Miscellaneous: Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room.... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

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Season finale

This is us

Freak out

By Jack

Today, my washing machine broke down, within its warranty. I asked my neighbour if she could open the door for the mechanic while I was at work; she agreed. When I came home, I had a bill for 80 bucks for not opening the door. Her reason? She was busy watching her favorite TV show. FML

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By

New revelation

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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By Courtney - United States

Today, I couldn't figure out what was worse: accidentally dropping my car keys into the bottom of a filthy park lake, or getting a fishhook through my toenail in an attempt to retrieve them. FML

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By xx-look-at-xx - France - Auriol

Today, I was supervising some kids, who were playing on a bouncy castle. One of them managed to kick me in the face during a jump, and looking for an apology, I asked, "What do you say?" He paused, then shouted, "HEADSHOTTTTT!" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my mum found out she's pregnant. I would be happy for her, if she knew who the father was. FML

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By shit - United States

Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML

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By ZittyMii - United States

Today, a friend of mine had a Wii party and made everyone into Miis. My Mii had freckles. I don't have freckles. When I commented on it, she said, "Well, there isn't a zit feature." FML

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By iamamermaid - United States - Hemet

Today, I decided to use an at-home waxing kit for the first time to get rid of the hair on my upper lip. After experiencing the trauma of waxing, I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to see that I now have acne everywhere I had waxed. I have an acne mustache. FML

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By not a boy toy

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

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By daddy'sgirl - United States - Memphis

Today, I was lecturing my high school students on the importance of a good education. I pointed out the janitor in the hall and told them if they didn't stay in school, they'd end up like him. Then one of my students raised her hand and reminded me that the janitor I pointed to was her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Navan

Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, "sorry, little man". Turns out he actually was a "little person". FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

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By IGOTIT - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I stubbed my toe, and as I was hopping about clutching my toe and swearing like a drunken sailor, I turned and saw my boss, our CEO and pretty much the entire board of directors through the boardroom's open door. FML

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By familyofpsychos - United States - Elkhorn

Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML

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By Brayden - Australia - Crib Point

Today, the person I was driving behind put their car in reverse and backed straight into me. I was then yelled at and told, "I had my reversing lights on! Why didn't you move?!" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 11:01

The Good Life

Today, I live in a tiny village in the countryside. Nice and quiet, right? Wrong. The farm next door rents out their land to some kind of soil processing company. Basically, it’s like living next to a never-ending construction site that knows neither Sundays nor holidays. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs in the door. FML

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By Banana_Lord - United Kingdom - Arbroath

Today, I rode my new bike for the first time. I made it less than 100 feet from my driveway before I was almost flattened by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Upside: I managed to get out of the way. Downside: I did it by slamming my brand new, expensive bike into a wall. FML

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By thedeadone

Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML

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By Mayyouneverfindpleasureinavagina - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at karate, my sparring partner thought it was completely okay to surprise kick me in the vagina. When he saw me doubled over in pain, he was completely surprised. Apparently, he thought that it wouldn't hurt, because I have no penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sat down on a chair after my very large boss sat on it all day. When I got up, my pants were damp. FML

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By Completely Innocent - United States

Today, a coworker told my manager that I and another girl were plotting to get her fired at the end of the month. She actually believed her. Now we're suspended without pay for two weeks for conspiracy. FML

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By Boo - United Kingdom

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

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By VampiresSayRawr - Canada

Today, I tried having intercourse with my boyfriend, and about 30 seconds in, I heard flipping. He was looking at a porn magazine. "It's to keep my erection" he answered. FML

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By TurtleTeacher - United States

Today, my students took my glasses, hid them from me, and called me a turtle when I squinted my eyes trying to look for them. This carried on for about 25 minutes. FML

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By twobyfour

Shelved plans

Today, after spending two hard months losing 20 pounds of my 80 pound goal, I was actually excited to exercise. After I was done exercising, I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, if it wasn't already embarrassing enough to tell my boyfriend I was on my period, I had to explain what a period is in the first place, how it works, and why it means nothing can happen during that time of the month. He's twenty. FML

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By hairless by death - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML

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By "socially awkward cupcake "

Today, guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

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By Soontobeex - United States

Today, I decided to go through my husband's phone to make sure I invited everyone to the surprise party I was planning for him. There were a few I had missed so I called to let them know about it. The last number I called was his girlfriend. FML

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By Willow McGarrigle - 4/6/2020 23:00

Manipulation

Today, my ex, who I only dated for 3 months, told me the only reason why he dated me was because he thought my sister was hot, and he just wanted to get closer to her. So thank you for that. FML

