Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the...

By lessinterestingthanadog - 8/11/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Call CPS!

No one likes a smart-ass

By straightasaneedle - 2/2/2011 17:11 - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

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By JJ - 14/11/2009 03:07 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text saying: "I don't think we can see each other anymore, the nights were great, but I think I'm falling in love with Julie". I'm Julie. FML

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By butnotlikethat - 16/3/2013 00:05 - China - Nanchang

Today, my grandma gave me a sex talk. Not the usual one, either. This one was about blowjobs. I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to learn if they want a well-behaved husband, but that it's an "acquired taste". Gag me. FML

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - 6/4/2013 19:13 - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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By best_friend - 25/7/2011 06:43 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house because his family was having a move away party for him. Everything was going good until his dad decided to give a toast. Including an anecdote about how he walked in on us watching porn together. FML

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By echolaker2019 - 11/4/2016 03:57 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, I had a second date with a really hot guy I met at the mall. Lucky for me, I went into anaphylactic shock from shrimp and the guy called my parents. When I left the hospital, I was notified that after he called my parents, he ordered more food and charged it to my credit card on file. FML

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By slayerdeath - 20/5/2012 05:19 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 17:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

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By Username - 6/11/2010 05:18 - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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By Nick Pat - 30/9/2015 13:13

Today, I took my dad out shopping. I managed to pull into a really cramped parking spot and said, "Man, that was a tight squeeze." My dad then looked me in the eyes and said, "So was your mom." FML

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By Mia - 28/7/2013 06:18 - United States - Laurel

Today, I was mistaken for my twin brother twice. This probably wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By gayvsgay - 6/3/2016 15:31 - Germany - V?lklingen

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

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By Becky - 21/8/2009 23:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my family bet me $20 to wear a Disney Princess hat for the entire day around a theme park. I am 17 years old. We decided to go for lunch in one of the restaurants. After we finished, a woman gave my parents a leaflet on how to cope with disabled children. FML

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By yeahno - 31/10/2010 16:10 - United States

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2014 17:24 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was walking to a job interview. I needed to get rid of some gum but there were no trash cans in sight, so I spat it out on the ground. Next thing I know, some guy grabs me, sticks the gum in my hair, and walks off, muttering curses. I couldn't get it out in time for the interview. FML

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By g_unit - 10/12/2009 05:24 - Canada

Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that someone had taken a dump in them. FML

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By are you kidding me???? - 20/7/2012 04:58 - United States - Chaplin

Today, my boss fired me for "fooling around" on my phone. I was looking for supplies for a surprise party we are throwing him for his birthday, and I didn't want to do it on my work computer because he has access to our history. Also, this happened during my lunch break. FML

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By Charles - 18/5/2011 17:13 - Norway

Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML

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By mperrotta913 - 21/5/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying "milk the penis... miiiiilk the penis." FML

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By fucked - 14/3/2014 19:40 - Canada

Today, my boss - AKA Satan - told me I'd better watch out, because I'm now top on his list of people to lay off next time the company downsizes. All I did was give a report to the board admitting that our sales are down this year. He blames me for making him look bad. FML

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By anonymous - 31/10/2011 19:11 - United States

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

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By notagoodjoke - 25/12/2016 01:01 - United States - Vincentown

Today, Christmas Eve, I told my wife she has three presents to choose from: one large, one small and one tiny. She immediately responded, "is the tiny one in your pants?". FML

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By awk1 - 18/6/2013 00:55 - United States - Glennville

Today, I was packing up my stuff about to go home. I shut off my MacBook but was still pretending to work for the last few minutes, typing on the keyboard. A good way through, I realized my co-worker sitting across from me could see that the Apple logo was off. FML

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By drunkfacebookuser - 23/10/2010 13:15 - Australia

Today, I got very drunk after being fired from my job. In my depressed, intoxicated state, I posted my facebook status as 'Goodbye world'. The only response was from my dad saying 'cya'. His comment got 29 likes. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 00:53 - United States - Cranston

Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy, fake New England accent every time the McDonald's ice coffee commercial came on the radio. I worked a 12-hour shift. FML

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By pothole - 3/3/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down. I was stopped trying to turn onto a busy highway, when a car turned off the highway right next to me, hit a pothole, and splashed dirty water into my window and into my open mouth. FML

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By weeping_willow - 1/6/2020 08:00

Cheeky little bastards

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

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By tammylauraine - 29/2/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

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By howsthisforaname - 24/5/2012 12:59 - United Kingdom - Kingston Upon Hull

Today, after my old downstairs neighbor, who would come upstairs to bang on my door and yell at me every time she heard a sound from me at all times of the day, had finally moved out, it became clear that my new downstairs neighbor gets drunk and yells at the TV in the early hours of the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 06:13 - Australia

Today, my boss told me I wasn't getting the promotion I'd been angling for. I was so pissed off, I ranted to a coworker about it over lunch. Turns out my boss was just testing how I dealt with rejection before making his final decision. He overheard my rant and me calling him a Nazi bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2009 11:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat". I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML

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By Blake Lawrence - 26/11/2012 18:59 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be cute to leave a love letter in my car while I was at work. She left my lights on. I got a dead battery. FML

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By stupidcunt - 14/4/2014 23:43 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML

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By Sarahir - 29/4/2020 05:00

Classic Dave

Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML

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By noname - 4/12/2008 05:55 - France

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

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By anon - 21/6/2014 12:50 - United States - Edison

Today, I got hit by a car while walking into the hospital to visit my wife, who had also gotten hit by a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML

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By guitar_chick7 - 20/8/2009 08:54 - Australia

Today, I said something in class and someone mimicked me. In a self-pitying mood, I exclaimed, "Everybody hates me!" The girl behind me then said, "Pretty much." FML

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By anonymous - 19/7/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I told my mom about the severe phobia I've developed towards driving. She was very supportive and even made me an appointment to see a psychologist. His office is two hours away. I have to drive to see my doctor about my fear of driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 01:31 - United States - Westfield

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

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Top comments

By jchansfan | 0

#660609 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:16

At least he didn't spend that hour barking at your dog.

By coolguyattack | 0

#660602 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:12

Oh yes, FYL because you're boring.

Comments

By shamandalie_fml | 0

#660601 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:11

well, he might have come just to pull the dog...:P

The_Pleb | 0

#660746 - Sunday 8 November 2009 15:49

SECOND!!!

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#660868 - Sunday 8 November 2009 17:14

You're not fooling anyone, sorry.

The_Pleb | 0

#660882 - Sunday 8 November 2009 17:23

There is no need to fool anyone.... the fact is.. this comment is..... FORTH!!!

T1MT1M | 0

#662003 - Monday 9 November 2009 7:25

Dead wrong, your comment is fourth.

By coolguyattack | 0

#660602 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:12

Oh yes, FYL because you're boring.

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7823636 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 6:56

hard pills to swallow.

By coolscale | 6

#660605 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:13

yay. fyl for that

By jchansfan | 0

#660609 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:16

At least he didn't spend that hour barking at your dog.

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#660610 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:16

well, dogs can be very talkative at times.

lilhedz | 0

#3228598 - Saturday 3 September 2011 17:19

Wilfred?

By chellinha93 | 0

#660613 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:17

Haha, I agree with #4

By jchansfan | 0

#660615 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:18

I hope he started the conversation with "HEY, WHAT UP HOMEDAWG!?!" :P

By kravitzz1990 | 0

#660622 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:27

what an idiot!! F* his life coz he didnt get laid because of it!!

ps. quick solution: put the dog outside or another room!!

By JellyMelly | 0

#660630 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:35

That sucks that he made that date kind of weird for you, he definately sounds like a dog lover. you should look for a guy who is allergic

By Twinklestar | 0

#660634 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:36

That's kind of sweet. I wish my bf liked dogs that much. Anyway, maybe you should have actually tried to strike up a conversation yourself rather than just answering his questions.