Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been... - FML

By batgirlrules881 - 7/11/2009 15:26 - United States

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

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Family values

The best cat

Hello everyone!

By Humiliated - 14/9/2009 12:58 - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

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By idiot bro - 6/7/2014 18:04 - United States - Brunswick

Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML

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By "syd_the_kidd_9707" - 25/2/2019 00:00

Today, I went in my car to a very important job interview. I was out of gas, so I had to get some on the way. When i was done pumping, I went to get back in and the door handle broke off on the driver's side. Then I blew a tire on a piece of metal. Needless to say, I lost my chance. FML

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By shadysheikh - 29/10/2014 04:55 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2011 11:21

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

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By NotDrunk - 11/9/2012 06:47 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was at a family dinner, which had gone into meltdown after my aunt said something sarcastic about my mother's drinking. I went out for some fresh air and stumbled about in the dark, unaware of the fact that a pool was being dug. I fell into the huge hole and lost a shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2011 17:26 - United States

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 04:50 - United States - Clifton

Today, I locked my keys in my car. Good thing I went to Lowe's to make spares, which are also now locked in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

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By emily - 23/6/2019 06:45

Today, I learned in my child development class that lying in toddlers is a sign of intelligence. I clearly remember that I didn’t even understand the concept of lying until I was 6 years-old. FML

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By sadchick - 9/9/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2017 01:30

Today, an hour after telling me she wasn't in mood for sex, my girlfriend called me to help her get a cucumber out of her ass. FML

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By Yohm - 6/11/2008 09:41 - France

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML

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By breakfast tea - 7/4/2012 19:30 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I was escorted out of the building for getting in a scuffle at my anger management class. FML

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By nosleep - 30/6/2017 16:46

Today, like every other day since I moved into this apartment a year ago, the construction crew started their noisy work at 5:30 in the morning. When I moved in I was promised it was a quiet neighborhood; only offices. What have they been building in the meantime? Three nightclubs. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

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By WeldedShut - 3/3/2017 18:00

Today, I was with a wedding party getting manicures. I absentmindedly used a freshly-painted nail to pick my nose and ended up with two beauticians scraping indestructible bright red gel varnish out of my left nostril with acetone soaked q-tips, while everyone sat waiting in complete silence. FML

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By jessiegirl - 22/8/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how sweetly the main character on my favorite tv show proposed to his girlfriend. He told me to hang on a second, and later forgot about me while he told his brother about the hot blonde he slept with last night. FML

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By wtbfiber - 5/3/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

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By wow - 19/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

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By GK - 8/5/2009 11:20 - Australia

Today, in my class I was nominated for the guy with the worst hairdo. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was nominated or the fact that I felt let down when I did not win. FML

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By homerde - 5/2/2011 06:29 - France

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

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By nikkei - 1/9/2018 22:00

Bullet = Dodged

Today, while paying for dinner, my card declined and my date immediately left. The waitress then ran my card again successfully. FML

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By Andrew - 24/11/2011 20:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to buy a bottle of wine from the supermarket. The scrawny, acne-ridden kid at the checkout asked to see my ID. I didn't have any on me, since I'm 37 years old and didn't expect to be asked stupid questions. I complained to his manager, only to be asked to leave. FML

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By Slowsky - 9/5/2012 10:19 - United States - Claremont

Today, I was at the gym on the elliptical. Feeling proud of myself for finishing a very intense workout, I looked to my left to see that the maintenance guy fixing the machine next to me had burned more calories testing the machine than I did during my entire workout. FML

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By kp - 3/9/2015 16:30 - United States

Today, my mom called me a druggie after she found out I smoked weed once. She's now threatening to sell my car, tell my boss, and ban me from seeing my fiancée. I'm 24. FML

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By Ishikur - 3/2/2016 13:33 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

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By -__-" - 29/9/2013 05:45 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

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By lorena_v - 10/11/2017 05:00

Today, I screamed at the top of my lungs in the middle of a math test because I saw a spider that wound up being a hairball. My teacher was incredibly sympathetic, taking off only five points for "disrupting our working environment". FML

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By Just keep the pins - 25/12/2016 17:50 - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

