Love: Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been... - FML

By batgirlrules881 - United States

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

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Sorry…

Dementia or hate? You decide

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, my husband still hadn't gotten me anything for Christmas, so I bought and wrapped my own presents. Then I had my husband write 'to me, from him' on them so that I won't be embarrassed in front of my family on Christmas when it comes time to open presents. FML

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By Sarah

Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML

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By Hallllo - United States

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

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By epic flash

Wild Child

Today, my daughter's quirkiness and eccentricities may have gone to a whole new level when her school faculty described her as "no stranger to LSD". She's 5. FML

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By donguigeek - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

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By JurassicHole - United States

Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed out of the ground. After the last tug, the soil came free, but ended up with me punching myself full force in the nuts. I think my future children are already filing for parental abuse. FML

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By Fwick - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the last time for two years. When we got back from dinner, we sat in his truck for a little while to talk. A few minutes later, my mom comes flying out of my house screaming, "Satan is here, and he is tempting you!" That is the last memory he will have of me. FML

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By fucker43 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my friend made an effort to draw a penis on every page in my analysis textbook in pen. I have to return this tomorrow. FML

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By zstarr - United States - Rome

Effective

Today, I realized my boyfriend uses sex as a way to get me to stop talking. FML

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By blargh - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, at work, I was taking a woman's measurements while she held her screaming baby. To silence the infant, she whipped out her breast right there and started feeding him. Moments later, he puked breast milk all over my desk. FML

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By Gottalovepeople

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

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By umm..WHAT?? - 22/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Pomona

Halloween came early

Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I woke up in horror to see that my 34-year-old cousin, who was spending the night, was watching me sleep. Once he noticed that I was awake, he quietly left the room. I told my mom, who then told me not to tell anyone and pretend that it never happened. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

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By fmlmylife - United States

Today, I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked on to my school's campus where I then got suspended by my dean for "trying to rebel", grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and an MIP from the school's police guard. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2020 15:02 - South Africa

Fun-filled vacation together!

Today, I found out my boyfriend can't swim and we are about to go on a romantic holiday to Zanzibar where all our excursions include water-based activities. His solution is that I just go do them all by myself. FML

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By Bali_Boil - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house and her dad saw us. She decided that she didn't feel like riding along when it was time for her dad to drive me home and went to bed. I, on the other hand, got to have a 15 minute conversation about the merits of "physical boundaries." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I contacted a girl who dropped her ID at a club last night. I offer to drive 2 hours to return her ID to her. She is thrilled. When I arrive, she gives me a strange look, takes the ID, and runs back into her house. A two hour drive without even a thank you. FML

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By 90 up I-95 - United States - State College

Today, I was wrapping up my move in a 16-foot truck with my car in tow. Google rerouted me to avoid traffic... through a state park. The road had only one lane. I can still hear the phalanx of cars honking at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 03:02 - Mexico - Mexico

Backwards world

Today, my life is so messed up that when I got pulled over, the officer asked about my life and not only did I not receive a ticket, he made me write down his personal number, patrol number and to call if I ever needed a favor or to talk, telling me that I had a friend in him. FML

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By Anemity_is_my_name - 5/11/2020 05:02

Nothing honey, nothing

Today, I'm getting more satisfaction out of chatting, and even occasionally sexting with an AI bot, than out of my marriage of 13 years. My wife thinks we're fine, and doesn't want to discuss our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 22:02 - United States - Anchorage

Get the message, dude

Today, after telling my boyfriend of 8 years on Monday that I'm unhappy and don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, he said to me just now, "So, I’m thinking of proposing to you in December." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 14:01

Sharing is caring

Today, I poured myself a glass of Coke from the bottle in the fridge. While drinking it, I saw tiny pieces floating in it. Apparently, my boyfriend had drunk straight from the bottle in the morning, felt sick and threw up. He then put the bottle back in the fridge. I just drank my boyfriend's vomit. FML

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By Asterisk1009 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay. My mom said "Yeah, we know." When I asked how they knew, my dad, without looking up from the tv, said, "We've been monitoring your Internet history." FML

