Money: Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some...

By dude - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

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Money

BO Central

Business savvy

Ghosted

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

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By fUcKOAHdSAjl - United States - Manchester

Today, my dog was riding my car's passenger seat. He clambered over onto my lap, causing me to lose control of the wheel for a few seconds. As I tried to knock him off me, I lost track of my speed, and ended up being pulled over for reckless driving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

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By Messy love life - 19/2/2021 12:31 - India

Just ask

Today, I casually hooked up with a guy with no strings attached. Later, we had a great conversation and I suddenly realized that I have feelings for him. He wants nothing even close to a relationship and probably doesn't like me back. FML

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By transfer - United States

Today, I asked to change my major at the college I'm transferring to in the fall. Instead of letting me change my major, they withdrew my acceptance. FML

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By Victim - United States

Today, at lifeguard class, I played a victim while my peers strapped me to the backboard in the water. When I was strapped down, I got wood in a wet swimsuit. My hands were strapped down so I could do nothing to hide it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. All because I’m thinking of moving to the UK next year to study, and apparently, a girl he’s been thinking about for a week is a better option. FML

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By shygirl - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

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By Chris - 12/3/2021 20:01

NFT FML

Today, I'm still trying to get my head around what NFTs are, even though my friend walked me through the whole thing during an hour-long conversation. I guess I'm dumb. FML

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By mrnikc - United States

Knowledge is power

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

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By Wyomingwannbe - United States - Lawrence

Today, my wife and I are planning a simple team meal for our son's team. We're stuck on pulled pork or meatballs. I've told her I don't care. She's still indecisive. This has been going on for 2 days. We're now not talking, over meatballs. FML

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By loquacious shit stain - Australia

Today, I had drinks at a friend's house before going out to a concert. I still had a bottle of beer left, so I brought it along with me. I got kicked out five minutes into the show for bringing my own drink, which is apparently against the rules. I paid $75 to get kicked out over a $3 drink. FML

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By 123literateABC - United States - Grand Haven

Today, at work, the janitor would not stop telling me how good I looked. This was after he told me he was fired for sexual harassment at his last job. He clearly learned that lesson. FML

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By fuckbucket14 - Egypt - Hurghada

Today, I got into an argument with my dad in his hotel room. I lost my temper and stormed out onto the balcony for some fresh air, at which point he decided to lock the door behind me, trapping me there for half an hour while he watched TV. FML

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By belieber101 - United Kingdom

Today, I have been left home alone, the electricity has cut out, and I am petrified of the dark. I am stuck downstairs making karate noises every few minutes to scare off creepers. FML

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By EarScentedCandle - United States - Philadelphia

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

Today, after watching Shrek, my little brother started collecting his earwax to make it into a candle like Shrek did. I can’t get him to throw it away even after bribing him with bags of candy. FML

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By huh - United Kingdom - Troon

Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "Ah yeah, give it to me, Woody!" from down the hall. FML

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By Unhelpful - United States

Today, I was called an 'unhelpful little bitch' by a customer, after I informed her that we couldn't order a pair of shoes she wanted from the company in her size because it's a discontinued model. This little tirade continued for another few minutes, with her insulting me and my intelligence. FML

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By Cliché... or Touché?

FML: Uncensored

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

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By Uniforms

Today, a friend of mine asked me to take him to a city about an hour away to pick up his firefighter uniforms. When we arrived, he was told that his uniforms had been shipped to the station he works at. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I took my girlfriend of nearly 2 years out to dinner so I could propose. When the waiter brought the check, I caused a bit of a scene to get everyone's attention. When I got on my knee and proposed, she said no and asked if I could hurry up and pay, because she was embarrassed. FML

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By lindsey822 - 8/4/2021 10:59

Is it though?

Today, my brother and his wife have seriously decided to name their son “Bubba.” I don’t know how to politely explain to them that Bubba is a dog’s name, not a human’s. FML

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By bouda - France

Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

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By D - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

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By Eww - United States - Salem

Today, a girl puked on me. No warnings, nothing. She just threw up on me, then walked off like nothing even happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

#1 Dad!

