Miscellaneous: Today, I overheard my best friend's wife telling their kids to...

By Anonymous - 06/11/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I overheard my best friend's wife telling their kids to pay attention in school and stay focused on their goals so they don't end up a failure in life like their father's friend, Matt. Hi, my name is Matt and I'm the friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 178

You deserved it 5 243

Miscellaneous

Own it

Leave us alone

So compassionate

By Whoopsie - 22/02/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I'm quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn't looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 858

You deserved it 3 348

By Anonymous - 21/01/2012 10:45 - Russian Federation

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 346

You deserved it 9 279

By fuckyouverymuch - 13/06/2013 10:16 - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 883

You deserved it 26 705

Sharing is caring

By Infested Girlfriend - 30/04/2020 05:00 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my boyfriend and I are so close that we share everything. This now includes his head lice. Thanks, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 367

You deserved it 262

By Al - 10/03/2010 02:07 - United States

Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 916

You deserved it 2 906

By whiteycan'tgetitrightey - 24/02/2015 23:13 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I apologised to someone for my misuse of the word 'coloured' in a discussion about ethnic minority issues. They then got even more angry and said that to even quote the word in the context of an apology is evidence of my ignorance and inherent racism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 937

You deserved it 4 913

We're all in hell

By Looking4AnApartment - 16/02/2021 15:30 - United States - Bellmore

Today, it's the third day in a row my roommate has woken me up with blasting music, after keeping me up late listening to him screaming into his Xbox headset. His kids ate the last of my food. I can't even take a shit without one of them barging in. His whole fucking family is a walking condom commercial. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 122

By nick - 12/05/2010 09:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 215

You deserved it 5 971

By goddamnit - 14/03/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I got a letter saying I was no longer a student at my college and my current work is void since I had ignored and refused to pay my tuition bill. Over the past month I've been deleting these pesky emails saying 'FINAL WARNING regarding payment' thinking it was more spam. They weren't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 228

You deserved it 140 042

By annonn - 24/03/2016 11:11 - Brunei Darussalam - Bandar Seri Begawan

Today, I found out that people know when you're screenshooting their snaps on Snapchat, by the guy I have a crush on, asking me why I keep doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 088

You deserved it 17 974

By American idol - 06/04/2011 06:19

Today, I was at a local talent show and during a piano performance I had to go to the bathroom. I sang along in the bathroom but was unaware how loud I was until I walked out and everyone started applauding me while the pianist was still playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 596

You deserved it 36 884

Uber karma

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 17:01 - Australia - Kenwick

Today, I dropped off my visibly-upset Uber passengers off at a funeral. I absentmindedly said, “Good luck, have fun!” as they got out. Needless to say, I got my first 1-star rating today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 323

You deserved it 973

By 34_22_34 - 28/07/2010 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 157

You deserved it 4 846

By peneloperigby - 03/02/2009 06:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called to say that my 11-year-old nephew found my secret stash of nipple tassels, furry hand cuffs, and a bottle of lube. He doesn't want to visit me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 993

You deserved it 31 967

Proof

By 30goingon13 - 23/10/2021 23:00

Today, my acne was so bad I got carded for a pack of lighters. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 94

Kids will be kids

By Anonymous - 27/08/2020 10:02 - Australia - Murarrie

Today, my son accidentally damaged another kid in the face with a baseball bat, while blindfolded trying to hit a piñata. Except there was no piñata, or blindfold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 646

You deserved it 1 216

By fuckmyassimcold - 14/12/2012 19:19 - United States

Today, I avoided having to wash the dishes by faking a cold. My sucker of a wife believed me and hopped off my balls about it. Later on, after I made a miraculous recovery, she told me to take out the trash. It's freezing outside and raining, and I feel a very real cold coming on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 950

You deserved it 79 131

By SadDad - 06/03/2009 01:51 - United States

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 160

You deserved it 4 334

By ugh - 12/03/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 985

You deserved it 3 591

By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 22:40 - Sweden - V?ster

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 514

You deserved it 7 184

By wasted time - 19/12/2013 09:09 - United States

Today, I learned, 90 horrifying minutes into a college exam, that my 85-year-old calculus teacher had spent the last three weeks teaching us the wrong chapter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 040

You deserved it 3 157

By Anonymous - 29/10/2012 10:32 - United States - Levelland

Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 724

You deserved it 2 691

By quinndulgent - 29/11/2015 21:10 - United States - West Bend

Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12 page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 232

You deserved it 1 952

By TJ - 07/01/2010 16:50 - India

Today, my friend whacked me on the family jewels while I was washing my hands in the college bathroom. While I lay writhing in pain on the floor, a guy at the urinal turned around towards me to see what was wrong. He was still peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 163

You deserved it 2 981

By HeShe - 06/09/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I got my renewed driver's license. It clearly indicates 'Sex: F'. My beard and penis beg to differ. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 228

You deserved it 3 928

By Anonymous - 04/03/2013 22:24 - United States

Today, my coach held a BBQ for the whole team. He told us to eat up, because we wouldn't be working out today. He lied. After eating the equivalent of a Thanksgiving dinner, we had to do team relays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 316

You deserved it 4 841

By oops123 - 15/04/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I've been hanging out with for 2 months. Afterwards, while we're getting dressed he says "You better be clean. If you're not tell me now so I dont pass it on to my girlfriend." Stunned, all I could say was, "Girlfriend?!" His reply, "Well technically my fiancée." FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 091

