Health: Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with... - FML

By brileyyyy - United States

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

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Season finale

On a leash

Slasher

By honor sucks - United States

Today, I lost a huge bet with my friends. I had to either post a sexual message on my mom's Facebook wall confessing my "love" for her, or be ratted out for cheating on a school test earlier in the year. Now I'm considered a freak by half my school, and am indefinitely grounded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend gave me the painting he had been working on. It was a heart with wings, my name, and the date we started dating. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. He misspelled my name. FML

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By not taking those! - 6/10/2020 23:07 - United States

Lobbied

Today, I called my insurance company begging for a new doctor. All my current one does is prescribe antidepressants for everything. Migraines? AD! Dizziness? AD! Birth control? AD! I’ve been having rough periods and I’m pretty sure she’s just trying to push pills to bill us more. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Halstead

Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. A waiter tripped over him and spilled our food all over him. FML

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By Alaska fire - United States - Eagle River

Today, I was the only sober person at a bonfire. After being hit in the eye with a snowball, taking people's keys away because they were too wasted to drive, making sure no one died and stabbing the bottom of my foot with a nail, I got to sleep in the snow. Without any blankets. FML

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By Icy - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

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By Shitty day - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, while explaining to a group of kids that monkeys are very intelligent creatures, one of them flung poo in my face. FML

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By "Nancy Marlin"

Today, I had to call the hotel we were staying at to recover some items I had left. Those items consist of a cellphone, razor blades, used batteries, and a vibrator. They have nothing to do with each other, but yes, they're at the front desk. FML

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By craZycatLady - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was watching my 2-year-old sister in the bathtub. As she was splashing, she stopped, and pointed at the "owie" on my head. I told her it was okay, and that it was just a pimple. She said, "Wow, you have a lot of pimples!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I fell down a hill out of my hammock, which broke my phone screen and my sunglasses. My idiot brother launched me out of it, so he could "assert his dominance." He's 11. FML

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By mishyb - United States - Englewood

Today, my horse farted and scared itself, then ran all the way up the hill and wouldn't stop until I fell off. FML

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By notyourmummy - United Kingdom - Ryde

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

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By RC3Welly - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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By Melissa Barrios

Today, my son, who has ASD, told a woman how gigantic her butt was. While trying to remind him that some things are not nice to say, he screamed that her butt is the "giantest butt ever," like it was an accomplishment. FML

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By strugglingartist - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I came home to find two letters from a publishing house that I'd submitted my manuscript to. The first was congratulatory, stating that my book had been accepted for publishing. The second was apologetic, stating that the first letter had been intended for someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lansing

Today, I took my girlfriend out for a romantic dinner, since we can't see each other this Valentine's Day. Halfway through, my aunt called, telling me my grandma had died. I had to leave because I was crying so much, leaving my girlfriend with a very pricey bill. FML

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By clueless - Canada

Today, I confronted my boyfriend, suspecting that he has been cheating on me during the past few months. He vehemently denied it. Then told me it would never happen again. What? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend's 16-year-old daughter got a job. I'm 29, with a Master's degree and I'm still unemployed. FML

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By professorsdaughter - United States - Spokane

Today, my boyfriend once again cancelled a date because he has too much homework. His professor is my dad, who's assigning astronomical amounts of homework to keep us from seeing each other. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was kayaking with my friend. We figured it'd be awesome if I jumped from my kayak straight into his. Sounded good in theory. One flipped kayak, a pair of lost glasses and a humiliating swim back to shore later, I'm starting to think it wasn't the best idea. FML

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By drummerboy - United States

Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML

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By FootInMyMouth - United States - Miami

Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I walked out of a job interview feeling confident because I'd really hit it off with the interviewer. He called me an hour later to tell me that I didn't get the job, since he was afraid we'd "get along too well and never get any work done." FML

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By Evra - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

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By honeymooner - South Africa - Braamfontein

Today, I received a coupon for a special offer including flights and accommodation for the honeymoon destination that my fiancé and I are keen on. Yesterday, I paid the full price for the flight tickets and hotel deposit for the honeymoon. FML