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By SickMaMa - 9/12/2014 22:39 - United States - Cortland

Today, my daughter wasn't feeling well, so we allowed her to sleep in bed with us. She snuggled right up with my husband. I felt a little jealous until she turned around and cuddled with me, just long enough to throw up all over me. She then flipped back over and snuggled with her dad. FML

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By guess28 - 14/7/2009 18:19 - Puerto Rico

Today, my girlfriend of over a year said she has been faking her orgasms since the first time we've had sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 15:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend told me that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Since he's my friend, I didn't want to call him out too bad, so I joked that 90% of statistics are made up on the spot. He called me an idiot and lectured me on how I'd just made that figure up myself. I need new friends. FML

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By ash - 18/5/2016 20:00 - United States - Winnebago

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

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By oink oink fuck off - 29/7/2012 18:49 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

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By pinkleopleurodon - 9/12/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

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By Tom - 6/6/2017 11:00 - United States - Antelope

Today, I went for my usual morning run. Halfway through, I needed to pee, so I found a perfect bush… to walk in on a lady who had also stopped to pee. I was called a pervert. FML

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By peter - 11/9/2009 04:33 - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

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By AngerManagement - 29/9/2011 08:04 - United Kingdom

Today, after being in the UK for 2 months, I learned that when saying, "I'm about to blow off and kill someone", to the British "blow off" means "fart." This was pointed out to me in an open-space office after a particularly loud rant. FML

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By SatelliteUser - 3/12/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

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Top comments

By Kristin_x | 0

#659510 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:01

all i have to say is...what an asshole.
cheaters don't deserve boyfriends/girlfriends

By velvel | 7

#659472 - Saturday 7 November 2009 19:50

oh wow. o_o what a gem!

Comments

By velvel | 7

#659472 - Saturday 7 November 2009 19:50

oh wow. o_o what a gem!

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#659622 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:49

AHAHAH

That guys got wit

YD

O and im second!!!! win +2

Reply

xCrackerx | 3

#659637 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:56

No you aren't. You're sixteenth.

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#659916 - Sunday 8 November 2009 0:28

^win +3

Reply

pinky2 | 0

#660259 - Sunday 8 November 2009 4:44

OP
your boyfriend WINS

Reply

NeonBlue | 0

#993871 - Saturday 15 May 2010 6:29

He's a keeper

By dabeachbum | 0

#659478 - Saturday 7 November 2009 19:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#659814 - Saturday 7 November 2009 23:20

omg I'm not! /cry

By delfinofrank | 0

#659488 - Saturday 7 November 2009 19:55

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

cre8or99 | 0

#2786163 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:21



Reply

D3ATHZ3RO | 15

#5476879 - Friday 3 May 2013 18:08

Go fuck yourself, will you?

By xstephylambx | 0

#659509 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:01

What an ass. Why not just break up with you?

By Kristin_x | 0

#659510 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:01

all i have to say is...what an asshole.
cheaters don't deserve boyfriends/girlfriends

Reply

smile_meh_love | 0

#2653787 - Friday 10 June 2011 10:10

agree

By perdix | 29

#659518 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:04

Ouch, nice parting shot. He's saying, "You're stupit!" (misspelled for effect).

Not nice, but still better than, "Why do you think you didn't deserve it?"

By nomadxx7 | 0

#659523 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:05

Hell OP, just sleep with one ofhis good looking friends. Nothing like a good mindf*ck and then you can say, "Man I see what you mean. It didn't take me anytime to sleep around on you either. Later sucka." Plus ball tag him on the way out. Cheater BFs/GFs need to be alone and die alone. Nothing shows lack of commitment and morals than someone unwilling to talk to their SO and yet will sleep with anything.

Reply

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7593353 - Thursday 1 February 2018 3:46

Why would she play with the asshole's innocent friend's feelings... that's just mean

By Lord_of_Metal | 0

#659551 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:16

Drop that motherfucker. You deserve better.

By BlowYaMind | 0

#659553 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:16

"Holy Santa Claus Shit!" (Step Brothers).
Well... if...you....are....sloowwww....
:]

By Xellith | 5

#659577 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:26

want me to stab him?