Today, I told my fiancé he needed to spend at least one night a week at home with his daughter or we will pack up and leave. He responded by getting a suitcase. FML

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By Disappointment - United States - Gresham

Today, I flew home to visit my parents. We haven't seen each other in two years, I've gotten a few tattoos done since, and I knew they wouldn't approve, so I bought whole new outfits that covered everything and looked professional. When I got there, the first thing my mom says to me is, "Is that a nose ring!?" FML

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By spongebob squarepants

Today, I rear-ended someone while trying to watch my odometer hit 80,000 miles. FML

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By Kitten

Today, my sister smashed a cup on my head because I told her she couldn't borrow one of my necklaces since she lost one and stole another. I was grounded for "antagonizing" her into doing it. FML

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By R_U_CEREAL - United States

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

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By Joshtodon

All in a day's work!

Today, I was unloading tile boxes out of my pickup truck into this lady's garage. As I grabbed the last 50-pound box, a passing bird shat on my forehead. Green ooze ran down my whole face. FML

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By Skazzy3

Today, I got banned from my school library after I ran after a guy who stole my bag. FML

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By stuck - United States

Today, I was working as a service writer in an auto service shop. A really cute girl came in to buy a headlight, I offered to install the bulb for her. My hand got stuck behind the headlight, she had to ask one of our mechanics to come remove the air box from her car to get my hand out. FML

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By whywasitthere - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

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By bad son - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

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By ellisp1

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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By Uknowwh - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend and the guy I had a crush on for 2 years are getting married. The worst part is that they've been dating for 2 years in secret, and just came out about it now. I've been telling her for 2 years how much I like him, and she's encouraged me the whole time. FML

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By ohdang - United States

Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

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By gmanbuilder - United States - Louisville

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

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Top comments

By MonkeySpeaks | 4

#56415 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

Honestly, have you not learned to never take out your wallet or show how much cash you have on the streets? Thats just basic.

By Bubs_fml | 0

#56406 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:05

Gotta watch out for that Falcon Punch. Even homeless women can do it.

COMMENTS

By Brandy_RazorSpan | 0

#56392 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:03

Really? how dose one let something like that happen?

someone2me2 | 1

#971008 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 11:19

does

cutebuttshorty | 0

#984655 - Sunday 25 April 2010 14:35

what's a bum???

blankaex | 0

#987437 - Sunday 2 May 2010 17:15

Hobo (homeless)

dabears4life | 0

#2979435 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 11:23

people can do some crazy shit on drugs... trust me I used to work in a rehab facility.

jellycorn | 13

#4707570 - Thursday 19 July 2012 13:17

What I find odd is that he knew exactly how tall she was.

chris4u2nv5 | 19

#5885109 - Saturday 15 March 2014 2:03

You sir, need some Jenny Craig or P90X

By mathews666 | 0

#56398 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:04

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

By Bubs_fml | 0

#56406 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:05

Gotta watch out for that Falcon Punch. Even homeless women can do it.

blkwhtrbbt | 0

#811968 - Sunday 31 January 2010 9:03

WIN. what an awesome comment.

By Serial | 2

#56412 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

every bum knows how to fight

GiddyXD | 0

#980657 - Saturday 17 April 2010 0:01

true dat.

By MonkeySpeaks | 4

#56415 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

Honestly, have you not learned to never take out your wallet or show how much cash you have on the streets? Thats just basic.

By reras89 | 0

#56418 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

That's why you don't give a bum money unless you have spare change in your pocket. Why the hell would you expose your wallet. YDI.

By Anonymus101 | 4

#56433 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:10

LOL, YDI for getting your ass kicked by a woman a foot smaller then you.

By AnneFTW | 17

#56436 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:10

Hahaha! I'm sorry for laughing at you but this is just too funny! XD

By mootimee | 0

#56437 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:10

Yes, I'm sure that as you got the shit beaten out of you, you took out your measuring tape to record that this bum was 5'0, exactly.

SenoraC | 0

#1303011 - Thursday 26 August 2010 12:29

I would.

By greenman_fml | 0

#56441 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:11

i have no clue how a 5 foot woman could beat you up. i'm sure there was a way to defend yourself. punch her in the face, run away, punt her, step on her. whatever it takes