Today, I was taking out the trash and I came upon a bill from...

By KMROYALShottie - 27/5/2009 04:50 - United States

Today, I was taking out the trash and I came upon a bill from a veterinary hospital. It was for $50 and it was a bill to put my dog down. My Dad said my dog was missing and I put hundreds of signs around the city. FML

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Animals

Rich people problems

In my day…

Noise

By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, I found out that I have to reschedule my upcoming honeymoon because my office will be understaffed that week, due to the boss going on vacation right after my wedding. Oh, yeah, and he's in my bridal party. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2015 15:23 - United States - Austin

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 23:04

I need some me time

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a 3-hour trip because she needed a break from the baby and me. I forgot to mention who she went with: her ex. FML

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By Pita - 4/12/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML

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By walllflower - 8/2/2015 19:46 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

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By Men '86 - 24/7/2011 06:41 - Canada

Today, I went skinny dipping with my friends. A security man drove up the dock we were on with his bike. After informing us that the dock was closed, and noticing all of our swimsuits on the dock, he refused to move his flashlight beam from us in the water. FML

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By joyf - 8/12/2019 20:00 - United States - San Francisco

It's hot!

Today, my boyfriend's parents came over. It got hot, so I took off the jacket I was wearing, but I forgot I wasn't wearing a shirt underneath. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Inspired

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom

Landlords are social parasites

Today, in the middle of a pandemic, which has made it impossible for me to get a job for the last 4 months, my landlord has decided the one thing I need is a rental increase. FML

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By Username - 7/3/2010 17:41 - France

Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML

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By moon_paw - 28/11/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

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By harro101 - 5/3/2010 05:24 - Australia

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

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By Numou - 8/12/2008 07:26 - France

Today, I pointed out to my girlfriend that she wasn't jealous. She replied, "Well actually, I am, I just can't prove it cause no one else is interested in you". FML

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By oralMistake - 26/10/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I failed an oral speech because "I didn't look up once." The problem was, every time I looked up, my teacher looked down. Every time I looked down, she looked up. FML

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By IrisKitty - 18/8/2015 07:07 - United States - Englewood

Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2016 16:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my family was watching a football game and kept mentioning their team's quarterback's name and, as I'm not a football fan by any means, asked them who this was. My grandma then turned to me and said, "This is why you don't have a boyfriend." FML

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By TheSuregeon - 18/3/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, I applied for my job, while working at my job. I hope they hire me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 14:00

Oddly specific thief

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My steering wheel. FML

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By foreveralone - 10/7/2020 17:04

Waiting for that special someone

Today, just like at every gynecologist's appointment in the last 5 years, I had to yet again explain that no, I'm not a virgin at 27 because I'm waiting till marriage, I'm just a loser that no-one wants to sleep with. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2012 02:56 - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument which resulted in her begging for a divorce and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

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By Stupid - 22/12/2014 07:45 - Australia - Bellerive

Today, I waited thirty minutes for a bus that stopped running three weeks ago. FML

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By emilyparker - 1/9/2014 02:55 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 02:38 - United States

Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML

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By Space†Witch - 3/1/2019 04:00

Today, I'm working a photography gig for a very prominent metal band. The doorman asked me for my I.D, which I happily obliged. I am 27, however I look like I'm still in my mid to late teens. He will not let me in, even with my I.D, and the band that hired me won't answer their phones. FML

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By bad luck? - 19/1/2012 05:44 - Australia

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

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By bye loser - 20/10/2014 09:28 - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML

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By thatonekid - 6/5/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, my dad texted me and told me "I love u." I answer back with "I love you too dad...are you drunk?" and he answers back "Of course I am..." My dad only tells me he loves me when he's drunk. FML

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By rj93 - 5/11/2011 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 06:22 - United States - Lacey

Today, I was at my class's band concert. Before the curtain was raised, I helped haul the piano to a different spot so a girl who would've had to stand behind it could be seen. I said, "There, now your mom can see you play!" She responded with, "My mom's blind." FML

