Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room.... - FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 02:25 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

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Rock, hard place

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By NoSacredSpace - 19/5/2018 05:00

Today, I can finally say there’s no part of my body that hasn’t had a pimple show up. I found a zit on my clit. FML

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By noshow - 11/12/2014 05:44 - United States - Richardson

Today, it's the last night before a concert. Today is also the day my brother pawned my clarinet for drug money. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

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By paddy - 14/7/2009 12:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a neon themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2013 06:06 - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a man came in and placed his order. I made his drink, topped it with whipped cream, and put the lid on. Some cream was seeping out of the top. He looked at me and said, "Good... you left a nipple..." and slowly licked it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 06:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

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By unknown - 7/4/2013 04:26 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, a couple stopped me on the beach to take a picture of them kissing in front of the sunset. I agreed feeling generous, until they continued making out after the picture was taken, leaving me standing there awkwardly with their camera. FML

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By LA - 17/2/2009 01:31 - United States

Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 01:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my little brother has been rubbing my toothbrush in dog shit for the last month because I accidentally broke one of his toys. FML

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By Puick - 26/12/2013 23:50 - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 16:23 - United States - Mulino

Today, while I was pet-sitting for my boyfriend's parents, one of their dogs killed one of their kittens. FML

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By argh - 24/2/2010 06:29 - Canada

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 20:16 - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé's best friend, who will be our best man at our wedding, decided to confess his feelings for me and tell me how he's always dreamed of us eloping together. The wedding is going to be awkward. FML

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By watchmaker - 16/12/2009 09:37 - United Kingdom

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I decided to head out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

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By becca1417 - 1/9/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

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By okay - 22/7/2015 04:58 - United States - Woodstock

Today, a customer complained he never got his sandwich, even though I put it in the oven, dressed it up and served it to him. When I went to clear his table off, I saw the sandwich basket. We had to give him his money back. FML

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By devinbyrne - 5/3/2011 20:26 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML

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By joeshmoe - 5/9/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, my 26th birthday party got busted by my parents due to them coming home early because of a flight cancellation. Everyone had to leave, but not before my mother made me go to my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2015 11:25 - Germany - Felsberg

Today, I heard my boyfriend telling a female friend that his ex was so gorgeous and out of his league that it made him feel inadequate, and so he now only dates within reach. She told him he's hot enough to have anyone he wants. 30 seconds later they were tongue-deep in each other's throat. FML

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By DaisyMay - 4/4/2011 19:47 - United States

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

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By Payte - 8/4/2011 05:31

Today, I was talking to a guy on the phone. I told him I'd be right back. I thought I'd put him on mute. Turns out he heard everything as I took the biggest dump I've ever taken. We haven't talked since. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 16:41 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I woke up to my dog laying on the pillow next to me. When he saw that I was awake, he wagged his tail happily and then promptly sneezed in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2013 18:52 - United States - Manhattan

Today, it's the fourth day of my new diet. I told my friends and family to watch me every time I eat to make sure it's healthy. I got so desperate that I hid some chocolates in my pocket then scarfed them down while pooping. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2014 02:11 - United States - Pratt

Today, I told my boyfriend the dentist said my blood pressure was high. He was more interested in the fact that the dentist took my blood pressure than my blood pressure being high. FML

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By DOGSNACHER - 29/12/2010 03:43 - United States

Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML

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By rejected - 2/10/2014 08:56 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I thought I was finally over my anxiety problem, and confidently went to my first ever job interview. Halfway through, the manager tells me that if I didn't stop being so nervous, he couldn't give me the job. I cried. FML

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By waymoreiwanted - 15/2/2014 03:21 - United States - Ashland

Today, I opened up a snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

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By ugh - 12/3/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

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By Brendan - 19/2/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

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By hannaholic - 3/7/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I went on an excellent first date. After the 'end of the date kiss' came, "I suppose this is where I tell you that I'm married." FML

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By SupermarketSally - 25/11/2016 13:45 - Australia - Perth

Today, a customer threw a bottle of milk at me because we'd moved our smoke counter 6 months earlier during our renovations. Moved it five metres to the right that is. He marched out of the store, then marched back, grabbed the milk from my hands, threw $5 at me and then left again. FML

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By Madridsta - 28/6/2014 06:28 - United States - Rialto

Today, while being high for the first time after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I called my dental assistant pretty before leaving, and then shouted, "I NEED TO POOP!" to the whole office. FML

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By thisbethed - 2/11/2015 22:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss made up a rumor that I was quitting my job so I wouldn't get the promotion that was coming up. There goes that raise I've been wanting for six months. FML

