Miscellaneous: Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room.... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

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Understandable

Trust

Rich people problems

By jamienicole1993 - United States - Savannah

Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML

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By Jeanna S. - United States

Today, my cat was too overweight to get out of the litter box, so he gave up, and went to sleep. I had to pick him up out of his own waste and clean him up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I slipped and sprained my ankle while shopping for a present for my husband, who later came home and tripped over my elevated leg, hurting my ankle again. Now I have an excruciating sprain, and a spouse who's furious at me because "I shouldn't have tried to surprise him." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Banchory

Alexa, play "Get The Message" by Electronic

Today, it became apparent that telling your crush you like them isn't worth a response. I mean after all it's not like I'm sitting here not thinking about them and hoping for something to happen. No no, a simple "No thanks" is too much hard work for some. FML

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By walkingonsunshine - France

Today, my long term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way to old for him. I'm 3 years younger than my fiancé. FML

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By Z'ev - United States - New York

Today, I went to get my car fixed. There was a vending machine in the waiting room, and I was hungry. The snacks were overpriced, but I still had a little money left over. I noticed a bag of Cheetos hanging loose, so I paid for them, hoping to get two bags. They both got stuck. FML

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By bloodyLIP - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML

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By Britishboy1991

Pay up

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

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By Perry85

Not my turn

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

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By sirttocs

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I remembered what I did in my sleep last night. Turns out, in my sleep, I grabbed her crotch and said, “Just making sure you’re not Shae.” Shae is her sister. FML

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By erianne

Today, the neighbors heard a blood curdling scream and called the cops, thinking I was being murdered. Nope. I just stubbed my toe. FML

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By Janice - Canada

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

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By Darth Binks - Canada

Today, I came back from vacation to find a packet on the company's stress management programs on my desk. I was sent the same packet over my vacation. I got the same packet from my boss as I left. All because I snapped at a co-worker who was throwing a tantrum over the Star Wars trailer. FML

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By suckishbf - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

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By serialkillingex - Netherlands

Today, my ex won a writing competition. His story was inspired by our relationship. In it, I'm a serial killing prostitute. FML

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By just die already - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

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By Anonymous

Jedi mind trick

Today, my stepdad punched me in the face after I told him I hated him. He and my mom came in 10 minutes later to try to convince me that I'd made it up in my head that he'd punched me. My face was still red. FML

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By arose - United States

Today, I did a quick load of laundry so I would have work clothes for the week. I don't have my own dryer so I dried them in the one in my building. After running out to my car, I came back to find that my neighborhood kids had added 6 sharpies to my clothes. Every uniform I own has stripes. FML

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By ihmmil

Belly Finger

Today, my husband was trying to be sexy. He asked me if I wanted to sit on his "Belly Finger"! Major mood kill. FML

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By laststand11 - Reserved

Today, I received a very expensive bottle of wine for Christmas. My alcoholic mother snuck into my house while I was out and drank the whole bottle. FML

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By coloneltushfinger

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By BeachBummer

Today, I’ve been up since 5am getting everything ready for the beach. This is the first nice weekend we’ve had this season. I have a dressed toddler asleep on the couch and grown ass man that refuses to get out of bed. Today it’s 80 degrees. Next weekend is 50 degrees. FML

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By nudesurprise - United States

Today, I was at my new apartment. My fiancé was coming home so I filled the apartment with candles and put on some sexy music. When he came up to my door, I answered the door, naked. What I didn't know was that he was bringing his dad to see the new apartment. FML

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By ouch

Scratch that

Today, after 4 days of using anti-itch cream for what pharmacists and nurses have called “an allergic reaction”, I was diagnosed with shingles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Du Bois

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about the difference between the U.S. and Canada when she asked me if they have their own government. She wasn't sure if they were governed by the U.S. or if they didn't have a government at all. She's a 33-year-old college graduate. FML

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By ohgodwhy - United States

Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML

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By wiifantcso - United States - Sturtevant

Today, my sister was upset because she felt like no one liked her. Without thinking, I replied, "It's okay. If I acted like you, people would probably hate me, too." This sounded sympathetic in my head. FML

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By j0j0 - France

Today, wanting to change from the usual pizza/coca cola menu, I decide to cook. After spending 1h30 making a "beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin" I sprinkle a bit of salt on top of it. The top came off the salt. I think it's back to pizzas for me. FML

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By hannah - 18/2/2021 00:30

Shot from both sides

Today, I was yelled at by multiple people at work for not wearing any makeup. The only reason I don’t wear makeup is because my mom is guaranteed to make me cry before I leave the house every morning, so there’s no point. FML

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By owmyhead - South Africa

Today, I woke up with a fever and a migraine. I work at an audiology clinic and my day consists of being shouted at down the phone by practically deaf people. FML

