Money: Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some...

By dude - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

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Money

Family values

Messed up

Toxic parents

By wlisy

Drugged?

Today, I went to spend time with friends. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed with several blocked contacts and text messages, saying that what I did was unacceptable. No drugs or alcohol were involved, and I have no memory of this. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to walk through an extremely crowded pub wearing a dorky prisoner outfit to get to a dress-up party at the back. When we got there, I soon realised it wasn't fancy dress, but just black-and-white themed. FML

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By Foxy Lady

Today, I had to help train a new employee at the register. It got busy so I had to take my eyes off her for a few minutes. At that time she managed to let someone walk out with $150 worth of fabric. I couldn't catch the customer. FML

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By twice-a-day - United States

Today, my house is suffering from an infestation of these tiny black beetles. After brushing my teeth tonight, I was rinsing out my toothbrush when I found that one of the beetles had curled up to die between the bristles. FML

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By monogamous - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

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By Lifeguard - United States

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I found out that the only reason why I haven't had a relationship last for more than a week the past 4 years is because of my stalker ex-girlfriend, who has been keeping other women out of my life by making up horrible stories about me. She broke up with me 5 years ago. FML

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By burrito kid - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, as I was taking the driver's test to get my license, I backed into a car. It belonged to the instructor sitting in my passenger seat. FML

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By roughsexgonewrong - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

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By me - United States

Today, a guy came by my house and demanded my fiancé come out and fight. He explained that my fiancé had been stupid enough to not only troll on a local interest forum, but to leave his name and our address, inviting people to "come shut me up if you think you're tough enough." FML

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By Matt - United States

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

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By jsalmons - Germany

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

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By thisisnotavirustrustme.exe - United States - New City

Today, I discovered why my pet bird has been hiding behind my couch pillow lately. It's not because she was nesting, as I thought. She's been secretly tearing apart the whole couch from behind there instead. FML

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By Scorned

Today, as things were getting hot with my girlfriend, it came up that I'm a virgin. She broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salinas

Today, my girlfriend of over four years cheated on me in revenge for me abandoning our date last night. I'm a surgeon on call at the local hospital. FML

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By safetyfirst - Taiwan

Gift for you

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

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By Username - Netherlands

Today, my sister announced that she had gotten engaged. I was happy for her until I found out she's marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied me all through high school. FML

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By Magaña.i.am

Today, I was halfway through eating a what I though was a delicious sandwich, when I turned it over and saw nasty green mold on the bread. FML

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By gb - Australia

Today, I was dancing with the 4 hottest girls I've ever seen at a club, and I fainted. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML

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By :( - United States - Montevideo

Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I decided to check out a dating site, when I stumbled across my ex wife's profile. She'd had it for four out of the five years of our marriage. And no, it didn't rate us as a good match. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

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By HAIRY - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was hanging out with some of my friends when I fell asleep. When I woke up, I found that they had shaved the F word into my arm. I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that this is what my friends do for fun, or that I have enough arm hair to have four letters shaved into it. FML

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By vat - Hong Kong

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she could not stand the thought of being in a relationship with a man who wears orange. This is the first time I've worn an orange shirt in at least 6 months. FML

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By Guess - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of nine months that depression runs in my family and I think the reason I've been flipping shit so much lately may be that I am depressed. Not five minutes later he decided a break would be "the best thing for us right now." FML

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Christmas shopping

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

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By blindsparrow - United States - Dublin

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

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By lizzardbreath - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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By AntiAxe

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

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By SoccerBabe42 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend.' FML

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By Chocolaty - Australia - Geelong

Today, I spiced things up by lying on the bed and pouring melted white chocolate on myself. I called out to my fiancé to come in. He was 'checking' his favourite scene in Batman vs Superman and couldn't hear me. I was stuck unable to move for ten minutes until he finally heard me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roomate's cats pooped on the floor again. He refuses to clean it up saying it will be easier to clean in 48 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 20:06 - Nigeria

Just because you can don't mean you should

Today, I got stuck in my washing machine. When my sister saw me, she just left me there. FML

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By Madagascar - Australia

Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Diana

Today, my roommate asked for my opinion of her new painting. The same painting I hand-painted for over ten hours. She apparently thought it was a gift. She won't give it back. FML

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By PrincessOhNo - United States - Bronx

Today, I dyed my hair back to pastel pink, which it hasn't been in over a year. It goes well with my skin and I was super excited about it so I decided to Snapchat my friend about it. Her response? "You were thinner last time your hair looked like that." FML

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By AllyCat - United States

Today, was my graduation party. My birthday was about a week ago so my parents combined the presents. I thought it would be something big so I hinted for a new TV. I got a snuggie. FML

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Top comments

By MonkeySpeaks | 4

#56415 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

Honestly, have you not learned to never take out your wallet or show how much cash you have on the streets? Thats just basic.

By Bubs_fml | 0

#56406 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:05

Gotta watch out for that Falcon Punch. Even homeless women can do it.

COMMENTS

By Brandy_RazorSpan | 0

#56392 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:03

Really? how dose one let something like that happen?

someone2me2 | 1

#971008 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 11:19

does

cutebuttshorty | 0

#984655 - Sunday 25 April 2010 14:35

what's a bum???

blankaex | 0

#987437 - Sunday 2 May 2010 17:15

Hobo (homeless)

dabears4life | 0

#2979435 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 11:23

people can do some crazy shit on drugs... trust me I used to work in a rehab facility.

jellycorn | 13

#4707570 - Thursday 19 July 2012 13:17

What I find odd is that he knew exactly how tall she was.

chris4u2nv5 | 19

#5885109 - Saturday 15 March 2014 2:03

You sir, need some Jenny Craig or P90X

By mathews666 | 0

#56398 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:04

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

By Bubs_fml | 0

#56406 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:05

Gotta watch out for that Falcon Punch. Even homeless women can do it.

blkwhtrbbt | 0

#811968 - Sunday 31 January 2010 9:03

WIN. what an awesome comment.

By Serial | 2

#56412 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

every bum knows how to fight

GiddyXD | 0

#980657 - Saturday 17 April 2010 0:01

true dat.

By MonkeySpeaks | 4

#56415 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

Honestly, have you not learned to never take out your wallet or show how much cash you have on the streets? Thats just basic.

By reras89 | 0

#56418 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

That's why you don't give a bum money unless you have spare change in your pocket. Why the hell would you expose your wallet. YDI.

By Anonymus101 | 4

#56433 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:10

LOL, YDI for getting your ass kicked by a woman a foot smaller then you.

By AnneFTW | 17

#56436 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:10

Hahaha! I'm sorry for laughing at you but this is just too funny! XD

By mootimee | 0

#56437 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:10

Yes, I'm sure that as you got the shit beaten out of you, you took out your measuring tape to record that this bum was 5'0, exactly.

SenoraC | 0

#1303011 - Thursday 26 August 2010 12:29

I would.

By greenman_fml | 0

#56441 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:11

i have no clue how a 5 foot woman could beat you up. i'm sure there was a way to defend yourself. punch her in the face, run away, punt her, step on her. whatever it takes