Love: Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told... - FML

By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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Understandable

Taking stock

Risky business

By Angie - France

Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite out of my Three Musketeers bar. I instinctively smiled at her and chocolate drool poured out of my mouth. FML

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By anonix - Canada

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss' new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off". She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

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By oneloveliz

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By upset mom

Today, during a meeting, the president of the honor society apologized for being out for a couple of days due to the flu, and wanted to get everything back on track. I mumbled that she hadn't shown good leadership by being out. I guess she heard me, because she said, “Neither does being a teen mom.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants to try dating women. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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By sadpoorlady - United Kingdom - Appley Bridge

Today, my boyfriend used the "this isn't working, we need to talk" line on me. How nice of him to wait this long to do so, just days after we returned from the expensive Caribbean holiday that I paid for. FML

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By fuckyouharddad - United States - Sacramento

Today, my 12-year-old sister watched Frozen. She's spent the last two hours playing the song Let It Go on high volume over and over, and in different languages. I now have a skull-splitting headache, and my dad just sarcastically told me to "let it go". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to do some laundry, with the washer and dryer I bought off of Craigslist for 150 dollars. The washer leaks and the dryer doesn't dry. So I called the guy and left an angry message about how the washer flooded my kitchen. In fact I just forgot to hook up the drain hose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newton Center

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

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By gerbilmaster - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

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By sadmommy - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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By douchetard - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there." There was a long awkward silence. FML

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By Clutz - United States

Today, after I had finished vacuuming, I ripped the cord out of the outlet and it hit me in the face cutting both my top and bottom lip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Odem

Today, my 70-year-old coworker managed to do something to our shared computer for it to not boot up. This is our 4th computer since we've been working together, and he refuses to believe that he's the problem. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a girl called me asking for one of her friends. She wouldn't believe me when I told her she had the wrong number, and I spent a few minutes convincing her she did. After a while she said "what the fuck" and hung up. That was the longest conversation I had with a girl in months. FML

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By orangethonglover - United States

Today, I found out the real cause of my dog's illness that she had just recovered from. When my sister took her in to see the vet, the vet said my dog was constipated, and swallowed something orange. That orange thing happened to be my favorite thong. FML

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By Ido - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend from the top of a bungee jumping platform at an amusement park. I yelled out, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" from the platform, pointing her out. Turns out, I was pointing at the wrong girl. My girlfriend was very angry and ran away when the wrong girl yelled, "Yes!" FML

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By The V Sal - United States

Scary

Today, I was helping supervise a 5 year-old's birthday party in an inflatable obstacle course. I was playing hide and seek with them. I saw the birthday boy and crept around the corner and yelled, "Found you!" He peed his pants. FML

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By tracey - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going 85mph in a 60mph zone on a highway in the Everglades. There were cars passing both the cop and me as I was being pulled over. The cop decided I was easiest to catch since I was the slowest of the bunch even though the other cars were topping 100mph. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, after spending months learning Chinese, selling my house and everything I own for my big transfer to Hong Kong, my boss decided I should instead go to our other branch across town. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Stafford

Today, my best friend finally broke up with her knob of a boyfriend. This would be great except now my boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because she's finally single. She introduced us. FML

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By emisara93

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fiancé accidentally ran over the priest who is supposed to be marrying us in 3 days. Now, not only do we need a new priest, we need a new church to get married in, with only 3 days to find them. FML

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By tortured

Today, despite using deodorant religiously and showering twice a day, my roommate still smells so bad that every time she enters the room I become physically sick. FML

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By Rusty - United States - New City

Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict neighbor because of how mellow he was compared to my new neighbors. FML

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By - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, after a 3-month dry spell because I am recovering after having a baby, I was finally in the mood to get intimate with my husband. Foreplay was great, the sex was great until my back gave out right as I was about to cum. I can't move without intense pain. I just wanted to orgasm! FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 17:02 - Canada - Waterloo

The more the merrier

Today, I apparently I created a group chat with the four guys I saw any potential with, ruining every single one of the possible future relationships all at once because they now know about each other. I give up on dating. FML

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By Moving On - United States

Today, I found out my parents' New Year's resolution is to get me to move out. FML

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By Lindy - 10/2/2021 03:58 - United Kingdom

Morning surprise

Today, when I woke up, I thought I’d be sexy by waking my girlfriend with oral sex. Still half asleep, she said, “Robert, stop it that tickles.” My name is Linda, we’re a lesbian couple who've never expressed interest in men, so who the fuck is Robert? FML

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By future brain bleach addict - Canada - Victoria

Today, I walked in on my sister apparently trying to eat herself out. FML

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By Tiffer27 - United States

Today, I went to a very important job interview. I was so nervous that I passed out right in front of the interviewer's desk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sweet talker

Today, my boyfriend said to me, "You know how I know I love you? I don't want you to leave after we have sex." He thinks that's a compliment. FML

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Top comments

By anglcdvl89 | 0

#237217 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

So THAT'S how they say hi in China? No wonder that country is overpopulated...they're just a friendly peoples...

By wutupbruh | 0

#237194 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

does hi mean something weird in chinese?

COMMENTS

By 24788 | 6

#237192 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

I would stomp that kids face in.

Reply

QuickSilv3r777 | 0

#1860702 - Saturday 18 December 2010 11:04

fuck that shit up nigga!!

Reply

eyez_lay_low1921 | 0

#2394093 - Saturday 23 April 2011 23:06

sharing is caring, right? lol

By wutupbruh | 0

#237194 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

does hi mean something weird in chinese?

Reply

blkwhtrbbt | 0

#812142 - Sunday 31 January 2010 10:24

no. just a generic greeting. hi means nothing strange in Chinese.

Reply

dmin67 | 0

#1293651 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 6:55

he was probably like "hi, wanna suck my dick?" and she was like yeah, and shes a whorey bitch and doesnt want her bf to find out? lol. jk. this forum shit is retarded. i hope some fuck tard bitch mods me. XD

Reply

Aim4thebullseye | 4

#1946713 - Sunday 9 January 2011 17:44

"Chinese" is not a language, although mandarin and Cantonese are and hi still means hi in those languages

By DeadMansCrack | 4

#237200 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

That sucks..

By BaldOuting | 0

#237201 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:05

does she know you knew him?

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#237207 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:05

wow, that kid needs a beating

By pwnstar_qc | 0

#237209 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

lol i would punch your friend if i were you :P

By levitate | 3

#237216 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

Maybe he finished saying hi & moved onto better things (:

By anglcdvl89 | 0

#237217 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:06

So THAT'S how they say hi in China? No wonder that country is overpopulated...they're just a friendly peoples...

Reply

gymtanlaundry | 0

#932536 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 17:10

looooll!!!!!!!
win!

Reply

WaltzingPhanthom | 23

#6269587 - Wednesday 22 April 2015 8:13

Lol? That's actually pretty insulting. I demand an apology.

By amamdieex3 | 0

#237224 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:07

HAHAHAH!

By wafflemonger | 0

#237249 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:11

I wish I could meet your girlfriend, your girlfriend who lives in China.