All the FMLs

By beaten - 13/09/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 375

You deserved it 14 147

Money money money!

By ofcourse - 13/09/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I got a promotion to management at work. My employer decided to give the 'non-management' employees a really nice raise. Which means the job I had before my promotion is now paying more than the job I have now. Did I just get demoted? FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 939

You deserved it 2 635

Pleased to meet you

By footinmouth - 13/09/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 022

You deserved it 14 117

Romance isn't dead

By broken - 13/09/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend in his room. He grabbed me behind the head to pull me in for a hard, romantic kiss. He accidentally smashed my nose into his cheekbone, and my nose started gushing blood and continued to bleed for over 2 hours. It's broken, and he just laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 015

You deserved it 4 481

By badhair - 13/09/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to a salon. As soon as I walked in, someone ran to me and inspected my hair and said, "We can fix this." I was there to get my daughter's hair done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 126

You deserved it 6 242

By Anonymous - 13/09/2009 02:44 - Canada

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost 6 years has put me in debt over $33,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 385

You deserved it 17 239

By Anonymous - 13/09/2009 02:42 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend while looking at Halloween costumes online for this year's Halloween party and said, "Maybe we could go as Bonnie and Clyde this year." He said, "Maybe we should go as a broken up couple," and hung up on me. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 547

You deserved it 3 916

Oh, by the way…

By Tagged - 13/09/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 255

You deserved it 7 781

Backfire

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 019

You deserved it 5 597

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 21:19 - United States

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 679

You deserved it 96 658

Blast from the past

By Ljsmitty - 12/09/2009 20:14 - United States

Today, I was messaged by a great guy I went to college with, and he was telling me how stupid he had been for not asking me out in college and about how much he had liked me. After talking for 30 minutes about trying to get together soon, he told me that he had mistaken me for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 360

You deserved it 2 912

Buzzed

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 20:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year-old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 802

You deserved it 54 552

Own goal

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 18:58 - United States

Today, I had a soccer game. A player from the other team hit me in the face. In the next half, she was the goalie and I was determined to score on her. When I finally got my chance to, everyone cheered, until I kicked the ball into the goal post and it bounced back and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 886

You deserved it 8 909

By ambulancedriver - 12/09/2009 18:35 - Poland

Today, I was on the job as an ambulance driver, I got a call about a man who claimed he'd had a heart attack. When I got to the house, it turned out the man was fine. I did however manage to hit a dog on the way there in fear of the man dying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 431

You deserved it 5 498

Time to move

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, I updated an e-mail I've saved to drafts and have been updating every day for the last few months to a girl I really adore. In this letter, I told her everything I ever kept from her. Instead of saving it to drafts again, I accidentally sent it. And she's online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 636

You deserved it 51 497

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, at Six flags, friends and I were going to ride "Superman". People lose their phones on it easily, so I asked a friend who decided not to ride to put mine in her bag. When it ended, I learned she went and asked an employee in navy to hold onto it, but couldn't find him. Employees wear yellow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 504

You deserved it 7 102

Deception

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 16:21 - United States

Today, I threw an elaborate surprise birthday party for my boyfriend of four years. He thought we were going to a quiet dinner but when we arrived, thirty of his friends jumped out and surprised him. Instead of kissing me to thank me, he broke up with me because of how easily I had lied to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 751

You deserved it 4 763

Rough patch

By nosexlife - 12/09/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, I was with my seven year-old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn't find it. She loudly responded, "Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 705

You deserved it 5 041

Pleased to see me?

