behalf of my senior class, they voted on spending the senior trip money at a waterpark. It's less than thirty minutes from where we all live. FML

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By mayhemily - 21/9/2015 16:22 - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

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By iwantpizza69 - 12/2/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I told the guy I have feelings for that I'm interested in, and asked him how he feels about it. He responded via text, saying, "I feel fairly neutral about that." FML

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By spinster - 16/9/2015 02:10 - United States - Lubbock

Today, as I was creeping on social media, I realized that literally everyone I've ever dated is either happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. My last date was at the beginning of the summer. FML

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By jadehin - 8/11/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son's baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don't worry, he came back to get some cake. FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, my mom decided to give me relationship advice. She told me the key to a happy/successful relationship was "letting your man explore ALL your orifices." FML

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By time to lawyer up - 20/2/2014 21:20 - United States - Forney

Today, I saw a photo on my mother-in-law's Facebook, proudly showing off the horrible job she'd done of painting her car. I sarcastically commented that I wouldn't inflict that on my worst enemy's ride. An hour later, she came by and emptied a bucket of paint over my windshield. FML

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By Boarder - 1/6/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML

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By szinna - 7/6/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML

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By dogwheels - 20/12/2011 11:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to sit and listen to my co-worker moan about how early he has to get up tomorrow to go on his ski holiday in France over Christmas. He also complained about how tiring skiing is. FML

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By jamerz - 26/5/2019 04:00

Today, someone informed me that my new boyfriend's tattoo is really an old Nazi symbol and not just a poorly-drawn skull. Now I'm trying to figure out how to ask him whether he's a neo-Nazi or not. Why am I so nervous? I'm Jewish, he just hasn't heard my last name yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 08:01

When pranks go wrong

Today, as punishment for a prank, my girlfriend has banned all forms of sex, kissing or touching for the foreseeable future. She’s also started stripping as soon as she gets home and walking around in just her thong, or sometimes even completely naked, just to make my suffering worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2018 20:30

Today, on the train, a man kept grabbing my crotch. When I told him to stop, I got yelled at for harassing an elderly man. FML

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By Deceptive Dog 1242 - 23/8/2018 14:30 - United States

It's Cat-Dog!

Today, I pulled something out of my tiny 6 month old puppy's mouth, thinking it was a cord that he had gotten a hold of. As it turns out, it was a baby mouse he had caught and killed. FML

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By Stinky. - 9/4/2012 03:29 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend was complaining about how we never see the movies he wants to see. So I took him to the movies, and he picked which one. Then he fell asleep. FML

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By RosesAreRed - 14/2/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

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By neckcrack - 7/9/2010 10:18 - Australia

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic during it, and wound up cracking my neck loudly, and had to stop while the pain settled down. FML

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By Btdtgts - 25/3/2017 14:00

Today, I had to take out the grease traps from our fryers. A very rude co-worker cut me off, so I had to abruptly stop and try to prevent as much spilling as possible. Luckily, it only spilled on me. I'm here for six more hours with burned, smelly, greasy spots all over my skin and clothes. FML

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By failure - 8/4/2011 05:24

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

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By Ugh - 15/11/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was really depressed so I talked on the phone with my best friend. She was telling me how a guy she really liked complimented her. I told her it was be nice to get at least one compliment. After a long silence she says, "You're really good with computers." FML

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By norestforthewicked - 14/2/2017 15:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML

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By Huedadaa - 19/10/2013 00:05 - France - Cauffry

Today, I asked my students to buy a copy of Anne Frank's diary for an assignment. One of them asked me in all seriousness who wrote it. FML

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By KatieElizabeth - 27/10/2013 04:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at work, I had a customer accuse me of taking the giftcard I had issued her for her return, after spending 15 minutes trying to fix her screwed up transaction. She began to yell, and follow me around the store. Security had to intervene and I had to be locked in an office until she left. FML

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By Ceej - 28/10/2012 04:06 - United States - Grand Haven

Today, my husband and I were told by our elderly neighbors that they can hear us having sex a lot. To top it off, the elderly man said while patting his wife's arm with a smile, "Carol used to make noises like that too, back in the day." FML

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By Noname - 2/2/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

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By fuglymug - 8/1/2016 21:48 - United States - Appleton

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

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By Eh... - 19/7/2009 07:25 - Ukraine

Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML

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By CLH - 25/1/2011 18:08 - Canada

Today, I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer. To my surprise, the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top. During my efforts to retrieve it, I had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day. The ring sank further and further until it was completely gone. FML

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By realitybites - 8/7/2013 17:03 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

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By authentic - 18/2/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, my tattoo artist boyfriend of five months gave me my first tattoo in celebration of my 18th birthday. It was supposed to be a heart with my name in script. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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By hawkknight - 23/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Portland

