Today, I decided to surprise-visit my grandparents. After knocking... - FML

By kha - 24/3/2009 10:18 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise-visit my grandparents. After knocking on the door and not getting a response, I opened it and walked in. Upon entering their house and yelling, "Hello", as I turned the corner I saw my near-deaf grandmother folding clothes while watching TV. She was topless. FML

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Dad jokes, part 43884

Oh, hai!

You snooze, you lose

By andrie09 - 7/7/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

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By Not a day over 35 - 18/6/2013 13:06 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I turned 29. To celebrate, my office got me a cake that read "Happy 38th!!" The "theme" of the "party" was 'Not a day over 35!' I waited all day for someone to tell me it was all a prank, but nobody did. I spent my lunch hour crying in my car. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By rollergirl13 - 11/1/2014 05:55 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I texted my boyfriend of two years and asked if he wanted to go to ball with me. His response was "The person you are trying to message cancelled their phone service and moved to Mexico. Taco taco burrito." I'll take that as a no. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 06:56 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 16:09 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and after 10 seconds he gave up and said "This is more tiring than I expected". FML

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By GetMoney - 1/10/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I realized that 6 months ago I signed up for a 3 day trial for a porn website that turns into a $30 membership after 3 days. I completely forgot the day after and never viewed it. I've spent $180 so far. And I can't remember my password. FML

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By dead - 9/3/2010 00:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2016 21:29 - United States - Fairfield

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

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By ziggers10 - 7/4/2013 03:19 - United States

Today, I was proposed to, under the condition that I "get thin" first. FML

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By Relevance - 13/8/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, my husband fell for an online scam leaving us 1450.00 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, by helping my sweet, caring boyfriend get over his crippling insecurities and develop some confidence, I've turned him into a lying, cheating asshole I can't stand. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 02:00

Today, I figured out my boyfriend gets out of jail in less than six months. First off, I have a boyfriend in jail. Second, I also realized I'd much prefer he stay in than get out. FML

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By district12 - 18/2/2012 22:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my family started their own version of the Hunger Games. With farts as their ammo, they've been tackling and gassing everyone until their victim "dies" by surrendering. My house is a flatulent war zone, and I fear waking up blind. FML

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By S4L - 2/7/2009 04:13 - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 01:07 - United States - Elkhart

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

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By Loserbot - 4/9/2012 01:02 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Right as she orgasmed, she screamed out Megatron's name. When I later confronted her about this, she said that she always had a crush on him and wanted to be queen of the Decepticons. I've been dating this lunatic for a year and half now. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2013 22:49 - Australia - Kensington

Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML

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By vanessa_d15 - 9/11/2009 07:55 - Canada

Today, I was together with a few of my friends when I got up the courage to confess I have an eating disorder. One of my friends then said "... but you're not skinny." FML

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By omgreally91 - 12/10/2011 23:39 - United States

Today, I spent an hour photoshopping my face onto super skinny models as inspiration for a diet. FML

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By hotdogbunz - 23/1/2018 19:00

Today, my coworker was supposed to pick me up to go to a work event as my car is broken. I waited 3 hours and he never showed. After he arrived late to the event due to traffic, he told my boss that he waited for me and I never came out. Guess who's unemployed now. FML

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By hot_shot - 29/11/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because we watched a movie that Taylor Lautner was in, she claims they made special eye contact and they are destined to be together. FML

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By Arachnaphobe - 3/6/2016 22:14 - United States - Bloomington

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

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By *sigh* - 23/5/2010 01:24 - United States

Today, I was working as a counsellor at a special needs camp when one of the parents came up to my friend and asked her what my disorder was. FML

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By Rar - 9/5/2015 17:13 - United States - Palatine

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

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By ummWhat? - 23/12/2018 02:00

Today my car was broken into. The only thing taken were condoms and lighters I had in the glove box. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2013 18:10 - United States - Miami

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

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By ZydecosGirl - 10/5/2013 03:11 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I started the bleaching treatments that my dentist recommended. Now, my two front teeth have ultra white spots, the rest of my teeth are still yellow and the roof of my mouth is burned. FML

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By bjevilcat2 - 18/10/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

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By Helseac - 17/12/2018 03:00

Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2012 17:03 - Estonia

Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2015 12:34 - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

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By i have failed so very badly - 7/4/2017 18:51 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I found out our eight-year-old son lied about his former babysitter beating him. The babysitter's already thrashed us on social media for believing our son, and now no one in town is willing to babysit for us. Looks like date night is cancelled. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

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By anonymous - 30/1/2018 06:00

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

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By birdhater - 15/10/2009 06:16 - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

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By fuckmeitsgettingworse - 24/2/2014 19:36 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 08:06 - United States

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

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By MLGreco - 14/10/2011 16:11 - United States

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2016 18:02

Today, my boss tried to fire me for not emailing him a screenshot to prove my email wasn't working. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, a little girl came up to me and said "Hi, my name is Lindsey, lets be friends!". I thought she was cute so I played along and said "Okay! My name is Jen!" Her Reply: "Wait, nevermind, I don't want to be friends anymore. You smell funny." FML

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Top comments

By hootersgirl09 | 0

#55794 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:42

Haha a similar experience happened to me...my 7-year-old brother decided as a joke to walk in on my grandma taking a bath. He walks out about a minute later with the most solemn expression ever and goes, "Kate, Grandma's boobs are melting."

By TheAntiComment | 0

#55725 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:14

damn, see if you can hook me up with her

I want that number

Comments

By crashdevil666 | 0

#55700 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:10

lol, did you washed your eyes?

and YUCK

By fosizzlemynizzlE | 0

#55704 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:10

bum chicka wow wow

Reply

breenarae25 | 0

#1468898 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 9:44

u forgot the other chicka wow wow

Reply

ZeroIce | 12

#4677064 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 20:55

Its bow chicka bow bow

By O_W_N_E_D | 0

#55710 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:11

RA CHA CHAAAAAAAAA!!!! GILF?

By xgbladerryo | 0

#55719 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:12

I would have burn my eyes right after dude.

By TheAntiComment | 0

#55725 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:14

damn, see if you can hook me up with her

I want that number

By JackTheRipper_fml | 0

#55727 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:15

i bet shes easy on the eyes and in bed

By zach2519 | 0

#55728 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:15

You should be arrested for breaking and entering.

Reply

thatguy326 | 0

#3415531 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 1:33

Your fucking dumb

Reply

TheTerenity | 9

#4306138 - Sunday 15 April 2012 2:53

It's her Grandparents House, not someone random, so technically, in a form of way, it was okay.

Reply

dotalover | 15

#5809991 - Monday 30 December 2014 10:35

1 word 'blonde'

Reply

katieemerr | 15

#5976901 - Monday 16 June 2014 1:02

#65 I'm not a grammar nazi but as seen as you're calling someone dumb...

You're *

By Shadowflames420 | 0

#55775 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:33

LMAO @ 9. I < 3 you. Will you have my babies?

By Angel_Cult | 0

#55791 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:41

ow thats brutal

By hootersgirl09 | 0

#55794 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:42

Haha a similar experience happened to me...my 7-year-old brother decided as a joke to walk in on my grandma taking a bath. He walks out about a minute later with the most solemn expression ever and goes, "Kate, Grandma's boobs are melting."

Reply

dabomblyktiktikk | 0

#985662 - Tuesday 27 April 2010 4:26

AHAHAHAHAHA tell yer bro some random 13 yr old qirl on the net loves him :]