By Lukev7 - 12/09/2009 13:14 - Australia

Today, it was my first day at Military School. Our commander walked into the sleeping quarters, instructing us all to get up and stand at the foot of our beds. I had morning wood, which the commander wasted no time in addressing in front of the rest of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 024

You deserved it 5 604

Good boy

By TrainedBF - 12/09/2009 12:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied, "They worked on you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 751

You deserved it 47 128

By Lonely - 12/09/2009 11:53 - Australia

Today, I found out that despite having attended every university party held over the last two years, the only physical contact I have had with a member of the opposite sex is when the security guard stamps my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 589

You deserved it 8 413

By ksgirl - 12/09/2009 07:39 - United States

Today, the guy I have been in love with for years decided to tell me all about his women problems and how he can't find someone. After telling him I loved him he responds, "do you know if anyone else does?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 234

You deserved it 4 059

Brutally honest

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 07:25 - Australia

Today, at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. His reply? "Not as good as her sister." His defense? "It was only one time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 978

You deserved it 2 927

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, my brother thought he would take my key and steal my shoes from my football locker while I was at practice. What he didn't think about was him leaving my locker unlocked for the 3 hours of practice. Someone stole my iPod, my cell phone, my wallet, and all of my clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 212

You deserved it 2 871

By badjob - 12/09/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I called the company with whom I had a job interview last week, which I thought went great, but hadn't heard back from. One of the interviewers claimed that I tried to grope her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 283

You deserved it 3 090

By sucksforme - 12/09/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 608

You deserved it 3 536

By Thistle - 12/09/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I filled out an application at WalMart after being unable to find a job in three months. I just graduated from law school. With honors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 670

You deserved it 5 129

By KarmaGirl - 11/09/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, I tried to help a large, elderly nun who had slipped. She was stuck and wedged in on a concrete ramp. So I stood facing her, feet braced against hers, and pulled. Not only did I drop her, but I got a wicked view of her panties and crotch. I'm sure I'm going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 226

You deserved it 4 497

ITSALLDAVESFAULT tells us more.

ITSALLDAVESFAULT 0

Wednesday 23 September 2009 15:40

Hey! This is a true story people. She got wedged in a ramp comming out of a McDonalds in winter. She slipped, and fell where it was a concrete walled-in ramp. the walls were just tall enough to make it hard. She also had some sort of braces on her ankles....so, she couldn't be rolled to one side or the other, no room to even squeeze in beside her. We actually had a LPN come along who knew how to properly lift someone heavy, and by herself.......I was only trying to help a sister out.....and she was not commando thank god! For all you who are interested in my afterlife status.....I don't believe in god, and it WAS an accident. I just figure I might be wrong, and no-one is suposed to have seen what I saw....that's all I'm saying people. KarmaGirl

By SlowLane - 11/09/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I got 4 "photo enforced" speeding tickets in the mail. It was from the car that was stolen from me three weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 343

You deserved it 2 842

Good boy

By fall3nrain - 11/09/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I was trying to keep myself occupied due to my recent breakup. I was reading this book someone gave me about animal communication, so after a while, I figured I'd give it a shot. Then it dawned on me; I'm single, at home on a Friday night, and I'm trying to talk to my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 824

You deserved it 7 181

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The Top

The Top

Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey on my breast. To be fair I decided to give him a hickey on his chest. He was so worried about catching shit from the guys on his swim team that he dislocated my jaw trying to get me off him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 018

You deserved it 14 439

Today, my professor stated that every student who had perfect attendance would be exempt from taking the final. Having perfect attendance so far, I was thrilled. Then come to find out I have jury duty the day before the exam; she won't excuse my absence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 538

You deserved it 144

Today, I got written up for “making a big show” of being exhausted at work. I was trying to hide it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 154

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my family. Over the next hour, a huge religious debate erupted, and my grandfather drunkenly told us all how he almost killed himself once while experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation. My boyfriend called us all crazy and seems to have dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 954

You deserved it 5 574

Today, I found out that the sleeping mask I'd been using for months was actually part of a BDSM kit. I found the rest of it in my dad's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 418

You deserved it 1 266

Today, my mom had a tantrum and screamed at me over my use of bronzer. She called me a selfish bitch and claimed that I'm somehow slowly giving myself skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 027

You deserved it 17 633