Today, I went to see Terminator. Not wanting to spend an outrageous... - FML

By embarrassed - 26/5/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I went to see Terminator. Not wanting to spend an outrageous amount of money at the concession stand, I sneaked a Dr. Pepper into the theater. I thought I had gotten away with it, until I opened the bottle and it exploded all over me and four other people that I didn't know. FML

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The student becomes the master

Empathy hurts

Mixed signals

By heallven - 31/1/2013 12:26 - France - Ostricourt

Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 22:56 - United States

Today, I was told that I don't meet the minimum requirements for a job I applied for. I currently hold the same job, at the same facility, but just wanted a day shift. Apparently I'm not qualified for the job I've had for 2 and a half years. FML

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By dfkjhregoiuberiug - 9/12/2009 09:20 - United States

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2011 11:46 - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

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By this sucks - 5/8/2013 04:00 - United States - El Paso

Today, after gaining all the weight back that I had lost after my first marriage, I realized that the only thing that fits me now is my wedding ring. FML

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By Ser17 - 10/8/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

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By cj123 - 23/12/2011 08:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

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By - 7/12/2018 07:30 - United States - Rockville Centre

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me via text and said she was keeping the cat. I've had the cat since for seven years since she was a kitten. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

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By why me?? - 7/8/2013 04:21 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

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By barebackingit - 4/11/2013 19:17 - Canada - Kanata

Today, I woke up late and had to rush to catch my bus. Upon arriving at school, I was hot from running and took off my sweater. It was then, in a lecture hall with 400 people, that I realised I hadn't put a shirt on underneath. FML

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By Moe - 25/9/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I discovered that I had lost my phone. I drove to the campus to try and find it, and parked in a gated lot where you pay when you leave. All the buildings were closed, so I had to go home. That's when I realized that I didn't have my wallet to get my car out. And no phone to call a ride. FML

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By bananamuffin - 30/3/2012 19:13 - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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By StayedHome89 - 20/12/2009 06:25 - United States

Today, I ran into some friends from high school who had just gotten back from college. We were talking about what happened during our sophomore year. When it was my turn to tell them what I had been doing, all I could say was "Well, I started wearing V-Neck t-shirts and they're pretty comfortable." FML

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By screwed - 30/7/2009 03:20 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I was crying because my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That wasn't why I was crying. My mom knows things before I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2012 12:39 - Australia

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

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By omnomnom - 5/2/2011 00:29 - Canada

Today, I bought a pretty blue parakeet to keep my parrot company, and named her Sky. I went to work a few hours later. When I came home that night, I found my parrot dead. There wasn't a huge mess to clean, though; Sky had already eaten half of his corpse. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2011 17:32 - Canada

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with tic tac. FML

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By lerouxmaster - 22/12/2010 11:43

Today, I received a call from child care. Apparently, my four year-old boy tried to start a mosh pit during naptime. FML

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By Hopslammer - 17/6/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, as I was smoking a cigarette I realized that it's time to quit. This realization came to me after a particularly violent coughing bout forced not tar out of my lungs, but rather poo out of my bum. FML

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By all arsed out - 6/3/2016 16:50 - United Kingdom - Spalding

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

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By Lydlsis - 30/10/2015 23:53 - United States

Today, while shopping, I suddenly got the terrible urge to use the bathroom. I already had several items and my 5-year-old niece in tow, so I hurried to checkout. I ended up pissing myself. FML

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By BadFather - 21/11/2011 06:23 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife and I have referred to our two-year-old as 'cutie' or 'beautiful' so many times she won't respond to her own name. FML

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By istillcannotbreathe - 17/8/2018 06:00

Genius.