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By Hannah - 27/3/2021 05:01

Size zero

Today, I have been trying for 5 days to gain weight. Which for me, requires stuffing myself to the point of exploding. I haven’t slept in days because I'm constantly digesting food. FML

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By pvtcab - United States

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

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By 181999 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment for the first time, only to see another girl walking out. I accused her of cheating with him and we got into a fight. Turns out I was at the wrong apartment. He lives next door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a package containing a present from my grandma. It was a pack of cookies someone gave her for her birthday, and which no one in the family wanted to take home when she offered, because we all found the cookies disgusting. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

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By teaspoonzz

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

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By cathouse - United Kingdom

Today, my family came back from holiday to discover that my little sister had messed with the cat flap before we left. Several stray cats were able to come in, but were unable to get out, and left shit in various areas around the house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad tried to help me overcome my intense fear of horses (due to nearly being killed by one as a child) by taking me to a ranch. Within 30 minutes, a horse bit my face. FML

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By idiot says pussy - United States

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

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By noname - France

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

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Top comments

By shananigans | 0

#770009 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:51

I'm probably the only freak who thought the most interesting part of this FML was the OP's use of the word necking.

Oh and your dad wins.

By 24788 | 6

#769962 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:10

I don't know if I approve of you seeing this Jake guy in subject.

COMMENTS

By whataloadofbull | 0

#769945 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:03

Ouch. Dunno how your dad knew that but that sucks...
my first first EVER btw XD

Reply

neonokku | 0

#770126 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:39

maybe she's not in college yet. o_O

Reply

iGreen_Day | 0

#770496 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 19:35

Whoof, can you say 'pwned'?

Reply

Reyo | 2

#770797 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 22:59

Maybe you shouldn't be giving your innocense all willy-nilly...

Reply

azreal_13 | 0

#1240857 - Saturday 14 August 2010 14:30

#47 yes you can :) 

Reply

osnapitzkay | 8

#4794735 - Friday 10 August 2012 0:20

Oh My God. I love your profile pic

By Shokz992 | 0

#769954 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:07

Well done you. Cookie?

By 24788 | 6

#769962 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:10

I don't know if I approve of you seeing this Jake guy in subject.

Reply

NewMetalGirl | 14

#5471529 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 3:06

Was it jake from State Farm?

Reply

justindrew14 | 29

#5716035 - Monday 14 October 2013 16:50

^ OMG OMG IM DYING RIGHT NOW I FUCKIMG LOVE YOUR COMMENT I WISH I COULD LIKE THIS MORE THEN JUST ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By BangOut | 2

#769982 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:23

Pics or didn't happen

By TomasT | 0

#769996 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:37

That's one cool dad!

Reply

HamsteronA | 0

#857986 - Monday 15 February 2010 13:55

that's one uncool avatar!

Reply

Sky1K | 2

#2948409 - Friday 22 July 2011 4:09

Haha owned

By CallMeHush | 0

#769998 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:37

Dear Old Dad FTW!

By Spac3Ghost | 0

#770001 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:41

your parents listen to you cum with jake for two years!? and they didnt bust in on you!? (assuming you have been made guilty by jake more than once) =) hahahaha your parents are awesome =) im very jealous!!!

Reply

npk88 | 0

#770368 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 16:52

these actually sound like some of the coolest parents ever. If they have been married long enough to have a teenager and still make out in their living room....yeah; that's hot.

Reply

Quacki | 0

#3111436 - Monday 15 August 2011 9:35

I think she means he was her boyfriend from two years ago.

By shananigans | 0

#770009 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:51

I'm probably the only freak who thought the most interesting part of this FML was the OP's use of the word necking.

Oh and your dad wins.

Reply

nmlutgen | 11

#4866081 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:07

I agree haha

By applebranch | 0

#770014 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:56

Agreed! Who says "necking" these days? No one, that's who. :P

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#770018 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 10:01

I say necking... D:

Reply

Starfire22 | 5

#770198 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 14:08

Redbluegreen! I missed you!!!

Reply

Starfire22 | 5

#770300 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 16:01

I missed you!!!

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#770327 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 16:20

although the word is awesome...its nothing compared to actions

Reply

Bojanglies | 0

#770430 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 18:17

I'm a chicken. I say 'wattling'

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#774867 - Friday 15 January 2010 0:30

I missed you too my dear.

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#774879 - Friday 15 January 2010 0:35

We've all missed you, Starfire.

Reply

Splayd | 10

#3370492 - Friday 30 September 2011 20:56

I would say "necking" if I thought of it.

By WTFsGoingOn | 0

#770015 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:57

That's the great things about dads, they always throw out the last thing you ever expected to hear from them.