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By brunetteshavemorefun - 22/12/2012 17:56 - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, I dyed my naturally-blonde hair dark brown. Upon seeing me, my boyfriend immediately wanted to have sex, because I now remind him of his favourite porn star. FML

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By KamiAzaaaaaa - 11/12/2015 16:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my credit card was maxed out to the penny, all thanks to purchases made on an online wine store. Apparently my mother was thirsty enough to steal from her own son. FML

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By IceMage - 18/1/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 08:38 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML

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By Lola987 - 18/3/2019 00:00

Today, on my birthday, I tried to be a good girlfriend by making sure my boyfriend of 3 years alarms were set for work on his phone. Noticed he’s back to talking to his ex as the messenger bubble had her face in it.. He was asking for boob pictures...FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 00:11 - Canada - Toronto

Timing

Today, my boyfriend came out of the closet. In the middle of us having sex. FML

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By Hungry - 3/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Cheat day

Today, I conveniently "forgot" to write down a bunch of stuff, including a huge kebab, in my Weight Watchers food journal. FML

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Top comments

By shananigans | 0

#770009 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:51

I'm probably the only freak who thought the most interesting part of this FML was the OP's use of the word necking.

Oh and your dad wins.

By 24788 | 6

#769962 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:10

I don't know if I approve of you seeing this Jake guy in subject.

COMMENTS

By whataloadofbull | 0

#769945 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:03

Ouch. Dunno how your dad knew that but that sucks...
my first first EVER btw XD

Reply

neonokku | 0

#770126 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 12:39

maybe she's not in college yet. o_O

Reply

iGreen_Day | 0

#770496 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 19:35

Whoof, can you say 'pwned'?

Reply

Reyo | 2

#770797 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 22:59

Maybe you shouldn't be giving your innocense all willy-nilly...

Reply

azreal_13 | 0

#1240857 - Saturday 14 August 2010 14:30

#47 yes you can :) 

Reply

osnapitzkay | 8

#4794735 - Friday 10 August 2012 0:20

Oh My God. I love your profile pic

By Shokz992 | 0

#769954 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:07

Well done you. Cookie?

By 24788 | 6

#769962 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:10

I don't know if I approve of you seeing this Jake guy in subject.

Reply

NewMetalGirl | 14

#5471529 - Tuesday 30 April 2013 3:06

Was it jake from State Farm?

Reply

justindrew14 | 29

#5716035 - Monday 14 October 2013 16:50

^ OMG OMG IM DYING RIGHT NOW I FUCKIMG LOVE YOUR COMMENT I WISH I COULD LIKE THIS MORE THEN JUST ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By BangOut | 2

#769982 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:23

Pics or didn't happen

By TomasT | 0

#769996 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:37

That's one cool dad!

Reply

HamsteronA | 0

#857986 - Monday 15 February 2010 13:55

that's one uncool avatar!

Reply

Sky1K | 2

#2948409 - Friday 22 July 2011 4:09

Haha owned

By CallMeHush | 0

#769998 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:37

Dear Old Dad FTW!

By Spac3Ghost | 0

#770001 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:41

your parents listen to you cum with jake for two years!? and they didnt bust in on you!? (assuming you have been made guilty by jake more than once) =) hahahaha your parents are awesome =) im very jealous!!!

Reply

npk88 | 0

#770368 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 16:52

these actually sound like some of the coolest parents ever. If they have been married long enough to have a teenager and still make out in their living room....yeah; that's hot.

Reply

Quacki | 0

#3111436 - Monday 15 August 2011 9:35

I think she means he was her boyfriend from two years ago.

By shananigans | 0

#770009 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:51

I'm probably the only freak who thought the most interesting part of this FML was the OP's use of the word necking.

Oh and your dad wins.

Reply

nmlutgen | 11

#4866081 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:07

I agree haha

By applebranch | 0

#770014 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:56

Agreed! Who says "necking" these days? No one, that's who. :P

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#770018 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 10:01

I say necking... D:

Reply

Starfire22 | 5

#770198 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 14:08

Redbluegreen! I missed you!!!

Reply

Starfire22 | 5

#770300 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 16:01

I missed you!!!

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#770327 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 16:20

although the word is awesome...its nothing compared to actions

Reply

Bojanglies | 0

#770430 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 18:17

I'm a chicken. I say 'wattling'

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#774867 - Friday 15 January 2010 0:30

I missed you too my dear.

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#774879 - Friday 15 January 2010 0:35

We've all missed you, Starfire.

Reply

Splayd | 10

#3370492 - Friday 30 September 2011 20:56

I would say "necking" if I thought of it.

By WTFsGoingOn | 0

#770015 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:57

That's the great things about dads, they always throw out the last thing you ever expected to hear from them.