You deserved it 14 155

By justwow - 21/03/2012 23:58 - United States - Fort George G Meade

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 812

You deserved it 7 357

By Great. - 22/02/2013 22:32 - Brazil - Belo Horizonte

Today, I found an old toy that I gave to my daughter several years ago. It was still unopened, and long forgotten, so I decided to re-gift it to one of my friend's children. My daughter immediately remembered her "favorite" toy and started crying inconsolably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 642

You deserved it 11 788

Let 'em in

By I don't know jack - 16/08/2021 04:01 - United States - Canal Winchester

Today, after none of my friends who said they'd be at the Jackbox game night I was hosting showed up on the Zoom call, I heard a knock at the door. All of them thought it was in person at my place, which is a mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 765

By traveling - 09/07/2013 11:18

Today, I arrived in Germany for a summer-long stay. The family I'm supposed to stay with had said they spoke fluent English. They don't. I don't speak German. It's going to be a quiet two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 904

You deserved it 6 391

By Anonymous - 01/06/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, my grandfather kept on asking me questions about my girlfriend and was obviously proud of the things he remembered about her. The only thing he couldn't remember is that we broke up. I had to talk with him about our 'great relationship' for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 134

You deserved it 4 035

By Noname - 25/02/2009 22:06 - Canada

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 680

You deserved it 3 587

Not this again

By Kurochrome - 18/07/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, after spending over $1000 on plane tickets, I'm visiting my family for the first time in five years. Two hours after I arrived, everyone is screaming at each other and taking their rage out on me. They still ask why I never visit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 192

You deserved it 3 510

By fuck you, dad - 27/09/2012 18:36 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 641

You deserved it 6 273

By notamathematician - 07/03/2010 10:27 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was 3 months pregnant, expecting her to be happy. Instead, she screamed that I was no longer her daughter and she never wanted to see me again before throwing me out of her house, because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Nice math mom. I've been married for 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 481

You deserved it 2 776

By kiki - 24/02/2010 05:54 - United States

Today, before my date came to pick me up, I put tissues under my arms so I wouldn't leave wet marks. I forgot to remove them, and when we got physical, they fell out, looking like I'd stuffed my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 375

You deserved it 33 387

By kneesarethenewdesk - 19/08/2009 22:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend jumped, naked, onto my computer desk, with the intention of having sex on it. A new, £250 computer desk, broken beyond repair. And we didn't even have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 191

You deserved it 7 667

By anonymous - 16/03/2011 02:05

Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal, my son had pooped in the school yard then gave the teacher a ziploc bag and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 069

You deserved it 6 118

By terdberglerforlyfe - 07/12/2014 20:54 - Brazil - Mogi Das Cruzes

Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 742

You deserved it 4 366

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xshyguyx 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:15

Well, at least you succeeded in one thing in your life- being the bad example

mannix_fml 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:41

Punch her. And if it comes to it, punch the kids.

xshyguyx 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:15

Well, at least you succeeded in one thing in your life- being the bad example

The_Pleb 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:22

Simple concept of life ------------- If no one is bad, no one is good.

perdix 29

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:23

We bad examples prefer the more politically correct term "cautionary tale." ;) You have to be sensitive when you label losers -- not many "winners" go on shooting rampages.

TheHeroOfTime 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 22:07

Simple concept of how retarded you are -- meaningful quotes on fmylife are lame

Reyo 2

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Friday 6 November 2009 23:53

Been stuck in that situation before. That's when you pop out and say "Hi, I'm Matt. You should listen to your father. I'd much rathor be a raging success like he is. Oh, by the way, find your own damn ride to the airport. I just realized I'm too much of a failure to take you." (waits for "you such a looser" comnments) PS, I was lucky. He had to leave for an important business trip in 3 hours. Just get creative.

The_Pleb 0

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Saturday 7 November 2009 1:44

Fuck you, its not my fault i lead a meaningful life unlike you Now go to bed

Reyo 2

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Saturday 7 November 2009 8:50

Actually, 41, the reason he needed a ride was that his car was in the shop getting his brand new transmission installed, considering the last up and stopped working. Safe tuh say...DAT NIGGUH BROKE! He gave me the guilt trip by saying "My car's in the shop!" and I just said "Why don't you fix it with all your success?" "I am" "Good, looks like my job here is done. See ya Thursday!"

Muwahaha_fml 4

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Sunday 4 December 2011 20:17

I don't understand. Whered the airport come from?

x0stormbringer 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:15

thats teriible -_-

hoschiadedodi 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 23:47

nah, he deserved it for not paying attention in school

mushoo_fml 0

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Saturday 7 November 2009 7:47

Actually, he deserved it for writing "Hi, I'm Matt" in his FML and then posting it as Anonymous.

Gizmo3K 0

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Saturday 7 November 2009 12:16

So? My name isn't really Gizmo, what's your point?

lexi_cacao 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:16

that was utterly tactless... what exactly do you do? or not do?

deaditegirl 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:17

Well, are you a failure in life?

birds_fml 7

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:49

Exactly what I came in here to say. Maybe the mother's a lawyer or something and thinks that any other job beneath that is a "failure," or maybe he's an alcoholic who lives with his mom and doesn't have a job and really IS a failure.