Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling...

By fmlsrsly - 25/3/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML

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Love

Boozehound

Dad jokes, part 43884

Oh, hai!

By Loveless - 5/6/2011 12:23 - Canada

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

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By Bruce - 2/2/2012 03:11 - United States

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

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By it's just a name - 10/1/2013 05:53 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my husband and I found the perfect house, in our price range and everything we wanted in a house. However, the street it's on is called "Arbour Butte Road". My husband refuses to buy it because he doesn't want it to sound like he lives "in a tree's ass." I'm married to an idiot. FML

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By seriously - 5/3/2013 00:43 - United States - Goshen

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 07:27 - United States

Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Roxboro

Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML

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By dumping time - 25/11/2012 22:38 - United Kingdom - Aylesford

Today, I woke up to my balls covered in Icy Hot, a big old "fuck you" note from my girlfriend, and my door slamming shut. I'm starting to get the distinct impression I shouldn't have made that off-hand remark last night about her PMSing, after she rage-quit a game of Mario Kart. FML

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By Dog fart - 13/2/2010 16:08 - United States

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2019 03:10

Today, I was playing beer pong at a party and managed to get the ball in a cup. I jumped a little bit in excitement and somehow managed to fracture my foot while doing so. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:20 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a shower together for the first time. He was trying impress me and did some sort of dance move, he slipped, and when he fell he kicked my leg out causing me to fall and hit my face on the faucet. FML

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By SpanishInFrenchClass - 6/12/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2013 16:01 - United States - Bensenville

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 06:39 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML

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By T-Bear - 7/10/2015 15:02 - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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By MM - 2/2/2012 14:50

Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML

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By PhantomKitty - 21/10/2016 03:07 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

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By MalariaFree - 14/6/2009 11:08 - Uganda

Today, I went to a hospital in Uganda, where I'm working with an NGO for the summer. I had a high fever and other symptoms of malaria. They gave me a test, and I don't have malaria. I am now however sick from the water they gave me to wash down a medication to reduce fever. FML

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By Gale - 13/1/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

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By ihatepokemon - 22/7/2013 22:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got angry because I laughed when he asked me if he should retire from being a Pokemon Trainer. He was serious. He's also 21. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2016 03:02 - Canada - Fort Smith

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

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By Wilhelm - 26/4/2016 14:47 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML

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By dammed - 27/1/2009 19:41 - United States

Today, I got a text from my roommate asking me if it was cool that my ex was coming over to console him because he's sick. FML

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By Username - 7/8/2011 08:08 - Reserved

Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2011 00:21 - United States

Today, I went outside for a cigarette since I don't like smoking in the house. When I was done, I stomped it out. I wasn't wearing shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

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By morg2000 - 17/2/2009 23:23 - Mexico

Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML

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By edot - 16/1/2010 03:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

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By ordinaryday - 22/5/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

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By NotALuckyGuy - 7/4/2015 16:19 - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML

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By purpleivy - 6/9/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

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By experience_to_get_experience - 21/9/2015 19:09 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

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By Snoodist - 6/5/2019 20:00

Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML

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By me - 18/5/2011 04:13

Today, my boyfriend of nearly 4 years, with whom I have a baby, broke up with me. His reason? His best friend said he didn't like drinking with guys who were "tied down". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By caught out - 26/4/2014 23:29 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

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By thestudent - 18/2/2011 09:30 - Philippines

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

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By dragonstooth257 - 25/2/2019 16:00

Today, my child is so super clingy and needy, I have to sit and watch her bounce on the trampoline attentatively or else face hours and hours of whining. She's like the Screamapillar from the Simpsons. FML

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By cat_lady - 5/4/2020 17:00

Follow the yellow brown road

Today, I watched as my poor old cat dragged his ass across our living room carpet, leaving an equally long shit stain on our pristine carpet. My pleas for him to stop only made his diarrhea worse as he ran off. FML

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By nullroute - 16/2/2016 11:34 - Switzerland - Full

Today, I found out that while on foreign exchange for over six months now, I have been pronouncing the word for "night" in German wrong. Apparently, this whole time, the way that I have been pronouncing it in German means "naked". This explains a lot. FML

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By Lisa - 16/12/2014 03:38 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my 5-year-old daughter was asked by her teacher to write a letter to each member of her family to read during the holidays. Her letter to me said, "Dear mommy, come on. You could have done better than dad." FML

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Top comments

By drybamboo | 0

#58403 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:21

That was a bit selfish of you. There are such things as allergy medicine. To some people, their pets are like their children. And for you to make such an ultimatum is an asshole move. Good job.