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By snow

Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn't find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Whittier

Today, my manager made everyone put up Christmas decorations around the store. As well as this, we're going to have Christmas music playing on repeat all the way through to January. It's not even September yet. FML

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By hairycarrie - 28/8/2020 04:49 - United States

Splitting hairs

Today, although the I’ve always kept my pubic hair neat and trimmed, my boyfriend once again complained that I don’t shave. When I told him that shaving is uncomfortable and risks ingrown hairs, he sulked and said, “But it’ll look so much better!” He needs to lay off the porn. FML

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By Mayshod

Today, I met my new neighbors when they backed into my parked car. FML

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By henley

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

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By hAHAha Halo - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received an email with a link to a story about a man who lost 650 pounds. I ignored it, until I saw who sent it. My mom, with the message "Maybe there's hope for you." FML

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Top comments

By shananigans | 0

#770009 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:51

I'm probably the only freak who thought the most interesting part of this FML was the OP's use of the word necking.

Oh and your dad wins.

By 24788 | 6

#769962 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:10

I don't know if I approve of you seeing this Jake guy in subject.

COMMENTS

By whataloadofbull | 0

#769945 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:03

Ouch. Dunno how your dad knew that but that sucks...
my first first EVER btw XD

Reply

neonokku | 0

#770126 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:39

maybe she's not in college yet. o_O

Reply

iGreen_Day | 0

#770496 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 19:35

Whoof, can you say 'pwned'?

Reply

Reyo | 2

#770797 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 22:59

Maybe you shouldn't be giving your innocense all willy-nilly...

Reply

azreal_13 | 0

#1240857 - Saturday 14 August 2010 14:30

#47 yes you can :) 

Reply

osnapitzkay | 8

#4794735 - Friday 10 August 2012 0:20

Oh My God. I love your profile pic

By Shokz992 | 0

#769954 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:07

Well done you. Cookie?

By 24788 | 6

#769962 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:10

I don't know if I approve of you seeing this Jake guy in subject.

Reply

NewMetalGirl | 14

#5471529 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 3:06

Was it jake from State Farm?

Reply

justindrew14 | 29

#5716035 - Monday 14 October 2013 16:50

^ OMG OMG IM DYING RIGHT NOW I FUCKIMG LOVE YOUR COMMENT I WISH I COULD LIKE THIS MORE THEN JUST ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By BangOut | 2

#769982 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:23

Pics or didn't happen

By TomasT | 0

#769996 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:37

That's one cool dad!

Reply

HamsteronA | 0

#857986 - Monday 15 February 2010 13:55

that's one uncool avatar!

Reply

Sky1K | 2

#2948409 - Friday 22 July 2011 4:09

Haha owned

By CallMeHush | 0

#769998 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:37

Dear Old Dad FTW!

By Spac3Ghost | 0

#770001 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:41

your parents listen to you cum with jake for two years!? and they didnt bust in on you!? (assuming you have been made guilty by jake more than once) =) hahahaha your parents are awesome =) im very jealous!!!

Reply

npk88 | 0

#770368 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 16:52

these actually sound like some of the coolest parents ever. If they have been married long enough to have a teenager and still make out in their living room....yeah; that's hot.

Reply

Quacki | 0

#3111436 - Monday 15 August 2011 9:35

I think she means he was her boyfriend from two years ago.

By shananigans | 0

#770009 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:51

I'm probably the only freak who thought the most interesting part of this FML was the OP's use of the word necking.

Oh and your dad wins.

Reply

nmlutgen | 11

#4866081 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:07

I agree haha

By applebranch | 0

#770014 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:56

Agreed! Who says "necking" these days? No one, that's who. :P

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#770018 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 10:01

I say necking... D:

Reply

Starfire22 | 5

#770198 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 14:08

Redbluegreen! I missed you!!!

Reply

Starfire22 | 5

#770300 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 16:01

I missed you!!!

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#770327 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 16:20

although the word is awesome...its nothing compared to actions

Reply

Bojanglies | 0

#770430 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 18:17

I'm a chicken. I say 'wattling'

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#774867 - Friday 15 January 2010 0:30

I missed you too my dear.

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#774879 - Friday 15 January 2010 0:35

We've all missed you, Starfire.

Reply

Splayd | 10

#3370492 - Friday 30 September 2011 20:56

I would say "necking" if I thought of it.

By WTFsGoingOn | 0

#770015 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:57

That's the great things about dads, they always throw out the last thing you ever expected to hear from them.