By Anonymous - 06/05/2014 22:47 - United States - Sparks

Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML
I agree, your life sucks 47 427
You deserved it 3 824

Same thing different taste

Top comments

Can't go wrong with the classic shovel + u can use it to dig the hole. This all completely hypothetical of course!!!!


Can't go wrong with the classic shovel + u can use it to dig the hole. This all completely hypothetical of course!!!!

I personally prefer the rake. It does exponential damage in the act and can make the hole in the ground look less conspicuous after the fact.

What about a hedge trimmer. Just lay some plastic down Dexter style and go.

Wood chipper. Remember to go feet first if you really hate them.

Recommend botulism... Only a small amount is needed to kill someone, it takes 24 hours to test for in hospital, and it's impossible to be targeted for murder. It's also reasonably quick at killing someone. Not that I'm psycho; my newspaper had a story about NZ Milk having a Botulism scare for baby products. Turned out to be all BS precautionary steps, thankfully.

LostInTheZone11 29

Ermmm.....that isn't a gardening tool're just into the whole murder topic in general eh.

Lawn mower works really well if you don't mind the cleanup

My money's on the weedwhacker Slice through that throat in seconds

Tell him if its that bad, you could use your tool... And shell never bother coming around him again

TrackGirl19 29

More people are killed by hammers every year than by hand guns in the USA

lol I read hamsters instead of hammers.


I'm always a fan of melee weapons (; i.e. axe, hammer, etc.

Go for the trowel. No one ever suspects the trowel.

96 who needs gun control? we need hammer control damnit!

I was wondering the same- this FML needs a follow up!

A hoe of course! Use a hoe to kill a hoe…anyone?

GinaWater95 8

I recommend watching a few episodes of Dexter. Then, the guy will think he's in control with his perfect set of tools. When he goes to commit the crime BAM who's in control now bitches? Dexter of course (in this case the OP).

RedPillSucks 31

@36. Sorry you got downvoted. I was thinking exactly the same thing.

If only it were that simple. Not to bash the police, because generally they do their best, but they wouldn't be able to do anything. Unless there is irrefutable proof that the guy was going to act on it or was in the commission of the crime, their hands would be tied. They can enforce a law one broken, prevention usually involves civil rights being trampled.

However, if Mrs. X is found dead in the next few days, having a hint that Mr. X was looking for the information could be useful.

GinaWater95 8

The men in blue will not save the day. They just clean up the mess.

dannnngthatsux 19

Civil rights being trampled aren't very high on the list anymore. Just be sure that you in no way are a threat to their well being. The courts over and over (SCOTUS especially) have been saying even if there was no threat, a perceived threat, I.e. 'can't see your hands', is enough for justifiable homicide. Better not to chance it.

You should've played along and offered help, just to see his reaction

I don't think a reaction would be worth being an accessory to a murder.

#16 she knows this man personally, and was there at the store with him. It could be a joke, but seriously why would you take that chance?

EphMi 5

is it a crime to give "hypothetically" advises now? OP would only trying to be helpful in his/her job.

#25 Where does it say that they knew each other personally?

In a post completely unrelated to #66's comment, someone should really invent a sarcasm font or other obvious way to denote sarcastic remarks.

I agree with #4 honestly, 99% of the time people say things like that jokingly. If I was planning a murder I wouldn't start asking people for advice, that just draws attention and someone probably would call the police.

cryssycakesx3 22

#70 I thought that's what /s is for

#70- I usually use quotes because it is similar to using air quotes. Otherwise, I use italics.

Never heard of using that before. You're the first.

Dillyduzit 23

I would have called the police. You can never take things like that too lightly.

Right. If it really seemed like he wasn't joking, then I definitely would have gotten his name from his credit card receipt and called the police. At worst, he really was just joking, but at best you're saving someone's life.

most people that intend to buy murder equipment pay cash.

Yes. Yes we do. And we buy our equipment months in advance. Nothing screams GUILTY like showing up on CCTV at home depot buying chicken wire, cement and cinder blocks just before a significant other dissapears.

RedPillSucks 31

If this guy is dumb enough to ask a sales clerk for advice on his "hypothetical" murder, I'm guessing he's also dumb enough to pay by card.

You're the reason the police can't defend the people who really need help because they come to your "aid" when there wasn't any threat and now you've just successfully wasted the pd'a time, money, and endangered someone's life. You also just caused a bit of grief for a person who was merely awkward at conversation. You need to commit yourself to a hospital before you **** anything up for anyone.

Dillyduzit 23

You need to calm down, friend.

#106, are you aware that you can make non-emergency reports? As in, you can call or go to your local police station and file a report (which costs no money and endangers 0 lives, and consumes only minimal time from someone whose job is to receive reports anyway). I'm not saying the cashier should have called 911 on the spot. This was obvious to anyone with half a brain.

I would've recommended a hoe... Nothing like saying your wife was killed by your hoe haha

Must be a prank.. Nobody is that stupid

I would've started looking for hidden cameras. This almost sounds like a "What Would You Do?" scenario.

You would be amazed at how stupid people really are.

you should have just casually told him every walmart has an instore specialist on garden implement based murder and sent him on his way

Be an expert salesman! Start quoting movie plots involving use of tools. Be completely joking with it, and give him gory details. I had customers in the past like that, and they end up making decent sales! One time a customer asked "Give me a freezer that can hold lots of meat!" So I showed him around... There was a trailer for a horror showing on display screens. We discussed that we could "cut up and fit approximately 5 children in this model" etc. Joking that way make me an awesome commission!

graceinsheepwear 33

5 dead children freezer capacity? Gruesome. You're lucky that joke didn't go over badly. I'd be afraid to throw that out to a stranger, even jokingly.

What if the guy actually took it seriously and stored children he kidnapped off the streets. That could be the reason you made the sell...

Hypothetically speaking, a shovel would be the best tool. Some people would prefer a hoe though.