Miscellaneous: Today, I decided to surprise-visit my grandparents. After knocking... - FML

By kha - United States

Today, I decided to surprise-visit my grandparents. After knocking on the door and not getting a response, I opened it and walked in. Upon entering their house and yelling, "Hello", as I turned the corner I saw my near-deaf grandmother folding clothes while watching TV. She was topless. FML

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Dangling modifier

Capitalism kills

Property law

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition that makes me lactate. I'm a 6' tattooed guy with a boxing competition coming up soon. I'm never going to hear the end of this. FML

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By itwasmyfavoriteshirt - United States - Bentonville

Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML

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By aprilfools22 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

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By rachelllynne - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, the woman I babysat for blamed me for the cut on her son's face, and fired me with no pay for not looking after him properly. He already had the cut when I arrived. FML

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By pleasebackintomycaragain - Canada

Today, as I was sitting in my car in a mall parking lot an old couple got into their new van and backed right into me. The man got out and in broken english decided it was no big deal. He turned to leave and tried to pat my back, but smacked my ass instead. I was hit by a car, and spanked for it. FML

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By Pakundo - France

Today, I went to an underwear shop, and an employee recommended me a push-up bra. I was wearing one. FML

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By NJ - United States

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend that I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlock our flat to see that the place was a mess. She had thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

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By Anonymous - Costa Rica

Today, I found out that my mom goes through my garbage. I'm 25 and don't live with her. FML

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By Sirah90 - United States

Today, my nose started running while in bed with my boyfriend. I kept trying to wipe it off with my arm to avoid ruining the moment. My boyfriend then looks up at me in horror. Turns out it wasn't mucus; it was blood. And it was all over his neck, his shirt, and his silk sheets. FML

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By quarterback - United States

Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML

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By Too much skin?

Today, my girlfriend told me that I have “too much foreskin” and that I’d need to get circumcised if we were going to stay together. I’m already circumcised. FML

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By bonnmo - United States

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

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By queenbee12345678 - United States

Today, I accidentally left my cell phone at the restaurant. When I realized my mistake, I went back to see if anyone had found it. They said no, so I gave them my number to call if it turned up. I realized later that I'd given them my cell phone number. FML

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By ... - France

Today, I was at a school rally I was talking to my friends when I noticed the entire gym had gotten quiet. Not knowing why I thought it would be funny to yell out "it's too quiet!" apparently it was a moment of silence for a teacher that had recently died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Palmer

Today, my mom told me she wasn't an alcoholic because she doesn't get "black out drunk" daily. She only gets drunk enough to slur her words and reek of alcohol daily, so it's okay. FML

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By Anonymous

They'll hear you coming

Today, I was diagnosed with exercise-induced asthma. I wanted to be a cop. FML

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By can't win - Australia

Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML

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By firethorn - United States

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

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By mc_dreamy - United States

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

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By Sadboy - United States

Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States - Montpelier

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macon

Today, as I was pulling into work at 15 weeks pregnant, I projectile vomit all over myself and my vehicle. I had an emotional breakdown as I went back home, and called my boss to let him know I would not be in that day. I am now looking for a new job. FML

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By dammitrain - United States

Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML

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By Oops - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I wanted to tease him, so I got his attention and made my orgasm face when I thought no one was looking. His thirteen year-old cousin saw and now bursts out laughing whenever he sees me. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gorham

Today, after 8 months of being belittled and treated like trash at my job as a prep cook in a high-end kitchen, I stood up for myself to the line cooks. Not only did everyone laugh at me, I got fired for causing a scene during service and insubordination. FML

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By club goer - Canada

Today, I uploaded a new Facebook profile photo, which got over 20 likes in the space of an hour. The most I've ever gotten before was 10. Surprised, I went to check my picture again, only to notice two guys were sarcastically flipping me the bird in the background. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Banner Elk

Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML

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By not funny but :( - United States - Wooster

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

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By iris - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I brought my boyfriend home, and I introduced him to my parents. Afterwards, I took him to my room so we could have some "bonding" time. Right as things got pretty intense, I heard my dad yell, "Stop faking, honey." FML

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By riappp - United States

Today, I farted in my cubicle thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML

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By bluehairedfreakgirl - United States

Today, I was walking down the sidewalk and heard a little girl ask her dad why I had blue hair. He said, "Sometimes drugs will make people do stupid things." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML

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By firstandlastjob - 13/6/2020 14:11

Make it stop

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

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By A bit cowardly?

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked his friend to propose to me for him, because he was too nervous to do it himself. FML

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By Blondie - United States

Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML

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By and she blames me -_- - Canada - Calgary

Today, some ass-bandit broke into my house by smashing a window, just so he could steal the ancient VHS cassette player that my wife wouldn't let me throw away. Thanks, scumbag, but the front door was unlocked. FML

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By TextsAlot - Canada

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

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By SonOfACatKiller - United States - Juno

Alas, poor Tiddles

Today, my mom asked me to pull out the load of laundry she'd stuck in the dryer. Instead of clothes, I pulled out my dead cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I fell down a hill out of my hammock, which broke my phone screen and my sunglasses. My idiot brother launched me out of it, so he could "assert his dominance." He's 11. FML

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Top comments

By hootersgirl09 | 0

#55794 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:42

Haha a similar experience happened to me...my 7-year-old brother decided as a joke to walk in on my grandma taking a bath. He walks out about a minute later with the most solemn expression ever and goes, "Kate, Grandma's boobs are melting."

By TheAntiComment | 0

#55725 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:14

damn, see if you can hook me up with her

I want that number

COMMENTS

By crashdevil666 | 0

#55700 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:10

lol, did you washed your eyes?

and YUCK

By fosizzlemynizzlE | 0

#55704 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:10

bum chicka wow wow

Reply

breenarae25 | 0

#1468898 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 9:44

u forgot the other chicka wow wow

Reply

ZeroIce | 12

#4677064 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 20:55

Its bow chicka bow bow

By O_W_N_E_D | 0

#55710 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:11

RA CHA CHAAAAAAAAA!!!! GILF?

By xgbladerryo | 0

#55719 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:12

I would have burn my eyes right after dude.

By TheAntiComment | 0

#55725 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:14

damn, see if you can hook me up with her

I want that number

By JackTheRipper_fml | 0

#55727 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:15

i bet shes easy on the eyes and in bed

By zach2519 | 0

#55728 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:15

You should be arrested for breaking and entering.

Reply

thatguy326 | 0

#3415531 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 1:33

Your fucking dumb

Reply

TheTerenity | 9

#4306138 - Sunday 15 April 2012 2:53

It's her Grandparents House, not someone random, so technically, in a form of way, it was okay.

Reply

dotalover | 15

#5809991 - Monday 30 December 2013 10:35

1 word 'blonde'

Reply

katieemerr | 15

#5976901 - Monday 16 June 2014 1:02

#65 I'm not a grammar nazi but as seen as you're calling someone dumb...

You're *

By Shadowflames420 | 0

#55775 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:33

LMAO @ 9. I < 3 you. Will you have my babies?

By Angel_Cult | 0

#55791 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:41

ow thats brutal

By hootersgirl09 | 0

#55794 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:42

Haha a similar experience happened to me...my 7-year-old brother decided as a joke to walk in on my grandma taking a bath. He walks out about a minute later with the most solemn expression ever and goes, "Kate, Grandma's boobs are melting."

Reply

dabomblyktiktikk | 0

#985662 - Tuesday 27 April 2010 4:26

AHAHAHAHAHA tell yer bro some random 13 yr old qirl on the net loves him :]