Animals: Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the...

By lessinterestingthanadog - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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Animals

Walk on the wild side

Recycling helps

Breaking Badly

By Anonymous

Today, my dad described our security cameras recording a stranger stealing money from his car, and then called me unhealthy and paranoid for locking my car all the time. My car is usually parked right next to his. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was cleaning, listening to music and sometimes singing along, I heard a knock on my front door. I turned off the music and opened the door to the police, who stated they had to investigate reports of "repeated female screams" coming from my apartment. I'm a 23 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, I had to explain to my friend that a blue raspberry is not a blackberry, and that blue raspberry is an artificial flavor, not a fruit. This explanation took much longer than it should have. FML

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By Toothless - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

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By ManagerWithoutRespect - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, one of my co-workers threw a piece of garbage at the waste bin beside me. When it missed, he said, "Aw, I missed the garbage... and the bin beside it." FML

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By Anonymous

Surprising

Today, my younger sister had some friends over at ours. I was in the shower but was horrified to realize my clothes and towel were gone. Figuring that she took them, I tried to make it to my room without being seen, but one of her friends came up to use the bathroom. She saw everything. FML

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By Sad and hungry - 25/4/2020 17:00

Tasty!

Today, my in-laws invited us over to dinner. I decided to help out in the kitchen and watched in horror as my mother-in-law licked every utensil, sucked her fingers while making the plates and slurped wine straight from the bottle. My husband said I was rude for refusing to eat. FML

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By Idk - United States - Wilton

Today at work I had recieved a lot of phone calls. I thought maybe it was a scammer line because I never recieve calls. Turns out my phone number was a character's same number in a TV Show. FML

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By concertqueen - United States

Today, I went to a concert. The music was great, but the drunk guys behind me made it hard to pay attention. Half way through the second act, one of them took it upon themselves to start peeing on me. FML

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By StuckInCollegeLimbo - United States - Riverside

Today, after going through months of registration and orientation to transfer to a university, I was told that my application was denied because I didn't meet the minimum credit requirement. You couldn't tell me this before? FML

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By SatelliteUser - United States

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

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By bitch - United States

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

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By Sarah - United States

Today, I belched. In the middle of my wedding vows. FML

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By annie - 17/11/2020 00:08 - United States - Denver

Ruined art

Today, while sitting on a bench drawing, some guy went up to me, yelled, “YOUR ART SUCKS” and flipped my sketchpad out of my hands. I’d been working on that piece for hours and now there’s a big black pencil streak on it. FML

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By poopiemanlol - Canada

Today, I realized that you should never teach your 6 year old child how to use the microwave, unless you want to be cleaning melted pet fish for about half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 20:02 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Insurance fraud

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't have a license, backed up my car in a Taco Bell parking lot. Someone else was also backing up and smashed right into my car. If they ask to see the camera footage, they're going to see he was driving and not me. FML

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By KICKxASSxNINJA - 26/9/2020 08:02 - United States - Fresno

Believe her next time

Today, my mother bolted into my room and let out a huge fart that smelled like rotten meat because she wanted to prove a point, that she had been having intestinal problems for three days. FML

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By gorgeousgirl - United States

Today, I was called gorgeous for the first time in 4 years. By a robot. A female robot. Who was trying to sell me cosmetics. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gorham

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

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By Ouch - Serbia

Mommy's favorite flower

Today, I learned how it feels when you fall off a second floor balcony with mom's flower pot then landing on your back. My mom got pissed because of her beloved flowers, and gave me a lecture while I rolled on the ground in pain. FML

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By oopsies - United States

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

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By Icy

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By Erin - 2/1/2021 20:01

Warming it up

Today, I bought an expensive blanket to help warm up for the winter. Right after I put it on the bed, my dog jumped up and peed on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was volunteering at a gift-wrapping booth to raise money for autism, and helping others takes my mind off the fact that my mom died at Christmas. While carefully wrapping a present, offering bows, ribbons, and a gift tag, a snobby bitch said to me, "You're not doing a very good job." FML

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By RIPmyhair

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when he asked if it was okay to finish on my back. Not only did he do that but he also got it on my neck, the side of my face, and my hair which I'd just gotten done at the salon for almost $200 and can't wash for 2 days. FML.

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

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By wtfmama - United States - Hudson

Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML

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By fuck Star Wars! - 31/5/2020 08:00

In a galaxy far, far away

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a massive argument. I suggested we have a movie night. He suggested an all day/night Star Wars marathon. I’d be OK, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve done that at least five times in the last two months. He says I’m the one being unfair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

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By thanks google - United States - Naperville

Today, while I was driving, Google said it found a faster route to save me 15 minutes. I hit accept, only be directed into a gridlock on the interstate, adding an hour to my drive time. FML

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By Anizzaf - United States

Today, I picked up my cat and it went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML

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By InDebt - United States - Morgantown

Today, Southwest officially called off the search for my lost baggage and asked me to file a claim for reimbursement. My bag had $2000 worth of dental instruments, which I won't get any compensation for since the airline doesn't take any liability for valuable items. FML

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By WTFisMyLife

Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 3 year old daughter decided to put black nail polish over the webcam lens on my laptop because "It wasn't all black, so I decided to fix it." FML

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By lady parts - United States - Lake Bluff

Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

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By Fmycatslife - United States

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

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By TimJack18 - United States - Whiteville

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

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By rydawg79 - United States

Today, I finished moving out of my apartment and decided to clean the fridge before I left. I pulled out a drawer that I never used and was shocked to find a moldy, rotten, decayed watermelon. I remembered that I had bought a watermelon the first week I moved into the apartment. Four years ago. FML

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By Perpetually F-ed. - United States

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

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Top comments

By jchansfan | 0

#660609 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:16

At least he didn't spend that hour barking at your dog.

By coolguyattack | 0

#660602 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:12

Oh yes, FYL because you're boring.

COMMENTS

By shamandalie_fml | 0

#660601 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:11

well, he might have come just to pull the dog...:P

The_Pleb | 0

#660746 - Sunday 8 November 2009 15:49

SECOND!!!

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#660868 - Sunday 8 November 2009 17:14

You're not fooling anyone, sorry.

The_Pleb | 0

#660882 - Sunday 8 November 2009 17:23

There is no need to fool anyone.... the fact is.. this comment is..... FORTH!!!

T1MT1M | 0

#662003 - Monday 9 November 2009 7:25

Dead wrong, your comment is fourth.

By coolguyattack | 0

#660602 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:12

Oh yes, FYL because you're boring.

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7823636 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 6:56

hard pills to swallow.

By coolscale | 6

#660605 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:13

yay. fyl for that

By jchansfan | 0

#660609 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:16

At least he didn't spend that hour barking at your dog.

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#660610 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:16

well, dogs can be very talkative at times.

lilhedz | 0

#3228598 - Saturday 3 September 2011 17:19

Wilfred?

By chellinha93 | 0

#660613 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:17

Haha, I agree with #4

By jchansfan | 0

#660615 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:18

I hope he started the conversation with "HEY, WHAT UP HOMEDAWG!?!" :P

By kravitzz1990 | 0

#660622 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:27

what an idiot!! F* his life coz he didnt get laid because of it!!

ps. quick solution: put the dog outside or another room!!

By JellyMelly | 0

#660630 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:35

That sucks that he made that date kind of weird for you, he definately sounds like a dog lover. you should look for a guy who is allergic

By Twinklestar | 0

#660634 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:36

That's kind of sweet. I wish my bf liked dogs that much. Anyway, maybe you should have actually tried to strike up a conversation yourself rather than just answering his questions.