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By Username - 6/7/2011 02:54 - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

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By yen - 7/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was talking to my sister about how I need to buy gifts from Santa for my daughter, when my son asked why I would be buying them instead of letting Santa bring them. My son genuinely still believed in Santa. He’s 22 years old. FML

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By Whyme - 9/1/2012 06:14 - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2013 12:14 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

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By Mayshod - 3/5/2011 12:04

Today, I met my new neighbors when they backed into my parked car. FML

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By Lulu - 16/7/2017 00:30

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

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By TheKunitzShow14 - 10/8/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

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By still on hol - 27/12/2014 10:12 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I've spent far too long on hold to Apple customer support. Unfortunately the only thing to come from it is I now have "Call me maybe" stuck in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 04:12 - Canada - Kingston

Today, as I was walking home, I saw an ambulance pull into my driveway with its sirens blaring. Thinking it could be for my sick father, I started frantically sprinting. I managed to trip on my pant-leg, twisting my ankle in the process. They were just turning around in my driveway. FML

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By JJAnd - 28/8/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

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By fmljae - 20/1/2011 09:11

Today, I rented a 4x4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary. I got as close as I could to the spot and parked on the beach. After a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water. I forgot it was king tide. FML

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By pisspantsjob - 31/7/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, at work, I fell asleep. This is how I discovered that when I'm sleeping, and am scared awake by my boss with an air horn, I yelp louder than a terrier and piss my pants. FML

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By TheIVkindaruinsthemood - 5/8/2015 18:58 - United States - Milford

Today, my boyfriend got upset that I wouldn't give him head. He was visiting me at the hospital. FML

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By xxx - 3/10/2015 13:38 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

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By Crushgonewrong - 22/6/2016 21:42 - United States - Compton

Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 03:29 - United States - Dallas

Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten out of me at the bar, was my dipshit brother saying to me, "Dude, I'm not a racist, but" and then ranting about how non-whites should get out of America. FML

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Top comments

By happy_ness | 0

#232579 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:20

i do that all the time!
the sneaking in the soda, but not the exploding part.
hahaha sucks for you!
i'd be sooo embarrassed!

By Hunter329 | 0

#232574 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:19

Sucks... But it musta been worth it to see Terminator.
Good movie.

COMMENTS

By Hunter329 | 0

#232574 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:19

Sucks... But it musta been worth it to see Terminator.
Good movie.

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1028387 - Saturday 12 June 2010 5:31

ydi for drinking soda! that's bad for you op.

Reply

partyfool2011 | 4

#2910058 - Sunday 17 July 2011 2:34

this is the part where you turn to your right and start yelling at the person sitting there.

Reply

\ | 28

#5619058 - Thursday 8 August 2013 22:45

Ya got that right

By Curtieeeez | 0

#232577 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:20

Karma :D

Reply

coldasfire | 23

#6266860 - Sunday 19 April 2015 8:10

Who doesn't sneak things into theaters?

Reply

ZombieSlaya115 | 17

#6629167 - Thursday 16 June 2016 5:44

I don't see why you got disliked she deserved it

By happy_ness | 0

#232579 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:20

i do that all the time!
the sneaking in the soda, but not the exploding part.
hahaha sucks for you!
i'd be sooo embarrassed!

Reply

plum_lovin | 28

#5382953 - Monday 25 February 2013 18:27

I think I'd open it in the bathroom or outside just to make sure this doesn't happen to me or anybody else... I've taken an Arizona Tea into the theater tho, non messy and amazing..

By Curtieeeez | 0

#232584 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:22

Waiiiit, I thought you stole it. My bad. Yeah, that sucks :

By Pirate_argh | 6

#232593 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:26

Hahaha sucks :D
But i'm sure you would do the same thing again next time ;)

By ilikefish | 0

#232594 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:27

I thought everyone knew to wait a few minutes before opening a previously mobile can of soda :. YDI

By alexgirl | 0

#232604 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:31

Yah, that sux. But you know, at least here in Canada. You're allowed to bring stuff from home into the theater, except Dairy Products. It's just courteous to not bring a lot in. But they're not really going to stop you....

Reply

alicianoar | 7

#1044892 - Saturday 26 June 2010 15:56

in Australia, they let you take anything, we all took McDonalds in there the other day :)

Reply

cupcakemann95 | 7

#2227561 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 4:31

that's awesome and who doesnt sneak stuff in?

By lol_seriously | 0

#232608 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:33

Could have been worse, at least you didn't sneak a bomb in

By spillproof | 0

#232610 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:33

sorry about that, but I bring stuff in all the time. Not a YDI.

By yer_maw | 0

#232625 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 12:38

Dr Pepper, what's the worst that can happen...?

THAT