By jesslackszazz | 0

#58390 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:19

To be honest, i'd choose the cat as well.

Comments

By Venged_Kitty | 0

#58373 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:16

Cat: 1
You: Haw

Bl4ck_1c3 | 2

#866027 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 18:25

did you not notice he was alergic to his girlfriends pussy?

crazykunuklildoo | 0

#1202031 - Saturday 7 August 2010 4:05

your girlfriend must love her pussy

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1416137 - Friday 17 September 2010 2:16

Stupid they always chose the cat YDI never ask a me or the cat or anything else.

By love_lucy | 0

#58377 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:17

but why would she choose you over her pet?
you wouldnt be abandoned alone on the street if she hadnt picked you; the cat would
sorry about the breakup though

Macromartyr | 3

#986325 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 19:48

You still can't expect someone to give up their pet for you. Pets are family, I would have ditched you.

Macromartyr | 3

#1954027 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 9:16

Jeez I read too many FML if I come across my old comments...

cupcakechick | 17

#5410559 - Monday 18 March 2013 20:36

because they've been together for 2 years

By jesslackszazz | 0

#58390 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:19

To be honest, i'd choose the cat as well.

By rcd622 | 0

#58395 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:20

dude what were u hoping for u ever think that you just dont go to her house? YDI!

DarkSaul | 20

#3150211 - Sunday 21 August 2011 4:10

How the fuck he deserve it

Wow_FYL_BIZNITCH | 7

#4405964 - Tuesday 8 May 2012 6:49

They might live together? :o

SpamPam | 18

#6047650 - Monday 25 August 2014 20:47

By trying to make her choose over what she loves

By ladyx_fml | 0

#58400 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:21

my ex did the same thing...we were together for over 4 years. he had the cat for a year and a half.

By drybamboo | 0

#58403 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:21

That was a bit selfish of you. There are such things as allergy medicine. To some people, their pets are like their children. And for you to make such an ultimatum is an asshole move. Good job.

MrForgetable | 0

#5013730 - Sunday 7 October 2012 3:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

jpsullivan | 36

#5999707 - Sunday 6 July 2014 17:32

I'm horribly allergic to cats and there are ways around it. Giving her an ultimatum like that is just emotionally abusive.

StolenKnight | 7

#6000331 - Monday 7 July 2014 4:46

I have severe cat allergies and I have tried every medicine in the book but it's still unbearable any time I'm near a cat I can't see and can hardly breathe, so I'm on the OP's side 100%

KrazyKatz3 | 26

#7530241 - Tuesday 15 August 2017 22:38

If I take allergy medicine and my inhaler I'm okay. There was a better way to approach that

By marz88 | 0

#58404 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:21

Never make a woman choose between her pet and you. You never win

natsaysheyyy | 16

#5229861 - Sunday 9 December 2012 10:24

That is TRUE. I'd pick my dog every time.

summerguy97 | 16

#5479050 - Sunday 5 May 2013 8:07

Never make ANYONE an ultimatum regarding their pets.

By Freudian_Slip | 0

#58410 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:22

If she left you for a cat she wasn't worth it IMO.

By Tehalon | 0

#58415 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:23

If i had to chose besides a cat and a girl because the girl wants me to then i pick the cat even if im allergic to cats! YDI for making her chose you selfish bastard!

DarkSaul | 20

#3150238 - Sunday 21 August 2011 4:15

How he is being selfish you douche he is allergic to cat

By JackTheRipper_fml | 0

#58416 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:23

i would haven chosen that cat too if my boy friend was a pussy