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By cocokiss410 - 28/7/2011 04:34 - United States

Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML

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By pothole - 3/3/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down. I was stopped trying to turn onto a busy highway, when a car turned off the highway right next to me, hit a pothole, and splashed dirty water into my window and into my open mouth. FML

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By scarredforlife - 16/8/2012 04:05 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML

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By badluckryan - 25/9/2012 13:38 - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I received a drunken prank call from a girl I didn't know around 1am. I don't know what's sadder, that I carried out the conversation for 30 minutes, or that this was the first girl to call me in over a year. FML

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By dumbass - 15/12/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. I hit my own parked car while trying to drive my mother's car into the garage. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. At the end of the night I got a cab ride home. I must have passed out because when I woke up I wasn’t at my place, but my parent’s house, which is the address on my license…120 miles away. The fare was $220. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Mirror, mirror

Today I discovered that I'm so pale that I can lighten up any distant dark corner of the room just by placing my hand by a window and reflecting the light like a mirror. Imagine how bright it would be if I stood by the window naked. FML

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By djxerxes9000 - 8/2/2013 02:56 - Canada

Today, I had an in-depth conversation at work about how technically Luke Skywalker was never a Jedi Master. Highlight of my working day. FML

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By The Dishwasher - 7/6/2017 15:00 - Canada - Guelph

Today, I started work at catering company. I was aware that I'd be cleaning dishes, but they forgot to warn me how many. Needless to say, after polishing 527 glasses, my hands hurt. FML

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By an idiot - 16/2/2013 18:03 - Australia

Today, my brother was arrested for starting a fistfight at a funeral. He didn't even know the deceased; he's just been crashing funerals recently, hoping to hook up with mourners. I'm not sure who's more pathetic: him for doing such a thing, or me for bailing his fucking dumb arse out of jail. FML

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Top comments

By ChelsiGotSpunk | 0

#235808 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:05

Aw, dude that sucks.
Your dad is a bitch.

By Indiana_fml | 4

#235816 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:07

Wow, I can't find the appropriate words for your dad...so I just say: Whatever bad happens to him in life, he will totally deserve it.

COMMENTS

By Chidge | 0

#235802 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:03

You deserved it

Also- first hahaha

By ChelsiGotSpunk | 0

#235808 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:05

Aw, dude that sucks.
Your dad is a bitch.

By tigitiger22 | 0

#235812 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:05

That's awful. I can't believe your Dad would do something like that :( I'm so sorry. I hope your Dad pays for the bill. And all the photocopying ink!

Theclarksondales | 8

#4638548 - Sunday 1 July 2012 17:13

and a new dog

By UrRightFML | 0

#235813 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:06

Ah ur dads a gronk, make sure that he knows that you knw what happen to ur dog.

By Indiana_fml | 4

#235816 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:07

Wow, I can't find the appropriate words for your dad...so I just say: Whatever bad happens to him in life, he will totally deserve it.

By Juggalette_623 | 9

#235817 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:08

How can this person possibly deserve it? This sucks ass! FYL

By R3TH0R | 0

#235821 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:10

you should so guilt trip your dad, and keep him from getting the bill, make him pay for it BIG.

give it a few days and then go "oh hey dad this came in the mail" give him the bill then ask him when he was going to tell you

and how the hell does anyone deserve this?

By TigressUK | 0

#235826 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:12

#1 deserves to have a lifetime internet ban.

Your father is selfish and cruel.

By choochootrain | 0

#235841 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:25

That's just wrong. I'm so sorry for you. Maybe investigate if your dog didn't have a medical condition that required his putting down, and that your father didn't have the heart to tell you about. Sometimes parents can't bring themselves to break the news about pets to their children, and they resort to the weirdest things.

By jumpdancehigh | 0

#235878 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 12:45

so sad ):