Today, at work, I broke the drinks machine for the third time. The first two times I broke the key, this time I switched it off and couldn't turn it back on after my manager warned me not to mess with it AFTER I had switched it off. The best part? The key is still broken from last time. FML

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By fmlprobot - 4/6/2009 23:48 - United States

Today, my baseball team had a game and one of our best players was injured sliding into first. I'm pretty fast so when the coach called my name I grabbed a helmet assuming it was finally my chance to get in the game. Turns out he just wanted me to get ice. The entire team couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Turbo - 17/6/2019 02:23

Today, as a truck driver, I was flipped off, cursed at, told to go to hell and several other obscenities because I was a half-hour EARLY to my delivery. FML

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By musicislife1337 - 8/1/2012 07:24 - Canada

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

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By backtosquareone - 4/10/2011 05:22 - Asia/Pacific Region

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Devastated, he withered onto the floor into an inconsolable wreck in front of dozens of people. The ribbon of embarrassment that went down my spine was too much for me to handle, so I had to tell him I was "only joking." FML

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Top comments

By drybamboo | 0

#58403 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:21

That was a bit selfish of you. There are such things as allergy medicine. To some people, their pets are like their children. And for you to make such an ultimatum is an asshole move. Good job.

By jesslackszazz | 0

#58390 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:19

To be honest, i'd choose the cat as well.

COMMENTS

By Venged_Kitty | 0

#58373 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:16

Cat: 1
You: Haw

Bl4ck_1c3 | 2

#866027 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 18:25

did you not notice he was alergic to his girlfriends pussy?

crazykunuklildoo | 0

#1202031 - Saturday 7 August 2010 4:05

your girlfriend must love her pussy

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1416137 - Friday 17 September 2010 2:16

Stupid they always chose the cat YDI never ask a me or the cat or anything else.

By love_lucy | 0

#58377 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:17

but why would she choose you over her pet?
you wouldnt be abandoned alone on the street if she hadnt picked you; the cat would
sorry about the breakup though

Macromartyr | 3

#986325 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 19:48

You still can't expect someone to give up their pet for you. Pets are family, I would have ditched you.

Macromartyr | 3

#1954027 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 9:16

Jeez I read too many FML if I come across my old comments...

cupcakechick | 17

#5410559 - Monday 18 March 2013 20:36

because they've been together for 2 years

By jesslackszazz | 0

#58390 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:19

To be honest, i'd choose the cat as well.

By rcd622 | 0

#58395 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:20

dude what were u hoping for u ever think that you just dont go to her house? YDI!

DarkSaul | 20

#3150211 - Sunday 21 August 2011 4:10

How the fuck he deserve it

Wow_FYL_BIZNITCH | 7

#4405964 - Tuesday 8 May 2012 6:49

They might live together? :o

SpamPam | 18

#6047650 - Monday 25 August 2014 20:47

By trying to make her choose over what she loves

By ladyx_fml | 0

#58400 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:21

my ex did the same thing...we were together for over 4 years. he had the cat for a year and a half.

By drybamboo | 0

#58403 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:21

That was a bit selfish of you. There are such things as allergy medicine. To some people, their pets are like their children. And for you to make such an ultimatum is an asshole move. Good job.

MrForgetable | 0

#5013730 - Sunday 7 October 2012 3:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

jpsullivan | 36

#5999707 - Sunday 6 July 2014 17:32

I'm horribly allergic to cats and there are ways around it. Giving her an ultimatum like that is just emotionally abusive.

StolenKnight | 7

#6000331 - Monday 7 July 2014 4:46

I have severe cat allergies and I have tried every medicine in the book but it's still unbearable any time I'm near a cat I can't see and can hardly breathe, so I'm on the OP's side 100%

KrazyKatz3 | 26

#7530241 - Tuesday 15 August 2017 22:38

If I take allergy medicine and my inhaler I'm okay. There was a better way to approach that

By marz88 | 0

#58404 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:21

Never make a woman choose between her pet and you. You never win

natsaysheyyy | 16

#5229861 - Sunday 9 December 2012 10:24

That is TRUE. I'd pick my dog every time.

summerguy97 | 16

#5479050 - Sunday 5 May 2013 8:07

Never make ANYONE an ultimatum regarding their pets.

By Freudian_Slip | 0

#58410 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:22

If she left you for a cat she wasn't worth it IMO.

By Tehalon | 0

#58415 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:23

If i had to chose besides a cat and a girl because the girl wants me to then i pick the cat even if im allergic to cats! YDI for making her chose you selfish bastard!

DarkSaul | 20

#3150238 - Sunday 21 August 2011 4:15

How he is being selfish you douche he is allergic to cat

By JackTheRipper_fml | 0

#58416 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:23

i would haven chosen that cat too if my boy friend was a pussy