Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 16:18 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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Work name

Banished

In my day…

By News-print Face Kate - 18/7/2012 16:37 - United Kingdom

Today, a man slapped me in the face with his newspaper because I didn't get out of his way fast enough at the train station. I guess he didn't notice I was on crutches. FML

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By tedfragle - 28/9/2016 09:52 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I realised that as I get closer to home, I drive slower and slower so I'm away from my husband for longer. FML

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By Someone - 16/4/2014 00:20 - Canada - Windsor

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2017 04:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

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By thatoneguy - 5/9/2011 20:23 - United States

Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 12:03 - United States

Foot-in-mouth syndrome

Today, I was talking to this guy I liked at work. He was flirting with me, and everything was going great, I was so happy, until he started talking non-stop about the extent of his foot fetish. FML

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By blumaster04 - 22/12/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can't get it loose. FML

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By flexibleflatulance - 5/9/2009 03:07 - United States

Today, before class I was trying to prove I can twist myself like the people on the front of my anatomy textbook, I got onto a table and twisted my ankles behind my head. Everyone seemed impressed until I farted so loudly that it echoed in the hallway. I couldn't get my legs unstuck. FML

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By "Jam2019" - 15/2/2019 14:00

Today, despite using the bathroom before I left my house, then at the bus station 10 minutes later, I still had to get off my bus halfway into my hour long journey to pee in a back alley or I would have wet myself. I'm 24 and this has happened twice in the last week. FML

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By teea - 15/11/2012 23:34 - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, my boyfriend and I cleaned his parents' whole house while they were out, just to be nice. When they came home, they assumed we only did it because we'd made some huge mess that we needed to hide. I'm now banned from their house. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2016 10:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

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By dollarstorepwnr - 19/3/2011 05:37 - Canada

Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML

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By busmonster - 12/9/2015 00:32 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I told my nephew to be careful when crossing the street in front of a bus because it might eat him. We then watched as a bus slowed down and stopped in front of a group of people. When the bus moved away, all the people were gone. My nephew is terrified, and won't stop crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, I called my parents from out of state to see if they would order me a pizza using their credit card online because I'm out of money. I haven't lived with them for the past year, and they still claim me as a dependent on their taxes. They said no. FML

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By I'm a joke? - 30/5/2013 05:37

Today, I found out that me having a boyfriend is an on-going family joke. FML

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By James - 16/1/2012 04:17 - Australia

Today, my front house window was smashed. A note was left, saying 'I want my cat back'. I have no idea what they are talking about. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 01:22 - Australia - Elwood

Today, I got stopped by people asking for donations for their charity services. Being who I am, I hate saying no to people, so I told them "I don't have any money, only my card." Did you know they also accept payment by card? FML

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By alpine75 - 3/5/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door, a clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was ok. I have to go back next week. FML

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By me - 22/9/2013 13:34 - United States - Richmond

Today, I realized the only "person" I have talked to in the last two days is Siri. FML

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By piece of crap car - 4/1/2017 06:27 - United States - Portland

Today, I was supposed to start my first day of work at my dream job. However, my car had other plans and refused to start. When I called my boss to tell him I was going to be late, he told me not to come in at all and fired me on the spot. FML

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By immaturity all around - 31/3/2013 17:55 - United States

Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML

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By Peppered and Zapped - 7/4/2020 05:00

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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By SharkWeek - 27/10/2013 15:26 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

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By SadFace - 21/2/2013 13:04 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I realized my acne is so bad that the Facebook face recognition could recognize all of my friends in a group photo except me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

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By loves the smell of burning flesh - 1/11/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

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By youknowyoureoptimisticwhen - 8/11/2015 16:45 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML

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By monster1109 - 10/8/2015 15:51 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I got into the shower with my glasses on by mistake. I spent 5 minutes convinced that the fog in my vision was me going blind. FML

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By Noname - 8/2/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, after leaving a store I got stuck at a red light. A car pulled up next to me and there was a half retarded man jerking his junk at me. Nasty image burned into my corneas forever. FML

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By Seriously - 24/5/2011 17:46 - United States

Today, after having just cleaned my office at work, I sat at my desk and opened a can of Diet Coke, which then exploded all over my desk, keyboard, and everything else in its path. FML

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By lostvideo - 24/8/2010 07:25 - Israel

Today, I realized that I hadn't seen my video camera in a while. After searching for several minutes in my room, I remembered that I had given it to my dad to hide before our month long trip (so even if someone broke into the house the video camera would be safe). He's forgotten where he hid it. FML

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By Username - 17/7/2011 19:59 - United States

Today, after applying sunscreen to myself every two hours, I still got sunburned. Through my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2010 07:26 - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By hannamacintosh - 25/7/2016 14:13 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

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By brrrr that's cold! - 27/1/2011 20:24 - United States

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

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By kaichennnxx - 17/3/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML

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By hippie88 - 5/10/2019 04:00 - United States - New York

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Today, I figured out why I've used triple the amount of cellphone minutes than I usually do over the past month since moving out. Is it because I suddenly have a social life now that I'm living on my own? No. All those calls were made to my mom because I'm lonely. FML

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By student414 - 10/1/2012 17:15 - Canada

Today, I went to my first class of the semester. After an hour of intense note writing, I realized I was in the wrong class. FML

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By IntimidatorStag - 6/2/2009 23:54 - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

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By qhu - 23/10/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, I was disciplining one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

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Top comments

By anglcdvl89 | 0

#237217 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

So THAT'S how they say hi in China? No wonder that country is overpopulated...they're just a friendly peoples...

By wutupbruh | 0

#237194 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

does hi mean something weird in chinese?

COMMENTS

By 24788 | 6

#237192 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

I would stomp that kids face in.

Reply

QuickSilv3r777 | 0

#1860702 - Saturday 18 December 2010 11:04

fuck that shit up nigga!!

Reply

eyez_lay_low1921 | 0

#2394093 - Saturday 23 April 2011 23:06

sharing is caring, right? lol

By wutupbruh | 0

#237194 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

does hi mean something weird in chinese?

Reply

blkwhtrbbt | 0

#812142 - Sunday 31 January 2010 10:24

no. just a generic greeting. hi means nothing strange in Chinese.

Reply

dmin67 | 0

#1293651 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 6:55

he was probably like "hi, wanna suck my dick?" and she was like yeah, and shes a whorey bitch and doesnt want her bf to find out? lol. jk. this forum shit is retarded. i hope some fuck tard bitch mods me. XD

Reply

Aim4thebullseye | 4

#1946713 - Sunday 9 January 2011 17:44

"Chinese" is not a language, although mandarin and Cantonese are and hi still means hi in those languages

By DeadMansCrack | 4

#237200 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

That sucks..

By BaldOuting | 0

#237201 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:05

does she know you knew him?

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#237207 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:05

wow, that kid needs a beating

By pwnstar_qc | 0

#237209 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

lol i would punch your friend if i were you :P

By levitate | 3

#237216 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

Maybe he finished saying hi & moved onto better things (:

By anglcdvl89 | 0

#237217 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

So THAT'S how they say hi in China? No wonder that country is overpopulated...they're just a friendly peoples...

Reply

gymtanlaundry | 0

#932536 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 17:10

looooll!!!!!!!
win!

Reply

WaltzingPhanthom | 23

#6269587 - Wednesday 22 April 2015 8:13

Lol? That's actually pretty insulting. I demand an apology.

By amamdieex3 | 0

#237224 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:07

HAHAHAH!

By wafflemonger | 0

#237249 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:11

I wish I could meet your girlfriend, your girlfriend who lives in China.