Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told... - FML

By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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Family values

You dingdong!

The Terminator

By Rob - United States

Today, I got chased, threatened and assaulted by a cab driver because I wouldn't take the credit card receipt. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Ridgeland

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

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By mcdman - United States

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

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By Marleck - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By Taylor D - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it that much!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom, my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself. FML

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By JAdams - United States - Newkirk

Today, I walked in on my fifteen-year-old son and his friends attempting to set up a rudimentary meth lab in his bedroom. I'm not sure whether to be angrier that they simply tried this, or that they thought burning up baking soda would somehow produce methamphetamine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marinette

Today, my mom and I somehow got into a serious argument over the ethics of capturing and training Pokémon. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was the first day of potty training for my toddler. While watching a "How to Potty Train" video, I noticed my toddler was making a weird face on the side of the couch. I walked over to her, picked her up and a big pile of poop dropped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of photos I took were unusable because my face, particularly my chin, didn't fit inside the designated area for your face in the picture. My chin did fit in the frame, my double chin however, did not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the airport, a lady bitched me out for changing her departure gate. She called me incompetent and accused me of "messing with people's lives" by "making them walk." I didn't change the gate, and the other gate was less than 10 feet away. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 08:01 - Europe

Do not want

Today, I had a chat with a one-night stand and she's decided to keep the child. My life is basically over. FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

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By Crappy - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

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By Deadendjob

Today, my dad refused to sign a student finance form to allow me to study my dream subject at university because he doesn't want the government knowing his business. FML

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By KalaKa - United States

Today, I sent my girlfriend a long-overdue message telling her I feel like she doesn't really care about me any more, that it seems like she only ever calls me when she needs money, and that I'm even starting to suspect she may be cheating on me. 14 hours later, she replied: "TL;DR". FML

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By Laughluv - United States

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newton Center

Today, my 5-year-old son thought it'd be a good idea to pee into the heat vent in the hallway of our apartment building. The whole building now smells like urine. The landlord is a 6-foot ex-convict. He wants answers. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a mother. This was a mystery, since I take birth control and use condoms all the time. Or, at least, it was, until my mother admitted to swapping my pills and poking holes in my condoms so she could have a grandchild before she died. FML

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By boardman - United States

Creeped out

Today, I found out my parents joined the mile-high club. While I was on the plane. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

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By AtLeastHaveADecientExcuse

Today, my first date in years cancelled on me because she has to "wash the horse's hair." The date was arranged for 9:30pm. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Congleton

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house at 9am to surprise him on our 1 year anniversary. In the process, I gatecrashed another celebration he was having with his second girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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By AussieG75 - United States - Saint Augustine

Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML

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By plaid_is_cool - 5/5/2020 05:00

Open-minded

Today, my mom called me and asked me to fix her computer, three days after saying she never wanted to see me again for dating a boy. I got lectured to on how I'm ruining my life the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my co-worker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML

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By shadysheikh - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

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By OutOfLuck - United States

Today, my professor informed me that if I didn't "show more commitment" to my choral ensemble he would give my spot to a "more interested young woman." I missed class to see my neurologist. Apparently my seizures are a symptom of lack of commitment. FML

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By badluck - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was out with my boyfriend, when he started browsing wedding rings. He found a ring, proposed to me right there in front of a crowd, and then was promptly denied a payment plan. We left without a ring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

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By ...

Today, I finally had an interview for my dream job. It was all going great until I started chuckling uncontrollably, snorted like a pig and hit the guy with the world's largest snot rocket. All I could do was slip out the door as he sat paralysed with shock. FML

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By icanteven - United States - Florence

Today, one of my employees called in after his 8-hour shift, explaining that he had bed bugs at home, found one on his shirt, and thinks they are in the store. I own a mattress shop. They'd spread. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. Once there, I realized I forgot my bike lock. For fear of it being stolen, I quickly rode home and took my car instead. When I got home, I realized my bike was missing. Someone stole it from my backyard. FML

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By JessThompson - Canada - Hamilton

Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redding

Today, 9 years on, my dad still hates my husband for "ruining" my life by getting me pregnant in my late 20s. FML

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By The nice guy finishing Last

Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to my crush for twenty minutes at Wal-mart. Then I realized I forgot to take off my Weight Watchers meeting nametag. FML

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Top comments

By anglcdvl89 | 0

#237217 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

So THAT'S how they say hi in China? No wonder that country is overpopulated...they're just a friendly peoples...

By wutupbruh | 0

#237194 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

does hi mean something weird in chinese?

COMMENTS

By 24788 | 6

#237192 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

I would stomp that kids face in.

Reply

QuickSilv3r777 | 0

#1860702 - Saturday 18 December 2010 11:04

fuck that shit up nigga!!

Reply

eyez_lay_low1921 | 0

#2394093 - Saturday 23 April 2011 23:06

sharing is caring, right? lol

By wutupbruh | 0

#237194 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

does hi mean something weird in chinese?

Reply

blkwhtrbbt | 0

#812142 - Sunday 31 January 2010 10:24

no. just a generic greeting. hi means nothing strange in Chinese.

Reply

dmin67 | 0

#1293651 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 6:55

he was probably like "hi, wanna suck my dick?" and she was like yeah, and shes a whorey bitch and doesnt want her bf to find out? lol. jk. this forum shit is retarded. i hope some fuck tard bitch mods me. XD

Reply

Aim4thebullseye | 4

#1946713 - Sunday 9 January 2011 17:44

"Chinese" is not a language, although mandarin and Cantonese are and hi still means hi in those languages

By DeadMansCrack | 4

#237200 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

That sucks..

By BaldOuting | 0

#237201 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:05

does she know you knew him?

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#237207 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:05

wow, that kid needs a beating

By pwnstar_qc | 0

#237209 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

lol i would punch your friend if i were you :P

By levitate | 3

#237216 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

Maybe he finished saying hi & moved onto better things (:

By anglcdvl89 | 0

#237217 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

So THAT'S how they say hi in China? No wonder that country is overpopulated...they're just a friendly peoples...

Reply

gymtanlaundry | 0

#932536 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 17:10

looooll!!!!!!!
win!

Reply

WaltzingPhanthom | 23

#6269587 - Wednesday 22 April 2015 8:13

Lol? That's actually pretty insulting. I demand an apology.

By amamdieex3 | 0

#237224 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:07

HAHAHAH!

By wafflemonger | 0

#237249 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:11

I wish I could meet your girlfriend, your girlfriend who lives in China.