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By jabba - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my mom was driving me to work, we drove past a lake with an old wooden dock. She stopped the car, pointed and said, "Some guy fucked me right there. I got a splinter in my butt, though, so we finished in his car." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Queen Creek

Today, I discovered that my 12-year-old son has secretly been printing out and selling copies of the suggestive photos from my camera that I'd taken for my husband. He's been selling them to kids at school for a dollar each. FML

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By whatproject - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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By sally

Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

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By scarred - France

Today, I found out my mom is the nude model for an art class at my college. FML

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By diesel444 - United States

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

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By pzy

Today, I'm in the middle seat on a flight to Dallas. The guy on the aisle is sleeping with his mouth open and I can smell his breath. I feel nauseous. FML

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By yobruh

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

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Top comments

By 24788 | 6

#769957 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:08

Potatoes are full of win.

By mrsd9494 | 7

#770005 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:47

who throws potatoes?!?!???!

COMMENTS

By lizzie232 | 0

#769949 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#981568 - Monday 19 April 2010 0:59

potato cannons gone wrong?

Reply

Randen_fml | 0

#1473951 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 17:40

that's how you tell if the potatoe is a good one.

Reply

QuantumLegend | 0

#2156521 - Sunday 6 March 2011 20:34

lol how does a potato just spuddenly hit you in the head?

Reply

Zedric69 | 3

#2846673 - Friday 8 July 2011 9:08

#118 i will laugh with you about your cheesy potato joke =]

Reply

rockindyl22 | 0

#2865086 - Monday 11 July 2011 7:28

Doesn't sound real. I mean, who gets beaten up by a potato anymore?

Reply

spaerro | 8

#3198278 - Monday 29 August 2011 10:48

Was it GLaDOS?

Reply

VRod17 | 8

#3377918 - Sunday 2 October 2011 17:52

Lmao I laugh every time I read this Fml :)

By JoshTheMaggot | 8

#769953 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#964205 - Friday 19 March 2010 15:23

LOLZ that made me almost piss myself

Reply

I_lost_the_game | 25

#4321287 - Wednesday 18 April 2012 11:31

NOPE

By 24788 | 6

#769957 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:08

Potatoes are full of win.

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#2895417 - Friday 15 July 2011 6:56

potatoes are awesome

Reply

minisquid | 9

#3261116 - Friday 9 September 2011 7:27

Someone needs to invent a potato cannon target that makes fries when you hit it. Also, potatoes are badass.

By scheme | 0

#769960 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:09

lol. just lol

By JoshTheMaggot | 8

#769963 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:12

damn guys sorry I was second my mistake and we should get some more details. FYL for sur but the potatoe wins this round. I mean imagine the potatoes FML, "Today, I got it by a mans head i
am now a mashed potatoe. FML" lol

Reply

crzyry | 6

#769971 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:17

@Josh: Something tells me you're related to Dan Quail...haha

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#770795 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 22:58

You sir, are no Jack Kennedy.

And it's "Dan Quayle", not "Quail". If you're going to insult someone, do it right.

Reply

crzyry | 6

#773436 - Thursday 14 January 2010 7:39

Yes ma'am.lol

Reply

Yuppie | 7

#773866 - Thursday 14 January 2010 16:08

Well said, ScaryyMary! I agree!

By Fml_blonde | 0

#769972 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:17

Oh wow, I am not surprised this happening in Missouri. I'm from there lol.

By CallMeHush | 0

#769977 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:20

A tragic potato cannon accident perhaps?

Reply

lordmoe | 0

#770390 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 17:40

Thats what I was thinking, and if thats the case the OP is lucky it just knocked him/her out.

Reply

CallMeHush | 0

#770402 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 17:49

They are fun though.

Reply

LOL97_fml | 0

#848116 - Friday 12 February 2010 13:18

so true

By R3kli3 | 10

#769991 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:33

haha

By doobieboy | 0

#769995 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:37

sounds like bs

By CHEESYBIGMAC | 0

#770003 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 9:41

HAHAHA FYL indeed...this one made me laugh, sucks though...