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Get out of here

By Anon - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was telling my coworker that I was considering quitting the shady, 50-shades-of-scum business we work at. He snitched to our boss, who quickly fired me on bullshit charges of incompetence, theft, and workplace bullying. I guess I'm not getting a good reference from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 726

You deserved it 6 036

By gibsonSG323 - 14/06/2010 23:13 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 724

You deserved it 28 562

By Anon - 09/02/2016 12:39 - United States - Toledo

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 724

You deserved it 1 503

By Bitch its me - 17/01/2009 11:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I got up at five, got dressed, and walked halfway to work in the snow. I then realized that it's Sunday. I also forgot my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 723

You deserved it 6 147

By ohemgee - 11/03/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 720

You deserved it 4 908

By Darth Spasticus - 14/11/2015 09:12 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 719

You deserved it 1 773

By FML - 04/09/2015 16:27 - United States - Maricopa

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 714

You deserved it 1 732

By shitfaced - 18/09/2015 17:30 - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 712

You deserved it 9 544

Freaky

By lifeonfire12 - 16/04/2012 01:13 - Canada

Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 711

You deserved it 42 216

Oh, the humanity

By recmonty - 17/05/2012 03:53 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 710

You deserved it 2 115

By Anonymous - 11/08/2014 17:24 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was walking to a job interview. I needed to get rid of some gum but there were no trash cans in sight, so I spat it out on the ground. Next thing I know, some guy grabs me, sticks the gum in my hair, and walks off, muttering curses. I couldn't get it out in time for the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 706

You deserved it 51 503

By Anonymous - 04/10/2009 21:40 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's head was on my lap. I bent down to kiss him. My stomach rolls got there first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 702

You deserved it 48 861

By PositiveElectron - 27/08/2015 19:52 - United States - Glen Allen

Today, my mom decided to show me her new rape whistle. She kept blowing it every couple of minutes while we were stuck in traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 700

You deserved it 1 524

By CaptMacLeod - 26/01/2016 09:18 - United States - Lancaster

Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 700

You deserved it 2 155

BFF

By BFFN - 14/04/2016 15:36 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my best friend told me she no longer wants an "active friendship" with me. She says she doesn't have time to see me, since she has a boyfriend and a bunch of friends she's spent years bitching to me about. We've gone from a 14-year friendship to awkwardly nodding at each other in the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 699

You deserved it 1 364

By xnickx - 16/04/2009 14:47 - United States

Today, I changed the locks on my apartment so my crazy ex girlfriend couldn't get in. I went to her house to return her house key. I accidentally gave her the key to my new locks, and can't find her old house key. Now I need her to come let me in to my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 697

You deserved it 58 946

By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 05:29 - Australia - Perth

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 693

You deserved it 2 726

By make america date again - 10/02/2016 17:49 - United States - Blacklick

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 692

You deserved it 1 408

Chill

By daisyann - 15/07/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time. When the officer came up to my window, I immediately burst out into tears due to nervousness. He kept asking me for my licence and registration. Hysterical, I wasn't able to comply. He arrested me for not cooperating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 691

You deserved it 55 618

By crixon42 - 18/11/2013 23:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I turned 30. While all my friends are getting married, furthering careers and having children, I'm still sat around being as immature as I was as a teenager. I'm going through a classic case of premature age-jaculation. I laughed for 10 minutes after coming up with that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 685

You deserved it 39 669

crixon42 tells us more.

crixon42 4

Wednesday 20 November 2013 13:20

OP here, love all you guys who appreciate the pun, and don't you all worry I do not live at home, I have a job and am not a serial sponger.

By Cottagecheeseha - 20/08/2012 04:03 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, I pulled out a book and my bookmark fell out. My crush picked it up and a weird look came across his face. I then realized I had used toilet paper. Now I'm the girl who reads while taking dumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 678

You deserved it 6 799

Dude, you OK?

By Anonymous - 30/04/2012 00:23 - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 677

You deserved it 6 050

By Till We Pass Out - 03/10/2015 15:30 - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 674

You deserved it 5 310

By Anonymous - 14/03/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 674

You deserved it 8 347

By arrow - 23/02/2016 20:39 - United States - Pomona

Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 673

You deserved it 2 014

By brokeasscollegelife - 20/11/2015 21:25 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 671

You deserved it 3 471

By fack - 29/07/2015 14:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 671

You deserved it 10 806

By Mike - 01/03/2009 02:42 - United States

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 670

You deserved it 133 974

By Sharkie49 - 26/03/2012 22:33 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I paid top dollar for an Italian soda that ended up consisting almost entirely of ice. When I complained, the girl insisted that the soda water stopped the ice from melting. She said she didn't see what the problem was, and threatened to have me thrown out if I didn't "simmer down." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 669

You deserved it 5 335

By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 00:25 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 668

You deserved it 3 193

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The Top

Today, while naked, my fiancée said there was something wrong with her butt. She turned around and I leaned in to look at it. She then farted in my face. On purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 601

You deserved it 1 637

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 760

You deserved it 2 079

Today, I woke up thinking after wearing glasses and contacts all my life that I had miraculously been corrected to 20/20. Turns out I had just fallen asleep with my contacts in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 868

You deserved it 32 868

Today, I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I fainted, and fell back against the wall. When I came around, I immediately vomited all down my body, in my hair, and all over the floor. My cat judged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 026

You deserved it 143

Today, my son accidentally damaged another kid in the face with a baseball bat, while blindfolded trying to hit a piñata. Except there was no piñata, or blindfold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 1 308

Today, for the third time this month, my family ridiculed me for being picky for ordering a burger without lettuce. They know I'm allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 793

You deserved it 197