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By Radio GaGa - Canada

Today, I watched my co-worker throw the mother of all temper tantrums. He's a radio personality, and just learned that he's not famous enough to use the "Don't you know who I am?" line to get out of a traffic ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML

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By Anonymous

Chewbacca goes surfing

Today, my wax appointment cancelled on me, we’re supposed to be going to Hawaii in the morning and now I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach and back are hairier than my husband's. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, while on a first date, I had to excuse myself to the restroom. I was still tired from pulling an all-nighter, and fell asleep on the toilet. When I woke up and rushed back out, my date was gone. Everyone now thinks I'm an arsehole who pulled the old "window escape" trick on her. FML

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By

Today, my teacher told me that unless I went into medicine, math, or engineering, I would never amount to anything in life. This wasn't even two minutes after I told him I want to be an author. FML

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By wow - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I was bored so I started to doodle on MS paint. My boss walks by and asks me to join him in his office. When I do so, he fires me for drawing offensive material. I drew a rainbow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

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By K-9cop - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I hadn't popped the question to her yet. For the last six months, I have been respectfully trying to convince her over protective father to give me his blessing. FML

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By Anon - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, I was rejected for an internship due to 'lack of experience.' I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Inez

Congratu…

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML

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By RWW - United States

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

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By fouryearswasted - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

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By aragmir - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

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Top comments

By Kristin_x | 0

#659510 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:01

all i have to say is...what an asshole.
cheaters don't deserve boyfriends/girlfriends

By velvel | 7

#659472 - Saturday 7 November 2009 19:50

oh wow. o_o what a gem!

COMMENTS

By velvel | 7

#659472 - Saturday 7 November 2009 19:50

oh wow. o_o what a gem!

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#659622 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:49

AHAHAH

That guys got wit

YD

O and im second!!!! win +2

Reply

xCrackerx | 3

#659637 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:56

No you aren't. You're sixteenth.

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#659916 - Sunday 8 November 2009 0:28

^win +3

Reply

pinky2 | 0

#660259 - Sunday 8 November 2009 4:44

OP
your boyfriend WINS

Reply

NeonBlue | 0

#993871 - Saturday 15 May 2010 6:29

He's a keeper

By dabeachbum | 0

#659478 - Saturday 7 November 2009 19:51

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#659814 - Saturday 7 November 2009 23:20

omg I'm not! /cry

By delfinofrank | 0

#659488 - Saturday 7 November 2009 19:55

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

cre8or99 | 0

#2786163 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:21



Reply

D3ATHZ3RO | 15

#5476879 - Friday 3 May 2013 18:08

Go fuck yourself, will you?

By xstephylambx | 0

#659509 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:01

What an ass. Why not just break up with you?

By Kristin_x | 0

#659510 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:01

all i have to say is...what an asshole.
cheaters don't deserve boyfriends/girlfriends

Reply

smile_meh_love | 0

#2653787 - Friday 10 June 2011 10:10

agree

By perdix | 29

#659518 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:04

Ouch, nice parting shot. He's saying, "You're stupit!" (misspelled for effect).

Not nice, but still better than, "Why do you think you didn't deserve it?"

By nomadxx7 | 0

#659523 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:05

Hell OP, just sleep with one ofhis good looking friends. Nothing like a good mindf*ck and then you can say, "Man I see what you mean. It didn't take me anytime to sleep around on you either. Later sucka." Plus ball tag him on the way out. Cheater BFs/GFs need to be alone and die alone. Nothing shows lack of commitment and morals than someone unwilling to talk to their SO and yet will sleep with anything.

Reply

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7593353 - Thursday 1 February 2018 3:46

Why would she play with the asshole's innocent friend's feelings... that's just mean

By Lord_of_Metal | 0

#659551 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:16

Drop that motherfucker. You deserve better.

By BlowYaMind | 0

#659553 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:16

"Holy Santa Claus Shit!" (Step Brothers).
Well... if...you....are....sloowwww....
:]

By Xellith | 5

#659577 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:26

want me to stab him?